For me tis' better than to have never loved.

Take this for what you all will but with regards to the saying "tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" it is in my opinion a crock, and I'm only speaking for myself. If I could I would erase, delete, brainwash all of the good memories (which was the last 39 years) and breathe until my last breath without the sharp, stabbing, painful, searing memories so that I will not feel, I will not have the aching, unbearable pain of a broken heart that's in a million pieces. I would rather think nothing than have thoughts of sheer torture and see my husband's picture without emotion, thinking, 'gee I wonder who that was' then missing him and wishing he were alive. I don't understand why others don't get what I'm saying. I'll just have to live with my own thoughts knowing that everyone is just in their own world because no one really knows me. I always thought I wouldn't be a good actor at all but I proved myself wrong. No one I know knows what I'm really feeling and thinking. No one can say to me 'time heals' and 'you will feel joy again'. To me this is just what others like to believe FOR THEMSELVES but I know in my heart of hearts the truth which is when my husband was alive, I was happy, and joy-filled and pleasant to be around, and humorous, (once in a while), I had good times, and liked to laugh and talk with him and cook meals so we could both eat at the table together, or watch TV and have ice cream together. Now, I only have temporary moments of joy, but then I remember he is not with me any longer and after almost 8 months I still go to bed alone and I wake up alone. I still feel grateful for all God's Gifts to me but I don't feel as grateful as when Dan was alive, I'm sorry to say. Because he is not with me I have none of these things now, but only act like I do for the sake of the fact I love my family and don't wish to make them as deeply depressed as I am. And yes, I go to a therapist, take medication, take care of myself, go to all of my appointments, go to grief meetings, do my errands, go to get the bare minimum of groceries for myself to eat but I don't even enjoy eating any more because he is not sitting across the table from me. (In fact there are times when I laugh I start to cry at the same time, and wondered if anyone else does that ) Without Dan's companionship, I just wait for God to tell me what He wants me to do. But as far as joy, and living life fully and happiness, I don't understand why even some other widows don't understand me. I don't get that. But, I just needed to say what's been on my mind and at least I have this group to share my darkest moments. Thanks for reading my post. I am feeling different feelings every day and after reading this I think I seem angry so please don't take offense at anything I said as I know most everyone here knows how I feel and I know you feel it too. I just needed to vent and get it out of my system before I explode. Most likely in a few days or in a few years my feelings may change but I know my thoughts won't. Take care and ((Hugs)) to you all.
God bless,
Suzanne

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Permalink Reply by Linda O'Connor on September 20, 2010 at 7:29pm

WOW, so many statements. Some I don't agree with, most I do. I would never want to erase any of my memories w/my Kevin - good or bad. Sure in 22 yrs we had a few bad, but we made up & learned from those times. I cherish all my memories & live for them - in my pictures of fabulous vacations & in my thoughts. I am going on 2 yrs end of next mo (& you all know that will be tramatiic for me), but that time does not diminish the pain & hurt I feel. I miss him every day, but I know I told him at the end I'd be OK & it was the hardest day of my life; cause I knew I wouldn't be OK. I'm trying each day to be more positive. Let's face it, God only gives us one day at a time, so why not make the best of it.

Permalink Reply by Deborah Benoit on September 20, 2010 at 7:35pm

Just when I believed it couldn't possibly get worst....I received a picture disk today from my attorney.He viewed them last year and we discussed them in detail over the phone > I finally got to the point where I felt I needed to see them,so asked him to send me copies.He swore many times that the pictures were only of the motorcycle and the car .I have not been able to stop re living that scene over and over in my head ,and felt maybe seeing the pictures may help me fill in the "blank " spaces in my memory.My last memory of my husband was seeing him laying next to me in the road .I did not see him again after that...by choice. When will I ever learn NEVER to trust other people......as I was clicking threw the pictures I expected to see I saw a picture of my husband ..... deceased in the Emergency room.NOW WHAT LORD ??? WHY ??? WHY did that have to happen ??? Now how to I get THIS picture out of my HEAD ?. I was so upset and shaken I just turned my comp. off .So now I have this disk ,I don't even know or want to know what the other pictures are. And I can't stop thinking about what I saw.

Permalink Reply by Deborah Benoit on September 20, 2010 at 7:36pm

Yes it is getting confusing .... I'm not sure who's who any more plus this is my 1st day on this site and I haven't figured out how to navigate it yet.

Virginia said:

i know all this double and triple post are confusing me lol, and debbie what did i miss ??? you said to me you got it the first time ?? i think i've been on the computer to much today god bless

Permalink Reply by Virginia on September 20, 2010 at 7:44pm

Deborah i'm so sorry you had to see that what on earth was the lawyer thinking he should have edited them before sending it to you i'm sorry i'd call him up and letr him know just how upset they made you

Deborah Benoit said:

Just when I believed it couldn't possibly get worst....I received a picture disk today from my attorney.He viewed them last year and we discussed them in detail over the phone > I finally got to the point where I felt I needed to see them,so asked him to send me copies.He swore many times that the pictures were only of the motorcycle and the car .I have not been able to stop re living that scene over and over in my head ,and felt maybe seeing the pictures may help me fill in the "blank " spaces in my memory.My last memory of my husband was seeing him laying next to me in the road .I did not see him again after that...by choice. When will I ever learn NEVER to trust other people......as I was clicking threw the pictures I expected to see I saw a picture of my husband ..... deceased in the Emergency room.NOW WHAT LORD ??? WHY ??? WHY did that have to happen ??? Now how to I get THIS picture out of my HEAD ?. I was so upset and shaken I just turned my comp. off .So now I have this disk ,I don't even know or want to know what the other pictures are. And I can't stop thinking about what I saw.

