How do we go on?

Truly, how do we go on? How do people expect us to? I feel like I'm only making people angry because I'm not "better" since my husband died just over 6 months ago. Even my family. I am so extremely tired. Tired of trying. Tired of fighting. My husband Jake had a large amount of life insurance, even though he wasn't even 26 yet, and I feel like it's getting in the way of everything. I don't work. I have been a stay at home mom for just about all of the eight years we've had our son. I don't even feel I'm capable of working. I've never been good at that. But regardless, I've loaned out very large amounts of money thinking that Jake would want me to help them. However, now I feel completely taken advantage of and feel they're taking advantage of my husbands death. I loaned my brother $40,000 to get all of his and his wife's debt paid, so they could afford groceries and such. Now they're getting divorced! I made it understandable to everyone that they would have to start paying back after the new year and not one of the three people have made any effort. I feel like I let my son down. My husband. And I feel like a nobody. I just found out that people kept a lot of details of my husbands death from me. And I now know that he suffered tremendously, and I am having an extremely difficult time with that and it's making me so angry. Especially at others. He died in a fire and all I hear is how people hate their lives and nothing goes right. And all I can think of is how bad it was for Jake and just shut up to people, because atleast they have their lives. Jake lost his life, but I also lost mine. He was my life. And I feel completely alone and lost. I have no idea how I'm going to get by. And the worst is, I have no choice but to go on because of our son. But I often wonder if he'd be better off without me. I feel I've let him down and I'm letting my husband down! And I have no idea how to change that. I'm pretty much a failure and people definitely have no trouble reminding me that.

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Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on February 23, 2011 at 8:31am

Elyse, dont let anyone make you feel like a failure. YOUR NOT! You made a couple of not too good decisions lending out money (you know you will never see that again). Learn from it and move on. Watch how you spend your money from now on. I just found a very good financial planner who specializes in widows like us. I live in NY, she is in NJ let me know if your nearby or would like her number to talk to her. My family is under the impression that I am rich now because my husband had a decent life insurance policy. That has to be saved for my old age. Im only 46 and have alot of years ahead and I dont want to be a burden on my kids. I am working because we need medical insurance and I have decided to go back to college to get my degree. There is no way I can make enough money to support myself if I dont do it and when my kids social security ends I will be in big trouble. My family is mad at me too and think 8 months is long enough and I have to let it go. Do I tell my 3 children (my youngest is 12) that daddy is gone forget him. Most of my friends are gone too. Its like a have the plague. To hell with them. I take things a moment at a time. Im sorry that your husband died like that and you know what dont listen to anyone telling you how he suffered...they dont know for sure and hes not suffering now. My husband suffered with pain and cancer for a year...some days I wished it would end and I regret that now. It was just so hard to watch and to be awoken from a sleep with his screams...a little bit of me died too. 8 months and still I am waiting for him to come home...I dont know if that will ever change. If there is anything I can do for you please get in touch with me. No one understands how we feel so dont listen to anything they have to say....hang in there. Love Renee

Permalink Reply by Mary Sue Milkie on February 23, 2011 at 5:34pm

Elyse, I just lost my husband about seven months ago. My family and friends feel the same as yours. that I should be over loosing the love of my life. Just take one day at a time, you will have good days and bad days. You will hear songs or memories that remind you of Jake, and you will cry, but you will start to have days that you will smile, with his memory. If you need anything, please don't hesitate. I am here for you..

Always, Mary

Permalink Reply by Kim on February 24, 2011 at 6:01pm

Elyse,

I ask myself that question everyday...How do I go on, and everyday I wake up and am forced to put one foot in front of the other and keep going even though some days I truely want to give up. I don't care what anyone thinks about how long I am suppose to grieve. Especially someone who has never experienced the loss of a spouse. Do people really think we like to feel this way? Do they think it is our choice? I try so hard, I really do, but everytime I take a step forward it seems like I am pulled back a giant leap. You were fortunate to have a life insurance policy from your husband. My husband didn't have one and financially I am struggling. I will most likely lose my home in the next couple of months because I can no longer afford the payments. They say everything happens for a reason and I am not sure I believe that or not, but am hoping something good will eventually happen for me. It was very kind of you to lend your family money but very sad they have not made any effort to pay you back. I hope they do soon.

Permalink Reply by Carol Kayser on February 25, 2011 at 1:04am

Hi everyone who has written in the last couple of days, I would love to be able to write each person individually but my energy is kind of low right now. Today at work, as I work in the hospital my husband passed away in, I was eating lunch in the cafeteria and one of John's specialists came up to ask me how he was doing. He didn't know about his passing as the family doctors don't really share. Of course he asked me what happened and that was very hard. He was very compassionate and we had a good talk but it isn't easy. Yesterday I saw his hospice doctor and that was hard too. Then when I came home I had an argument with my daughter over some boots I had worn (she is extremely emotional as she is expecting) and then all the tax and the government pension stuff came in John's name, never mind all the mail that arrives addressed to us both. I am also frantically looking for some important papers I can't find at the moment. As so many of you write, it is 2 steps forward and one giant step backward.

