Well, It's almost near 12 am and I always hoped I'd never feel self-pity being a person who believes it's an offense against God but I think He may understand as He is my Creator after all. Don't mean to bring my beliefs into a secular group but that's just who I am.  I am going to bed soon but wanted to let you all know I still remember each of you in my prayers.  I have been feeling more lonely, and full of self-pity than I've ever felt.  I am isolating and I cancelled cable today so after the guy came and left with the box I can't get the TV to work so I have nothing to stare at right now.  After midnight which will be the 16th of September it will be just another day, but it would have been my husband's 62nd birthday so I am so depressed I decided I will just fast and pray for the entire day and not even try to turn on the TV.  Turning on the TV is the only thing I used to do, so after I come back from the Widow's meeting, I'll be bored out of my mind.  In the morning I will go to the early Mass as I asked to have it said in honor of his birthday.  I thought at least I'd do that much for the man I've been with and loved for the last 39 years, but I'm not celebrating this day.  Why would I celebrate as I think I have never been less happy in my entire life.  How can I celebrate with a heart that's broken.  Anyway, just thought I'd keep in touch with you all. Sorry if any of you who are taking the honorable route and trying to get through your grief.  I am just inconsolable and utterly defeated.  Who am I but only one person among many.  There are millions and millions who have lost their loved ones and are grieving and trying to help themselves go through (grief work?) but I am incapable.  I hope you are all doing ok or at least better than me.  Take care.

God bless,

Suzanne

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi Suzanne, I too have a sad day. I am sorry for your loss and the grief that we have been put in. I was lucky for 44 years and lost my pal LouAnn. I am lost and alone and cant seem to function anymore. Sometimes the postings here are like they are coming out of my mouth. Sometimes we dont know what to say. Some of us have a wonderful way of saying things. But, all of us share the same world we are left to fend with, alone and without meaning and pupose. I still remember all of us too. Hugs to you and to all. Hugs are good. I can give you that. I can relate and share. Its mostly negative but what else is new ? Hang in there. We are all here for each other. I will try to be on much later Thursday. A busy and sad day coming up.
Hi Suzanne,

It is 6:00am, I can't sleep so I made coffee and decided to get on the computer and have coffee with my new friends.
It made me sad to read your post. Obviously, since it is your husband's birthday, this would naturally be a sad day for you. I will say a prayer for you today, that you make it through the day, and tomorrow will be better for you. You don't say how long your husband has been gone, mine died on May 1.
You don't say why you canceled the cable, but with Winter coming you may want something to distract your thoughts once in a while. Also, reading has helped me. I have went to garage sales and the goodwill and picked up some books. Inspirational books help a lot. I don't know if you like to walk, but I do, and when the butterflies fly just by face, I smile, because I believe its my husband letting me know he is walking with me.
What a wonderful jesture to have a Mass in your husbands honor today for his Birthday. That alone should bring you some joy.
By the way, you are not " utterly defeated, you are just understandably having a meltdown day. You will be in my thoughts and prayers today Suzanne...God be with you.

Nancy
Hi Nancy,
On the 22nd of Sept. it will be 8 months that my husband passed away. He took his last breath on January 22, 2010 very early morning about 3:30 but the official time was 5:40 a.m. on record. I had to cancel the cable because Dan's sister talked me and him into getting the cable for a year contract and the bill was sent to her because we are on a fixed income. It was purely coincidental that the last day ended yesterday so I had to have the tech pick up the box right on that day because if somone cancels before the year contract is up it is a $100 fee and if they were to pick it up after the year was up the bill would still go to his sister and it would have been 20 more dollars monthly. She only got it for Dan (and I) because he gradually couldn't get around much due to the cancer and she used to take us out but since he liked to watch certain channels like the country & western music, Elvis songs, old movies and religious programming she got a special deal and she wanted to pay. She has been more than generous, kind, and thoughtful and loved her brother very much (as did his other sisters) I had to make sure that they picked up the cable box exactly on that day. Now I must have someone come in to get the local channels for me as they're not coming in even though the converter box is hooked up. This makes it easier to not watch TV on his birthday. I know it seems kind of immature of me at the age of 57 but I feel adament about not celebrating when he is unable to celebrate what would have been his 62nd birthday. No matter what happened to him, I always thought he would get through it somehow and never realized in a million years that he would be gone before this birthday. You are right that I'm not utterly defeated but that's how I feel. Anyway, thank you for your reply and your prayers which are very much appreciated. Take care.
God bless,
Suzanne
Nancy Satterthwaite said:
Hi Suzanne,

It is 6:00am, I can't sleep so I made coffee and decided to get on the computer and have coffee with my new friends.
It made me sad to read your post. Obviously, since it is your husband's birthday, this would naturally be a sad day for you. I will say a prayer for you today, that you make it through the day, and tomorrow will be better for you. You don't say how long your husband has been gone, mine died on May 1.
You don't say why you canceled the cable, but with Winter coming you may want something to distract your thoughts once in a while. Also, reading has helped me. I have went to garage sales and the goodwill and picked up some books. Inspirational books help a lot. I don't know if you like to walk, but I do, and when the butterflies fly just by face, I smile, because I believe its my husband letting me know he is walking with me.
What a wonderful jesture to have a Mass in your husbands honor today for his Birthday. That alone should bring you some joy.
By the way, you are not " utterly defeated, you are just understandably having a meltdown day. You will be in my thoughts and prayers today Suzanne...God be with you.

