I feel numb

My big brother Paul's death is so hard. Why did he have to kill himself on December 12th. I feel numb inside, the pain is so great and I feel like this is all a bad dream and wish I would wake up from it. But it is not and he is gone. The hardest thing is there was no note left and no reason why he did it. He was going to be a grandpa in June his first. He make no sense at all. Our mom had breast cancer surgery in Sept. and now she lost her son. Why? I feel angry at him for putting her through this. I feel guilty for being angry at him. I also miss him so much. I wish I would have spend more time with him. This Christmas was my first Christmas back after two years living in Calgary. I was so looking forward to being with my brothers. I feel so numb and it is hard to breath sometimes.

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Permalink Reply by Theresa Sweaney on December 30, 2012 at 8:22pm

Dear Sharon, I'm so very sorry for your loss. You're right, it doesn't make sense. My son is gone now 19 mos, and what I have come to understand is that his unspoken pain was so great, coupled with his undiagnosed mental health disorder (often unrecognized in men) and many other factors of which we had no control or even awareness of, these are some of the risk factors that caused our loved ones to die. Anymore, I don't even consider it a choice they make. Choice is a rational process, and I don't really think most suicides are rational choices. Their illness is what killed them is how I have come to view it.

It is a long, hard road to recover from a death like this, but having a base understanding of what went into their "choice"--their "decision" making--helps process it a little easier. At least it did me, with not holding my son, or myself, nearly as responsible for his death as I did in the beginning. It was terrible how I used to beat myself up over his death. I knew that was counter-productive, but I nevertheless had the hardest time letting myself off the hook. Please understand that it was his illness that killed him. Our loved ones would not have chosen to hurt us like this under normal circumstances. A majority of suicides (as high as ~90%) result from some form of brain disorder.

Loving thoughts and prayers go out to you, and to your family and all who loved your brother Paul.

Permalink Reply by Robin Mayer on December 30, 2012 at 10:59pm