As for friends and family they are great, and they have no expectations of when grief should 'end' because the reality is it never will, until we are reunited. We may be able to handle it a little better as time goes on, tuck it away in our hearts, our special place for our love and memories, but it is pretty selfish and ignorant of people to think one should be 'over it'. Part of the reality of life is that 'time stands still for no man' and no matter what, people always disperse and get on with their own lives, feeling "well it is time". This is why we need to find people who we can be with in a grace state of compassion and love. God will do his best to lead us in that direction if we let him.

I am so grateful for this site and I sincerely hope that everyone finds some peace in their lives. God Bless.

Permalink Reply by Elyse Plude on February 26, 2011 at 4:36pm

Hi Kim! Thank you for sharing. It stinks that we have to go through this. I am grateful that my husband took "care" of us. It's all he ever talked about is giving me and my son a good future and he did that. Even in death. I'm starting to struggle a bit too wondering how I'm going to provide for me and my son. My husband may have left us money, but considering I don't work, and never really have, it doesn't go too far. Especially since I loaned out a good quarter of it. I'm so sorry you're struggling too. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to have to worry about all of that. Do you have family? Anyone that is helping you out? I kind of feel I'm on my own now. In maybe the first month people were great, but then they move on, and I'm still stuck on that first day when I found out. It's horrible. I've never felt so alone in my life. I do not see myself ever able to even remotely get better. It is so overwhelming. And people just don't understand. I'm trying so hard for my son, but it is so hard. I feel like I've let him and my husband both down. I really don't think that I can make it through this. Nor do I want to.

Kim said:

Elyse,

I ask myself that question everyday...How do I go on, and everyday I wake up and am forced to put one foot in front of the other and keep going even though some days I truely want to give up. I don't care what anyone thinks about how long I am suppose to grieve. Especially someone who has never experienced the loss of a spouse. Do people really think we like to feel this way? Do they think it is our choice? I try so hard, I really do, but everytime I take a step forward it seems like I am pulled back a giant leap. You were fortunate to have a life insurance policy from your husband. My husband didn't have one and financially I am struggling. I will most likely lose my home in the next couple of months because I can no longer afford the payments. They say everything happens for a reason and I am not sure I believe that or not, but am hoping something good will eventually happen for me. It was very kind of you to lend your family money but very sad they have not made any effort to pay you back. I hope they do soon.

Permalink Reply by Christy on February 26, 2011 at 7:56pm

Carl,

I see you have sent a copy of your book's plug to yet another grieving widow. Perhaps you sincerly think that we are not capable of seeking out publications like yours on our own. Let me assure you that this grief support group is just that and it should not be considered furtile grounds for salespersons of any type to enter in to solicit their wares. I will notify our support group administrator that people (you) are no longer respecting this site's purpose.

Carl Mathis said:

Hey Elyse, i would like to shear an article with you which i think will help you.

A Sudden Truth: Living After the Death of Your Spouse

Losing a spouse is perhaps one of the most emotionally grueling experiences an adult can go through in their lifetime. The deafening emptiness of your home without your partner, the realization of dependency on your spouse, and the loss of everything that you once shared with – companionship, a friend, a person to turn to for advice - these are hard pills to swallow. For women, especially mothers, this is an unbelievably difficult change in their lives. Being suddenly left to raise the children alone and having to be the sole breadwinner for her now incomplete family is a hurdle many cannot fathom.

However, as you grieve, realize that this time in your life will not be forever. Things can be done to improve your life and to move you forward out of your grief. Allow yourself time to grieve and mourn the loss of your loved one, but once the tears start to become less, acknowledge the fact that it is time to move forward. According to “Life is What You Make It – seven steps to moving forward”, a book by Carl Mathis, this devastating tragedy can be the key and gateway to rebuilding an entirely new life, though it may not seem like so in the beginning. The power of positive thinking can do wonders in helping you to get out of your hole and can push you forward to begin your brand new life alone. Here are some ways to get you off the ground:

Understand that the pain will not easily go away. Do not be frustrated or fall into a deeper depression if you feel as if your grief is taking a long time. The loss of a spouse is a heavy burden and it will take time before you start to feel normal again. Think positively and know that this time will pass as well and eventually, you will feel better about life.

Acknowledge the power of choice. Do not feel guilty about realizing that you want to begin your new life. This means your time of grief is over. Think of the good things to come.

Do not think that you are forgetting your spouse. Just because your pain is slowly fading and you are starting to feel better, it doesn’t mean you are forgetting your spouse. Believe that they would have wanted you to be happy and fulfilled even when they are gone.

Channel your love and affection in other ways. Think positively and realize that you still have a lot of love to give. If you are looking for someone to care for, focus more attention on the children, or get a pet to take you through those solitary rough moments. Pets are great joy bringers, delivering comfort and happiness with just their mere presence. Not only that, believe that you can still find love, and that this is not the end of life for you as we know it.

