I'm new here and hope I can navigate around. My husband was sick for a few years, finally he passed on; with me by his side in the loving care of Hospice (for the both of us.) I don't have any unresloved conflicts or things to forgive, or be forgiven of.

My husband passed loving me and me him. He even told a neighbor shortly before he passed- "I'll love her forever". When this neighbor told me it lifted my spirits so!

I still recall this man/neighbor telling me this with tears in his eyes. And he said John  talked about me with love,as he once had to drive him to the VA hospital for and appt. when I couldn't.  It will be three years June 15th and I just can't get used to him not being here with me. All my family is in NJ and it is impossible financially for me to go north except 'a visit' each year. I plan this time to go for a few months.

I love this home my husband and I shared. He had improvements

done before he was bedriden;and had such pride that after years in the military moving around the world and country;he had a HOUSE and grounds that were everything he ever wanted.

I thank God every day for what I have, and I thank my husband for the years of service that made  it possible, and I thnk my government for the aid I've been given due to his agent orange exposure that may have contirbuted to his disease.

Something tells me I need to contact others in my boat so to speak. All my friends are married. I still feel married. Death has not taken that from me at least. A.B.

 

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Replies to This Discussion



Alanna Bellflower said:

Losing my parents was very sad, but at the time dad had cancer, and 2 yrs later mom was deep in alzheimers when she passed- both health conditions were reasons to let go of this earthly life and move on. They were both 81 at the time I lost them. My husband on the other hand, inspite of an ongoing feeling of just not being well at times, was not even 62. Very different scenerio. Way harder.  The last year seemed hopeless for my husbands recovery, and that proved to be  so.

I did everything I could for my dear husband while he was sick,  then later in the process of transition to the other side (as some say). My relief that all his worrys and pain of sickness was over filled me at the momment he was pronounced. Then the flood gates of MY loss came crashing in. I'm certain you all know intimately what I'm saying.

The other day I had conversation with a person that actually didn't tell me anything I haven't read; or know about dealing with  grief- but for some reason the words sunk in.

I have one more thing to do for the Love of my Husband.

Let him go. When we hear these words it may seem to mean= eliminate, get rid of, clear out...and we recoil in horror at the mere thought of such a thing . But I beleive I can take that step, because now I feel I understand it/letting go better.

In my heart I feel that when I do this, I will then be able to feel the love he still has for me clearer and  fully.

Already the last 2 days my depression has lifted. Anyone who knows me personally; knows I can't or never will forget my John. I am making a conscious effort when the slightest saddness at missing him comes upon me, to force myself to smile ( looking at his picture if necessary) and Thank him from the heart for the 21 yrs we had together. One of the last things he said to me was, "Don't grieve for me long".

I haven't fulfilled that request for him because "I" have gotten in the way.

When we're here together on earth, we know how to show our love with the slightest touch, smile, look or caress. When our loved one is no longer in the physical- we don't know what to do. How do we bridge the gap - that terrible endless abyss of a gap that we feel between us? Maybe it's in the 'letting go' we learn.

I'm so tired of being grief stricken, unable to get motivated, feeling the most simple household task is a huge chore.....I'll try it. At this point I now feel I can do it ....for John . If only to be sure he can KNOW I'm ok.

Easter is coming. For those that hold beliefs that there is Everlasting Life it's a wonderful time. This is how I will spend my Easter. All my family is miles away, but I'll have a hopeful  Easter knowing I've done the last, and maybe the most important thing for my husband.

This is just my way. But I wanted to share it with anyone who may be on the threshold of 'letting go'.

