I Wish....

I wish LouAnn was still here.I wish that my pal and confidant was here. I wish that I could have the meals that only she could make and that I will never eat again.I wish for her way of knowing the mood I was in and the way she could tell if my back was really hurting.I wish for the caring and understanding that always was there and is now gone.I wish for the friends and family who disappeared when she died suddenly.I wish that I could smile and laugh and have some contentment.I wish to have some enjoyment once again. I wish that I could be the man and human being I once was.I wish that all of the deaths that have happened to me in the last 17 months didnt happen.I wish that I could "strut my stuff",be happy, show off and be myself.I wish that I could find a reason,a purpose and a meaning now in life.I wish that peolple would give "two hoots" about me and what its like now to be alone and empty.I wish that there was that touching and holding and talking and that some one who had the same thought that you had at the same time.I miss going anywhere without company riding along with me.I miss these and many more that there are.I wish I could be more positive.I wish my heart,soul and sprit was back and intact. Guess I am feeling down.

I wish I could hold each and everyone of you and tell you "its okay.its ok". I thank so much for this site. I thank you all for being here to share all of our problems. Our ups and downs. Our good and bad things. Just to listen and not judgemental and critisize

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Permalink Reply by Nancy Satterthwaite on October 6, 2010 at 6:30pm

Randolph,

Oh do I wish we could bring back these loves of our lives, and pretend we never went through what we did with our pain and grief. Unfortunately we can''t change what has happened, nor how much our lives have changed because of it. I too, like Barb, see more positive postings from you lately. That is good, it shows you are healing, and taking baby steps to accept the life you now have without the physical being of LouAnn. You know, she is with you in spirit, and I am sure she worries about you from time to time. Like Mary said, we all "give a Hoot" about you, and want you to find some peace and joy in this life while you are still on this earth.
I know how hard it is, daily I have to think of what the day is going to be like in my new life. I don't even have the home we shared to enjoy any memories, unlike you who can still have LouAnn's clothes on the sweeper handle. Everything changed for me, no job, ( I retired,) no home, (sold it two weeks before Don died,) and no husband who was my best friend and companion.
Have you heard of the Serenity Prayer? It helps me when I go through difficult times.
It goes like this;
God, grant me the grace to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You know you may have to accept the things you cannot change like the 17 deaths this last year, but you can change things like Strutting your stuff, be happy, show off, and be yourself. Those things are all in your control.
I hope I didn't offend you, I am not judging or criticizing, I really care about you, and it makes me sad to read posts like the one above.

Take care Randolph
Nancy

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on October 6, 2010 at 6:42pm

Thank you Barb,Mary and Connie and to everyone. Connie, I am sorry its time for you to have those "special times" coming up to have to relive.The pain just never stops and I know how devistated we have become.Those special times,good and bad, continue the grief that we carry.They say its part of the healing process.I dont know about that but I do know this.God has to awfully proud of us for enduring our loss,pain and suffering.We are showing him just how we loved and lived and how much we cared for our spouses. But the after effects we must live thru are unbearable.Remember, through us our spouse will always be there and be remembered.We all know the love we have and shall always have.We must carry it on alone and that is unknown. How is it possible ? Thank you Steve Cain for this site that we can come to and share with each other. I think a big group hug is in order. Group hug for all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on October 6, 2010 at 6:59pm

Nancy, thank you for your kind message I am not offended from any of this. That Serenity Prayer is the things I ask God for nightly.I am sorry that your enviorment has changed,house,ect..Yes, I have her clothes where she put them. Her singing voice on CD. I have all the reminders of her everywhere I look and everything that I touch.I have her perfume bottles with her smell. I have all these things and same house,ect. or differant house and surroundings, the bottom line is I dont have her.Alone is alone. I cant "strut my thing",show off, enjoy.Only emptiness exists now. Only on this site can we relate and understand. Yes, I am having a "down" day.It makes me sad to post like this too. But I am only expressing my emotions and sharing to the people who have their doubts about what to say.Hugs to you.Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on October 6, 2010 at 8:14pm

I have been reading several of your posts Randolph and see that you spend alot of your energy helping us feel better. We so appreciate that but know that today was your day to have an off day. We need to be able to give back and try to give you some comfort too. This "healing process" is a difficult one in that it seems to hit each and every one of us in different ways. I've read some of these posts and see that some that are on their second or third years are still feeling much the same pain as those of us still in our first years. It has to get better someday. Each day I pray that it will be better and some days it is but I don't want to feel guilty for having a bad day either at any point. I miss mine so much and know that you miss LouAnn very much. We must keep our happy memories with us to keep us going. Thank yu for being here..

