I recently realized what my problem is.  Even though I have had ups and downs, taken a step forward and two steps back.  I know I'm doing whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing.  When I go out with family/friends I come back feeling good but I can't depend on anyone to fill Danny's place in my heart 24/7 for the rest of my life.  Since my husband passed away last January there are times when I feel I haven't moved, and I can't move and I don't want to move on, not without Danny.  I had great hope for a while when I felt better.  Not only do I absolutely refuse to say good bye to my husband at the same time I simply cannot do it.  Just the thought of saying goodbye to him is causing me physical and emotional turmoil.  I just can't say goodbye to Danny.  I have been saying all along I don't want him to be a memory, I want him here, with me, now. I am physically unable to move forward.  On January 22, 2010 when he passed away, my life stopped, and my spirit died with him.  Everyone is different, and I know everyone has their own way of doing things and can get on with their life, find joy, whatever, which is good.  But for me it's just way too difficult to let him go.  We were together for 39 years, the last three years were a constant ongoing race for him to get better, and now I find myself where I didn't plan on being, suddenly without him, and it's just too hard.  All the running around to stay alive and now, it seems like all the praying, the hospital stays, getting his medicine, giving him medicine, getting groceries so that he'd gain weight, and it feels like everything he went through, his pain, his struggle, and for what, what a waste of time, going through all this pain.  I think sometimes, what the hell was that all about. Now, I'm left alone with my wedding rings, what are they to me now, with him not here, and it all seems so pointless.  I say every day to myself, 'I still can't believe he's gone.'  I don't understand how my thoughts will change.  I know we shouldn't say "never" and "always" but I honestly believe I will always think these thoughts until God takes me Home.  And even if the worst thing happened and I lived and loved life and kept his memory with me, I don't want to have that kind of life, to be happy without Danny with me.  I have been crying a lot lately and didn't want to depress anyone but I just needed to vent.  Sorry to be "debbie downer."

