Everyone keeps telling me it gets easier as time goes by but its really not.
Every minute of every day i wonder what i could have done to prevent my husband from doing this, i told him every day several times a day how much i love him but i guess it just wasnt enough.
Last november when my baby made his second attempt i just couldnt cope any more and i called the police for help. I didnt know what else to do, i just know that i didnt want to lose my husband.
My mother in law today said it was all my fault because i called the police last time he tried. she says that was enough to do it this time. that i shouldnt have called the police, i should have called them. they live 45 mins away from us.
I would like to think that we had moved past that because we were so happy and he had promised not to do it again. Maybe shes right maybe i shouldnt have called the police but i just didnt know what to do. All i know is it was 4 months since his second attempt and he seemed so happy no indication this time, one minute we are outside laughing and having coffee and the next hes gone.
I dont understand why i couldnt help him this time, i started resucitation like i did the first time. His family are right, i should have known something was wrong but i missed it.
I miss him so much and so do our daughters (my husband step daughters).
Life is worth nothing with out him.
I miss you so much baby its so hard doing this without you
I will be 7 years in August since my little brother took his own life.....I am still not completely over it. Take "one second" at a time. It will get easier but it will take time....."lot's of Time" I still am going the 7 stages of "grief" and once I think I am on the last stage............It starts all over..........I am "Praying" for you.."God Bless" YOU NEED TO GET THROUGH THE "Feeling Guilty" stage ((that's the toughest))
Yesterday I read this passage in Kay Redfield Jamison's book, "Night Falls Fast"--
...Time does not heal,
It makes a half-stitched scar
That can be broken and again you feel
Grief as total as in its first hour.
Time alone does not make it easier to bear, but it is the grief work done during that time that helps bring a degree of healing. Though we will never "get over it," we do learn coping skills and strategies to deal with the pain when it emerges. For one, we take it one day at a time. We learn that when we feel overwhelmed with grief, we know that it passes, and that gives us hope.
It was not your fault. Your mother-in-law is hurting and needs to be able to put the blame someplace, but truly it was not your fault. Suicide is infinitely more complex than one person can cause to happen. In time you will understand and believe that.
I hate that to meliza, even my husbands mum and dad keep saying im only young and in time i will meet someone else that my husband wouldnt want me to be alone. well we may have only been together 2 years married only four months 4 days after he passed away but i do know my husband couldnt stand the thought of me with some one else. im only 30 and my husband was 42 his last wife cheated on him and walked out on him and the 3 children, 2 with autism. it broke his heart.
I was told the stupidest thing the other day by my grief councilor it made me so angry, he said " sometimes when people have had a shitty life and been rejected, treated like crap and abandoned that when they find real love and happiness they just dont know how to handle it, that they dont feel worthy. My husband and i fought about him having his cancer cut out of his neck,it wasnt going to spread it was the best skin cancer to have if your going to get one, he was so worried about a hole in his neck and all i cared about was having my husband around to grow old with. it makes me wonder what cruel things had been said to him in past relationships for him to think a minor thing like a scar or hole would change how i feel about him. his mum rang me again today and was so nice, she said ive always got her so i dont take it to personally as she is grieving to but it dont make it hurt any less. I was a very strong person before my husband took his life, its one of the things my husband always said he loved about me, i can be a bit of a controll freak in the sense that i like to be in controll of my life, i like routine etc etc but since my husband hung himself and despite my efforts to resucitate him and he passed away in icu 3 days later, im out of controll nothing is normal it never will be, i hate doing anything we did together and that was a lot of things. my grief councilor said to me the other day " can you think what you were like before you met peter" NO i cant, all i know is peter, after an extremely abusive almost fatal relationship 11 years ago meeting peter who was so gentle and affectionate and caring, he was my best friend the only person in the world who knew everything about me was the best thing ever. I couldnt believe how lucky i was, i will never be with any one else it took 11 years to find him, a man who in one word was my everthing, he litteraly was my puzzle put together. My husband asked me one day what i meant by that and i told him, have you ever sat down and wrote on a piece of paper all the qualities you would like in a partner, no one person has all the qualities, diffrent people have diffrent ones but you baby have all of them and i showed him my diary from 5 years earlier and said see you are my puzzle put together. I no longer have a life, i have two beautiful girls one will be 18 and moving out in 3 years and the other in 9 years. i will be 39 whats left after that. I think sometimes my husband is watching out for me cause ive tried to end my pain but he just wont let me and when i ask him for something
i get it.seems weird i know but its what happens
I know just how u feel , it's been 12 weeks since my boyfriend and father of 2 jumped off a bridge and chose to leave me and his kids.. His mom also blamed me because two weeks before he took his life we got in a fight and I called the cops on him and threatened to put a restraining order on him... He went to jail that day because he had a warrant for his arrest .I told his mom to keep an eye on him because I thought that he was going to do this to himself, he's tried it before in the past but I didn't take it serious in a way .. I just can't be around his mom or his family anymore I told his mom ,am I to blame for this or you that has had 33 yrs with him or me that has only had 6yrs of his life ... I do take some blame in this situation but not all.. How could I have stopped him looking back at this situation now I see signs , signs that he just wasn't happy not even when he was with his kids ... I know that he had a fucked up life But I did to , the only difference was that I didn't have a mother bailed me out of every situation, i had to learn how to cope with life and that's one thing his mother never made him do.. She chose to solve his problems an this time she couldn't solve it for him and he didn't know how to make himself better... It's crazy now I look at his picture and I just see his body and it doesn't seem like him at all..I just can't believe he's really gone every morning that I wake up , and I keep thinking how it feels like to be dead... I don't think it's gotten easier for me either , I think now I'm starting to realize that he's really dead and that he's never coming back.. Do you know what I hate the most when people tell you you're young you have your whole life ahead of you and this will make you so much stronger.. I just think to myself I don't want to be more stronger I just want him back in my life....
I am so sorry the suffering you are experiencing. Do you feel that you can lean on God for help?
Don't blame yourself. My brother died by jumping, but he was a golden boy. He had everything he could want. He left his girlfriend and brother in the middle of a fun evening where he showed only a few signs, to jump. No one sees this coming.