i don't think i can make it through this

Hello. My name is Brian Brown.. I am only 33 and just lost my husband of only a little over 2 years on April 11.. He had HIV.. We were living in Jersey city to be closer to his mother.. We had done everything by our selves when others said we couldn't.. We came from nothing and created our life that was prefect to us.. He was and still is everything to me.. My soul mate... He started having pains in his left arm so we went to Jersey city medical center.. The did an MRI and said he has a stroke.. During the month that followed he got progressively weaker on his left side.. I had to bath him and what ever else he needed me to do.. Which I didn't mind because it is for better or worse... we then had to move to morris plains with my father because my brother who was living with him and helping him committed suicide... Within a couple days of moving here I had to bring him to morristown medical center because nothing was getting him stronger... At the hospital they did an MRI , spinal tap, brain biopsy and found he had PML in his brain from JC virus.. Not a stroke... He was there for about 3 weeks.. And got to the point where he wasn't able to eat and had to have a feeding tube.. Each week I had to watch my reason for living decline.. Hoping he might be able to come back from it.. All he kept saying was.. I want to go home.. I was so hopeful he would be coming home... But he was taken from me.. He was the most kindest, caring, innocent man you could ever find... We were meant for each other.. And now my entire world is gone.. I feel like I let him down... I held his hand during his passing.. Looking in his eyes a he was gasping for air... His heart stopped and came back 5 times.. He fought so hard.. I don't even remember driving to my dads house from the hospital after... I was with him every day in the hospital... I feel so lost and alone... Since January I lost my brother, my husband, and our home we struggled and fought for.. I just don't know where to go to from here.. He was everything to me

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Permalink Reply by Brian Brown on May 4, 2014 at 7:22pm

Also my Facebook is Brian Brown (BB) .. For any if you would like to use that instead

Permalink Reply by Rich on May 4, 2014 at 8:47pm

Brian. First my condolences to you. I know this is a miserable time. I lost my love 2.5 years ago, killed by some idiot on Rt. 80. Last December, I lost my younger brother at only age 40 also. I will tell you that these first few months in particular will be the toughest. You may find that people you thought were your close friends do not stay in touch at all. I think mostly because they are afraid, and most cant relate to the magnitude of what has happened to you. In time, and trust me it takes lots of time, it becomes manageable and you can feel OK if a smile slips out. But do it on your terms, not what others think you should be feeling. Anyway I am from the Morris county area, so if you want to talk sometime let me know. Rich

Permalink Reply by Brian Brown on May 4, 2014 at 8:58pm

Hello rich.. I'm right in morris plains... Just a you said.. No one knows the magnitude of what I an going through.. And I will never understand why this has happened to him and us... Especially when there is assholes out there that deserve things like this... We never bothered anyone... Only helped people when we could

Permalink Reply by Rich on May 28, 2014 at 7:37pm

Brian,

I just wanted to say I hope you are managing. It is very hard, but know that you can slowly make it through.

Rich

Brian Brown said:

Hello rich.. I'm right in morris plains... Just a you said.. No one knows the magnitude of what I an going through.. And I will never understand why this has happened to him and us... Especially when there is assholes out there that deserve things like this... We never bothered anyone... Only helped people when we could

Permalink Reply by Shane Clements on July 18, 2016 at 11:10pm