Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by paula on May 5, 2013 at 11:31am

So sorry Angela as my husband died suddenly on Christmas night I am a widow in my forties.  It has been almost five months since Tom left me and it is a road that at times made it difficult for me to speak or breathe.  He was my love and in the early days I just wanted to go and be with him.  How long it takes is different for everyone but I don't think we ever recover fully. As the fog is slowly lifting I trust that I will survive one day at a time.

Paula

Permalink Reply by Carol Kayser on May 5, 2013 at 11:59am

Dear Angela and Paula. So very sorry for your losses. A sudden death is incredibly hard. Even when one is expecting it and knows, it is still a shock. There is nothing right or wrong about the way one grieves. You can only take it one small step at a time. It is overwhelming otherwise, the raw grief will overtake you and you must remember to breathe.
You will get through it slowly but please don't try to do it alone. Talk to people, come here. Remember your love is still there and your loved one surrounds you...

Hugs,
Carol

Permalink Reply by Chicago Beard on May 6, 2013 at 8:48am

Angela

My heart goes out to you. Even though I knew my wife's death was imminent when it happened it still felt like it was sudden. For a while (it will seem like forever) nothing will feel right. Food won't taste right or anything. After a while the pain(which never totally goes away) will be less intense and you will find yourself actually enjoying some things again. This new journey that life has forced you into can only be taken day by day, one foot in front of the other. I am approaching three years with out my wonderful Rose. I still cry almost daily and feel a pain in my heart when I am reminded of things we did together. Life still goes on whether we want it to or not. Memories will be both a comfort and a reminder of what you have lost. It does eventually get better, though incrementally. 

Permalink Reply by Angela Giallombardo on May 6, 2013 at 9:47am

Thank you everybody. I am in so much pain right now, I don't know how I am going to bear it. I still cant believe that this happened. Never in a million years would I have thought something like this could happen. Today, I have to go visit my mother in the rehab center. We are not telling her anything, so I will have to try to put on a happy face. I don't know how I am going to do that. I feel like jumping out of my skin. My daughter wants us to go out to dinner after visiting Mom but I don't know if I'm up to it. I do feel better when I am around people. Days for me are worse than nights because at night, my daughter and son in law are up here with me. They have their own business and work all night and sleep most of the day. They live in the apartment downstairs. It's a good thing that they do, however, I don't want to be a burden on them. They have their own lives to live.  I am trying to do normal everyday things but I am finding it very difficult. All I know is that one week ago at this very hour, he was here with me and now he's gone. Thank you all for listening.

Permalink Reply by Charley Solyom on May 6, 2013 at 10:40am

Hello Angela...I lost my wife 4 weeks ago, and it is still so painful. I have learned to get so close to God through prayer, reading the Bible, and just giving praise and thanks. Sounds weird, but God's plan isn't ours...we just have to trust Him. It sucks, I know! I am struggling with trying to keep in touch with stepkids. My wife and I were separated for a time, even though we got back together. During that separation, she and I were seeing other people. The guy she was seeing didn't want to give up when we got back together, and he is still making my life miserable, hanging around, showing up at the family get-together prior to the funeral. Be thankful you and your husband were always together. They say it will get better, and I believe it, even though I don't feel it. Hang in there! Charley

Permalink Reply by Angela Giallombardo on May 6, 2013 at 10:59am

Thank you Charley. Right now, I can't get close to God. I feel dead inside. We were together for 36 years and I just can't believe that he's gone. It was too soon and too fast.

Permalink Reply by Angela Giallombardo on May 7, 2013 at 7:58am

Thank you, Jane. I pray for the day that I find my new normal. Like you, the only reason that I get out of bed is because of my dog. I still have to take care of him. I am going to a group counseling next Monday. My daughter is coming with me. I hope it will help a bit. The phone just rang and it was the rehab where my mother is. Mom made somebody call to see if we were OK because we haven't been there to see her for 2 days. I had to tell the girl on the phone about what happened and now a flood of tears is coming down my face. We are not telling Mom what happened, she's 98 years old and I don't think that she should know. She loved my husband, like he was her son.