 

Alanna+

Jerry said

Sorry to hear of your loss,but glad that you found this site,it does help.As fas as the loss of a spouse or parent,there is no comparison. I was close to my Dad,when he died 17 years ago, it hurt,but I got over it . My Mom  passed away 2 months ago,and although we were real close

,I was with her a few times a week and the last year almost daily,it it  did not hit me like the loss of my wife.It may be just in my mind,but I feel people that knew me before my wife passed away look at me differently now,maybe they feel pity for me,I dont know. I just try to take it one day at a time,I am lucky that I have grandchildren that lift my spirits. It may be that it is natural for us at some time to expect the passing of our parents,but losing our spouse at an early time in our lives is a shock. All the plans that were made during our marriage are gone. Maybe the saying that love hurts is true,the more love had the harder it is to deal with the loss.

Alanna Bellflower said:

Linda I'm having some prpblems with getting used to this 'reply' thing. I thought I just did that?!

any way- where ever it went I was grateful for your response to my first post here. I'll continue to stop in and read other's stories and remarks. I know this is a journey, a process that is a day by day thing. Actually I can remember the earliest days when I had no sense of time at all. At least I'm out of that. Now I have the 'emptiness' and loneliness you mentioned. Most of the time I feel unfit for human companionship. By that I mean very undependable. Like I may make arrangements to do something with a friend on their day off- and then the day comes and I'm dreading it, whishing I never made those plans. Just want to curl up with a book or my knitting. Don't get me wrong. I'm lucky to have the lady friends I have- they are all like sisters. But I'm aware I am a reminder of the worse that can happen to a couple. Dealing with our parents demise is much different than with a spouse I find.

Thanks again- alanna

Joan- I think it 's hard to get compensation after death, with possible exposure to Agent Orange. There are papers that have to be filled out that most likely only your husband could answer. Mine had a large packet of paperwork to be done. I was an Army wife for barely 5 yrs (at the end of his service)- then he retired. In those last years he was based mostly in my homestate. He served in Viet  nam when he was a young man and during his first marriage. I know little about that time of his life. I would have been unable to fill out the forms and answer the questions. I tell you this as I am at a loss of how or where you would get info on this.Sorry.

Alanna  

Joan said:

Alanna, I was told by one of the Vietnam veterans that if I could prove that my husband was in Vietnam there might be compensation because of the Agent Orange.  It seems they are finding more and more coronary artery disease by those who were subjected to AO.  With the trouble our country is in right now, I'm not so sure that bill will ever be passed - at least in my lifetime.  I guess one can only hope.  If anyone on here knows about that, please let me know.  thanks.  Joan

Dear Alanna,

 

My dear husband died July 17, 2009 -- another casualty of Agent Orange.  He was ill for many years and I took care of him.  Hospice is a wonderful organization and I dont' believe I could have gotten through the last days without their support, kindness, compassionate care for Douglas (and me), and the dignty with which he died.  He was home and surrounded by those who love him the most.  We were together 33 years and he was my best friend, soul mate, spouse, and confident.  He is still all of those things and now my guardian angel.  Douglas held on as long as he could and I finally told him to let go -- I was going to be okay.  It will be two years this July and I miss him terribly, but my "new" normal is on its way.  I have made the decision to retire at the end of this July, move to NC to be near our daughter and her family, go back to school eventually and finally finish that Master's degree, and volunteer at the local VA hospital.  They helped in many ways, but our dealings weren't always easy.  That is in the past.  I am receiving my widow benefit now and am grateful for that.  A small token for losing a wonderful man.  I would rather have him, but we can't always get what we want (Rolling Stones).  Like you I still feel married and always will.  Douglas was a kind and gentle soul whose suffering is finally over.  I love him with all of my heart and he will be with me forever.  And I believe that we will be together again.  He always had to be "first" with everything!  Take care and know that all of us here have a special bond.  We actually "get it" -- unlike so many who have yet to experience our tragedy.  They will and we as friends will be there to guide them down that path of grief.  It does get easier to accept and life actually continues.  I feel like I am still trying to catch up having missed the past two years.  And then, maybe not!  Peace be with you and everyone else on this site.

