I'm New Here

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Karen Gleave on May 11, 2012 at 7:16pm

Permalink Reply by Karen Gleave on May 11, 2012 at 7:22pm

Yes - even if he had recovered from the last illness, it would likely have recurred soon. They were suspecting that the bacteria that was causing the sepsis was being harboured in his heart tissue, so even if antibiotic treatment had been successful it would only have been a temporary fix. He hated how disabled he had become - his weakness meant he had to use a cane or a walker almost constantly.

Dealing with all the paperwork can seem absolutely overwhelming - but there's not much you can do re bank accounts/insurance/pensions etc. until you get the death certificate. Can you contact that particular state's Department of Vital Statistics, perhaps?

Permalink Reply by Julie Larsen on May 11, 2012 at 7:58pm

Karen:

I haven't done that yet, but I guess I will have to soon. The funeral director said it could take 3 weeks but now it has been a month.

I used to have a sign in my sewing room that said "All I want is a little more than I'll ever get". Now I just want a little more time than I'll ever get.

I have to keep remembering how Charlie did not even want to spend time going to doctors and in the hospital let alone in an accute care facility on a respirator. I know he has to be happy now - it's just me who can't stand the way things are.

Permalink Reply by Julie Larsen on May 11, 2012 at 8:08pm

Julie S:

I think you mean to say that it is just as well you didn't know about the cancer because your husband got to live five years without all the medical crap and I think you are right. My Charlie always said it was not living if he had to spend all his time going to doctors or in the hospital. For the last few years we did not go to many of his follow up transplant visits or do much of the blood work - because he wanted to live! I had to let him go because even if by some miracle he did survive to get out of the hospital he would have been in an accute care facility on dialysis and the ventilator. However, I still have some guilt because I didn't actually get to talk to him about this. Our earlier discussions were always like "if we have to go to a nursing home, we'll just shoot each other. I think and hope, I knew what was in his heart.

I guess I need to be Julie L.

Permalink Reply by Karen Gleave on May 11, 2012 at 9:25pm

If obtaining the death certificate is part of the service that the funeral home provides - then yes, they should be the ones to be pursuing this, rather than you. You're kind of stuck until you get it.

Yes, it's hard when you can't talk much during the final days. My Dh gave the agreement re palliative care only, and that he wanted to be cared for at the local free-standing hospice, rather than having us try to care for him at home. But after that, during the final week or so, he was just too weak to communicate much. One of my sons read him a letter that he'd written as to how much his Dad had meant to him - but we honestly didn't know how much he really took in.

While every day I want him back - I want him back healthy. It's not as though he had become abusive or terribly cynical - but he didn't like the direction that his life had taken, revolving around constant lab/doctor visits/specialist referrals.

Julie Larsen said:

Karen:

I haven't done that yet, but I guess I will have to soon. The funeral director said it could take 3 weeks but now it has been a month.

I used to have a sign in my sewing room that said "All I want is a little more than I'll ever get". Now I just want a little more time than I'll ever get.

I have to keep remembering how Charlie did not even want to spend time going to doctors and in the hospital let alone in an accute care facility on a respirator. I know he has to be happy now - it's just me who can't stand the way things are.

Permalink Reply by Julie Larsen on May 11, 2012 at 10:07pm

Karen:

I know what you mean. I guess we want something that is completely impossible. I want Charlie never to have had the disease that caused him to need a transplant. That would mean 66 years ago because his disease was genetic.

I just can't believe still that he is gone. I took care of him for so long and I would gladly do it for years more just to have him with me, but I know he would hate living that way.

Permalink Reply by janeo on May 12, 2012 at 10:25am

Is anyone also having trouble with this site

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on May 12, 2012 at 3:42pm

Hi Julie ...

I am so very sorry you had to join our group, but, this group is wonderful for support so I am glad you have to all of us as we all share the grieving process.

It has been a year this past April 27th that my Ernie passed away from pancreatic/liver cancer. We were getting ready for him to semi retire and had plans for the future to do some of the things we wanted to do, but it was not to be. The journey of grief is a difficult one, but with the help of grief counseling and this forum you will do just fine. Grief is different for everyone and the length of time is also different for each of us.

Take care and please just post about your thoughts like many of us do and you will always find encouragement.

Marcy