God bless and hugs to you all,

Suzanne

Views: 94

Replies to This Discussion

HUGS to you Suzanne. YOU are special and I am so glad you shared what you are feeling. That to me is what makes this site so real, that we are all going through similar feelings. I can relate to what you shared. I lost my husband Doug nearing 6 weeks now and my spirit died with him. I am so confused with not having family to help me that I am having to answer and take care of the "business" when one loses someone. We never planned, no life insurance, no savings...I feel so lost. Then there is the darn emotional side that people don't realize still exists. I have confidence that there are others out there with outstretched hands,face to face grief support groups ...that can help up step through much of the grief. I believe the first step is sharing and you have. Thank you. God Be With YOU...Tearful HUGS.
HUGS to you Suzanne. YOU are special and I am so glad you shared what you are feeling. That to me is what makes this site so real, that we are all going through similar feelings. I can relate to what you shared. I lost my husband Doug nearing 6 weeks now and my spirit died with him. I am so confused with not having family to help me that I am having to answer and take care of the "business" when one loses someone. We never planned, no life insurance, no savings...I feel so lost. Then there is the darn emotional side that people don't realize still exists. I have confidence that there are others out there with outstretched hands,face to face grief support groups ...that can help up step through much of the grief. I believe the first step is sharing and you have. Thank you. God Be With YOU...Tearful HUGS.
Hello Suzanne, I read your post tonight and can feel your pain. I lost my dear wife on Jan 15 this year.We were married for 36 happy years . The last 4 years full of medical issues for her, never thinking it would come to this so soon.From Nov 2008 to Nov 2009 we knew we were in the battle of out lives, but one we could win. Then last Sept we got the bad news,we were defeated. Hopspice was called in and from Sept. to January all I could do was try to make her as comfotable as possible.There were some agruments as I tried to force her to eat, I was told by the hospice nurse this is a normal reaction from a care giver, but I should not blame myself. All I have been doing the past few months is reliveing what happened on the days one year ago. All I can ask is that Gods helps me get through this holiday season, since I keep thinking what was going on last year on those sad holidays .Bless us all, Jerry
suzanne: i am so glad to see you post on the website. to me you are a very special person i wish i could be as strong was you are maybe in the future i will be like you i agree with you it is very difficult for all some went thru more than others but we will always have the pain ,sorrow and memories suzanne please do not feel that you are depressing anyone here this is the reason we are on this site.you take care and do whatever you have to do debbie downer good ending
Hi All, Well I'm going to explore another avenue here. I understand completely where you are comming from Suzanne. As we know we are all different and have different opinons. I am one that always said there would never be anyone else, never, ever. I have to ask tho, if you came across someone who you became friends with or were friends with and then found that you are so comfortable with each other and could talk about anything and everything including your spouse. I have to ask if you can be open and honest about your feelings and your life with your spouse and not feel you need to pretend that you are over them. Is there anything wrong with trying to find happyness again ? I think if you can both be comfortable talking about your life and not try to change who you or they are and you enjoy each other is it so wrong to want to experence the joy of sharing and careing again. Personally I think and hope you can move into another relationship and not feel you are being disloyal or betraying your spouse. I do think you must be very clear to the other that there is and will always be those feeling for your spouse and if thats a problem then they are not for you. No one should ever, nor should you expect to ever forget what we had with our spouses it can't be done but, it can be possable to be happy with someone new in a new and different way. hugs to all
Suzanne, I just want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings and sadness. I completely understand where you are coming from because I am going through the same things myself. I just do not care about living without my husband. We spent 46 wonderful years together. I am not ready to give that up and although I cannot change things, my life will not be complete again until I am with him again. In the meantime, I just need to go through the motions of living and enjoy my children and grandchildren but life will never be the same.......
/>
Connie I agre with you 100%, life for me will never be the same. I could never love another as I did my dear Karen. If I was in another relationship, I fell I would be shortcahnging them.
jerry: i promised myself if ever anything happened to george i would never ever remarry i have no intension on remarrying he was my first and will be my last. i can find happeniess thru his memories which are all good memories i do not even want to start dating again i guess i am afraid of getting close to someone and then have them be taken away again i could not handle this experience again hugs to all
Dear Ellen,
I am so sorry for your loss. I really really hate it when I felt others on other grief sites seem condescending to me because of what I am about to say to you (that's why I always come back here to legacy) but I can only speak for myself that my emotions and feelings changed, because I hate to say it but you have a very recent loss and I remember now that I was in a fog, although I didn't realize it at the time and the sensitivity and the raw harshness of my loss was more heartfelt in the beginning then it is now, but we never, ever forget the pain, I just feel that my thoughts will remain the same, I don't get it when I hear others say to me 'you'll change your mind' I don't see where I could change how I think. Although I still feel hurt and pain from Danny's memories, the crying can still happen at any given time, but it's just not 24 hours a day, 7 days a week as it was last January. So, I hope you find some peace, and again, you have my deep sympathy for I and all of us truly know how you feel. I will keep you in my prayers.
God bless,
Suzanne

Dear Jerry,
All what you said is so familiar to me and our stories seem very similar. I never thought in a million years from when this nightmare began from when before Dan had his first 9 hour surgery and with it a biopsy for another completely different cancer which was in his esophagus that they got rid of, but it reoccured in his brachial plexus which gradually worsened and eventually led to his demise as the second round of treatments didn't get it. On December 18 of 09, the radiation doctor said that the treatments didn't get the cancer, he didn't know where it would go next, and he didn't know how long Dan had to live. We both left in shock, but still, we both thought we'd go to a healing Mass, and then the miracle would happen. I always thought there would be a cure, treatment, healing, miracle or something, but 35 days after this appt. Danny breathed his last on 1/22/10 and this was so unexpected to me, my memories of Dan are something I will never get over, of all the time we were going to doctors and there was some quiet time amidst the fury. You have even more time of anguish, Jerry, while you did your best in taking care of your wife before your loss and I am really sorry for what you have gone through. You are in my prayers.
God bless,
Suzanne