Realize that death is just the beginning. Death is inevitable and by thinking positively, you’ll see what the good side of death is. It isn’t the end of life, but a mere beginning.

Employ some positive thinking to help get your through your situation. See the brighter side of things and not just what’s depressing and heartbreaking. There’s always a flipside and that is what you must realize.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on February 26, 2011 at 8:08pm

Christy, good for you this is not the place for that,thanks Hugs

Permalink Reply by Carl Mathis on February 26, 2011 at 8:12pm

Sorry i will remove

Christy said:

Carl,

I see you have sent a copy of your book's plug to yet another grieving widow. Perhaps you sincerly think that we are not capable of seeking out publications like yours on our own. Let me assure you that this grief support group is just that and it should not be considered furtile grounds for salespersons of any type to enter in to solicit their wares. I will notify our support group administrator that people (you) are no longer respecting this site's purpose.

Carl Mathis said:

Hey Elyse, i would like to shear an article with you which i think will help you.

A Sudden Truth: Living After the Death of Your Spouse

Losing a spouse is perhaps one of the most emotionally grueling experiences an adult can go through in their lifetime. The deafening emptiness of your home without your partner, the realization of dependency on your spouse, and the loss of everything that you once shared with – companionship, a friend, a person to turn to for advice - these are hard pills to swallow. For women, especially mothers, this is an unbelievably difficult change in their lives. Being suddenly left to raise the children alone and having to be the sole breadwinner for her now incomplete family is a hurdle many cannot fathom.

However, as you grieve, realize that this time in your life will not be forever. Things can be done to improve your life and to move you forward out of your grief. Allow yourself time to grieve and mourn the loss of your loved one, but once the tears start to become less, acknowledge the fact that it is time to move forward. According to “Life is What You Make It – seven steps to moving forward”, a book by Carl Mathis, this devastating tragedy can be the key and gateway to rebuilding an entirely new life, though it may not seem like so in the beginning. The power of positive thinking can do wonders in helping you to get out of your hole and can push you forward to begin your brand new life alone. Here are some ways to get you off the ground:

Understand that the pain will not easily go away. Do not be frustrated or fall into a deeper depression if you feel as if your grief is taking a long time. The loss of a spouse is a heavy burden and it will take time before you start to feel normal again. Think positively and know that this time will pass as well and eventually, you will feel better about life.

Acknowledge the power of choice. Do not feel guilty about realizing that you want to begin your new life. This means your time of grief is over. Think of the good things to come.

Do not think that you are forgetting your spouse. Just because your pain is slowly fading and you are starting to feel better, it doesn’t mean you are forgetting your spouse. Believe that they would have wanted you to be happy and fulfilled even when they are gone.

Channel your love and affection in other ways. Think positively and realize that you still have a lot of love to give. If you are looking for someone to care for, focus more attention on the children, or get a pet to take you through those solitary rough moments. Pets are great joy bringers, delivering comfort and happiness with just their mere presence. Not only that, believe that you can still find love, and that this is not the end of life for you as we know it.

Realize that death is just the beginning. Death is inevitable and by thinking positively, you’ll see what the good side of death is. It isn’t the end of life, but a mere beginning.

Employ some positive thinking to help get your through your situation. See the brighter side of things and not just what’s depressing and heartbreaking. There’s always a flipside and that is what you must realize.

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on February 27, 2011 at 2:51am

Carl,

You are to NO LONGER post in MY group. I own this group and if I get any more messages from my members stating that you are using my group to try and sell your book, I WILL have you banned from Legacy.com. We are one of the largest and most active groups on this site so our voice WILL be heard. Do not even reply to this post. Just leave and never come back.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on February 27, 2011 at 6:26am

Thank you Steve,and again thank you for this site it is wonderfull and very comforting. Hugs

Steve Cain said:

Carl,

You are to NO LONGER post in MY group. I own this group and if I get any more messages from my members stating that you are using my group to try and sell your book, I WILL have you banned from Legacy.com. We are one of the largest and most active groups on this site so our voice WILL be heard. Do not even reply to this post. Just leave and never come back.

Permalink Reply by Elyse Plude on February 27, 2011 at 10:10am

Steve and members,

I'm very sorry that I caused so much trouble with my discussion here. I did not mean for anything bad to come of it. I was not aware of the situation and am very sorry. I hope no one here holds anything against me? I am just trying the best I can to get my voice heard as well. My deepest apologies!

Elyse

Steve Cain said:

Carl,

You are to NO LONGER post in MY group. I own this group and if I get any more messages from my members stating that you are using my group to try and sell your book, I WILL have you banned from Legacy.com. We are one of the largest and most active groups on this site so our voice WILL be heard. Do not even reply to this post. Just leave and never come back.

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on February 27, 2011 at 4:10pm

Elyse,

You did nothing wrong. This guy tried to come in thinking he could make a fast buck off everyone here. It is entirely on him and as you can see I took care of it.