Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jo on October 22, 2010 at 9:43am

Before the net and tv,people VISITED eachother in person.Those who had lost a loved one were given a year to grieve.Their friends and relatives would stay with them,cook for them,listen to them, shop for them,and just be there.Not today.It seems after the Funerals and Memorials,you;re pretty much on your own and you have to ASK for sympathy and help.I don't have an answer,but it is sad that the world has become so impersonal.
Maybe you could find someone who needs YOU.a homeless shelter;anything.it has only been 9 weeks for me,but I know that I am the one who will pull me out of this,Not Family or friends.I want my Husband to be as proud of me as he ever was.I miss him like hell,but I know he would want me to be the best I can be and not as a legacy to him as much as a statement to everyone that I am the strong person he knows i am. I hope your life gets better,soon.Hugs

Permalink Reply by Christy on November 11, 2010 at 9:04am

Jo, you are a strong woman. I am reading & searching through these discussions & while each one weighs on me, your posts continally lift! Your posts reflect the person Larry & my children believe I am, yet I have stunned my children by my continuous grieving/crying. Where is the "strong" woman everyone tells me I am? Parts of me want to give up- I don't want to be strong. I know though, that this is a very painful growth process & that I will be more capable of giving & relating to others in time. I hope you continue to post here from time to time as you grow from this because your words are a blessing to me & others. Prayers & hugs-
Jo said:

Before the net and tv,people VISITED eachother in person.Those who had lost a loved one were given a year to grieve.Their friends and relatives would stay with them,cook for them,listen to them, shop for them,and just be there.Not today.It seems after the Funerals and Memorials,you;re pretty much on your own and you have to ASK for sympathy and help.I don't have an answer,but it is sad that the world has become so impersonal.
Maybe you could find someone who needs YOU.a homeless shelter;anything.it has only been 9 weeks for me,but I know that I am the one who will pull me out of this,Not Family or friends.I want my Husband to be as proud of me as he ever was.I miss him like hell,but I know he would want me to be the best I can be and not as a legacy to him as much as a statement to everyone that I am the strong person he knows i am. I hope your life gets better,soon.Hugs

Permalink Reply by Jo on November 11, 2010 at 9:37am

There are days when "Strong" is probably not the right word!I had been divoced twice before I married my lovely Husband,and of course,thought it would be forever.34 years has to be good enough,and it is,But,I learned a lot after the divorces,and I went back to that "alone" time and tried to remember how I felt and what I did.How I survived.I am lucky now,with financial security,a house with no mortgage and a great many Friends and Family who are great.I do have a job and will be taking over my Husaband's part of it after the first of the year,if I'm ready.I continue to do Computer graphics which keeps me busy.I also will pass on some advise I got,which is good,-Don't do anything quickly.Give yourself time to think and don't do things out of fear or panic,and if it doesn't feel right to YOU,don't do it.-You have choices and you are the one to determine what the rest of your life will look like.I'm in the process of doing that and it's tough.SLOWLY...................!I am also tutoring English to High School Kids,and that's fun.Extra money,too....Keep the faith.

Permalink Reply by Jo on November 11, 2010 at 9:37am

There are days when "Strong" is probably not the right word!I had been divoced twice before I married my lovely Husband,and of course,thought it would be forever.34 years has to be good enough,and it is,But,I learned a lot after the divorces,and I went back to that "alone" time and tried to remember how I felt and what I did.How I survived.I am lucky now,with financial security,a house with no mortgage and a great many Friends and Family who are great.I do have a job and will be taking over my Husaband's part of it after the first of the year,if I'm ready.I continue to do Computer graphics which keeps me busy.I also will pass on some advise I got,which is good,-Don't do anything quickly.Give yourself time to think and don't do things out of fear or panic,and if it doesn't feel right to YOU,don't do it.-You have choices and you are the one to determine what the rest of your life will look like.I'm in the process of doing that and it's tough.SLOWLY...................!I am also tutoring English to High School Kids,and that's fun.Extra money,too....Keep the faith.

Permalink Reply by Jerry on November 24, 2010 at 7:50pm

You bring up some good points. The world has changed somtimes for the good,somtimes for the bad. I guess people were a lot tougher years ago,they didnt have AC, cars,phones TV etc. And I dont think there were many nusring homes and assisted living was not around. Peolpe used to take care of thier own. I get distracted also when I am busy working on a project either at home or away, but when I have down time is when my thoughts turn to my sadnees. But,the memories of te good times do bring a smile to my face. This is the place we can vent,its good to express your thoughts,not keep them inside.God bless us all,especially during the Holidays,when it can be depressing.

Permalink Reply by Crimson B. on January 19, 2011 at 8:45am

Suzanne,

People actually were neighbors "back then". They lived with their families. So, they had one another. I think it is a shame that we do not grieve the way it was done "back then". I live alone, and no one came to bring me food, or wrote me cards, or anything of the sort. We live in a very isolated world, and the internet is the only thing that somewhat keeps us together now. It makes me sad that Americans especially do not treat death or dying well. But, I am very grateful to have found this group. It beats having no one who understands. Love to you,

crimson

Permalink Reply by Sheila Johnson on March 23, 2011 at 2:07pm

Suzanne:  I only come here occasionally.  I liked your post very much.  Your last paragraph sure applies to me......................after 16 months of losing my hubby.  I think I'm probably depressed and too dumb to know it.

