I never can/will say goodbye to him.

I recently realized what my problem is. Even though I have had ups and downs, taken a step forward and two steps back. I know I'm doing whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. When I go out with family/friends I come back feeling good but I can't depend on anyone to fill Danny's place in my heart 24/7 for the rest of my life. Since my husband passed away last January there are times when I feel I haven't moved, and I can't move and I don't want to move on, not without Danny. I had great hope for a while when I felt better. Not only do I absolutely refuse to say good bye to my husband at the same time I simply cannot do it. Just the thought of saying goodbye to him is causing me physical and emotional turmoil. I just can't say goodbye to Danny. I have been saying all along I don't want him to be a memory, I want him here, with me, now. I am physically unable to move forward. On January 22, 2010 when he passed away, my life stopped, and my spirit died with him. Everyone is different, and I know everyone has their own way of doing things and can get on with their life, find joy, whatever, which is good. But for me it's just way too difficult to let him go. We were together for 39 years, the last three years were a constant ongoing race for him to get better, and now I find myself where I didn't plan on being, suddenly without him, and it's just too hard. All the running around to stay alive and now, it seems like all the praying, the hospital stays, getting his medicine, giving him medicine, getting groceries so that he'd gain weight, and it feels like everything he went through, his pain, his struggle, and for what, what a waste of time, going through all this pain. I think sometimes, what the hell was that all about. Now, I'm left alone with my wedding rings, what are they to me now, with him not here, and it all seems so pointless. I say every day to myself, 'I still can't believe he's gone.' I don't understand how my thoughts will change. I know we shouldn't say "never" and "always" but I honestly believe I will always think these thoughts until God takes me Home. And even if the worst thing happened and I lived and loved life and kept his memory with me, I don't want to have that kind of life, to be happy without Danny with me. I have been crying a lot lately and didn't want to depress anyone but I just needed to vent. Sorry to be "debbie downer."

God bless and hugs to you all,

Suzanne

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Permalink Reply by Suzanne on November 11, 2010 at 6:17pm

Oh! Then please disregard previous message. LoL

Virginia said:

Suzanne, thank you for your response and yes i took it in the spirt it was intended no offense taken. I might be getting this wrong tho ? I wasn't talking about you per say, i was talking about any one of us that might find themselves in a sistuation as i was describing. hugs

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on November 11, 2010 at 6:30pm

Hi Kay,
I know your feelings all too well. I don't mean to be macarbe but sometimes I think the opposite as well. I say to myself as I burst into tears, he shouldn't be where he is, I hate to think of him there. Then, I remember that it's not really him, that is the shell of his personality, his spirit, his soul. And I remember he can never die, he is with me and within me. I can't ever forget him as he is a part of me. What upsets me sometimes is that I know he is with me but I don't feel him with me. I have to open up and let him in, but I don't want to say goodbye (to the physical) but my therapist told me I don't have to say goodbye. Not everyone thinks in the same way, but it made me feel really good when she said that. Someone else told me a few months ago something that has stuck with me in that our loved ones are not dead, they are just different. That doesn't go against my Catholic upbringing because a Priest told me it's allright to talk to our deceased loved ones. That made me feel better, too. But I know we all have our ups and downs. Some days are not as bad as others. Just had these thoughts and wanted to share them with you. Take care.
God bless,
Suzanne

Kay Arcuni said:

I know it's not time but there are those days when I look at his picture and ask why I just can't go with him. I can not understand how he can just be gone and not be here. He is suppose to be with me. After 33 years he just can't leave, he promised he would never leave me. I can't even imagine loving anyone else. In all our time together I never thought oh I'm married he was just my other part, he was my friend, my support, my courage and my strength, for every thing I did and was for him he was that and then more for me. I have lost my soul! Thank you I have been in tears all day it's been one of those.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on November 11, 2010 at 6:55pm