Permalink Reply by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on May 7, 2013 at 1:03pm

Hello Angela   So Sorry you have had to join us on the forum and so sorry for your loss.   My husband dropped dead at my feet nearly three years ago of an aortic aneurysm.   There are no symptoms and because he was 77 I am supposed to accept it and move on quickly.   Well I can't accept it.   We were each others best friend and he was my rock.   I cannot get over watching him twitch to death at my feet and  never will.   I have no family.   We had no children and my sister and 2 nieces "cannot cope with my grief".   Lots of other friends disappeared in the mist and even those who have stuck by me are now muttering that after 2 plus years I should be coming to terms with it.   How do I do that.   They make me feel I am just feeling sorry for myself and if I really wanted to I could pick myself up and go on with a normal life.   I had an exceptionally happy marriage for 27 years and I will never get over losing him suddenly like that.   We were on holiday and I had to bring my husband home in a big estate car hanging on to the handles of his coffin - how do I forget that.   No I will grieve forever.   My only hope is that given time I will be better at hiding the grief from others because they just don't want to know.    I have probably scared all of you to death as your losses are so recent but the platitudes about time being a  great healer just aren't true and if you have been lucky enough to have a deep true love in your marriage, you never really come to terms with the death.   Mind you, most of you can probably go back to work and I feel that if I had been able to do that I would be better.   The widows I know who do work have certainly overtaken me in the coming to terms bit but at nearly 74 no one wants us except the voluntary sector and I am not ready for that yet.   I do feel for you.   You will still be feeling as if you are in a fog and that is actually kind in a way because it gives you time to let it sink in.   I am so sorry for your loss.    

Permalink Reply by Angela Giallombardo on May 7, 2013 at 1:39pm

Hello Helen, My husband was 64 and never sick a day in his life. Like you, he was my rock. We were together, 24/7 because he took early retirement. All he complained about was a little heartburn. Now, I am beating myself up, saying that I should have insisted that he see a doctor. But, knowing him, he wouldn't have gone. I have my daughter living downstairs from me and she is a big help. But, I have another problem, I have my 98 year old mother in a rehab center and I can't even go visit her. I used to go every day. He would drive me and pick me up. I just can't get myself to get dressed and leave the house. I'm even too shaky to drive right now. My daughter runs her own business from home and I help her. I am trying to keep busy with the work but it is very hard. I just can't believe that he is really gone. I don't know how I am going to get through this. One minute, we were talking and the next minute, all hell broke loose. We bought this house 15 years ago and now I am alone in a big empty house. He was so happy when we bought it. He loved it here. I am so sad. Thank you for writing to me and telling me your story.

Permalink Reply by Angela Giallombardo on May 7, 2013 at 7:04pm

Hello Jane,

I have already spoken to the people in rehab and they said not to tell her anything so I am not going to. I went to visit her today and she asked about Jimmy. I told her that he was staying home with the dog. In a way, it is a blessing that she is in rehab because she lives right across the street from me and if she was home, she would know that something was wrong. I doubt if she will ever be able to come home again. It was terrible walking in the house today for the first time and he wasn't here. Usually, he would drive me there and pick me up. I had to stand outside and wait for a cab in the exact spot where he used to get me. This is just a horror. It's a good thing that my daughter and son in law were with me. They live right downstairs and have been having dinner with me every night but how long can I make them do that. Our lives have been turned upside down.

Permalink Reply by Maureen Gilman on May 7, 2013 at 8:02pm

Angela,
I'm so sorry for your loss. This group has been a great help to me. Sometimes I just peek in and read questions and comments. It really helps to be part of a group who understands!
Maureen
6 months since I lost
Husband of 40 years

Permalink Reply by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on May 8, 2013 at 1:01pm

Angela   We were together 36 years also and he was in the peak of health (we thought) but aortic aneurysms have no warning symptoms.   I just found my husband twitching on the floor.   I was instructed how to give CPR but knew he was dead because his eyes were staring into mine and they were blue.   My husband had hazel eyes so they told me the blood had already drained from his head and everyone's eyes are blue under the colour they may be (babies eyes are always blue at birth but may change later).   We are treading this path called grief and there are no instructions so don't listen to anyone telling you how long or how hard you can grieve  - everyone is different.

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