Permalink Reply by Sheryl McCormick on March 25, 2011 at 9:54am

I have often asked my mom - how did you do it mom.  My dad died suddenly from cardiac arrest in Sept. of 2003 and my husband died suddenly as the result of an auto accident.  She always says - "your dad was older and we knew our time may come soon (she is 83 now), you on the other hand are much younger and didn't expect to lose your husband so soon."   I am 54 (I was 53 when he died 11 days before my birthday in November).  He was only 55.  It is so hard.

Permalink Reply by Terri Carter on March 25, 2011 at 4:44pm

Suzanne, you speak volumes. 

 

As far as "how they did it," although they did not have the internet and the ability to share with others not so intimately connected with themselves, they probably had more closeness in their community.  Good and bad on both levels.  Because they knew and lived with family members often generations ago, and knew their neighbors more than many of us do today, their internet was physical where ours is virtual.  The downside to that was if you did not share with most -- or horrors of horrors ANY -- of your relatives or someone living close by similar feelings or at least have someone you could openly share and be understood by, well that is where the internet comes in.  We have a wider net so we can be comforted by people that might not otherwise express what people physically close to us can.  By the same token, we can get shot down by more people, I guess.

 

Still, I often wonder why it is that although friends I didn't know I had have come out of the woodwork to offer some friendship now, other friends I thought I had have retreated, and I find myself since my husband died in January with a whole new network (both at home and on the internet) of people I turn to or who turn to me.

 

Something to consider. 

 

Anyway, I am glad for those near in space and in spirit -- and don't know how I'd have managed keeping my sanity without you here on this network!

Permalink Reply by Jerry on March 25, 2011 at 5:24pm

    I believe some people dont  know how to act or what to say to someone that has lost their spouse. I have went to a few social functions with family or co workers and I get a feeling that they are treating me differently. I went to a cousins 50th bithday last month,one of my aunts kept telling her daugther to make sure I had something to eat.Maybe she remembered that when we were at a palce with a buffet,my dear Karen would always make me up a plate . I am more comfortable in places where no one knows my situation,although I do feel alone in either case. It has been 14 months since m wife is gone,perhaps things will change as time goes on. Writting this and rememebering has got me in tears.

Permalink Reply by Sheryl McCormick on March 25, 2011 at 10:28pm

You are right Jerry - I think they feel uncomfortable and don't know what to say or do (some of them at least).  Others may be a little shallow and focused more on their own lives (I really think most people care, however in the past they were more sincere then people are now).  I understand the comfort of being in the company of people who don't know your story - when we are with people who do know, they sometimes can seem uncaring if they don't acknowledge us or avoid talking about the person we lost. 

I am sure that memory makes you very sad since your wife always tried to do kind things like getting your plate for you at a buffet, etc.  It would indeed make you feel very alone in a setting as you described.  I am glad the Aunt was sensative to this but I know that too can make you feel sad because you know that others are also aware of how different things are now for you.

 

 I feel sad shoveling the snow out of the driveway since my husband always made sure the driveway was plowed (I don't even know how to start the snow blower!). I also don't know how to drive the tractor to mow the lawn or the chain saw to chop down the tree limb that fell in the neighbor's yard!  My husband would have already taken care of that for me.  I had to call a tree service and I am still waiting for them to show up...  oh well it will get easier in time I hope. 

 

Take care - tears were created for a purpose and we need to release them when we have moments like you shared that reminds you once again of your great loss.  Take care - prayers are being said for you and others in this group as I hear your individual stories.

Jerry said:

    I believe some people dont  know how to act or what to say to someone that has lost their spouse. I have went to a few social functions with family or co workers and I get a feeling that they are treating me differently. I went to a cousins 50th bithday last month,one of my aunts kept telling her daugther to make sure I had something to eat.Maybe she remembered that when we were at a palce with a buffet,my dear Karen would always make me up a plate . I am more comfortable in places where no one knows my situation,although I do feel alone in either case. It has been 14 months since m wife is gone,perhaps things will change as time goes on. Writting this and rememebering has got me in tears.

Permalink Reply by Sheryl McCormick on March 25, 2011 at 10:36pm

Good points Terri - times have changed with technology.  In some ways it is better but we still need to see compassion in the eyes of someone who truly cares, a kind hug of reassurance when we feel our worst, a comforting voice to encourage us, etc.  I do remember as a child neighbors all knew each other and all of the kids in the neighborhood were outside playing outdoor games - not in the house with a computer game or DSI. Sometimes the improvements in technology can certainly become barriars to real communication.

Terri Carter said:

Suzanne, you speak volumes. 

 

As far as "how they did it," although they did not have the internet and the ability to share with others not so intimately connected with themselves, they probably had more closeness in their community.  Good and bad on both levels.  Because they knew and lived with family members often generations ago, and knew their neighbors more than many of us do today, their internet was physical where ours is virtual.  The downside to that was if you did not share with most -- or horrors of horrors ANY -- of your relatives or someone living close by similar feelings or at least have someone you could openly share and be understood by, well that is where the internet comes in.  We have a wider net so we can be comforted by people that might not otherwise express what people physically close to us can.  By the same token, we can get shot down by more people, I guess.

 

Still, I often wonder why it is that although friends I didn't know I had have come out of the woodwork to offer some friendship now, other friends I thought I had have retreated, and I find myself since my husband died in January with a whole new network (both at home and on the internet) of people I turn to or who turn to me.

 

Something to consider. 

 

Anyway, I am glad for those near in space and in spirit -- and don't know how I'd have managed keeping my sanity without you here on this network!

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