Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Christy on July 27, 2011 at 6:35am

Dear Laura,

Unfortunately your story is familiar. Others here are facing similar circumstances & financial difficulties. It goes hand in hand with the loss of a loved one because both partners tend to work together to survive. That is/was my case also. My life partner- not "legally" my husband, died in a work related accident last August. He was the head of our household with his young son, my 2 college age kids & our granddaughter. I am the only employed individual in our house now providing for all of us with no death benefits from his employer- nothing! We have been considered married for about 8 years when he died. It is not easy. But I believe God will provide for us & so far he has. It helps if you have family to provide support, but like you I have no family here to depend on. If you are unemployed &/or have health issues there are government agencies that can help. Don't give up! Prayers & Best wishes for a better today~

 

Permalink Reply by Chicago Beard on July 28, 2011 at 7:34pm

Laura

 

I know that it feels like a mountain fell on you. You can only remove it one rock at a time. I lost my beloved Rose in September 2010. It never feels good but it does get better. I know it is hard to ask for help but sometimes it is necessary. No one is able to truly do it alone. We are here at Bereaved Spouses to listen and support, as we ourselves have been listened to and supported. I feel for you. It is a tough road but one that is ultimately worth traveling. Like I said it never feels good but it does get better. Please keep writing and tell us how you are doing. Hugs to you and yours and be as well as you can.

 

Permalink Reply by Linda G. on July 29, 2011 at 9:38am

Laura,  I am so sorry for your loss.  I too lost the love of my life to lung cancer almost 10 months ago.  After Neal was diagnosed, he had 5 months to live.  In that 5 months the cancer spread to his liver, bones and his brain.  My Neal was not a sick person, maybe a cold once in a while but that is all.  So to be told he had cancer and then 5 months later he is gone, there was no time for the word cancer to sink in much less him passing away. (not that 5 years would have helped ease the pain either)  But when I read other post on this site, I am thankful for my 5 months because of people like you who had less than 5 months and then the people who had no warning at all.  All I can tell you is that it is ok to whin on this site as everyone is here for you.  For me, this site has been very good.  It has been so good to have a place to go that I don't feel I have to pretend I am ok when I am not OK. So keep posting and have the best day that you can.  HUGS

Permalink Reply by Pete Bronson on July 31, 2011 at 4:16pm

Laura,

 

I am having the exact same experiences you are and wish I had more to say other then this, "Take it 1 minute, hour, day, etc. at a time". My Rose was diagnosed Sept 8, 2010 and passed in my arms on Nov. 27, 2010. Because of other health issues we could not get any company to carry life insurance on her, not that it would have helped all that much. We went into a great deal of debt trying to get her meaningful care and in the end I lost everything. I am just thankful that she was gone when the walls came tumbling down.

 

I moved  from where we had been living to another state to be closer to my family now that I am alone, it was 1 of the dumbest things I have done in my entire life. What is left of my life with my Rose fits easily into a 5 by 10 storage unit with a great deal of room to spare. If I could bring myself to part with what is left I would hop on a bus and return to our former state of residence, but being unemployed due to the emotional distress I am suffering through and the poor economy and now being homeless leaves little to make any move at all.

 

I will offer 1 other bit of advice and hope you do not make mistakes you will regret later. The people you think you can rely on the most are the least likely to help or understand what you are going through, your true friends will help you more then any member of your family including any adult children, and lastly do not make any major decisions about your living arrangement or finances with out asking many people that know you well for their opinions. The person that tells you to rethink your choices is probably the 1 you should listen to the most.

 

I do not post here much any more or even read through the comments like I used to but I had to share my experience with you in hopes that you might benefit from my mistakes.

 

To my friends here that read this: I am still alive and struggling but will somehow get through it all. My best to you all and remember that homeless guy looking like he has no friends was someones life's love too.

 

Wishing Everyone Peace and Tranquility,

 

Hugs,

 

Pete

Permalink Reply by Floss on August 1, 2011 at 7:38am

Pete

 so sorry about your inconvenience, and your problems, I pray that Something will come your way soon, and find work and a place to live.  when my husband died, I started going to church, and have clung to my God like never before. And that is what is getting me through, moment by moment. I have joined lotsa groups, just to be with positive people. Please try and find a group, or church that can be of a help to you spiritually.  I do have lots of times, when I feel down, and just want to lie on my bed.  I pray and hope it gets better for you. God bless and keep you in his care. I send you a big hug

Pete Bronson said:

Laura,

 

I am having the exact same experiences you are and wish I had more to say other then this, "Take it 1 minute, hour, day, etc. at a time". My Rose was diagnosed Sept 8, 2010 and passed in my arms on Nov. 27, 2010. Because of other health issues we could not get any company to carry life insurance on her, not that it would have helped all that much. We went into a great deal of debt trying to get her meaningful care and in the end I lost everything. I am just thankful that she was gone when the walls came tumbling down.