Permalink Reply by Nancy Satterthwaite on September 20, 2010 at 9:50pm

I deleted my postings to clean up the page, since it is confusing with the way this site publishes again with every response.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on September 20, 2010 at 9:54pm

I was thinking maybe I should delete my post for the same reason. It seems some members add a reply and there is a computer glitch and it gets copied. It would be good if they came out in order. Sorry for the confusion. This is why sometimes I give a personal message on the person's page. Thanks for letting me know, Nancy.

Nancy Satterthwaite said:

I deleted my postings to clean up the page, since it is confusing with the way this site publishes again with every response.

Permalink Reply by Basia on September 21, 2010 at 8:40am

I get what what both of you are saying. On one hand I feel defeated, just want to die. The memories are killing me. They are nothing but pain and I can't take much more of that.
I wish I could just get up in the morning and say that I don't want to be miserable anymore. I don't want to hurt and I want to go on with my life. But how? How do you make it stop? How am I ever going to feel anything good?

kathleen caylor said:

Offend Me?? No,I'm not offended at all.Just offering a different opinion!I know you loved your husband and trust me,I know your pain.But I'm choosing not to be miserable the rest of my life.Just like you needed to say these things,so did I.And we do have our down time,some more than others.I just wonder What would Dan think?Would he kick you in the butt and say"come on Suzanne!"I know my husband would!I hope you're not offended,either.Great big hugs for you,I hope you find some peace!

Permalink Reply by Basia on September 21, 2010 at 8:46am

I do Suzanne

Suzanne said:

Dear Nancy,
This is not my choice, but thanks for your reply. I guess no one understands my pain like I thought they did.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on September 21, 2010 at 8:59am

Basia, I am sorry you are going thru this. It is a bad ride for us, the ups and downs. The reality is the killer and the pain doent help either. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on September 21, 2010 at 9:03am

Hi Basia,
Thank you for saying that. I know you (and all of us) are going through so much. But I feel comfort here from everyone whether they agree with me or not, we all are in pain and sorrow, but some deal with it better than others. I just feel so alone sometimes but I know I'm not. Sending you hugs.
God bless,
Suzanne

Basia said:

I do Suzanne

Suzanne said:
Dear Nancy,
This is not my choice, but thanks for your reply. I guess no one understands my pain like I thought they did.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Glenda F. Camp on September 21, 2010 at 2:14pm

Virginia said:

Suzanne Hi, Please don't take this the wrong way but,I am one who doesn't get what your saying and I know you are only speaking for yourself, I know it has only been 8 months since you lost Danny. Now with that being said, I am only speaking for myself, I can't concieve what my life would have been --- without my Mike in it, to me it is inconsivable, all the things we were able to share and the unconditional love we had for each other, and no we did not have a perfect life it was a life with some hardships and trials and tribulations and even a seperation, but I would not have changed one thing about the 32 yrs. we spent together because during these times we grew together, learned together, cried together and lost loved ones together, and yes we were one of those couples who could finish each others sentences, be thinking the same thing at the same time, I can remember the first time we relized we were doing that, it just blew Mike away he laughed so hard, he was surprised and said I think we are truely one, then he would mess with me by just out of the blue ask me to tell him what he was thinking because he thought it was so neat. I can remember everything about our life, good - bad - funny - sad. I am so thankfull to have met this crazy, gooffy man who gave so much meaning to living your life the best you can. So to wish I had never known him is just something I can't wrap my head around, I can't phantom what my life would have been without him in it, so I am and always will be greatfull to have loved and lost him as to never loving him at all. I meen no harm because as you can see I rarely reply to most of the topics in where I go into to much personal depth, but this I had to, because, to not would be doing such a dishonor to my husband and to our life together. Suzane I pray that someday you can get to a point in life where you will chershish your memories of your life with Danny. God Bless and hugs to you.

Permalink Reply by J S on September 21, 2010 at 8:15pm

Thank You glad I read this you have helped me thru a difficult day.
Joe S

Deborah Kelly said:

Suzanne
I'm sorry that you are in so much pain right now. I lost my husband about 6 weeks ago I understand how you are feeling. What I'm starting to see is that people who have lost their spouses and still have children at home hand grief differently. Most of their lives have to go on because they have to take care of the kids so their grief is different. I was with my husband 28 years all of the kid are grown and gone, and it hard to fit into their busy schedules. I have been struggling with some of the same things. Having to adjust to being 1 instead of 2 is not easy, and when there is only 1 left it is really hard. We use to do everything together! We always said that we could get through anything as long as we had each other. I ask my self NOW WHAT? My husband bought me a ring with 3 stones and I use to always say it represents yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Today when i look at the ring I just see yesterday I realize there is no today or tomorrow without him. Besides this I think the hardest thing for me is the being alone. It is the simpliest things - grocery shopping, cooking, eating dinner, going to bed etc. I do understand how you feel you are not alone. I have 3 things that have helped to keep me going:
1) I have a very supportive sister - she has been by my side as much as she possilbly can. If I need someone to stay with my she comes, if I need to talk she is there. (There is no replacment for my husband) but I really don't know what I would do without her. 2) About 2 1/2 yrs ago my mom passed, and my husband was my main support through the whole them. I learned from him how to be strong, and that life has to go on (when I'm having a bad day and it has gone on for a long time I hear him say that's enough pick yourself up and carry on you still have a life to live 3) I believe that my husband may be gone and but that I have a special angle watching over me everyday. Physically it does not help the lonely that I feel everyday but for me there is a claim sense of peace just knowing he is not that far away. I beleive that heaven is not as far away as we all think that it is. I hope this helps! Take Care