Nancy
Hi Randolph,
I am sorry that you are having a sad day as well, although I feel every day is a sad day, some are just sadder than others. It is such a good thing to hear someone say that they were lucky to have their loved one for as long as you have. I can't bring myself to thank God for the 39 years that Dan and I had together. Even though I have always had gratitude for everything and thankful for when he was with me it is very very difficult for me to say that I am grateful for the time we had because I cannot accept his passing. I understand perfectly about how you feel because I think that nothing means anything to me now, but I do believe He has a purpose for me. I just wish He would let His will be known to me and that I can finish whatever He wants me to do here so that check out day comes sooner rather than later. I remember you in my daily prayers and send ((hugs)) to you. Please take care.
God bless,
Suzanne
Randolph L. Schrader said:
Hi Suzanne, I too have a sad day. I am sorry for your loss and the grief that we have been put in. I was lucky for 44 years and lost my pal LouAnn. I am lost and alone and cant seem to function anymore. Sometimes the postings here are like they are coming out of my mouth. Sometimes we dont know what to say. Some of us have a wonderful way of saying things. But, all of us share the same world we are left to fend with, alone and without meaning and pupose. I still remember all of us too. Hugs to you and to all. Hugs are good. I can give you that. I can relate and share. Its mostly negative but what else is new ? Hang in there. We are all here for each other. I will try to be on much later Thursday. A busy and sad day coming up.
Suzanne,

It must be even more stressful to be on a fixed income and have your husband's income taken away. I know it made a huge difference in my life. I understand about these cable companies, they have these auto renew contracts that be very difficult to get out of, if your not on top of it.

I know you feel totally defeated, I just was trying to cheer you up a little. Only you know how to handle these special sad days that we all go through. What works for one, may not for someone else. When I was up early this morning and read your post, I felt really bad for you.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you Suzanne.



Suzanne said:
Hi Nancy,
On the 22nd of Sept. it will be 8 months that my husband passed away. He took his last breath on January 22, 2010 very early morning about 3:30 but the official time was 5:40 a.m. on record. I had to cancel the cable because Dan's sister talked me and him into getting the cable for a year contract and the bill was sent to her because we are on a fixed income. It was purely coincidental that the last day ended yesterday so I had to have the tech pick up the box right on that day because if somone cancels before the year contract is up it is a $100 fee and if they were to pick it up after the year was up the bill would still go to his sister and it would have been 20 more dollars monthly. She only got it for Dan (and I) because he gradually couldn't get around much due to the cancer and she used to take us out but since he liked to watch certain channels like the country & western music, Elvis songs, old movies and religious programming she got a special deal and she wanted to pay. She has been more than generous, kind, and thoughtful and loved her brother very much (as did his other sisters) I had to make sure that they picked up the cable box exactly on that day. Now I must have someone come in to get the local channels for me as they're not coming in even though the converter box is hooked up. This makes it easier to not watch TV on his birthday. I know it seems kind of immature of me at the age of 57 but I feel adament about not celebrating when he is unable to celebrate what would have been his 62nd birthday. No matter what happened to him, I always thought he would get through it somehow and never realized in a million years that he would be gone before this birthday. You are right that I'm not utterly defeated but that's how I feel. Anyway, thank you for your reply and your prayers which are very much appreciated. Take care.
God bless,
Suzanne
Nancy Satterthwaite said:
Hi Suzanne,

It is 6:00am, I can't sleep so I made coffee and decided to get on the computer and have coffee with my new friends.
It made me sad to read your post. Obviously, since it is your husband's birthday, this would naturally be a sad day for you. I will say a prayer for you today, that you make it through the day, and tomorrow will be better for you. You don't say how long your husband has been gone, mine died on May 1.
You don't say why you canceled the cable, but with Winter coming you may want something to distract your thoughts once in a while. Also, reading has helped me. I have went to garage sales and the goodwill and picked up some books. Inspirational books help a lot. I don't know if you like to walk, but I do, and when the butterflies fly just by face, I smile, because I believe its my husband letting me know he is walking with me.
What a wonderful jesture to have a Mass in your husbands honor today for his Birthday. That alone should bring you some joy.
By the way, you are not " utterly defeated, you are just understandably having a meltdown day. You will be in my thoughts and prayers today Suzanne...God be with you.

Nancy
Suzanne,

It must be even more stressful to be on a fixed income and have your husband's income taken away. I know it made a huge difference in my life. I understand about these cable companies, they have these auto renew contracts that be very difficult to get out of, if your not on top of it.