SUZANNE, I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I FOUND THIS SITE IN MAY I THINK. ANYWAY I FEEL LIKE YOU AND A FEW OTHERS HAVE REALLY HELPED ME BECAUSE YOU SPEAK YOUR MIND AND DONT HOLD BACK. I REALLY ADMIRE THAT. I WILL SAY THAT THOUGH YOU MAY NOT REALIZE IT I CAN TELL BY YOUR POSTINGS THAT YOU SOUND LIKE YOU ARE HAVING MORE POSITIVE DAYS THAN BEFORE.THAT HELPS TO GIVE ME HOPE. I NEVER DREAMT THAT I WOULD EVER FIND A MAN THAT LOVED ME AS MUCH AS MY HUSBAND DID. I ONLY HATE THAT IT ONLY LASTED 12 YEARS. IT JUST DOESNT SEEM FAIR TO ME AND I AM STILL DEALING WITH ALOT OF ANGER. I FINALLY MADE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A THERAPIST BECAUSE I FIND MYSELF DEALING WITH ALOT OF ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION. THIS SITE HAS BEEN A GREAT PLACE FOR ME TO COME AND EVEN IF I DONT POST I ALWAYS READ EVERYTHING POSTED. I CAN RELATE TO, SO MUCH THAT YOU HAVE SAID AND MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU , AS IT DOES TO EVERYONE ON THIS SITE BECAUSE I KNOW WE ALL WISH THAT WE NEVER WOULD HAVE HAD TO COME HERE.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on November 11, 2010 at 10:16pm

Hi Cindy,
Thank you for your kind words. I am very thankful that I have you and everyone here to say what I need to in order to fill my need to pour out my soul and be understood. It is so sad that we have to be here, it's true, and we are all in such pain and sorrow. My heart goes out to you and everyone as well. I see some are trying to think positive, everyone has their own perspective, over 700 are here on legacy, some must have left, I guess, or maybe just reading posts, not to mention more than 700 who have lost a child, plus all the other sites I go on seeking solace and an understanding ear so-to-speak. All this sadness seems so overwhelming. You have been helpful to me as well and I thank you for reading and answering my posts. It is very therapeutic for me here to have a place to rant, and share my feelings of anger and depression. By the way, my counselor has helped me and I hope you have the same fortune that I have had. Good luck with that. I keep you in my daily prayers.
God bless,
Suzanne

CINDY POWELL said:

SUZANNE, I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I FOUND THIS SITE IN MAY I THINK. ANYWAY I FEEL LIKE YOU AND A FEW OTHERS HAVE REALLY HELPED ME BECAUSE YOU SPEAK YOUR MIND AND DONT HOLD BACK. I REALLY ADMIRE THAT. I WILL SAY THAT THOUGH YOU MAY NOT REALIZE IT I CAN TELL BY YOUR POSTINGS THAT YOU SOUND LIKE YOU ARE HAVING MORE POSITIVE DAYS THAN BEFORE.THAT HELPS TO GIVE ME HOPE. I NEVER DREAMT THAT I WOULD EVER FIND A MAN THAT LOVED ME AS MUCH AS MY HUSBAND DID. I ONLY HATE THAT IT ONLY LASTED 12 YEARS. IT JUST DOESNT SEEM FAIR TO ME AND I AM STILL DEALING WITH ALOT OF ANGER. I FINALLY MADE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A THERAPIST BECAUSE I FIND MYSELF DEALING WITH ALOT OF ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION. THIS SITE HAS BEEN A GREAT PLACE FOR ME TO COME AND EVEN IF I DONT POST I ALWAYS READ EVERYTHING POSTED. I CAN RELATE TO, SO MUCH THAT YOU HAVE SAID AND MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU , AS IT DOES TO EVERYONE ON THIS SITE BECAUSE I KNOW WE ALL WISH THAT WE NEVER WOULD HAVE HAD TO COME HERE.

Permalink Reply by marlene westerlund on November 11, 2010 at 11:11pm

If the love wasn't so strong, then the pain wouldn't be so strong either
hole in my heart in the shape of my husband

Permalink Reply by John M on November 12, 2010 at 7:20pm

Suzanne,
I know what you mean about not wanting your husband to become a memory. I lost my wife under similar circumstances 6 months ago and the thought of her fading away haunts me. Everyone says that you have to keep living and move on. I think about her always. If I move on, it will have to mean pushing her to the back of my mind where I just don't think about her much. I won't do this. Does moving on even exist? Or are they just empty words? Do you believe your husband is in heaven? Has he moved on to amazing, wonderful things that we can't even fathom? There is no death... only different stages of life and death is the doorway to eternity. God Bless you!

