It's 10 1/2 months since Paul was taken from me, and our son because of 2 people's negligence.  One person caused the original accident which made the other person swerve and hit him.  Almost everyday I relive those few hours before the police arrived to tell me he had passed, even though I had already seen it on the news and had made numerous calls to the police to see if they could give me any information.  Why can't they notify family immediately and not hours later?  I know I'm exceedingly bitter about it,  but why can't the people who caused his death be punished more than settling through their insurance company?  They turned my life completely upside down and basically get to walk away from it.   

Hundreds of questions are constantly running through my mind.  And too many decisions to make that I shouldn't have to even be thinking of.  

I know with time it's supposed to get easier, but lately I've been having a harder time coping and the next couple months aren't going to be any better.  With Thanksgiving, Paul's 40th birthday coming up on 12/18, Christmas, our son's 1st birthday at the end of the month, new years, and then 1/13 being a full year without him, I just don't know how I'm going to do it.  

A few friends and I are planning a snowboarding/ski weekend for Paul's birthday, it just seems so appropriate... He loved snowboarding so much and with the El Nino that California is getting this winter, he would have been wanting to go every weekend!  We're all going to be a complete mess that weekend, but at least we'll be a mess together.

Wanted to also say thanks to everyone in this group.  When I start feeling really low, I start to see notices in my emails that someone has commented on the board.  Reminds me that even though this is the worst thing that will ever happen in my life, there are people out there that can relate and have words of wisdom to help me get through.

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Gretchen, My heart goes out to you for your tragic and senseless loss of your beloved husband Paul. I'm fairly new to this site, but I can tell you that you will find great solace and understanding here from some of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever known in my life. I can't imagine the feelings you must have considering the sudden and seemingly random way in which your world was shattered. With the many milestones ahead, you are well justified in questioning your ability to cope. But let me tell you this - I came here just a few days before what would have been my Larry's birthday, almost seven months after losing him to cancer. I was afraid I would not survive the day - that my heart would explode with grief. I was welcomed here so warmly and was told something that truly helped me, so I now will say to you that sometimes the anticipation of a birthday, holiday, anniversary, etc. can be worse than the day itself. And please believe me when I say you WILL get through these awful times - not easily, and certainly with many tears. But try to be kind to yourself, and patient, and don't beat yourself up for feeling rage, bitterness, and anger. You have every right to own those feelings without apology to anyone - the love of your life was abruptly taken from you and your son. And so, Gretchen, give yourself permission to feel exactly what is in your heart, for I have found that this is the beginning of healing. Many blessings on you and your sweet son.
In friendship, Chuck

Gretchen, I can feel you pain and your emotions within you comment and all I can offer is a few kind words and some cyber hugs.  The whys in life may never be answered, so try not to let the unanswered questions devour you or it will take you down, they will make you into someone you don't want to become.  

Speaking through my own experiences, there is not a day that passes that I don't think of my husband, how his passing changed my plans, our plans, my life, our life together.  It is 4 years now and I am still learning how to become me when it was us for almost 25 years.    

Every day is a challenage, and upon rising I decided to list the good things life has given me and not dwell on the bad.  Somedays it helps and somedays I find it a joke and I have to ask who am I fooling but myself.   Grieving truly is a roller coaster ride full of emotions with its good days and bad and as it altered our lives it also alters our being, our personalities, our everyday decisions it alters our world and everything in it but don't let grief consume you or it wins.   

It does seem you have a good circle of people around you so channel off of them.  Make Paul's birthday special for you.  Remember, our loved ones will always be with us as we carry them in our hearts.  Sometimes when I am very low I hold my hands to my heart, close my eyes and tell him I love him and it makes me feel better just knowing he has that special place in my heart.  Go have fun, cry when you need too and hold Paul within that special place in your heart.  HUGS, Jane P.

Dear Gretchen ...  My deepest condolences.  My heart goes out to you regarding the sudden death of your husband Paul.  I can't even imagine that you were not contacted by police quicker than you were.  I suggest you get an Attorney and depending on how the accident happened there is 'vehicular homicide' and a prison sentence can be give towards the person who caused the accident, but only if they were negligent, drinking and driving or speeding.  I do feel the deaths without warning such as what happened to you is the hardest, but, even though you don't feel it in your mind or heart quite yet you are stronger than you think.  My husband died April, 2011 of pancreatic cancer at the age 65 and we were married almost 40 years and unfortunately no children; this forum full of angels saved me from losing it more times than I would like to count.  No one judges another and we all listen to those that are having an especially rough time of it such as yourself so I hope you continue to post as we're here to give you all the help we can and cyber hugs.

You are not only grieving, but in shock from the sudden accident taking Paul from you and I know you must be thinking 'if only' or 'I should have said ...'  We all do that and can feel guilty because it.  It's OK to get bitter and good to cry because it's releases tension.  May I suggest that you seek either grief counseling or a good psychologist (you choose the one you like and only ones that have experienced the passing of a spouse.)  Unless someone has experienced that first hand they don't have a clue what we are going through.

To this day I still talk to my husband and still miss him, but I'm try my best to reinvent myself and it's not easy at my age as I'm retired.  On special occasions I am there, but as Jane P called it, we have 'two masks' one for our family and friends and then the one where we come home and have a good cry.

I am so pleased to hear you are going away and have family and good friends because they will also help you through the hard days ahead of you.  Please trust us when I say that as the days go by we get stronger without realizing it and the strength just keeps piling up throughout the months to years.  So for now hon just let the tears come and if need be talk to family or friends about your feelings and of course we are here for you too.

Cyber hugs (because you need it.)

Marsha H.


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