 

Peace,

 

Brigitte

Dear Alanna,

 

My dear husband died July 17, 2009 -- another casualty of Agent Orange.  He was ill for many years and I took care of him.  Hospice is a wonderful organization and I dont' believe I could have gotten through the last days without their support, kindness, compassionate care for Douglas (and me), and the dignty with which he died.  He was home and surrounded by those who love him the most.  We were together 33 years and he was my best friend, soul mate, spouse, and confident.  He is still all of those things and now my guardian angel.  Douglas held on as long as he could and I finally told him to let go -- I was going to be okay.  It will be two years this July and I miss him terribly, but my "new" normal is on its way.  I have made the decision to retire at the end of this July, move to NC to be near our daughter and her family, go back to school eventually and finally finish that Master's degree, and volunteer at the local VA hospital.  They helped in many ways, but our dealings weren't always easy.  That is in the past.  I am receiving my widow benefit now and am grateful for that.  A small token for losing a wonderful man.  I would rather have him, but we can't always get what we want (Rolling Stones).  Like you I still feel married and always will.  Douglas was a kind and gentle soul whose suffering is finally over.  I love him with all of my heart and he will be with me forever.  And I believe that we will be together again.  He always had to be "first" with everything!  Take care and know that all of us here have a special bond.  We actually "get it" -- unlike so many who have yet to experience our tragedy.  They will and we as friends will be there to guide them down that path of grief.  It does get easier to accept and life actually continues.  I feel like I am still trying to catch up having missed the past two years.  And then, maybe not!  Peace be with you and everyone else on this site.

 

Peace,

 

Brigitte

  Alanna, that is great advice. I have a few religious cards that have that message on them. At times I find myself dwelling on the last few months of my wifes illness,but I know it would be best to think of all the good times we had. We were together almost 40 years so the good memories by fay outway the last few that were tough on both of us. Have a peaceful Easter, regards Jerry.


That is beautiful (what you wrote).  It is so sad to read everyone's posts and know they each have a story to tell that can touch my heart to pray for everyone of us - the journey of grief is a difficult path and losing a spouse that we bonded with and expected to have many more years together is the most painful thing I have evern gone through.  My dad died suddently in 2003 and that was very hard but this has been so much harder.  My heartfelt prayers go with you and those who have posted their stories regarding the loss they are trying to cope with.  God bless...


Alanna Bellflower said:

Losing my parents was very sad, but at the time dad had cancer, and 2 yrs later mom was deep in alzheimers when she passed- both health conditions were reasons to let go of this earthly life and move on. They were both 81 at the time I lost them. My husband on the other hand, inspite of an ongoing feeling of just not being well at times, was not even 62. Very different scenerio. Way harder.  The last year seemed hopeless for my husbands recovery, and that proved to be  so.

I did everything I could for my dear husband while he was sick,  then later in the process of transition to the other side (as some say). My relief that all his worrys and pain of sickness was over filled me at the momment he was pronounced. Then the flood gates of MY loss came crashing in. I'm certain you all know intimately what I'm saying.

The other day I had conversation with a person that actually didn't tell me anything I haven't read; or know about dealing with  grief- but for some reason the words sunk in.

I have one more thing to do for the Love of my Husband.

Let him go. When we hear these words it may seem to mean= eliminate, get rid of, clear out...and we recoil in horror at the mere thought of such a thing . But I beleive I can take that step, because now I feel I understand it/letting go better.

In my heart I feel that when I do this, I will then be able to feel the love he still has for me clearer and  fully.

Already the last 2 days my depression has lifted. Anyone who knows me personally; knows I can't or never will forget my John. I am making a conscious effort when the slightest saddness at missing him comes upon me, to force myself to smile ( looking at his picture if necessary) and Thank him from the heart for the 21 yrs we had together. One of the last things he said to me was, "Don't grieve for me long".

I haven't fulfilled that request for him because "I" have gotten in the way.

When we're here together on earth, we know how to show our love with the slightest touch, smile, look or caress. When our loved one is no longer in the physical- we don't know what to do. How do we bridge the gap - that terrible endless abyss of a gap that we feel between us? Maybe it's in the 'letting go' we learn.

