I Need A Semblance Of Serenity, Resolution.

It's been 2 months since my mom passed. I was alone in my home, dusting the bedroom. Thought 'What a lot of cologne, perfume bottles!' Realized half were from my mom.

I'm now 50. I sobbed and howled how I wanted my mommy, mommy, momma. This went on a while. Then the fury of how it all ended. the pain of my family's desertion, knowing my mom put her security, comfort before anything, including her children. The duplicity, she talked behind other peoples back to me, she MUST have done the same about me to others. Stringing my husband and I along about moving here so we could take care of her, endless home hunting, then finding out she told folks, "I'd NEVER move down there!" Leaving my husband, who treated her w/more respect, kindness, helpfulness than her own son, nothing. Not a kind word in her will, not a memento, nothing. Her soul must have shriveled and died a few years ago when I was hospitalized, begged her to come down here and she didn't. My brother was visiting her, he could have driven her in that utmost comfort she desired. Did she ever TRULY love me or just see me as an extension of herself, another woman to view through a lens of self-loathing? Why is it still so important to me? Why can't I move on?

So many friends have either moved away or feel it's been two months, plus the months leading to her demise, Shut up already. I understand. Listening to someone pin their wheels in pain is absolutely frustrating, tedious.

I feel if I can't trust my family, found out in the end I couldn't even trust my own mother, I have no desire to socialize, meet new people. I have my husband, the closest to long term family, he loves me out of either true love or necessity. Is that enough for a life, not filled w/sadness, anger, regret? If I'm asking, probably not. I have no energy to invest into relationships that later turn out to be built on sand.

Mom, you left me a whopper of a legacy. I fantasize, have had dreams of telling you this to your face, demanding answers. In reality, I know the answers would never come, just as they didn't when you were alive.

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Permalink Reply by Peggy Hill on April 10, 2012 at 4:28pm

You have so much to work through that maybe a therapist could help. I'm sorry you were not treated fairly. I'm sure in some way your mother loved you. She obviously didn't communicate that to you. Just do what ever it takes to get to a place where you can let go of all this. It's the only thing that can help you. Just put it as far behind you as you can and look to the future. Again, I'm so sorry you were treated this way.

Permalink Reply by Ella Whitfield on April 30, 2012 at 2:41pm

Wow, I really don't know what to say to your pain except if you believe in a higher power you need to reach out to them right now. I don't know what your mother could have possibly done to you for you to suffer this way but I pray that you can get beyond it and heal. Because your soul is what you need to worry about now and the last thing you would want is for your soul to be lost because of anger you can't get past. May God watch over you, heal your pain, send you peace and comfort along with some understanding of how you were treated.

Permalink Reply by S.A. Brobin on May 5, 2012 at 10:36am

Wow!!! Wanda, you have my most sincere condolences on the loss of your faith and trust. It is apparent this is the most devastating thing to come out of the demise of your 'mother'. What a loss. I am truly sorry for you. Time is a great healer. Its so good you were able to come to grips and verbalize your anger. Maybe so called 'friends' and your family can't bear to hear you vent which is why this website serves a good purpose. May I suggest though, if you have the means, to either go to a therapist and/or a grief support group. I was truly amazed at how talking to a stranger who was on MY side of the issue, who didn't judge me with an agenda helped.

Also, I don't know if you are a devout person or a Bible reader but there is so much comfort there for us from 'the God of comfort ". Psalms 34:18 says " God is near to those that are broken at heart. And to those who are crushed in spirit he saves. If I can help you find the comfort from the Almighty God in the pages of the Bible please let me know. Miss Sylvia

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