I know you feel totally defeated, I just was trying to cheer you up a little. Only you know how to handle these special sad days that we all go through. What works for one, may not for someone else. When I was up early this morning and read your post, I felt really bad for you.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you Suzanne.



Suzanne said:
Hi Nancy,
On the 22nd of Sept. it will be 8 months that my husband passed away. He took his last breath on January 22, 2010 very early morning about 3:30 but the official time was 5:40 a.m. on record. I had to cancel the cable because Dan's sister talked me and him into getting the cable for a year contract and the bill was sent to her because we are on a fixed income. It was purely coincidental that the last day ended yesterday so I had to have the tech pick up the box right on that day because if somone cancels before the year contract is up it is a $100 fee and if they were to pick it up after the year was up the bill would still go to his sister and it would have been 20 more dollars monthly. She only got it for Dan (and I) because he gradually couldn't get around much due to the cancer and she used to take us out but since he liked to watch certain channels like the country & western music, Elvis songs, old movies and religious programming she got a special deal and she wanted to pay. She has been more than generous, kind, and thoughtful and loved her brother very much (as did his other sisters) I had to make sure that they picked up the cable box exactly on that day. Now I must have someone come in to get the local channels for me as they're not coming in even though the converter box is hooked up. This makes it easier to not watch TV on his birthday. I know it seems kind of immature of me at the age of 57 but I feel adament about not celebrating when he is unable to celebrate what would have been his 62nd birthday. No matter what happened to him, I always thought he would get through it somehow and never realized in a million years that he would be gone before this birthday. You are right that I'm not utterly defeated but that's how I feel. Anyway, thank you for your reply and your prayers which are very much appreciated. Take care.
God bless,
Suzanne
Nancy Satterthwaite said:
Hi Suzanne,

It is 6:00am, I can't sleep so I made coffee and decided to get on the computer and have coffee with my new friends.
It made me sad to read your post. Obviously, since it is your husband's birthday, this would naturally be a sad day for you. I will say a prayer for you today, that you make it through the day, and tomorrow will be better for you. You don't say how long your husband has been gone, mine died on May 1.
You don't say why you canceled the cable, but with Winter coming you may want something to distract your thoughts once in a while. Also, reading has helped me. I have went to garage sales and the goodwill and picked up some books. Inspirational books help a lot. I don't know if you like to walk, but I do, and when the butterflies fly just by face, I smile, because I believe its my husband letting me know he is walking with me.
What a wonderful jesture to have a Mass in your husbands honor today for his Birthday. That alone should bring you some joy.
By the way, you are not " utterly defeated, you are just understandably having a meltdown day. You will be in my thoughts and prayers today Suzanne...God be with you.

Nancy
Next week would have been my wife Karens 56th birthday. we were also togeter for 39 years and married for almost 36 when she passed. I do plane to celebrate her birthday. I will visit with flowers at the cemetry,then later in the day have my dauther and grandchildren over for a birthday cake. My son and family will most likely not be part of this, they are not as spiritual as us. Seems my daughters little daughter 4 yrs old, who was very close to my wife always talks about her grandma like she is with her. It always brings a smile to our faces. Take care of youself as good as you can.I am sure that is what your husband would want you to do.
dear suzanne..birthdays are tough..its the easiest to lock ourselves up in our homes and miss the person who was our everything and depending on the time together all we know and who knew us and accepted us unconditionally...i truly understand ..i will say prayers for you ..always think back to when the lord carries us there is only one set of footprints when we can no longer do the walk alone.call to him and the lord will hear and belive that tomorrow on your husbands birthday something will come to pass that gives you joy ..something that will be from him.and you will know when you see it or smell it or hear it. take care and know you are not alone.
Dear Debbie,
Thank you for your prayers. I got through the 16th somehow. It was thoughtful of you to reply and it is really appreciated. I got a call from his sisters and my son stopped by to fix the TV for me because I had to cancel my cable the day before and my other son called. So I had some distractions and during the day when my sister gave me a ride to the Widow's meeting she stopped at the cemetery and I buried a birthday poem I wrote for him. One of his sisters who sent an email said it was a sad day for her too. I didn't have the heart to tell her that every day is a sad day for me, just some days are sadder then others. I didn't want to depress her further. One day at a time, I guess. Thanks again. Take care.
God bless,
Suzanne


debbie said:
dear suzanne..birthdays are tough..its the easiest to lock ourselves up in our homes and miss the person who was our everything and depending on the time together all we know and who knew us and accepted us unconditionally...i truly understand ..i will say prayers for you ..always think back to when the lord carries us there is only one set of footprints when we can no longer do the walk alone.call to him and the lord will hear and belive that tomorrow on your husbands birthday something will come to pass that gives you joy ..something that will be from him.and you will know when you see it or smell it or hear it. take care and know you are not alone.

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