I'm so tired of being grief stricken, unable to get motivated, feeling the most simple household task is a huge chore.....I'll try it. At this point I now feel I can do it ....for John . If only to be sure he can KNOW I'm ok.

Easter is coming. For those that hold beliefs that there is Everlasting Life it's a wonderful time. This is how I will spend my Easter. All my family is miles away, but I'll have a hopeful  Easter knowing I've done the last, and maybe the most important thing for my husband.

This is just my way. But I wanted to share it with anyone who may be on the threshold of 'letting go'.

 

Alanna+

Jerry said

Sorry to hear of your loss,but glad that you found this site,it does help.As fas as the loss of a spouse or parent,there is no comparison. I was close to my Dad,when he died 17 years ago, it hurt,but I got over it . My Mom  passed away 2 months ago,and although we were real close

,I was with her a few times a week and the last year almost daily,it it  did not hit me like the loss of my wife.It may be just in my mind,but I feel people that knew me before my wife passed away look at me differently now,maybe they feel pity for me,I dont know. I just try to take it one day at a time,I am lucky that I have grandchildren that lift my spirits. It may be that it is natural for us at some time to expect the passing of our parents,but losing our spouse at an early time in our lives is a shock. All the plans that were made during our marriage are gone. Maybe the saying that love hurts is true,the more love had the harder it is to deal with the loss.

Alanna Bellflower said:

Linda I'm having some prpblems with getting used to this 'reply' thing. I thought I just did that?!

any way- where ever it went I was grateful for your response to my first post here. I'll continue to stop in and read other's stories and remarks. I know this is a journey, a process that is a day by day thing. Actually I can remember the earliest days when I had no sense of time at all. At least I'm out of that. Now I have the 'emptiness' and loneliness you mentioned. Most of the time I feel unfit for human companionship. By that I mean very undependable. Like I may make arrangements to do something with a friend on their day off- and then the day comes and I'm dreading it, whishing I never made those plans. Just want to curl up with a book or my knitting. Don't get me wrong. I'm lucky to have the lady friends I have- they are all like sisters. But I'm aware I am a reminder of the worse that can happen to a couple. Dealing with our parents demise is much different than with a spouse I find.

Thanks again- alanna

Thank you everyone for your kind words and understanding. I just now am beginning to feel a change in myselt that is more grateful to having my husband with me all those years; than the sadness of 'losing' him.

Good thing too; as on April 18th I got a distressing call from one of my children in NJ that  my son in law Chris killed himself. Now I have to be strong for my daughter and the three children.

As a warning, we may all take heed with using the medication Remeron as Chris was on it only a few days.

The night before he took this action he told my daughter he would contact his Dr the next day that "he didn't like the way Remeron made him feel". He awoke that morning laid out his work clothes, woke his boys, went downstairs and made a sandwhich for his lunch. Then something went terribly wrong and he went into the garage and that was his last action on earth. Chris worked at a stressful job for many years with Lockheed Martin on projects that protect our country. He was level headed, efficient, a hard worker at all he did be it his job, the many sports his children chose to partake in or just being "Dad" and a loving husband. What more can I say? thanks for being here every one.



Alanna Bellflower said:

Losing my parents was very sad, but at the time dad had cancer, and 2 yrs later mom was deep in alzheimers when she passed- both health conditions were reasons to let go of this earthly life and move on. They were both 81 at the time I lost them. My husband on the other hand, inspite of an ongoing feeling of just not being well at times, was not even 62. Very different scenerio. Way harder.  The last year seemed hopeless for my husbands recovery, and that proved to be  so.

I did everything I could for my dear husband while he was sick,  then later in the process of transition to the other side (as some say). My relief that all his worrys and pain of sickness was over filled me at the momment he was pronounced. Then the flood gates of MY loss came crashing in. I'm certain you all know intimately what I'm saying.

