I am still here.

The day after my birthday on August 12, 1972 my husband and I were wed by the Justice of the Peace when his sister and her husband were witnesses. They were the only ones there as I was a very young 19 and there was no celebration, no reception, in fact I was so young and naive I didn't even care that there was no big to do. It was just a simple formality but it was a very special day ingrained in my memory for us to say to each other that we love each other. It would have been 38 years today but I guess that wasn't meant to be. We were together for 39 years because we met on September 11, 1970. We were able to have our marriage blessed by the Sacrament of Matrimony on November 1, 1974 at which time the witnesses were Dan's parents and one of his other sisters. I don't wish to be reminded of any of these events especially the day I was born because he is not able to say those horrible words, that awful phrase with the initials H.B. I hope you get my meaning because yesterday was the first day in 39 years that I didn't hear those words from Danny's own lips. I would rather not hear those words for as long as I live because it is just a day, the day I was born, that's all. I don't mean to sound cold or unfeeling. I don't tell my loved ones this because they wouldn't understand I just say thank you and leave it at that. But I think that all of you here understand how I feel. Danny has ceased to exist and nothing means anything to me any more. There will be other days that have a meaning only to me that will be extremely difficult and if you don't hear from me, I just wanted to let you know that I am still here, still reading, still lurking, but in a deep depression because all I would really like is an embrace that I can no longer feel from Danny. He is no longer with me and as I type I weep because I truly feel .... no wait I know for a fact that my life is over. God has a purpose for me. But I still am empty, saddened, disillusioned, disheartened and lonely without him. I am merely existing. I just breathe, but I would rather not. I feel so sad for all of you here that are struggling, and are in the same pain as I. I know how all those feel who have lossed their loved one be it a spouse, a child, a sibling, a relative or a very good friend. I will be going out soon to attend a grief meeting so I just thought I'd let you all know I remember you in my prayers each day. I am so sorry and sad that you must go through this too. I wouldn't wish this unbearable ache in my heart for my worst enemy, but I am especially sad that all you who are so caring are not deserving of this fate, this sorrow is intolerable and I have come to think of what I have called T.E.D. for short which stands for Terminal Emotional Disorder. It's just what I must live with until the day I pass.

God bless each and every one of you.

Suzanne

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Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on August 12, 2010 at 12:50pm

Suzanne, hang in there girl. We are all with you. I like the T.E.D. I too share that life we now have. Hugs to you.Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on August 12, 2010 at 12:51pm

kathy o., Hugs to you.Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on August 12, 2010 at 6:40pm

suzanne,
i can relate to so much of how you are feeling because i feel that way too. i havent been posting as much lately because i worry about bringing others down. i really hope your grief group is helping you. the one i have been going to, only meets once a month. i sure wish i could find one that meets more often. i can tell by reading everyones postings that some of us are having a much more difficult time, and it is those that i can relate the best with.i too, would like to extend you a happy belated birthday.i havent been through the first birthday yet but i will in november.i have experience the first wedding anniversary on july the 17th, and thank GOD a friend of mine invited me to go visit her grandson. it was very difficult but i made myself go with her just knowing that i needed to be around people. i spend alot of time by myself as it is.i am like you, i wouldnt wish this horrible nightmare on my worst enemy. i too, feel so sorry for everyone on this site, especially those who are having a much harder time.i want you to know i am thinking and praying for you, and i am here for you anytime you want to write to me or i would be glad to give you my number if you would like it.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on August 12, 2010 at 7:15pm

Hi Suzanne, I know you are depressed like all the rest of us and I thank you for your kind words,I think you spoke for all of us here,I find it to hard to get on here and express my heartache.I'm glad you can and most of if not all of what you write is like a page out of my book, so thank you and god bless and hugs

