Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Diane Gordon on January 23, 2011 at 3:35pm

DeeAnne Hedrick said:

Dear Diane, I understand about you being so hard on yourself, I am too about certain things as well. I have found myself wearing the perfume she bought me, and using the dishes her and dad gave me at my graduation. I put her picture on my desktop...yes, I say good morning and good night just hoping her spirit somehow hears me. We have to remember that we are not alone;however, I've been feeling the same way...alone and empty inside...I think it has to do with the closeness thing too.  Please lets stay in touch whether it's on here or personal e-mail. Take care and whatever you do don't give up!!!!!

Permalink Reply by Diane Gordon on January 23, 2011 at 3:41pm

Diane Gordon said:

I too had my mom's picture on my desktop, but I had to take it off.  Everytime I went online, I wanted to reach out and touch her.  I still can't believe that she is gone.  When I looked at the picture of her sitting at my kitchen table, I felt that it was just yesterday.  I cried everytime I looked at it.  Maybe, if this pain ever ceases, I can look at it again.  I will never understand the speed with which death can approach and grab us.

DeeAnne Hedrick said:

Dear Diane, I understand about you being so hard on yourself, I am too about certain things as well. I have found myself wearing the perfume she bought me, and using the dishes her and dad gave me at my graduation. I put her picture on my desktop...yes, I say good morning and good night just hoping her spirit somehow hears me. We have to remember that we are not alone;however, I've been feeling the same way...alone and empty inside...I think it has to do with the closeness thing too.  Please lets stay in touch whether it's on here or personal e-mail. Take care and whatever you do don't give up!!!!!

Permalink Reply by Diane Gordon on January 23, 2011 at 3:44pm

s l watson said:

Diane:  Shortly after the death of my 95 years old mother (dec. 15, 2010), a friend, seeing the despair I was sufferig, offered a book she received after her mother's death.  It is written by Nancy Cobb and it named, "In Lieu of Flowers."  I offer a passage to you:  "After experiencing the death of someone you love, you join a rank-and-file whose number multiplies hourly.  Soon you learn, as other have before you, that perspective shifts erratically.  Weeks pass sowy.   You wonder why the world goes on as if nothing has happened.  You wonder if that bone-deep physical ache in the center of your chest will ever go away, or if you'll ever finish a paragraph, laugh with abandon, or look at family photographs without falling apart.  If your loved one died suddenly you will search your memory obsessively, going over and over the last exchange of words and the predominant feelings between you that day.  If you had plenty of time to say goodbye, you'll still wonder if you got it right.  Regret is grief's handmaiden.  Learning to focus on life, rather than the death, of a person you have loved and lost requires an enormous emotional effort.  You distract easily.  You teeter constantly.  ...Just when you think you're ambulatory, it will hit again.  The grief ambush can happen anywhere.  ...Grief is ongoing for all of us.  How we each deal with it, though, is another matter entirely."  The point here is, who among us does not have regrets?  No matter how thoroughly we research every decision, we will always wonder what would have been the outcome if we had chosen the path rejected.  She was 93.  Few people have such a long life.  Mother/daughter conflict is a force of nature and mothers expect to be taken for granted.  Their wish for us is to go live our lives the best we can.  Demonstrate the strength they taught us.  Get Nancy's book.  You will likely find comfort in its pages.  Good luck Diane and stop being so hard on yourself and just let the grief take its natural course.  Finally, Nancy wrote, "Our grief is the natural opening where the link betwen the living and the dead is forged, and once we are able to incorporate it into our hearts and souls, we understand that grief is an integral part of life.  The celebration of the dead-recalling memories, personality traits, and quirkly anecdotes that need to be heard and repeated-is not only key to sanity and survival, it keeps the essence of dear friends who once thrived among us.  Grieving is as natural as breathing, for if we have lived and loved, surely we will grieve.  We must grieve, in ourown separate ways, for as long as it takes, until that grief becomes a part of us, a grief that will end only with our own death, when the eternal cycle of mourning begins again."