The other day I had conversation with a person that actually didn't tell me anything I haven't read; or know about dealing with  grief- but for some reason the words sunk in.

I have one more thing to do for the Love of my Husband.

Let him go. When we hear these words it may seem to mean= eliminate, get rid of, clear out...and we recoil in horror at the mere thought of such a thing . But I beleive I can take that step, because now I feel I understand it/letting go better.

In my heart I feel that when I do this, I will then be able to feel the love he still has for me clearer and  fully.

Already the last 2 days my depression has lifted. Anyone who knows me personally; knows I can't or never will forget my John. I am making a conscious effort when the slightest saddness at missing him comes upon me, to force myself to smile ( looking at his picture if necessary) and Thank him from the heart for the 21 yrs we had together. One of the last things he said to me was, "Don't grieve for me long".

I haven't fulfilled that request for him because "I" have gotten in the way.

When we're here together on earth, we know how to show our love with the slightest touch, smile, look or caress. When our loved one is no longer in the physical- we don't know what to do. How do we bridge the gap - that terrible endless abyss of a gap that we feel between us? Maybe it's in the 'letting go' we learn.

I'm so tired of being grief stricken, unable to get motivated, feeling the most simple household task is a huge chore.....I'll try it. At this point I now feel I can do it ....for John . If only to be sure he can KNOW I'm ok.

Easter is coming. For those that hold beliefs that there is Everlasting Life it's a wonderful time. This is how I will spend my Easter. All my family is miles away, but I'll have a hopeful  Easter knowing I've done the last, and maybe the most important thing for my husband.

This is just my way. But I wanted to share it with anyone who may be on the threshold of 'letting go'.

 

Alanna+

Jerry said

Sorry to hear of your loss,but glad that you found this site,it does help.As fas as the loss of a spouse or parent,there is no comparison. I was close to my Dad,when he died 17 years ago, it hurt,but I got over it . My Mom  passed away 2 months ago,and although we were real close

,I was with her a few times a week and the last year almost daily,it it  did not hit me like the loss of my wife.It may be just in my mind,but I feel people that knew me before my wife passed away look at me differently now,maybe they feel pity for me,I dont know. I just try to take it one day at a time,I am lucky that I have grandchildren that lift my spirits. It may be that it is natural for us at some time to expect the passing of our parents,but losing our spouse at an early time in our lives is a shock. All the plans that were made during our marriage are gone. Maybe the saying that love hurts is true,the more love had the harder it is to deal with the loss.

Alanna Bellflower said:

Linda I'm having some prpblems with getting used to this 'reply' thing. I thought I just did that?!

any way- where ever it went I was grateful for your response to my first post here. I'll continue to stop in and read other's stories and remarks. I know this is a journey, a process that is a day by day thing. Actually I can remember the earliest days when I had no sense of time at all. At least I'm out of that. Now I have the 'emptiness' and loneliness you mentioned. Most of the time I feel unfit for human companionship. By that I mean very undependable. Like I may make arrangements to do something with a friend on their day off- and then the day comes and I'm dreading it, whishing I never made those plans. Just want to curl up with a book or my knitting. Don't get me wrong. I'm lucky to have the lady friends I have- they are all like sisters. But I'm aware I am a reminder of the worse that can happen to a couple. Dealing with our parents demise is much different than with a spouse I find.