Permalink Reply by Connie on August 12, 2010 at 11:20pm

Suzanne, Firstly let me say that I am glad to see that you have posted again. Secondly, I must tell you that our life stories are very similar. Phil and I were married by a judge in Rock Hill, South Carolina on October 15, 1963. I was only 18 at the time. We had our marriage blessed by the R.C. church on October 26, 1963. There was no wedding party, no reception and it didn't matter to us. All that I needed in my life was my husband. We had a happy marriage. Two years later our first child was born and three years after that our second was born and 20 years after that we adopted our third child. We were together through everything, the bad times and the good times. Still, all I needed in my life was my husband. Here I am 46 (almost 47) years later and he is gone from me. I still love him very much and I still need him very much. I need to hear his voice, touch his hand, be by his side. My life is over. When he passed, I did too. I need to go through the motions of life because I can't do anything about it but I am not living but just existing. I have great kids but it is not the same as having my husband. I can't let my children know just how I feel because they would be so very upset. Life is just a charade. You go on doing the things that you must do only because you must do them and not because you care whether they get done or when they get done. I have stayed on this site because I do benefit from hearing the stories of others and how they are handling or not handling things. I need someone because I cannot go through this alone. Since I can't tell my children, I need to depend on the wonderful people on this site that are going through the very same thing. They understand. They do care. I need to be careful what I say on Facebook because the kids are all on Facebook and can read what I post. I can't let them know. I don't believe that any of us are deserving of this fate but this is what God has planned for us. What he wants us to do yet, I don't know. I am sure that he has a plan and when we fulfill his plan, he will take us to be with our loved ones. In the meantime, Suzanne, we need to go with the flow and make believe that we are coping with our sorrow. Suzanne, I am not going to wish you a Happy Birthday because I know that you did not have one. I am just hoping that you got through the day with as little pain as possible. I think that your term T.E.D. is very fitting for so many of us here. Some of us will pick up the pieces and go on and make a life for themselves and their children. Some of us will just continue to exist until God takes pity on us and reunited us with our husbands/wives.

Suzanne, I understand where you are coming from and please, if it is any comfort at all, know that there are others of us who are in the same situation. I am glad that you have posted because I have been worried about you and didn't want to bother you.

May God Bless you and I will keep you in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by judy on August 13, 2010 at 1:27am

Suzanne: Understand, my birthday and anniversary were June 7th and June 8th. Loads of people I know wished me Happy Birthday on FB. I just kept thinking would they not realize it is the first birthday without my husband. We also married at 18 and 19 and had been married for 47 years. There is just no way it could be a happy birthday. My kids had more tact and my youngest daughter took off from work on our anniversary and spent the day with me. People could have said,"I am thinking of you"or "I hope you had a peaceful day" and I would have appreciated it but happy birthday when my husband hadn't even been gone five months was totally unfeeling to me.

Permalink Reply by david on August 13, 2010 at 10:49am

T.E.D. I have that too . you are lot alone . the question is will we quit trying to be happy and wait to die or will we fight and while knowing we can never win the battle try to at least stop sinking further downward
and waste the rest of our lives in self pitty . i am struggling to find a way to not quit . i need everyone's prayers and i will say a pray for everyone else just as soon as i hit the send botton on this message.

may we all find peace

david

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on August 13, 2010 at 2:50pm

Hi to all...David, that is a good question. Shall we quit. I quit. I have no way to be able to get back on any kind of track. With all of the variables, my life and world has stopped. There is no chance for me to have anything going, ever. Its simple. When LouAnn died, I died. Hugs for all.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on August 13, 2010 at 3:52pm

David,I'm asking my self that same question and as with you and I'm sure alot of others here what is the answer. Sometimes it's yes and the I don't want to go one seems to always finds its way back in the door and shuts out any hope of moving past this stage of our life, god bless

david said:

T.E.D. I have that too . you are lot alone . the question is will we quit trying to be happy and wait to die or will we fight and while knowing we can never win the battle try to at least stop sinking further downward
and waste the rest of our lives in self pitty . i am struggling to find a way to not quit . i need everyone's prayers and i will say a pray for everyone else just as soon as i hit the send botton on this message.

may we all find peace

david

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on August 13, 2010 at 5:12pm

i struggle everyday, not knowing what to do. should i quit trying or trudge on. i have had a few people tell me i should consider private counceling, because i seem to be getting worse after 5 and a half months instead of better. i dont know if that is normal or not. does anybody out their know?????

Permalink Reply by Virginia on August 13, 2010 at 6:28pm

well i guess i need a pro to i'm at 16 months and am still hanging in mid air emotionally

CINDY POWELL said:

i struggle everyday, not knowing what to do. should i quit trying or trudge on. i have had a few people tell me i should consider private counceling, because i seem to be getting worse after 5 and a half months instead of better. i dont know if that is normal or not. does anybody out their know?????

Permalink Reply by Christine on August 14, 2010 at 12:06am

Its been a year and a half... still waiting on this "time heals" crap to start...

Virginia said:

well i guess i need a pro to i'm at 16 months and am still hanging in mid air emotionally

CINDY POWELL said:
i struggle everyday, not knowing what to do. should i quit trying or trudge on. i have had a few people tell me i should consider private counceling, because i seem to be getting worse after 5 and a half months instead of better. i dont know if that is normal or not. does anybody out their know?????