Permalink Reply by Diane Gordon on January 23, 2011 at 3:48pm

Thanks for sharing your story.  I will get the book.  I'll do anything to help ease the pain.
Diane Gordon said: :  Shortly after the death of my 95 years old mother (dec. 15, 2010), a friend, seeing the despair I was sufferig, offered a book she received after her mother's death.  It is written by Nancy Cobb and it named, "In Lieu of Flowers."  I offer a passage to you:  "After experiencing the death of someone you love, you join a rank-and-file whose number multiplies hourly.  Soon you learn, as other have before you, that perspective shifts erratically.  Weeks pass sowy.   You wonder why the world goes on as if nothing has happened.  You wonder if that bone-deep physical ache in the center of your chest will ever go away, or if you'll ever finish a paragraph, laugh with abandon, or look at family photographs without falling apart.  If your loved one died suddenly you will search your memory obsessively, going over and over the last exchange of words and the predominant feelings between you that day.  If you had plenty of time to say goodbye, you'll still wonder if you got it right.  Regret is grief's handmaiden.  Learning to focus on life, rather than the death, of a person you have loved and lost requires an enormous emotional effort.  You distract easily.  You teeter constantly.  ...Just when you think you're ambulatory, it will hit again.  The grief ambush can happen anywhere.  ...Grief is ongoing for all of us.  How we each deal with it, though, is another matter entirely."  The point here is, who among us does not have regrets?  No matter how thoroughly we research every decision, we will always wonder what would have been the outcome if we had chosen the path rejected.  She was 93.  Few people have such a long life.  Mother/daughter conflict is a force of nature and mothers expect to be taken for granted.  Their wish for us is to go live our lives the best we can.  Demonstrate the strength they taught us.  Get Nancy's book.  You will likely find comfort in its pages.  Good luck Diane and stop being so hard on yourself and just let the grief take its natural course.  Finally, Nancy wrote, "Our grief is the natural opening where the link betwen the living and the dead is forged, and once we are able to incorporate it into our hearts and souls, we understand that grief is an integral part of life.  The celebration of the dead-recalling memories, personality traits, and quirkly anecdotes that need to be heard and repeated-is not only key to sanity and survival, it keeps the essence of dear friends who once thrived among us.  Grieving is as natural as breathing, for if we have lived and loved, surely we will grieve.  We must grieve, in ourown separate ways, for as long as it takes, until that grief becomes a part of us, a grief that will end only with our own death, when the eternal cycle of mourning begins again."

Permalink Reply by Terri Kuta on January 29, 2011 at 12:52pm

 

Im sorry for the loss of your mother i lost my mother back in 85 she was only 53 and i was 21 she had cancer but we didn't know until it was to late, I also lost my dad august of last year at 87, as your mother

my father had been sick for awhile not like your mom but he had cancer also and lost most of his eye site and hearing, everyone grieves differently, with my mom i lost it and went wild with my dad i thanks god for taking him home and out of a life he hated for over 10 years, then in noember 2010 not 2 months after my dad died my youngest son was killed in a headon collision, now the guilt is there am I being punished because i didn't have the grieving for my father's death, how I wish my father was here now he lost my 2 sisters when they were 13 and 16 and he and i could hold each other and really know what it feels like.  I didnt take care of my father until the last week he lived with a lady he had known for a long time, but you couldn't hae taken care of your mother i hae heard dementia is a disese that even profesional people have a hard time handling, , I don't believe you that anything to ask of God she was 93 and I'm sure like my father was ready to go home, I wish you the best the pain of losing someone and then the guilt can be overwhelming I pray it won't be for you

Permalink Reply by Diane Gordon on February 1, 2011 at 9:02pm

Terri, I am so very sorry for the terrible losses you have experienced.  Losing your parents is bad enough, but the loss of a child is the worst pain I can imagine.  The only thing that I can offer is what I am trying to do, that is give all my pain to the Lord.  He has mighty arms, and he will take it all from you if you just let him.  Thank you for sharing your story, and please let me know if you just want to talk.  I'll be here for you.

Terri Kuta said:

 

Im sorry for the loss of your mother i lost my mother back in 85 she was only 53 and i was 21 she had cancer but we didn't know until it was to late, I also lost my dad august of last year at 87, as your mother

my father had been sick for awhile not like your mom but he had cancer also and lost most of his eye site and hearing, everyone grieves differently, with my mom i lost it and went wild with my dad i thanks god for taking him home and out of a life he hated for over 10 years, then in noember 2010 not 2 months after my dad died my youngest son was killed in a headon collision, now the guilt is there am I being punished because i didn't have the grieving for my father's death, how I wish my father was here now he lost my 2 sisters when they were 13 and 16 and he and i could hold each other and really know what it feels like.  I didnt take care of my father until the last week he lived with a lady he had known for a long time, but you couldn't hae taken care of your mother i hae heard dementia is a disese that even profesional people have a hard time handling, , I don't believe you that anything to ask of God she was 93 and I'm sure like my father was ready to go home, I wish you the best the pain of losing someone and then the guilt can be overwhelming I pray it won't be for you

Permalink Reply by Diane Gordon on February 1, 2011 at 9:02pm

Terri, I am so very sorry for the terrible losses you have experienced.  Losing your parents is bad enough, but the loss of a child is the worst pain I can imagine.  The only thing that I can offer is what I am trying to do, that is give all my pain to the Lord.  He has mighty arms, and he will take it all from you if you just let him.  Thank you for sharing your story, and please let me know if you just want to talk.  I'll be here for you.

Terri Kuta said:

 

Im sorry for the loss of your mother i lost my mother back in 85 she was only 53 and i was 21 she had cancer but we didn't know until it was to late, I also lost my dad august of last year at 87, as your mother

my father had been sick for awhile not like your mom but he had cancer also and lost most of his eye site and hearing, everyone grieves differently, with my mom i lost it and went wild with my dad i thanks god for taking him home and out of a life he hated for over 10 years, then in noember 2010 not 2 months after my dad died my youngest son was killed in a headon collision, now the guilt is there am I being punished because i didn't have the grieving for my father's death, how I wish my father was here now he lost my 2 sisters when they were 13 and 16 and he and i could hold each other and really know what it feels like.  I didnt take care of my father until the last week he lived with a lady he had known for a long time, but you couldn't hae taken care of your mother i hae heard dementia is a disese that even profesional people have a hard time handling, , I don't believe you that anything to ask of God she was 93 and I'm sure like my father was ready to go home, I wish you the best the pain of losing someone and then the guilt can be overwhelming I pray it won't be for you

Permalink Reply by Diane Gordon on February 1, 2011 at 9:12pm

Thank you Jeanne.  It is a good feeling to know that I am not alone, even tough I feel that way alot.  Yes, losing the beautiful parents that God has given us is devistating.  I can't imagine my life ever being the same.  I can't find joy in anything.  I hope with God's help I can accept losing my mother, and ease all the guilt I carry surrounding her death.  Please, keep in touch.  It's good people like you that make the grieving process bearable.

