How did they do it?

I just wonder how our mothers, fathers, grandparents and ancestors grieved when their spouse's passed without the use of the internet, and bereavement groups, Hospice, counselors, online grief groups, and medication. All of those who have gone on before us and even those millions and millions who are in turmoil for what we all are all going through, whether they are celebrity or infamous, pain is pain. Even with having a support network and the help that is available nowadays it is still so very difficult to bear. How did they ever do it? Since time began, there has been an ocean of tears. How did they do it? I don't have the answer, but I just think it must have been harder back then.

In every aspect of life things have gotten more convenient, like pen and paper to the computer and from rubbing sticks together to electricity, kids don't even know what a 45 or 78 inch record, an 8-track tape or a cassette is, how could they know? As time goes on we have it easier, but we don't even realize it, so how could we know? Which makes me think that for all the sorrow each of us is going through, like it is with the M-13 gangs, and the street violence where kids have been murdered for a pair of sneakers, there are those out there in the world that have no conscience and are desensitized to the human condition. No wonder I feel lots of people don't understand me or what we are going through. (I guess this was my centennial minute for this century.)

Don't mind me, I'm just thinking out loud. I have no one else to talk to. Everyone has their work or family issues and I have nothing better to do than analyze the entire world. Maybe my son was right, to consider in getting a volunteer job. (Don't know if I can.) He mentioned this soon after his Dad passed away (I hate to say the word died when it applies to him) but I just want to isolate unless I go out with family. I don't think I should depend on my loved ones to heal me 24/7. When I do go out I get distracted, and I feel better, but I still come home alone and the invevitable sadness returns. After all, I'm only human. Intellectually I know Dan is with me, but I still wish he was still here with me in person. I don't like to face this cruel world alone. But, I wouldn't want Danny to be still suffering either. I guess I just needed to vent what is within me, and if you read all of this, you are a Saint.

God bless and ((Hugs)),

Suzanne

Recommend

1 member likes this

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on September 19, 2012 at 6:01am

Suzanne (I'm no Saint ... just plain 'ol me! Ha, ha.)

I have been analyzing about God; the world; the people in it and the 'whys' of why my Ernie is still not here with me. I do believe that our parents and grandparents were hard stock; they didn't have time to mourn although there was great sadness. They didn't get the pleasure of sitting behind a computer and just did hard work from morning to dusk. I did research on how people grieved back then and believe it or not some died of a broken heart if someone they were very close too passed away; others had to hoist their knickers up to help keep the family together by searching out a job; while kids of the family had to pitch in. The old saying 'busy hands keep the devil away' can be true (although I detest the expression.) We were all wound up with our spouses or children (I don't have children) and most of us never stopped to smell the flowers. Now that we are grieving it is almost like life is going in slow motion and we are noticing more things. I feel like I've been in another world because I have lived in my small town since 1978 and suddenly I am beginning to see things that have always been there, but I never noticed.

I think volunteer work would be good for you (I am thinking of doing the same as I'm retired; no children and no one to care for) and we sure need to care for others and feel useful. Just take your time and don't rush into things. There are also women's groups out there (widows groups even if you search the Internet and find one in your area.) Often these ladies go on trips or tours.

I've tried distracting myself by going out, but there are only so many places one can go and then you are right, we have to come back to an empty house and face our loneliness. We all have been shoved out into a very unsettled world and of course fear of our future is natural. Think back in your life to one incident that you thought you would never make it through the ordeal ... you did! You will get through this as well. There is no reason you shouldn't rely on your family for a few more months. Your son would be worried about you. Like you sometimes I feel the pang of being alone with the feeling of just existing for the sake of it; find it difficult to know there may still be a future for me, but like you with your Dan, I think of Ernie and I know he would want me to go on in life.

Venting is good and this Saint is rather banged up. Ha, ha.

Hang in there hon. God Bless and bring you peace

Marcy

Permalink Reply by DesertDove on October 2, 2012 at 2:05am

Well I think way back when.... people had & now too have Church "families" & had more of their

family around them., back when women didn't work outside the home... people didn't move far

away you knew all yr cousins, neices, nephews, aunts, uncles, Etc. Personally I think the old way

was better TO ME where the wife stays home & raises the children, & the husband goes to work.

