I think I understand what you are saying. There have been times when I have thought what if...what if I never let Tom in, what if I never let him get close to me...what if we never got together? I would not be feeling this pain and ache that just never ends. Maybe that would have been easier.
BUT...then I think of all the things I would have missed out on had Tom not been a part of my life. I wouldn't be the person I am, my children wouldn't be who they are, who knows where I would have ended up. As much as I hate this pain (and wish I could have changed things so that I never had to deal with this) I am grateful for my time with Tom. It's because of him that I had a fairytale life. So many of my friends would comment that they wished they had the relationship we did. My kids had great relationship role models. They were pretty proud to be able to say their parents were still together and going strong when so many of their friend's parents were not. I have always said maybe you are only allowed so much happiness in one lifetime and we used all of ours up too soon. I know none of this makes any sense and this new life SUCKS (I have always hated that word and never used it before this...now it's the perfect word to decribe this loss).
As much as I hate this new life I'm living, I wouldn't give up one minute of our time together. I am doing all I can to move forward (not move on) and do the things Tom would expect me to do to keep progressing in life. If I could (and no one would notice) I would curl up and never face the world again, but that is not acceptable to anyone else. So, I paste on that smile the world expects to see. I give them the answer they want to hear when they ask how I am doing and I just keep getting up every morning. I am taking classes online to get a degree so that I can get a job and be able to take care of myself when my son goes off to college. I do eveything I do these days to honor Tom. I want nothing more than to make him proud. That is my one goal in life right now...to honor Tom in everything I do.
I can't imagine ever feeling the happiness I once knew and that's okay. I have learned to fake it well enough. I hurt inside all the time, but I am progressing. I do what I have to do to make it through. I've decided, too, that my children (ages 26, 24, 15) need to see that mom is okay. They do not need to worry about me on top of dealing with their own grief. They know I'm sad and they see me cry, but they see me doing what needs to be done. I am hoping that they can move forward to find the happiness that their Dad and I shared...they deserve that kind of love.
I hope you are able to find peace and comfort, no matter how small to help you through the day. You will always have Dan by your side...he will always be a part of you.
Sending ((Hugs)) your way.