Jeanne M Croghan said:

Diane, I am so sorry. I have been through the death of both of my wonderful parents. We do heal, but it is a process, and no two people grieve the same. Please feel free to contact me, if you want to talk.

HUGS, Jeanne

Permalink Reply by Jenny on February 3, 2011 at 8:33pm

Diane,

 My heart breaks for you as I too, experienced a similar situation. Know that God is love..and that you did the best you could and your mom is so proud of you. Where they are ..there is no hate,etc.only love..corny perhaps.but I believe that w/ my whole heart. Forgive yourself..Actually pat yourself on the back for doing such a wonderful job caring as you did.  is there a Hospice agency near you?. They have Greif groups/indiv. counseling. Your hospital?? It doesn't matter if their service was utilitized or not. You are not alone..! God Bless. I'm here if I can be of any help..

Jennifer

Permalink Reply by Jenny on February 3, 2011 at 8:33pm

Jenny said:

Diane,

 My heart breaks for you as I too, experienced a similar situation. Know that God is love..and that you did the best you could and your mom is so proud of you. Where they are ..there is no hate,etc.only love..corny perhaps.but I believe that w/ my whole heart. Forgive yourself..Actually pat yourself on the back for doing such a wonderful job caring as you did.  is there a Hospice agency near you?. They have Greif groups/indiv. counseling. Your hospital?? It doesn't matter if their service was utilitized or not. You are not alone..! God Bless. I'm here if I can be of any help..

Jennifer

Permalink Reply by Judi Castellone on February 3, 2011 at 8:48pm

My mom passed away in June and I am still not accepting it either. I know just what you are going through. I sit here on the computer and look pictures of her when she was smiling and happy. At the end she lost so much weight and ad CDiff then got so filled with fluids. She died of congested heart failure. She was 90 and like you I thought she would be around forever. We had tried to set her up in assisted living which she was not happy about and as it turned out she was in the hospital more than her apartment at the assited living. She failed so quickly once we had set her up there. I think she just wanted to be in her own home and that is why she failed so quickly. I have no regrets because she just could not be alone, she had fallen a few times fractured her ribs and that is what started it all. The last day of her life she said to me "what happened to me" I will never forget those words for as long as I live. You did not turn your back on your mom, you were doing what you thought was best for her so don't think those thoughts. There comes a time when we have to do things we really are not comfortable with, as they did for us when we were growing up. I will pray that you find comfort and and remember the good times you had and the good that you did for her while she was sick.

Permalink Reply by Grieving Daughter on February 3, 2011 at 9:04pm

Diane,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my Mother September 27, 2009 and I am still grieving. She was almost 76 and I was 49 1/2. I know that I took her for granted and allowed myself to show my "worst side" towards her that I couldn't and didn't show to others. She didn't like it but she still loved me. I have horrible guilt for all of this and other things that I feel I should have done for her, like cook for her more. She was sick for 2 months and in the end was in horrible pain due to swelling and other illnesses. I had to make the decision to let her have morphine all night instead of intubating her as that would have been very painful and would have only prolonged her suffering. I am not married and have no children and I feel very alone most of the time even though I have some relatives in town and my brother, sister in law and niece are 3 hours away. I tell you all of this to let you know that I believe you did so much for your Mother. You had to put her in a nursing home as you could not care for her anymore and that is okay; I know you feel guilt about this but I believe you did what you had to do. I know that I sinned against God and my Mother so much and for that I am eternally sorry. I have not been able to talk to others about this because of the shame associated with it. I am not saying you did this I am just saying what I did and how I feel. I am trying to forgive myself and have cried out to God and my Mother so much and yes, I hate myself for my sin. The one thing I hold on to is the fact that she told me "I was a good daughter" during her illness. Whether or not she told you this she believed it I am sure and I want you to believe it. We are all human and Satan attacks us when we are at our weakest and many times we take out our frustrations on those we love the most. I know you are empty and devasted and in no way do I feel you can be back to your "old self" again soon if ever. It will be a different self. I have attended a grief group called, GriefShare. You can find it online and there should be groups in your area. Also, I would suggest you get some counseling as I have not yet due to money issues but I need to. God will forgive you as He will forgive me. Do not let Satan tell you lies. Become involved with a group of Christians when you can. Know that you did not turn your back on her. I am sorry her death was so difficult for her, you and your family. She is at peace now and loves you from Heaven. In Christ, Amy

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