Now in the last 15 yrs we have latch key kids, we can't help our Parents when they get ill, cuz we have to go to "work" the most stressed out women are those who r married hv 2 small kids at home & work a

40 hr a week job, then come home to their "second" job.

Permalink Reply by Michelle on September 29, 2014 at 11:50am

Interesting how our brains work.

A very good question.

In those days, women probably had a lot of friends that did not work outside of their house. and family that visited or called you more.

If they are caring and not busy, friends and family are amazing during times like these.

Along with house work and raising children.

As for men, I have no clue how they dealt with it, then or now.

Probably just worked more, to keep busy.

Permalink Reply by MJ on September 29, 2014 at 1:52pm

Hi Suzanne,

I'm very sorry about the passing of your husband. I can only imagine how difficult it has been. How long ago did he pass away?

I was very surprised at your comment about how did our ancestors grieve in the past without the use of technology. I have always understood technology to be only a substitute for real interaction with others. Inventions such as the phone, voicemails, skype and internet are all convenient when two people cannot be together in real time. But think about it, if you really loved someone - wouldn't you prefer them in front of you so you can reach out and touch them? Support groups exist today, in part because the more preferable natural social support that came from a close knit small community barely exists today. Think of a typical day today versus the past. Today, if you wanted to, or if you were too depressed, you could spend the entire day alone and who would notice? Years ago, you had no choice - you had to walk everywhere, everyday, and thereby talk to everyone else on the road who also had to engage in the same outdoor activities . You had to walk to get water, to collect food, to get bread from the local bakery, these were mandatory activities that life required. And involved interacting with others. You were forced to be part of society, like it or not, you could not so easily become isolated and lapse into even more depression. Especially at the very beginning, every member was necessary to the survival of the group - you were needed. If you wanted to eat and survive, you had to always be on your game. Life pushed you on, no matter the depression in your life. Depression did exist, but community members were always around you, supporting you. Imagine on a typical day how many conversations you had to have - and how many people would be aware of what you were going through - well aware - if they saw you everyday, they could keep close tabs on your progress and be there to consistently and frequently help you up. Support groups today are maybe once a week, and with strangers you just met for the very first time when suddenly finding yourself in a new predicament. In the past, the people closest to you, who were already there for you day to day, would continue to be there for you.

Just my thoughts.

Permalink Reply by Deb S on July 30, 2016 at 7:39pm

Suzanne, Thanks for posting. I agree with everything you wrote. I am especially grateful for the existence of this group of folks who understand what each other is experiencing and is quick to offer a kind word or a prayer or a hug. God Bless and Hugs to you too! Debbie

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on July 31, 2016 at 5:38am

Suzanne ... What a great post. I grew up in the 40's and 50's so I saw how parents and grandparents dealt with death either of their own parents, perhaps a child, spouse or sibling. I saw first hand mothers at home looking after their children and often having elderly parents living with them or even an adult sibling. My mother looked after her mother in our home and one brother. It enriched our family and was never a burden. Today both couples work and little time for quality time with family although I see a few changes here where families go biking or hiking, etc. I hope this means they are getting back to basics. Our parents and grandparents to put it bluntly shed their tears then sucked it up and moved forward, but the difference was most families were simply more supportive and much closer. Elderly people should be revered in the Western world, but unfortunately aren't.

I blame kids being brought up on too much technology; not thinking with their brains or paying attention to what is going on around them. Many are not in touch with reality, can't handle the responsibilities we did back in the day when needed and lack empathy. TV doesn't help and the crime rate in the U.S. and Canada or other parts of the world seem to make the younger generation void of feelings because there is so much of it. There is a great book out called 'Behold A Pale Horse' by Milton Cooper. They put it under the heading of 'Conspiracy', but it's far from that. In the book he said that the plan by governments around the world for one thing (out of many) was to stop the family unit as it once was and it's happening. Much of what he has said has come true. That book sure woke me up.

Now when we grieve for our lost spouses we may have family for awhile supporting us or a few friends, but it doesn't take long for them to get on with their own hectic life often leaving us in a confused state and in the dust. While we cling on to our memories and try to struggle through grief we come to a conclusion in ourselves we really are alone in this quest to get through grief and we do. We gain knowledge and strength just as much as our ancestors did. There is always hope for all of us even in our darkest days.

Bless you and Hugs

Marsha