Finding Hope...

Hi Everyone!

I lost my 23 year old brother Ameen in a swimming accident on Dec 25th 2013 (He was born on Halloween and he left us on Christmas). I'm his eldest sister, we also have a 28 yr old sister and a 18 yr old brother. Even though there are huge age gaps between us, we are very close. We didn't have much secrets from each other. I feel terrible when I think of our youngest brother. The two brothers spend a lot of time together especially since they lived in the same city.

I don't think I can ever get over this pain but I'm trying to manage the pain I feel. It's nice when all of us are together and we spend hours talking about Ameen. It feels like we are having our own group therapy session. But now I'm living with my husband far away from my family. After December what annoyed me most was how we all were expected to go back to our normal lives. How do you go back to normal when your world seems to be upside down?

The reason I joined this group is not to just share my grief. I'm going through a peculiar situation and I can't seem to find any online support for this particular situation. Since the accident all I wanted was hope. I needed hope as if I needed oxygen to breathe. I was looking for a reason to go on living. I have a family and a husband who loves me. That should have been enough but it wasn't. I just wanted HIM back. Long story short, I convinced my loving husband who would do anything to make me happy to have a baby with me. We've been married for five years and we're still in love with each other. So even though I'm emotionally unstable, I wanted this. I wanted to bring hope into my parents and siblings lives. Maybe it's true what they say about angels, maybe Ameen is giving us what we need in our lives. I'm 11 weeks pregnant.

I know I can never replace my brother. I don't even want to. But since I found out about my pregnancy the energy in my family has changed. My mom and dad has something to look forward to. My problem is this - I'm worried. I know how it feels to feel so much pain that every cell in your body hurts. How can I be happy? Do I dare feel happiness? Everyone around me feels excitement but i'm scared. My mom thinks the Universe won't cause us one pain after another. I'm not sure if i trust that. Things could always get worse right? Should I really dream of a healthy and safe baby? What if it's some kind of sick cruel joke?

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Permalink Reply by Karen Liller on July 17, 2014 at 4:09pm

Hi Saj:

Welcome to the group. I am so sorry about your brother. I lost my younger sister Lisa on November 7, 2013 after 7 years with neuroendocrine cancer. She was my best friend and I miss her everyday with every fiber of my body. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I think you should allow yourself to be very happy. New life is always exciting and I just feel it is going to go very well. When my sister Lisa passed, my daughter said when she has her first child she is going to name her Lisa if it is a girl. I feel that Lisa is my daughter's guardian angel and will be with her always. They were very close. So please be happy and I am sure you will surround your baby with love and wonderful memories of Ameen.

Best,

Karen Liller

Permalink Reply by Saj on July 22, 2014 at 10:26am

Hi Karen,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm so sorry about Lisa. Some days it's really painful to face that I live in a world where I don't get to see him anymore. But you are right, memories are all that I have. I had a difficult Sunday, it was one of those days that I felt paralyzed by the pain. I know he is at peace. He was one of those restless souls. He didn't like our world so much. He was always dreaming of a better world where we humans were at peace and harmony. And I think he found it. But, on the difficult days, all I want is to hug him again. I'll wait and see what this life has in store for me. Hopefully the belief that is he with me will keep me going.

Take care,

Saj

Karen Liller said:

Hi Saj:

Welcome to the group. I am so sorry about your brother. I lost my younger sister Lisa on November 7, 2013 after 7 years with . She was my best friend and I miss her everyday with every fiber of my body. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I think you should allow yourself to be very happy. New life is always exciting and I just feel it is going to go very well. When my sister Lisa passed, my daughter said when she has her first child she is going to name her Lisa if it is a girl. I feel that Lisa is my daughter's guardian angel and will be with her always. They were very close. So please be happy and I am sure you will surround your baby with love and wonderful memories of Ameen.

Best,

Karen Liller

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