For the past couple of weeks I have been very very down. I feel so alone, so broken. I just don't know what to do, how to get through this! It is going on 3 months now. I know it is still a short time, but all I see in my future is feeling like this forever. I have tried to do things to get on with 'life', but nothing is working. I spend time with the grand kids, and I am sad because they loved their granddad so much and now he is gone. My heart just breaks every time I see them. They talk about how much they miss him and I instantly cry. It seems like the kids have either gone on with their lives, or just don't seem to want to deal with me anymore. At first, I heard from them every day, now, it's only once in a while. I feel like they have all abandoned me. My parents and my brother and sister in law are the ones that are keeping me going. I try to be strong - every one tells me that I am - but they do not see the real me... the one who sits here every day and cries... the one who kisses his picture every night and tells him I love him as the tears roll down... the one who is shattered and doesn't know how to go on. When I moved, they made sure to pack all of the Christmas stuff. I told them to leave it because I didn't want it anymore, they wouldn't. My sister said that if I didn't at least put up a tree this year that I never would again. Who cares - Christmas is about family and sharing... the one I want to share things with is gone.
I am just so shattered... I feel like there is nothing left for me. I have always told our son that there is a reason for everything, but I just don't know what the reason for this is. We are not supposed to ask 'why', but I wish I knew. Why was he taken from me, why am I alone, why... why... why... People say they wish they could do something. The only thing I want is to have him back. As painful as it was to see him in the hospital that night, or the casket at the funeral, I would live that day again just to be able to touch him... to hold his hand.
I need the sun to shine again... I need to smile again.... I need to be happy again... Will this ever happen? How do I do this alone. Why do I have to do this alone?
I hope you all understand why I wrote this. I just needed to get it out and I know that if anyone would know why, it would be the group here.
Thanks for reading,