Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Nancey on September 26, 2010 at 1:01pm

Things are going better for me. I'm trying to look ahead and not dwell on what can't be. I know Dale would want me to grieve, but reach a point where I went on with my life because he can't share it with me like before.

I talk to him out loud at times during the day. Telling him things I would if he were still here with me.

The worst is still coming home to an empty house close to dark or when it's dark.

I find when I get out it feels good, but I can only be gone for so long before I want to go home again and be inside the walls. I haven't tried going to places we used to go together, when I tried it the last time it hurt too much, too many memories.

And I remember once when he asked me if I would find someone else if he didn't make it and I shook my head and said "I doubt it." He looked at me for a long moment and just said "I want you to be happy" and that was all.

I look at it as his gift of love to me.

Permalink Reply by Audrey on September 26, 2010 at 5:23pm

So glad you're feeling better today. Also glad you have a gift from him that might make moving on with your life a little easier. Good to know he'd want you happy.

Permalink Reply by Linda O'Connor on September 26, 2010 at 6:32pm

Nanacey, reading all this, I see the messages have helped you. Just remember that, we are all here for you, no matter the time, we all have gone thru what you have just recently. My Kevin will be gone 2 yrs on 10/29. I was a mess for a long time, especially since I lost my job 3 mos later, but finally got another one 4 mos later. At 62 I will probably have to work into my 70's to pay off everything. The time has made it better for me (as it will for you & others who recently lost their spouse). You will always hurt & miss them, but you will remember the good times & great memories you made together & yes, as someone else said, smile when you see their picture (as I do every morning/have one on a shelf in bathroom). You also have to remember that he would want you to take care of yourself & go on the best you can. Yes, it will get better, just not what we ever wanted. Love & prayers to you.

Permalink Reply by Brenda Hostetter on October 1, 2010 at 9:59am

Nancey - your story is so similar to mine. I lost my husband on 8/10/10. He had also fought lung cancer for 16 months. He also wanted to be one of the few who survived. He never expected to die yet. But he could not take any more chemo and he went downhill fast. He also has a daughter he did not want to leave. I also found him late in life, I was 40 and I'm now 52. He is the only man I ever loved and we had so many plans for the future. I know exactly how you feel. It really sucks being the one left. I did go back to work after 2 weeks and it did help me. It was hard at first to go home knowing he was not there but you just go on. It really does get a little easier as time goes on but I miss him so much. But I have gotten to the point where I can look at his picture and smile and remember all our good times. At first, all I could remember was seeing him die. I just take one day at a time but it is so hard. I try not to think much about the future right now - I'm just surviving.

I am so sorry for your loss and truly understand what you are going through.

Permalink Reply by Nancey on October 11, 2010 at 8:31pm

I do apologize Brenda, I thought I had answered your comments a long time ago.

Yes it does seem our stories are similar. I have good and bad days. My good days are ones where I don't break down crying. My bad days are crying and crying. Today is one of my bad days. I feel so alone today.

And I find myself angry. Not at Dale, but at life and the hand I was dealt. Does anyone else have or had feelings like that? I'm mad and I feel cheated.

I don't know how I'm doing really. It scares me to think I will be in this much pain a year from now. I don't come here every day. Sometimes it hurts too much to read about everyone's pain.



Brenda Hostetter said:

Nancey - your story is so similar to mine. I lost my husband on 8/10/10. He had also fought lung cancer for 16 months. He also wanted to be one of the few who survived. He never expected to die yet. But he could not take any more chemo and he went downhill fast. He also has a daughter he did not want to leave. I also found him late in life, I was 40 and I'm now 52. He is the only man I ever loved and we had so many plans for the future. I know exactly how you feel. It really sucks being the one left. I did go back to work after 2 weeks and it did help me. It was hard at first to go home knowing he was not there but you just go on. It really does get a little easier as time goes on but I miss him so much. But I have gotten to the point where I can look at his picture and smile and remember all our good times. At first, all I could remember was seeing him die. I just take one day at a time but it is so hard. I try not to think much about the future right now - I'm just surviving.

I am so sorry for your loss and truly understand what you are going through.

Permalink Reply by Nancey on December 5, 2010 at 5:14pm

Today is 3 months ago my love left me. I've been crying most of the day. I didn't know why today was so hard for me until I looked at the date and then I knew.

I found two 3 minute videos of him at his brother's birthday party a little over a year ago. I just wanted to see him and remember him walking and talking and laughing and being more than just the "moment in time" pictures I have left sitting on the table by my chair....or the memories in my head.

I felt pain and happiness at the same time watching them and I watched every expression on his face. I could see him getting out of the chair by myself, eating cake and laughing. It made me realize I had been remembering too much of the last months of his life when I thought of him or had memories of times together.

