Nancey - your story is so similar to mine. I lost my husband on 8/10/10. He had also fought lung cancer for 16 months. He also wanted to be one of the few who survived. He never expected to die yet. But he could not take any more chemo and he went downhill fast. He also has a daughter he did not want to leave. I also found him late in life, I was 40 and I'm now 52. He is the only man I ever loved and we had so many plans for the future. I know exactly how you feel. It really sucks being the one left. I did go back to work after 2 weeks and it did help me. It was hard at first to go home knowing he was not there but you just go on. It really does get a little easier as time goes on but I miss him so much. But I have gotten to the point where I can look at his picture and smile and remember all our good times. At first, all I could remember was seeing him die. I just take one day at a time but it is so hard. I try not to think much about the future right now - I'm just surviving.
I am so sorry for your loss and truly understand what you are going through.
Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement. Today is better, probably because I went back to work and didn't have time to think too much except about work.
One thing really jumped out at me when I was reading your replies:
"His pain was over and mine began."
We helped each other get through the diagnosis, his treatment and illness, and then he was gone, and he's not here to help me get through my pain.
I sometimes wonder how he would have handled things if our positions would have been reversed. I imagine he would have spent most of his time with his mom and dad and brother at their house. I can't help but think he would have handled things much better than I am. My mom and dad have both passed away and I have one brother, but he lives an hour away and has a family.
I know I will get through this, but it's the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.
I just hope he's looking down on me and watching over me. Then I wouldn't feel so alone.