 

I moved  from where we had been living to another state to be closer to my family now that I am alone, it was 1 of the dumbest things I have done in my entire life. What is left of my life with my Rose fits easily into a 5 by 10 storage unit with a great deal of room to spare. If I could bring myself to part with what is left I would hop on a bus and return to our former state of residence, but being unemployed due to the emotional distress I am suffering through and the poor economy and now being homeless leaves little to make any move at all.

 

I will offer 1 other bit of advice and hope you do not make mistakes you will regret later. The people you think you can rely on the most are the least likely to help or understand what you are going through, your true friends will help you more then any member of your family including any adult children, and lastly do not make any major decisions about your living arrangement or finances with out asking many people that know you well for their opinions. The person that tells you to rethink your choices is probably the 1 you should listen to the most.

 

I do not post here much any more or even read through the comments like I used to but I had to share my experience with you in hopes that you might benefit from my mistakes.

 

To my friends here that read this: I am still alive and struggling but will somehow get through it all. My best to you all and remember that homeless guy looking like he has no friends was someones life's love too.

 

Wishing Everyone Peace and Tranquility,

 

Hugs,

 

Pete

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on August 1, 2011 at 5:34pm

Dear Laura ...

 

I am so sorry to hear of the circumstances you are in and for your loss and the other 5 deaths certainly did not help your situation.  Once a spouse passes away we are forced to look at our own mortality and that is not pleasant, but eventually, in time, we come to peace with it believe it or not.  My husband passed away April 27, 2011 from pancreatic cancer and it still bothers me that I was not there when he passed away.  I am still struggling, but have faith in God; small family on my side; friends and the good people on this forum.  I too find it difficult to reach out and ask someone for help with the heavier work, but forced myself too and it was a shock to me how many of my friends came to my aid; even neighbors.  Solutions are needed in many cases so perhaps try a few churches in your area and see if they can help you financially to get you to Louisiana, but be sure you have discussed this with your children and have somewhere to stay once there.  As much as it hurts you missing your Mike try staying where you are for a little bit longer until you can start to think straight.  Grieving can leave you in a fog; cause you to make bad decisions, so hang on a little longer regarding moving.  If you have good neighbors then don't be afraid to ask for help to get your truck fixed.  I found my neighbors have fixed many things for me.  You are not whining at all and we have all been down the same road you have been down.  At first I would keep the blinds closed; keep to myself; seldom answer the phone; lay or sit around; still have a little bit of a rough time eating properly; feelings of being over-whelmed, but as the days pass and my faith it is getting a little better.  My heart still aches for my Ernie, but I know he would want me to go on and that is a promise I made to him several days before he passed.  Your Mike would want you to go on and as down and foggy-headed as you may feel right now remember that you have a right to feel this way.  Cry; get a little angry; cry more if need be and that you will know when the time is right to start moving in a more positive direction.  

 

Hugs & God Bless

Marcy    

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on August 1, 2011 at 5:42pm

Pete Bronson said:

Laura,

 

I am having the exact same experiences you are and wish I had more to say other then this, "Take it 1 minute, hour, day, etc. at a time". My Rose was diagnosed Sept 8, 2010 and passed in my arms on Nov. 27, 2010. Because of other health issues we could not get any company to carry life insurance on her, not that it would have helped all that much. We went into a great deal of debt trying to get her meaningful care and in the end I lost everything. I am just thankful that she was gone when the walls came tumbling down.

 

I moved  from where we had been living to another state to be closer to my family now that I am alone, it was 1 of the dumbest things I have done in my entire life. What is left of my life with my Rose fits easily into a 5 by 10 storage unit with a great deal of room to spare. If I could bring myself to part with what is left I would hop on a bus and return to our former state of residence, but being unemployed due to the emotional distress I am suffering through and the poor economy and now being homeless leaves little to make any move at all.

 

I will offer 1 other bit of advice and hope you do not make mistakes you will regret later. The people you think you can rely on the most are the least likely to help or understand what you are going through, your true friends will help you more then any member of your family including any adult children, and lastly do not make any major decisions about your living arrangement or finances with out asking many people that know you well for their opinions. The person that tells you to rethink your choices is probably the 1 you should listen to the most.

 

I do not post here much any more or even read through the comments like I used to but I had to share my experience with you in hopes that you might benefit from my mistakes.

 

To my friends here that read this: I am still alive and struggling but will somehow get through it all. My best to you all and remember that homeless guy looking like he has no friends was someones life's love too.

 

Wishing Everyone Peace and Tranquility,

 

Hugs,

 

Pete

 

Dear Pete ...