Thanks again- alanna

I am so sorry for your loss, this is the first time that I have been on this site, so please forgive me if I do something wrong.  I too loss my husband at an early age, he was only 54.  This was something that was not expected.  He went into the hospital on Wednesday and he was gone Friday morning.  I too miss him every day.  We never really got to say goodby to each other, in fact we did not say goodbye, just see you later.  I have friends who ask me why aren't you getting on with your life, it's been 2.5 years.  It is hard to telling them that when your whole life or a good portion of it has been with the one person who completed you that there is a huge part missing.  I am fortunate to have the support of his family, especially his mother, who makes sure that I am not forgotten and that I am still part of their family.  My daughter and grandchildren also fill a huge void.  I have to remember that I did not only lose a husband and best friend that they lost a father and grandfather.  He was closer to my daughter than her own father and she knew how much he loved her.  Thre are days to that I do not want to leave the house and really go anywhere.  It is like where do I go that we didn't always go together.  Like Jerry said people do look at you a little bit different, you were always a couple now you are a single. It is difficult to get around something like that, you do not want to feel like a third wheel.  I am fortunate to have a friend who makes sure that every other weekend she and her husband invite me out to dinner with them and they will not take no for an answer.  Even though you still feel the loss at least I do everyday he is gone.

Patricia,

This site is here for you to say whatever you need to say, to express your feelings and to give and receive compassion with others who are going through similar ordeals after the death of their beloved spouse/life partner. Unlike the general population we know how it feels to feel as you do to lose the one who completes you, who shared your life & plans for the future. My husband was only 38 yrs old & was alive & healthy but died in an accident on the job 8 months ago. We were together 24/7 working , going to school together & best friends. I am devastated. No words can describe the constant longing I feel for him. So many here have similar stories. It's sad, but the people here are wonderful and I don't know how I could have managed without their support. I hope you will be encouraged by all of us here as well. Also, I think you are blessed to have such a good mother in law & friends that insist on taking you out!

I wish you the best~ Hugs, Christy

Patricia A. VonBenken said:

I am so sorry for your loss, this is the first time that I have been on this site, so please forgive me if I do something wrong.  I too loss my husband at an early age, he was only 54.  This was something that was not expected.  He went into the hospital on Wednesday and he was gone Friday morning.  I too miss him every day.  We never really got to say goodby to each other, in fact we did not say goodbye, just see you later.  I have friends who ask me why aren't you getting on with your life, it's been 2.5 years.  It is hard to telling them that when your whole life or a good portion of it has been with the one person who completed you that there is a huge part missing.  I am fortunate to have the support of his family, especially his mother, who makes sure that I am not forgotten and that I am still part of their family.  My daughter and grandchildren also fill a huge void.  I have to remember that I did not only lose a husband and best friend that they lost a father and grandfather.  He was closer to my daughter than her own father and she knew how much he loved her.  Thre are days to that I do not want to leave the house and really go anywhere.  It is like where do I go that we didn't always go together.  Like Jerry said people do look at you a little bit different, you were always a couple now you are a single. It is difficult to get around something like that, you do not want to feel like a third wheel.  I am fortunate to have a friend who makes sure that every other weekend she and her husband invite me out to dinner with them and they will not take no for an answer.  Even though you still feel the loss at least I do everyday he is gone.

you said everything i went through in your first paragraph. only my husband  was not in the military, that was another life with my first husband, but the love of my life passed 3-26-11,we had all the arragements made of what we both wanted, we had the greatest communition for the past year.i thought i could deal, but i am finding out i can't,or think i can't. i don't known what i'm doing half the time, i can't think clearly i can't think of the words i want to use, just everyday words ets.i just feel so empty inside, my heart hurts ,i feel waves of emotions crassing, i have terrible nightmares, i'm afraid to sleep. i am  a wreck. i just really don't know what to do. i know time heals, bot...............
I was also told the same thing by a veterans administrator. I was in his office turning in papers to have a bronze plaque for his headstone.  I have looked up all the proof that I need that Jim was in Vietnam. Jim also died of coronary artery disease but I'm like you, not sure that the bill will ever be passed.  Another Joan, from Kansas

Joan said:
Alanna, I was told by one of the Vietnam veterans that if I could prove that my husband was in Vietnam there might be compensation because of the Agent Orange.  It seems they are finding more and more coronary artery disease by those who were subjected to AO.  With the trouble our country is in right now, I'm not so sure that bill will ever be passed - at least in my lifetime.  I guess one can only hope.  If anyone on here knows about that, please let me know.  thanks.  Joan

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