I HATE this journey...

Hi everyone, I'm new on this site. Next Sunday will be 1 year since my husband died. He was diagnosed with leukemia and sent to the hospital to start chemo that very day. Exactly 4 weeks later he was gone. We were married for 31 years. I can't believe it's almost a year; it seems as if he just died.... I'm doing better than I was, but with this 1 year point coming, I am not doing well at all. Like I had read from someone, people just don't get it unless they have walked in our shoes. I hate the "new" me. I hate being a "widow". The loneliness is unbearable. I have a daughter whom I am very close to, but she has her husband and 3 children to keep her comforted. (which I am so happy that she has). I miss the chit chat and even the bickering that all couples have. I miss the touch of him. I know that there isn't any timeline for grieving, but I always wonder when or if I will ever feel human again. This is a journey too many of us are taking and it sucks. I just had to get these things off my chest. Thank you, who ever reads this, for taking the time to do so......

Recommend

0 members like this

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by janeo on April 3, 2012 at 9:06am

It's been 28 month on April 8th and still grieving. It's a lot of work to be able to go on without him. We been together for 30years so its was us and now its me. and that's hard to do But some way or another we do get threw the day. It's ok to have bad days. So god bless you and may he gives you some peace. We're here for you so say what you feel we all been threw it so we all understand.

Permalink Reply by CAROL COONS on April 3, 2012 at 10:48pm

Thanks for replying to my post, Jane. It's very comforting to hear from others who are going through the same thing. Living in NY also, I have been watching " Long Island Medium". Have you seen the show yet?? I was never a believer in the hereafter until after Kenny died. After watching this show I have no doubt at all. I have felt his presence and even heard him. I think this is whats kept me half sane while I grieve, knowing he is still with me, although in a complete different way. Wishing you better tomorrows.....

Permalink Reply by CAROL COONS on April 3, 2012 at 11:11pm

Shannon,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. It really is heartwarming to have so much feedback from so many here. I think we can all help each other,as we are all in the same (sinking) boat. I've been seeing a psychologist AND taking antidepressants for months now, just to get from one day to the next. I'm sure people who don't know me think all is fine with me. I'm 100% functional, although I was forced to retire due to the attitude of the people I worked with. When I needed comfort, they were there for about 1 day, then were so put out when I would start to cry. I couldn't handle them on top of my loss, so I decided to retire. Financially this was not a wise move, but having saved over the years at least I have some money to live on. Emotionally, it was the best move I ever made. Since this decision I've heard from a total of 2 of my co-workers. You really find out who your friends are. All my inlaws have disassociated themselves from my daughter and I, but that is a very good thing. They were so distant from my husband when he was alive, then couldn't understand why he decided not to tell anyone when he was sick and in the hospital. They all found out AFTER he died, which pissed them off. Oh well, it was his decision and I just went along with it and I'm so glad I did. They have been thorns in our side for many years...

Well, I seem to be babbling,so I'll end for now. Thanks for all your kind words and I wish you a better tomorrow.....

Permalink Reply by CAROL COONS on April 3, 2012 at 11:26pm

Deb,

That is all so awful and I send you comfort and hugs. Thanks for sharing with me.

debra l. johnson said:

Thank You Carol! I Wasnt alway's like this! My First Late Husband had a Lot of health problem's But I was the only one working for year's, so I was carring the Ins. & Then I called him one day @ lunch & he told me he had a really bad headache! So I just told him to darken the bedroom & I call the dr. got a appt. came home picked him up, took him to the Dr. he ask Joe if this was the worst headache he had ever had & it was so they told me to take him to the hospital! & I Had to take him to 2 & They did a cat scan & came out a told me that The Cancer had spread to his brain!We have 3 daughter's and he got to walk our middle daughter the Isle! He had no hair & was very very pale But he was as Beatiful as our Daughter ! and our youngest daughter, help the most to take care of her dad! So he lived for 9 month's & i had to work up to the last 3-4 week's of his life! It was Awful! Cancer is a gastly way to die! And The Chemo & other Medicine was awful, @ one point he thought I was trying to posion him! & Wouldn't eat or drink anything I touched! Someone else has to taste it first! It Broke My Heart! our youngest was 15 @ the time! & A Big Daddy's Girl! She was awesome taking care of her dad! And The day he died our middle daughter found our she was pregant with her first child! I cant go on anymore tonight! & That was Just about Joe My first Late husband! Thank You For letting me get this off my chest! Hug's & Prayer's ...... Till The Next Time!......Debbie

Permalink Reply by janeo on April 4, 2012 at 5:26am

CAROL COONS said:

Thanks for replying to my post, Jane. It's very comforting to hear from others who are going through the same thing. Living in NY also, I have been watching " Long Island Medium". Have you seen the show yet?? I was never a believer in the hereafter until after Kenny died. After watching this show I have no doubt at all. I have felt his presence and even heard him. I think this is whats kept me half sane while I grieve, knowing he is still with me, although in a complete different way. Wishing you better tomorrows.....

Permalink Reply by janeo on April 4, 2012 at 5:35am

I never watched the show but I did go to the show John Edwards and now I'm going to see syliva Brown July 1st, I'm hoping she can answer my question, but I'm not sure which to ask cause there all important to me. I will watch the show maybe I'll feel better. Wishing you a better day and remember I here for you just to listen or what's ever in your heart kit mind. Your new friend

Jane Favara said:

CAROL COONS said:
Thanks for replying to my post, Jane. It's very comforting to hear from others who are going through the same thing. Living in NY also, I have been watching " Long Island Medium". Have you seen the show yet?? I was never a believer in the hereafter until after Kenny died. After watching this show I have no doubt at all. I have felt his presence and even heard him. I think this is whats kept me half sane while I grieve, knowing he is still with me, although in a complete different way. Wishing you better tomorrows.....

Permalink Reply by CAROL COONS on April 4, 2012 at 11:02am

Thanks for being my new friend. We can take our journey together and please feel free to vent to me as well.... Here's to a good day for you....

Permalink Reply by Julie Stearns on April 4, 2012 at 8:32pm

What part of NY are you ladies from, I am around the buffalo area.

Permalink Reply by CAROL COONS on April 4, 2012 at 8:35pm

I'm from the Albany area, although I grew up on Long Island....

Permalink Reply by janeo on April 5, 2012 at 5:27am

Where in Long Island that's where I live. Have a blessed and peaceful day.

Permalink Reply by CAROL COONS on April 5, 2012 at 8:27pm

I lived in Levittown... Hoping your days are getting better.....

Permalink Reply by Melinda Ellen Guinn on July 20, 2012 at 9:09pm

I wish I never had the credintials to be able to belong here. i lost my only child, Candace Rae Watson, at age 30. Daughter, wife, mother and friend to many . Also, Granddaughter, mother-in-law, co-worker.