Dear Marqarita,
I think that all of our pain is the worst to each of us, but I also believe that to have such an unexpected loss must be horrible to endure. My heart goes out to you. We are all in this together and I encourage you to keep sharing and telling anyone who is a support to you who you trust who understands your loss because that is what helped me for these almost 10 months since he passed. Not to mention, God, helped me and brought me to legacy.com which was how I get from one day to the next for which I am grateful. You have a very good attitude, I think of my thankfulness for the times and memories God gave me with Danny, but I know I should thank Him more often that I do. You are in my prayers. I really do pray for everyone here, and I hope you find some peace somehow.
God bless,
Suzanne

Hi Kathy,
I appreciate your support and I am still praying for you and that God is always with you. You have been a very good friend to me and everyone here. I don't know if it's strength I have, as my faith has kept me from going insane, so maybe it just appears to be strength. I hope I have it, God has been so good to me, but as I'm only human, grief always brings anger out in all of us and I am told it's perfectly natural and normal to have anger for the pain, struggle and lonliness we all feel. Thank you for being there and I'll try to post more often as I feel better when I do. You are in my prayers.
God bless,
Suzanne

Hi Virginia,
You are very honest and open and open-minded about how you feel and your words are a comfort to me. I truly believe that you have my best interests at heart and I hope you get what I'm about to say and take it in the 'spirit' in which it is given, but no, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus for me other than Danny. (LoL) He was my only fantasy and now he has been at rest for almost 10 months. The happiness and joy that I was talking about is not with another relationship but only enjoying the people who are my loved ones, children, grandchildren, Danny's sisters, my siblings who all love me, and it's very difficult to give them the love they so deserve from just me, if Dan isn't here with me for us both to love all of them together as a twosome. Sharing my life like I had with Dan is one of a kind. I know others will testify that they are closed to the public from now on, but I do agree with you wholeheartedly that there are some who do find someone else, live their lives to the fullest and I respect them for that. I have a different take on this. I was 17 when I met Dan, we had 39 years together. There is no more adult love for me to give. Danny can't be replaced, I wouldn't want anyone, and trust me, no one would want me the way I look, as I'm no spring chicken, it's just an observation on myself, not a put-down. Besides, I don't have any male friends in my social circles because I don't have any social circles. But, I thank you for the compliment of me being emotionally mature and stable enough to even think I could attract another man. You are really too kind. Hope you didn't take offense at my little joke. God has blessed me enough that I haven't lost my sense of humor yet, which was a part of Danny I will always remember, his bellowing laugh at his own jokes is something every single family member remembers the most about him and I will always love Danny for that.
God bless,
Suzanne
Hi Connie,
You always say the things I need to hear. You may not realize the peace I get from your messages. And from everyone as well. Do you know how much I deeply appreciate your understanding. Maybe you do. But I just wanted to let you know that when I come here and you share your thoughts with me, I feel better and I think of legacy.com as a lifeline. My hospice and grief meetings provide this as well, but it's because you are feeling this pain too and I am really sorry for that. We would never have this kind of peace and know that others are feeling the same if it were not for you and others who share so I am truly grateful to you and everyone here. I remember you in my daily prayers
God bless,
Suzanne

Connie said:
Suzanne, I just want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings and sadness. I completely understand where you are coming from because I am going through the same things myself. I just do not care about living without my husband. We spent 46 wonderful years together. I am not ready to give that up and although I cannot change things, my life will not be complete again until I am with him again. In the meantime, I just need to go through the motions of living and enjoy my children and grandchildren but life will never be the same.......
Suzanne, thank you for your response and yes i took it in the spirt it was intended no offense taken. I might be getting this wrong tho ? I wasn't talking about you per say, i was talking about any one of us that might find themselves in a sistuation as i was describing. hugs
I know it's not time but there are those days when I look at his picture and ask why I just can't go with him. I can not understand how he can just be gone and not be here. He is suppose to be with me. After 33 years he just can't leave, he promised he would never leave me. I can't even imagine loving anyone else. In all our time together I never thought oh I'm married he was just my other part, he was my friend, my support, my courage and my strength, for every thing I did and was for him he was that and then more for me. I have lost my soul! Thank you I have been in tears all day it's been one of those.

RSS

Community Guidelines

Please be respectful of others. For more information, read our Community Guidelines.

Follow Legacy

© 2022   Created by Legacy.com.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service