Permalink Reply by Jerry on November 12, 2010 at 10:15pm

Hello John, I too lost my wife to cancer 10 months ago. It has not ben easy,I dont want to ever stop remembering her. Here is something I have saved from another grief site,,regards Jerry
Our whole concept of life is forever being directed outward, whether that focus be on our loved ones, our possessions, our future, yet it takes the 'death' of a loved one that provides us with the perfect opportunity to seek within.
The truth is, that everything and everyone APPEARS to be separate from us, the reality is that we are ALL ONE, now what exactly does that mean? does it mean that we are all one in thoughts? clearly, not! Does it mean that we are all one in deed? obviously not!
Does it mean that we are all one physically? most definately no!
The only reality is LOVE, it is love that unites us with our loved ones, it is not the physical union that is love, the physical union is a SYMBOL of that love, we have mistaken the SYMBOLS to be the real deal, so when that symbolic form has been removed we yearn for it because we haven't recognised the reality of that loved ones essence and that essence is YOUR essence, we are ALL SPIRIT, that is our essence and that is where we are ONE, we have embarked on a human experience, an experience of separateness, so the irony is, that when we are inhabiting the physical form we are separate from one another, it is only upon the release of the spirit within that we are united totally again, you experience the "missing" because YOU are still experiencing the human/physical level of being, your goal is to TRANSCEND that experience.
We mistakenly believe that we must wait until our own death before we can experience union with them again, that is only true if you continue to believe you have been separated from them, "YOU ARE WHAT YOU BELIEVE" the ironic reality is that you are CLOSER to them NOW than you have ever been, but your conditioning prevents you from recognising them. I can honestly say that I can feel my mothers presence throughout my entire being, it is this experience that transcends the limited physical level of being, although im aware of her within me, I still have the human experience to complete, so in a sense i have a foot in both worlds.
Once you recognise your true being and realise what and who you are, you will understand what that zen master meant when he said "............you MERGE with the way things are"
In other words, our loved ones have already MERGED with us, they are taking every step you take, they are feeling every emotion you feel, they are WITHIN you, your goal is to merge with them, while you sit there and read these words they are infusing your entire being, your love for each other is and will always be eternally present.
Close you eyes, put a hand on each arm, caress yourself and know you are hugging and being hugged by the very person you think has been taken away from you, take a deep breath and feel their very essence merging with yours.

The reason you are not allowed to get used to the physical form is because you must transcend it, if the process that we call 'death' does not occur, then we become complacent and relax in it, as Ive pointed out before, if a force did not take over at the moment of an infants birth and cast it out, that child would stay exactly where it is, feeling secure, protected and nourished and then what do you think would be the outcome for the mother as well as the baby?
Life is TRANSFORMATION, its a process, it does not come to an end, its constantly evolving beyond its present form, if obstruction occurs, stagnation is born, your physical form as well as your loved ones form is the womb of the spirit which is intended for higher realms and those realms are within you not "up there".
Their very passing is your kick start into spiritual motion

Permalink Reply by Barbara Roth on November 12, 2010 at 10:31pm

Suzanne, It has only been 3 weeks since I lost Jim. It feels like a lifetime ago. I miss him so much. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better, I don't see how. Everything I did for the last 38 yrs revolved around Jim and now he's gone. Our daughters called us co-dependent, and we loved it. He fought so hard to stay with me. All the surgeries, chemo and radiation. The only slight comfort I have is that I do believe Jim is in heaven, that he is pain-free. I just wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him, and if he is upset to see me so torn up. People tell me life goes on -- this isn't life. I know this hurt will always be here, no matter how much time goes on. I will always love Jim and miss him. Take care.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on November 12, 2010 at 10:51pm

barbara, just wanted to comment on something you said about your daughters calling us co-dependent. my husband and i used to laugh at how co-dependent we were on each other. only now that he is gone i realize that i was even more co-dependent on him. he would have done so much better than i am, if i would have gone first. he was so worried about leaving me alone, because i truly believe he knew how hard it would be on me. you are still so new to all of this, it is very understandable how you are feeling. i wish that none of us had to feel this unbearable pain. i will keep you in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by Jerry on November 13, 2010 at 7:00am

<>
My wife and I were dependent on each other in many ways. She was like part of me, and after all the years togther we really thought alike. Boy how I miss her. One thing that she used to say,way before she ever got sick that she wished she would pass on before me. She may have thought this would since her dad and mom passed away at a young age,my parents lived into their 80's. I used to tell her this was nonsense,as I am 5 years older then her. And that she would be fine, just to not use the same mattress when she found a new guy to replace me. She would always give me a smack and tell me to cut it out. Wel at least I have many great memories to keep me going. Regards to all that are hurting as I am especilly over the up comining holiday period. Going to the cemetery today and put some flowers down for her.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on November 13, 2010 at 5:29pm