Maybe someone can tell me, someone who has had more time to grieve, if there comes a time when his last hours or moments aren't the ones that come to mind more often than anything else.

It's just been a bad day and the holidays coming up I'm dreading. I just can't feel inside and can't find any joy in anything.

I drive home in the dark and think halfway there that there's no one there waiting for me, nothing but a dark house which isn't our home to me anymore.

I miss him so much and can't look too far ahead. I just wonder if it will ever not hurt so much. I envy those who have felt their loved ones presence around. I've never felt that and I wish I could. Wish he would let me know he's ok and let me know I will be too. I just feel so alone.

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on December 5, 2010 at 10:18pm

Yes, Nancey, there does come times when you will be able to remember the happy times instead of the last moments. They will make you sad and they will make you feel good. You will yo yo back and forth but you will be healing. My dear Bill passed 9 months ago and he loved the holidays so much. I am looking back at last years Christmas pictures and the happy smiles and fun times and I can now cry some happy tears. Bill loved life and enjoyed it til he couldn't handle the pain anymore and asked for "rest". I've also wondered why Bill doesn't come to me as I've heard others say and the strange thing is that just this month my 21 year old grandson who is now living with me says he feels grandpa everywhere in my house. He "knows" grandpa is right here with us. It cheers me to hear my family "share" memories. Take care of yourself. The bad days will smooth out. Lots of hugs

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on December 6, 2010 at 7:52am

Dear Nancey,

I want to say how so sorry I am for your loss. Your decision to join this site is a good one -- we are all on the same path -- the path of grieving the loss of the love of our life. Stay with us and you will get through even the toughest of times! And you will be amazed at how helpful you and your words of wisdom and experience will be for the next "new" member.
My dear Douglas died July 2009 -- he had just turned 62. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease at the age of 38 -- and he fought the good fight. We were together 32 years and when he died I lost my best friend, soul mate, spouse and HERO. He endured a lot more than I think I could have. The last year of his life I had to place him in a long-term care facility because he was to the point of requiring 24/7 care. At 7:00 AM on July 1, 2009 I got "the call" from the facility that he was ambulanced to the emergency room. I left work and rushed to his side. Douglas had just completed a round of antibiotics for pneumonia -- something he was always having to battle the last 2 years of his illness. Evidently his respiration was critical. Douglas denied invasive treatment (draining his lungs) because he said to me, "I am so tired, Brigitte. Please don't let them do that to me." It is intrusive and painful. He had endured more than necessary as it was. We were done -- I took him home under Hospice and took care of him for the last 17 days of his life. I fed him, bathed him, read to him, sat and watched him sleep while holding his hand and reliving the wonderful memories we had made, and best of all, LOVED him! He died peacefully. His pain was over and mine began. Douglas was a loving spirit and this planet is a better place because he was a part of it. He was a talented musician and the world will never know his music again. I miss hearing him practice (over and over again), and I miss his musician friends coming over to "jam" or record. They keep in touch, but as you will discover, while our "normal" stopped on the day of our loved ones death, the rest of the world continued on as normal. Another gift that comes with the grief! Douglas called me every morning to tell me to have a good day and that he would see me that evening. I miss those calls, his voice, HIM. I still cry but not as often or for as long. My heart is broken but in time will heal (with a chunck missing, I might add). Some advice I can give: Eliminate the word “should” from your vocabulary. There is no reason why you “should” stop grieving at a certain point, even though some people expect you to. And there’s no reason why you “should” expect your life to go back to normal when deep down you know it won’t. Your sense of normal has changed and the way you and the rest of us make decisions now has completely changed. I can say that I am a different person today than I was on July 16, 2009. And I feel that the changes are good. I have discovered that I am more sympathetic to others (Douglas was a very kind soul) and I believe that I have a much better understanding of what other people are going through. I am less likely to pass judgment on others and I attribute that to the way I have been scrutinized since his death. Everyone we know will go through this tragedy at some point in their life. And we will be there to help them.
I know I have babbled -- but know that you are in a safe place with us, Nancey. We feel what you feel, we understand your emotions (from hurt to anger), and none of us will judge you. We will hold you and keep you in our thoughts and prayers. May you find the peace of knowing Dale is watching over you, he is flitting about with his new wings (and Douglas will be there to "advise" him), and everytime you see a feather know that he is there with you, holding you, and protecting you with those wings. That thought keeps me going every day. I see a LOT of feathers!!
May you have peace and find joy again. We are family here, and we will always be listening!