Randolph L. Schrader said:

Nancy, thank you for your kind message I am not offended from any of this. That Serenity Prayer is the things I ask God for nightly.I am sorry that your enviorment has changed,house,ect..Yes, I have her clothes where she put them. Her singing voice on CD. I have all the reminders of her everywhere I look and everything that I touch.I have her perfume bottles with her smell. I have all these things and same house,ect. or differant house and surroundings, the bottom line is I dont have her.Alone is alone. I cant "strut my thing",show off, enjoy.Only emptiness exists now. Only on this site can we relate and understand. Yes, I am having a "down" day.It makes me sad to post like this too. But I am only expressing my emotions and sharing to the people who have their doubts about what to say.Hugs to you.Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on October 6, 2010 at 8:29pm

Thank you Kathy King, you have lifted me up a bit. Yes, I am having a "down" day. Yes, I hate posting sadness and despair.Unfortunately many of us have that. There are some bright spots here and there. This site and the friends here are a very big bright spot.Hugs to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on October 6, 2010 at 8:45pm

Dear Raymond,
I wish I knew what to say to you. The pain for us all is the same but we are all on our individual paths. I pray for you daily and hope you find your way. I believe LouAnn is with you, and while it is painful, and difficult and we hurt, we need to heal, and in my opinion, each and every one of us has to find our own way to healing, and in order to do that we need to be open (and this includes me) open to ask whoever will listen to us how to do it, open to be willing to be willing to heal. I feel your sadness for I am sad too, I really know how you feel. But you need to heal. Dare I say we can't go backwards, only forward. It really is so hard, I know it is. I understand. But you and I and all of us need to heal from the wounds in our hearts.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by bc on October 6, 2010 at 8:54pm

Way to go Randy! I am glad to see that you are starting to heal somewhat, you are so right when you said that God has to be awfully proud of us. You are also so right when you said that through us our spouses will always be here and be remembered. Thanks for the kind words and I'm all for the big group hug! Thanks for your great post!

Randolph L. Schrader said:

Thank you Barb,Mary and Connie and to everyone. Connie, I am sorry its time for you to have those "special times" coming up to have to relive.The pain just never stops and I know how devistated we have become.Those special times,good and bad, continue the grief that we carry.They say its part of the healing process.I dont know about that but I do know this.God has to awfully proud of us for enduring our loss,pain and suffering.We are showing him just how we loved and lived and how much we cared for our spouses. But the after effects we must live thru are unbearable.Remember, through us our spouse will always be there and be remembered.We all know the love we have and shall always have.We must carry it on alone and that is unknown. How is it possible ? Thank you Steve Cain for this site that we can come to and share with each other. I think a big group hug is in order. Group hug for all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Marlena on October 6, 2010 at 9:42pm

Randolph,

I wish for all of those things for you as well. If only none of us needed this site. Not that I wouldn't have wanted to "meet" you, but only under different circumstances. But because we have no control over most things in our lives right now (at least it feels that way most days) I am glad you are here and that we've had a chance to share something that only a few (okay, there's a whole lot more than a few) can share and competely understand.

You keep sharing with us on your down days because we will be here to pick you up, no matter what!

Thanks for being there when we need you most, too. I think there has been a soft spot created in all of our hearts just for you! We would all be lost without you here. Keep sharing your stories and love for LouAnn.

I hope you can find a little glimmer of hope to carry you through today.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on October 6, 2010 at 11:16pm

Suzanne,Barb,Marlena, thank you for your support. I hope that I can be of help to some of the people on this site. But you know how it can be for us as the days go by. I do know of all the positive and good that I have had and can see. My God, I had my wife for 44 years.It was always "me and you kid". Wow,bless her heart.She helped over 75 people being an organ donar. We should all be proud of our spouses and like I said, through us they will always be here and they will live on. Hugs to all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on October 6, 2010 at 11:34pm

75 people were helped by LouAnn. That is wonderful. I was so proud when my Bill signed his donor card but in the end he didn't have anything they could use, but he wanted to and that was important too. His legacy has been a good one. My children now donate blood every chance they can as do many more of my family and friends. Be proud Randolph. Your LouAnn lives on in the lives of so many.

Randolph L. Schrader said:

Suzanne,Barb,Marlena, thank you for your support. I hope that I can be of help to some of the people on this site. But you know how it can be for us as the days go by. I do know of all the positive and good that I have had and can see. My God, I had my wife for 44 years.It was always "me and you kid". Wow,bless her heart.She helped over 75 people being an organ donar. We should all be proud of our spouses and like I said, through us they will always be here and they will live on. Hugs to all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on October 7, 2010 at 12:58am

Thank you Kathy King. Most people think of major organs when donating. But they use muscle,bone,tendon,skin and corneas. She made a blind person see. They are near sided but can see.Hugs to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on October 7, 2010 at 5:03am

Hi Suzanne, you really sound so good, keep taking those steps and one day at a time. hugs
Suzanne said:

Dear Raymond,
I wish I knew what to say to you. The pain for us all is the same but we are all on our individual paths. I pray for you daily and hope you find your way. I believe LouAnn is with you, and while it is painful, and difficult and we hurt, we need to heal, and in my opinion, each and every one of us has to find our own way to healing, and in order to do that we need to be open (and this includes me) open to ask whoever will listen to us how to do it, open to be willing to be willing to heal. I feel your sadness for I am sad too, I really know how you feel. But you need to heal. Dare I say we can't go backwards, only forward. It really is so hard, I know it is. I understand. But you and I and all of us need to heal from the wounds in our hearts.
God bless,
Suzanne