 

I am praying that things get a whole lot better for you and you are so right about those you thought would be there for you and are not, but others fill their place.  Sometimes I dream of winning a big lottery and I could share it with some of you that are struggling financially.  I live in Canada so our health system is better than in the U.S., but the widow's pension is not very good.  I do have relatives in different States and know how much the health care there can drain a person financially dry. All of you on here are in my prayers every night and that peace and some prosperity will boost us along.  Please keep in touch with us so we know how you are doing.

 

God bless

Marcy

Permalink Reply by Glenda Madsen on August 2, 2011 at 5:20pm

I have just lost my husband of 13 1/2 years on Friday July 29, 2011.  He had some major illness including Type 1 diabetes and ENd stage kidney failure.  He died at home and I keep asking myself if I could of done more for him.

Permalink Reply by Pete Bronson on August 2, 2011 at 6:09pm

Glenda,

 

I am sorry for your loss. I understand that you may feel like you might have tried to do more as I often question if I could have done more or at least something differently that would have kept me from loosing my Rose. Unfortunately with some illnesses there is only so much we can do, if the doctors could not help there really isn't much we could except to show our love and devotion until the end. I know it is not much of a consolation but take some solace in the fact that they suffer and hurt no more, we are left to do that now.

 

Floss and Marcy,

 

Thank you both for your kind words, prayers, and thoughts. We all need those things so much these days just to get by!

 

I wish you all peace and tranquility!

 

Hugs,

 

Pete

Permalink Reply by Glenda Madsen on August 2, 2011 at 6:19pm

I know exactly how you feel.  I lost my husband and best friend of13 1/2 years on Friday 7/29.  My husband was a type 1 diabetic and had been on dialysis for almost 2 years.  The last 3 years I have had to stay home to take care of him.  I watched him die in our home.  I am now going to be reaponsible for rent, utilities, etc.  At this vpoint I don't know how I am going to do it.

Permalink Reply by Glenda Madsen on August 2, 2011 at 6:21pm

Thank yoku so much for your kind words.  I really needed to hear that.  I am always getting told by his mother I didn't do enough.  THANK YOU!!
Pete Bronson said:

Glenda,

 

I am sorry for your loss. I understand that you may feel like you might have tried to do more as I often question if I could have done more or at least something differently that would have kept me from loosing my Rose. Unfortunately with some illnesses there is only so much we can do, if the doctors could not help there really isn't much we could except to show our love and devotion until the end. I know it is not much of a consolation but take some solace in the fact that they suffer and hurt no more, we are left to do that now.

 

Floss and Marcy,

 

Thank you both for your kind words, prayers, and thoughts. We all need those things so much these days just to get by!

 

I wish you all peace and tranquility!

 

Hugs,

 

Pete

Permalink Reply by Pete Bronson on August 2, 2011 at 7:01pm

Glenda,

 

It sounds to me like his mother is bitter over loosing her son and looking to blame someone. Perhaps she is feeling guilty over not doing enough herself, do not take what she is saying to heart but do not forget it either. If you read around you will find I am experiencing some very bad and sad times myself as is everyone else here, some of us are worse off then others but we all share a common thread in that we lost our spouses.

 

I had been with my wife, living together as a couple since 8 days after my 18th birthday. I turned 49 the end of January. I have never lived alone in my lifetime until my Rose passed and even though I have shared a living arrangement with other in these last 9 months since her passing I find I would have been better off alone. Anyone that has not experienced what we are living through could begin to understand our position. I have lost my job partly due to the economy and partly because I can no longer function as I did before, it is a terrible existence to not have your partner and soul mate after all these years.

 

I have recently become homeless as well because of my joblessness and the lack of understanding by my own family. I moved away from the state my wife and I lived in when she passed, the support offered by the Hospice group that helped care for her in her last 2 months on earth, and support from a caring employer arranged by my support network to be closer to my own kin folk. I moved a thousand plus miles at my own expense to find in a very short time it was the biggest mistake I have ever made.

 

I can go back to all the support and even employment I left behind but now I am without the resources to do so. I could hop on a bus tomorrow but I can not bring myself to leave behind and most likely loose what little I have left of the life my Rose and I shared for 31 years, we lost so much in the last 7 years with Hurricanes and personal crisis' I would not be able to live with myself if I gave the remainder up. I am doing what I can but am so damaged now and depressed it makes a very bad situation even worse.

 

Through it all I keep trying because it is what Rose would have wanted and expected of me if she were still here. It is just rough to go through the loss and then to struggle with what so many take for granted these days. Just keep trying the best you can, take it minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day, do not be afraid to ask for help or speak your mind when you need to. Try to find something no matter how small or insignificant to smile about each day no matter how bad it seems and do not hide your pain from anyone, you are allowed to grieve it is how the human animal heals from a major loss. I have to sign off for tonight public PC and the library is closing but I will make a special effort to check for any more replies and will keep you in my prayers as I seek shelter from the heat tonight.

 

Hugs,

 

Pete

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