Peace,

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by Jill Cobb on December 6, 2010 at 10:50am

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband Jason on 9/28/2010. He died of a massive hear attack and we did not know he had any heart problems. He was only 39. We have 3 beautiful sons ages 8-17. May will mark our 10 year wedding anniversay but we have been together for 14 year

I went back to work on the Wednesday after the Saturday that he was buried. I guess it is easier to be at work because i dont associated work with him it was not a place that he went on a regular basis.

I also dont go to places that we went to together. My sons wanted to go to Waffle House the other day and i just could not do it. We always went all out for Christmas for the boys and i dont even care about Christmas right now. The little bit of shopping that i have done has been online because everytime i go to the store i just leave without anything. My 8 year old still believes in Santa so i know i have to do that for him.

Jason had no life insurance so i am just going day by day.

I will keep everyone in my prayers and think about you all during these next few weeks. It just breaks my heart to go on her and read all the sad stories of loves that have been lost.


Jill Cobb

Permalink Reply by Christy on December 6, 2010 at 12:17pm

Nancey, join the crowd! Sucks indeed! That's my word of choice as well. My Larry was a healthy 38 yr. old, just graduated from Troy University w/ Business degree in May, was beginning his Masters degree in Environmental Business Administration & was about to begin his dream job as supervisor over the largest wastewater treatment facility in the S.E. when he lost his life on the job when the flooring gave way ... (the newly installed grate was over 1" too short & wasn't bolted properly!) he drowned in a covered basin & wasn't found until the following day. I avoid thinking about how his life ended, but really many lives ended that day.- mine, his 12 yr. old son who lived w/ us & to some extent my children (in their 20s now) who live w/ us. We have been a family for over 5 yrs., but he & I worked together & began our relationship almost 8 yrs ago. Alot has happened to our family over that time. Some people find an escape going back to work, but because this is where we met & worked together for 7 1/2 yrs, being here is extremely hard on me! I hate being here, I resent some of my bosses for things relating to him leaving... and I have 2 yrs left before I am vested. Even after that, I can't imagine finding another job that will pay what I get now doing something else. I am stuck. Yes, life sucks. I try to write lists of things I am thankful for, things to do & good things I've done. This helps me focus on using the time I have here in a more productive/positive way. If you don't have to work for financial reasons you are blessed. I would suggest volunteering somewhere, that way you control where & when you go & it will be more satisfying than staying home wasting away. Best wishes-Christy

Permalink Reply by Nancey on December 6, 2010 at 9:23pm

Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement. Today is better, probably because I went back to work and didn't have time to think too much except about work.

One thing really jumped out at me when I was reading your replies:

"His pain was over and mine began."

We helped each other get through the diagnosis, his treatment and illness, and then he was gone, and he's not here to help me get through my pain.

I sometimes wonder how he would have handled things if our positions would have been reversed. I imagine he would have spent most of his time with his mom and dad and brother at their house. I can't help but think he would have handled things much better than I am. My mom and dad have both passed away and I have one brother, but he lives an hour away and has a family.

I know I will get through this, but it's the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

I just hope he's looking down on me and watching over me. Then I wouldn't feel so alone.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on December 7, 2010 at 7:22pm

nancey, just wanted to comment on something you said. i think all the time about how much better my husband would have handled my passing on first. he loved life so much i know he would have been sad but i also know he wouldnt have stopped living. i go through the motions of life but do not enjoy any of it. i pray that if i have to feel this way from now on GOD will take me soon. i have to believe that he will do what is best for me.i too, found my husband late in life at age 43 we were together for 12 years. i also thought we would be together alot longer than 12 yrs.my husband passed away a day and a half after i took my leave and i definantly wish i would have taken mine earlier. so i can relate to a lot of what you have said in your postings.i lost my husband in feb 2010, it will be 10months the day after christmas. i still am in so much pain.i havent posted this before but the other night when i was laying in bed trying to go to sleep and thinking about my sadness i believe i heard my husband say, I'M SORRY. i beleive if he is watching me he is seeing how much pain i am in.please post to me anytime, i feel we have alot in common.br/>

Nancey said:

Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement. Today is better, probably because I went back to work and didn't have time to think too much except about work.

One thing really jumped out at me when I was reading your replies:

"His pain was over and mine began."

We helped each other get through the diagnosis, his treatment and illness, and then he was gone, and he's not here to help me get through my pain.

I sometimes wonder how he would have handled things if our positions would have been reversed. I imagine he would have spent most of his time with his mom and dad and brother at their house. I can't help but think he would have handled things much better than I am. My mom and dad have both passed away and I have one brother, but he lives an hour away and has a family.

I know I will get through this, but it's the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

I just hope he's looking down on me and watching over me. Then I wouldn't feel so alone.

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