I met the love of my life on feb. 26,2000 which was also her birthday, so every yr she would say i dont have bdays anymore i have anniversarys. I lost her on march 4, one wk after our 12 yr. anniversary. I dont know how anyone can deal with the loss, cause i cant. It was unexpected, cardiac arrest at 44 yrs. old and accute respiratory distress. She was fine that morning, 2 hrs. later she took an antibiotic and almost immediately said I feel like i did the other day, didnt know the other day she felt bad. She was in bathroom I thought getting sick due to the antibiotic when i guess she was in pain. when i opened the door i found her passed out, eyes open, called 911 who told me how to do compressions, did i do them right? probably not, why didnt i check on her sooner?  they said in ambulance it didnt look good. got to hospital they managed to "save" her if thats what you want to call it, without knowing how long she had been without oxygen they didnt know extent of damage. She was on a ventilator and so many bags and machines they were running out of outlets and hooks. mri showed not a stroke and her heart was good, everything was good, dr. said it just lost some of its energy at the moment to keep going. 911 asked if i had a defibillator, how i wish i had. after testing they said if she came out of it her life would be only 40% in 12 yrs. she always said do not keep me alive by machines. In the end of course it was up to her family who decided to take her off the ventilator with a chance she would breathe on her own, she did for aobut 3 hrs. when she passed someone said she opened her eyes, i didnt see it, guess i was looking at machines not sure, i regret that i was not looking at her the whole time, i regret that we were in such a bad spot we were living in a 24 ft. camper and that she smoked and starting drinking way too much. I regret that for the past 9 months we had it so rough that i was arguing with her constantly, i regret telling her i hated her cause i never did. you really dont realize what you lost till you lose it. I just dont know how to deal with it, yesterday it was one month and today feels worst than yesterday did. I get these feelings and all i want to do is be with her. i have no energy to go on, no sleep. if anyone has advice i would greatly appreciate it as half the time, i'm a zombie the other half i'm crying. i dont know what to do, theres also times i've actually blamed her for leaving me.