Im still waiting for him to come home.

My husband Frank died June 18, 2010 at the age of 48 from cancer. We have 3 children and I am a robot. I go about my business everyday doing what I have to do to care for my kids. I feel like im gutted. There is no me. I cry myself to sleep everynight because he is not next to me. Everynight we would get into bed, I would put my head on his lap and he would stroke my hair and we would watch TV and talk about our day. That was our time. My body actually ache with real pain that I dont have him near me, and I dont mean in a sexual way just to have him by my side. I am trying very hard to be strong for my kids but I am shattered. The doctors kept telling us it was bad and I thought I was prepared but its like he got hit by a bus. He never accepted his death sentence and we never spoke of the possibility he would leave me. In his final moments I told him it was OK to go and it was like shutting off a light switch he just stopped. He didnt slow down just stopped. I told him it was OK which it really wasnt but he never told me he would be OK. I always took care of him...even before he was sick for the last 20 years I did everything for him and now I worry about him not being taken care of. I know I should trust god to care for him but god didnt listen to my prayers when I begged him not to take Frank from me. Everyone keeps telling me to trust gods plan...if this is a plan its a pretty messed up one. I go to the cemetery everyday because I have to tend to his grave and make sure he is OK (which I know is nuts..where is he going to go) but I have to go. The holidays are coming now and I know I have to celebrate somehow for my kids, theyre still young. I dont know what will become of me...there are days I have to actually convince myself that this is real and this really did happen and hes not coming home. Everything is in my house where he left it. I cant move anything. My mother in law says Im making my house a shrine. I cant make like he wasnt here! He was here and we had a life together and I vow he will never be forgotten. I just wish there was some way for me to get peace to know he is with me and hes OK. I wish he would come to me in a dream or something. It breaks my heart to see my kids hurt so much and I cant make it better. To say life is unfair is an understatement. There are so many people that want to die...Frank wanted to live, he never would have left me if he had a choice. I dont care what kind of paradise he may be in now, I know he would rather be with me and our kids. I just dont know what I do now....how do I go on each day. My family and friends think Im nuts and dont get it. When will I stop looking at the front door waiting for him to come home?

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Permalink Reply by Ellen Brant on November 18, 2010 at 10:01pm

You are not alone...I have cried all night and day again waiting Doug to come home. I cry myself to sleep that way hugging his pillow. I am lost. I dread the holidays. I haven't any family so possibly no one will even think about me and I can hide under a blanket. HUGS and prayers to all.

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on November 18, 2010 at 10:11pm

Thank you Suzanne!

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on November 18, 2010 at 10:15pm

Ellen, Your not alone..We are all like family here. Dont hide I will look for you! Anytime you need to talk or feel alone I am here. We can help each other through. Please know I am thinking about you. Dont cry yourself to sleep you have a friend here! Renee

Permalink Reply by Ellen Brant on November 18, 2010 at 11:18pm

Thanks so much Renee. Life is just so empty for me. You are encouraging and I am grateful this site is here. I hope to be able to be strong for others too. Prayers. Hugs.

Renee Semo said:

Ellen, Your not alone..We are all like family here. Dont hide I will look for you! Anytime you need to talk or feel alone I am here. We can help each other through. Please know I am thinking about you. Dont cry yourself to sleep you have a friend here! Renee

Permalink Reply by Ellen Brant on November 18, 2010 at 11:18pm

Thanks so much Renee. Life is just so empty for me. You are encouraging and I am grateful this site is here. I hope to be able to be strong for others too. Prayers. Hugs.

Renee Semo said:

Ellen, Your not alone..We are all like family here. Dont hide I will look for you! Anytime you need to talk or feel alone I am here. We can help each other through. Please know I am thinking about you. Dont cry yourself to sleep you have a friend here! Renee

Permalink Reply by Kyle Snow on November 30, 2010 at 11:17am

Dear Renee:

I am very sorry to hear about the passing of your dear husband. I know loosing someone in death that is close to you can cause great pain and sorrow. Many do wonder, why does God allow suffering? Please be assured that Jehovah God it not the cause of any of the suffering in this world nor does he like seeing you cry and weep. James 1: 13 tells us, “When under trial, let no one say: ‘I am being tried by God.’ For with evil things God cannot be tried nor does he himself try anyone. It was never in Jehovah's plans that we die or suffer. Remember that he placed Adam and Eve in a wonderful paradise here on Earth - paradise which he stills wants us to enjoy. We can also find comfort to know that when someone that we love dies no longer suffer anymore nor are “they conscious of anything” as mention at Ecclesiastes 9:5. What a wonderful time it will be when we will see and live with our dear resurrected ones on peaceful conditions on the earth forever (John 5:28, 29; Psalm 37:11). May these promises from the Bible comfort you during your time of loss. Kyle

Permalink Reply by Jane D. on November 30, 2010 at 2:21pm

I wish I could help. Nothing anyone said helped me. I talked to my pastor, my doctor, and a counselor. Chip died January 27, 2009, four days before his 57th birthday. He had T-Cell CLL, very rare, but his brother matched him perfectly and he was to receive a bone marrow transplant. Long story short, the cancer went to his brain, he was admitted to the hospital on January 21st to prepare for the transplant, but he became infected with sepsis, everything shut down and he died. I had no idea he was going to die, thought he'd get the transplant and everything would be fine. I was told the first year is the hardest. That's not so. Dealing with life gets less hard - but I think of him almost every minute of the day. I miss him as much now as before, possibly more. Now I have friends and family wondering why I'm not dating. Good golly - they really don't get it.

I am so sorry for our losses. I found out that grief sites did not help me, although I do check on this one occasionally. Grief sites keep me from moving on, they keep me anchored to the pain. I have two dogs that have kept me sane and kept me from doing anything foolish.

I haven't packed away any of Chip's things. I've been able to give away a few of his things, but everything else is the same. I just don't want to deal with it. Nor do I want his dresser empty, or his nightstand not holding his belongings. One of these days.

Hugs and blessings to all.
Jane

Permalink Reply by Maureen on November 30, 2010 at 6:53pm

Renee I am so sorry. I lost my husband May 9th and I'm still no better the pain is just unbearable and I'm sorry but know one gets it unless they've lost a spouse too. I wish I could say it gets easier but I still wait for Steve to open the front door and come back home to me. my sympathy Renee