I lost the finest man I have ever known on July 15, 2015.  He battled bile duct cancer with courage and grace, but lost his battle, quietly, surrounded by myself and my two children, at home.  We took care of him in his final days and I am so glad we were able to give him that gift. 

Now, as I look around my house, I cannot believe that everything he loved, everything he took care of, including me, are just left here to struggle without him.  He was strong and kind and loved taking care of his family and his home.  

I am so lost.  I have wonderful children, who do everything they can to make me feel better and sometimes they succeed.  But you see, Tom and I were just so happy.  We loved to be together.  I never had a need for a girls weekend or even a girls night.  I wanted to be with him and he wanted to be with me.  His last words were "I want to see my wife."  

How am I going to live the rest of these long days without the love of my life?

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I have said for the past month - I would love to have him here to take care of,  My children and friends then remind me that he was in such pain and that would not be fair.  But to just hold his hand...... 

Yes, I am back to work because I own my own business.   It worked out for me because I was able to work from home and care for him every day (with help from children and freinds).   But now I am back in my office and work is keeping my mind busy.  It really really helps to work - you will see.  But he is everywhere.  I miss him so.  

I have moments of strength and I guess I attribute them to him being by my side - I just wish I knew that for sure - but I know no one does. 

Have you dreamed of him?

I said that exact thing to my oldest daughter last week. I said how selfish does it sound that I just wish he was here even sick so I could see him take care of him. I know he is free of pain now and that was perhaps the hardest thing to witness, the pain, loss of pride and dignity toward the end, he never wanted me to see that. He was such a strong proud kind man, with a heart of gold and a friend to everyone. That is one of the hard parts is that I can rarely go anywhere where someone did no know him.i go out very little right now because of that so I don't " run into" anyone. I know that's strange and I will get over it, but now it is hard to keep talking about it. We speak of him all the time how he would laugh at this of would have loved that and all that helps me so much, but talking about the death is still just too much for me. I have only had one very small short dream of him, perhaps that is because I still don't sleep much yet, but I am also a little afraid of that, what will I see, will it be that he is happy or scared???

Jeannie - we could be talking about the same man, the same feelings, the same life.  My Tom was strong, proud and kind.   He was a friend to everyone and lived to help people.  I, too, stay in alot, and thankfully, I get visitors all the time.  

My dream was EXTREMELY comforting.  He came to me and told me over and over again "I'm alive."  I woke up chanting it.  It was the first morning I did not cry as soon as my eyes opened.   Then a couple of nights later I dreamed I was talking to him while he was driving our car (without the help of a cell phone lol) and I said "you left without me" and he said "I will be back to get you."  Also comforting.  Don't be afraid to dream.  

I guess we both need to be thankful that we had such wonderful men in our lives to start with.  Most people never experience what we did.  That's what I keep telling myself.  

Amen to that. Friends and Family have told me how blessed I was to have experienced that and I know that. We are both very lucky girls to have had such great men in our lives. Hoping you have a peaceful and relaxed weekend

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