Feeling very down and alone

For the past couple of weeks I have been very very down. I feel so alone, so broken. I just don't know what to do, how to get through this! It is going on 3 months now. I know it is still a short time, but all I see in my future is feeling like this forever. I have tried to do things to get on with 'life', but nothing is working. I spend time with the grand kids, and I am sad because they loved their granddad so much and now he is gone. My heart just breaks every time I see them. They talk about how much they miss him and I instantly cry. It seems like the kids have either gone on with their lives, or just don't seem to want to deal with me anymore. At first, I heard from them every day, now, it's only once in a while. I feel like they have all abandoned me. My parents and my brother and sister in law are the ones that are keeping me going. I try to be strong - every one tells me that I am - but they do not see the real me... the one who sits here every day and cries... the one who kisses his picture every night and tells him I love him as the tears roll down... the one who is shattered and doesn't know how to go on. When I moved, they made sure to pack all of the Christmas stuff. I told them to leave it because I didn't want it anymore, they wouldn't. My sister said that if I didn't at least put up a tree this year that I never would again. Who cares - Christmas is about family and sharing... the one I want to share things with is gone.

I am just so shattered... I feel like there is nothing left for me. I have always told our son that there is a reason for everything, but I just don't know what the reason for this is. We are not supposed to ask 'why', but I wish I knew. Why was he taken from me, why am I alone, why... why... why... People say they wish they could do something. The only thing I want is to have him back. As painful as it was to see him in the hospital that night, or the casket at the funeral, I would live that day again just to be able to touch him... to hold his hand.

I need the sun to shine again... I need to smile again.... I need to be happy again... Will this ever happen? How do I do this alone. Why do I have to do this alone?

I hope you all understand why I wrote this. I just needed to get it out and I know that if anyone would know why, it would be the group here.
Thanks for reading,
Tina

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Permalink Reply by Dena on September 24, 2010 at 3:25pm

Hi Tina my name is Dena. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I understand completely how you feel it does not matter how long you have been greiving, there is no time. I was 20 when I lost my soul mate. I knew him for 7 yrs before he past. He wasn't my first so I think that's why I'm still here and I haven't lost my mind completely because he wasn't. I lost him 1999, 10 yrs ago and it still hurts as if it happened just yesterday. People have told me that it will get easier as time goes on but honestly it didn't for me. I still ask myself why was he taken he was only 25. I've tried to get past it, I've tried to explain how I feel to people but when they haven't experienced it they are blind and don't understand why I can't just forget. I've tried to explain that it's diffrenent from losing a friend or a family member because in a relationship you are alot closer: physically and emotionally. I discovered emotions that I can't and couldn't explain to people. I wasn't even sure what to call them [emotions] Since I lost him I have found it really hard to be as open with people, and to give my all. I feel like well what's the point of being that person i use to be when one day everyone will be gone. I've created such a wall around my emotions. How am I suppose to feel loved when I forgot what love feels like? There's alittle about myself thank you for being there, I have found it easier when I have spoken to people who understand. Please don't hestiate to write if you need to talk.

Permalink Reply by Dena on September 24, 2010 at 3:25pm

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on September 24, 2010 at 4:14pm

TINA, I AM GLAD YOU ARE BACK TO THE WEBSITE. I TRULY AM SORRY THAT YOU ARE FEELING SO DOWN.I DO TRULY UNDERSTAND IT AS I FEEL THAT WAY TOO. I AM BLESSED TO HAVE A FULLTIME JOB BECAUSE WITHOUT THAT I DONT KNOW IF I COULD EVEN DRAG MYSELF OUT OF BED. I TOO, UNDERSTAND THAT YOU SAID YOU HAVE LOST ALL THE JOY YOU USED TO HAVE FOR ALL THOSE WONDERFUL HOBBIES YOU HAD. I USED TO ENJOY EXERCISING EVERY DAY, AND NOW I ONLY GO ABOUT ONCE EVERY TWO WEEKS IF THAT MUCH.I REALLY DONT ENJOY LIFE ANYMORE, BUT I WAS TOLD THAT WE ALL HAVE CHOICES, AND THAT I CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY OR SAD. WELL RIGHT NOW IT IS JUST HARD FOR ME TO BE ANY OTHER WAY THAN WHAT I AM AND I AM SORRY IF THAT SEEMS TO BOTHER OTHERS.I AM TRYING TO DO THE BEST THAT I KNOW HOW TO DO.GOD BLESS YOU TINA, AND I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS.