It's been 5 weeks.

I lost my husband 5 weeks ago. I just found this site and have been reading some of your posts. My heart goes out to all of you. My husband was diagnosed with cancer and the doctors said he probably had about 18 months to live. That was almost 5 years ago. I feel so blessed that we had so much more time than predicted. He was so positive and carried on his life as if nothing was wrong. I think during those 5 years I was mentally preparing for the time when I would be alone. The last 6 weeks when he was bedridden I was able to care for him at home with the help of Hospice. It's so hard to see the one you love in pain and it was very difficult to see him slowly waste away the last few weeks. At that point I was praying for him to go because I couldn't stand to see him suffer. However since his passing I have been okay. I love him and miss him but I don't feel devastated and I feel GUILTY that I'm able to carrry on so well. I have been very busy and I'm sure that helps ........but still...... it kind of makes me wonder if I'm a "cold hearted person" because I'm not feeling "broken and lost" like many others do when their spouse passes away.

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Permalink Reply by Uma Emm on June 18, 2012 at 1:14am

If you had not cared for your ailing husband, that is "cold-hearted". If you're able to function after his passing, that is a good thing and you are making it easier for yourself and your loved ones, and your husband in heaven.

Permalink Reply by Margie Thrash on August 5, 2012 at 10:54am

Keltie I have my moments of grief and also feel I have not had the full loss that is expected of me I really believe because it was not his choice to leave me and when he said he couldnt do it anymore after 3 months of severe pain and I said it was okay to go it was for the best as I watched him not become the strong man he once was and watched the tears in his eyes for the whole month he was in the hospital at the end and the cries of pain so I feel a kind of relief he has been released from all that. I love him and I cry everyday but I am still okay with our decision to let him go.

Permalink Reply by beth martin on August 6, 2012 at 7:01pm

I think you are still numb and the feelings of grief will come when your body and mind can handle them. My heart goes out to you

Permalink Reply by John Rood on August 15, 2012 at 6:21pm

My Wife of 31 yrs passed 10 months ago, your not cold blooded different people handle things in different ways. When I would have a "good day" I'd feel guilty, thinking I shouldn't feel this good. But the next day would usually take care of that. I'm constantly feeling guilt thinking that I should've done this or done that. But the bottom line is its to late now to do anything differently than I did. I miss my Wife so much and sometimes its almost unbearable. We have our own business, I worked the next day, I had to, I had to something. I don't care what anybody thinks of me, they're not me, they don't know how I'm feeling what I'm thinking. Unless they have been through what you and I and the rest of us are going through, they just can't grasp the pain.

Permalink Reply by Karen Gleave on August 15, 2012 at 8:18pm

The problem is that they "think" that they grasp it, so it's unthinkable to them that the best thing for you is to get back to your normal routine. Sometimes, if you own your own business, it's a necessity - bankruptcy along with grief will not help you at all.

I went back to work fairly soon after - it's not as though they would have terminated me, they'd have given me more time (albeit unpaid). But for me, it was the best decision. If others choose to think that it means that you're in denial, didn't really love your wife etc. - there's nothing you can do about that. Good thoughts to you, it's been 8 months for me.

Permalink Reply by Theresa LaPointe-Miller on August 16, 2012 at 2:52pm

Keltie: My heart aches for your loss! I lost my husband unexpectedly 5 years ago. He was 53 years old. I am VERY PROUD of you!! You are dealing with the death of someone you loved deeply with dignity and grace...there is NOTHING in your way of dealing with this life-changing event that is "cold" or "unfeeling"!! You were blessed to have been given an extended period of time to begin the mourning process....with dignity, and time that you were allowed to still be WITH your husband, I am sure you had moments when you DID feel lost and broken....you may STILL have those times in the weeks, months, and years ahead! I guess what I am trying to say is that grief and loss for everyone is different and how they choose to deal with it is RIGHT for THEM!! The way you are feeling is RIGHT for you! I find that for me, I try and live my life in the fullest way I can, to honor Andy[my husband!] by being the BEST me I can be!! May you find your heart filled with Peace and Blessings! Terri

Permalink Reply by didi on August 26, 2012 at 3:13am

I identify a lot with what you say. My husband was diagnosed in 2006 with prostate cancer and passed away on the 2nd of March in 2010. We made the most of the time we had, we knew it was limited. His last days though we quite different. He did start to feel worse, but then appeared to get better. The morning of the day he died I phoned close family and told everyone he was getting better. He was only in hospital for 4 days. The day before he passed I helped him to the shower, he washed himself, shaved, smiled we chatted ..... the following day he was gone.

I did not feel devastated either, just numb as if I was on a cloud away from everything. To this day I don't know how I coped, but apparently I did so, very well!!! I keep myself busy, very busy. Only in the last few days have I started to accept what has in fact happened and shed a tear, after 2 years! I can't explain my feelings either. Keltie don't be hard on yourself we are all different and we helped our husbands when they needed us, that is what counts. Now we are each doing the best we can without a manual, there is no right or wrong.

Don't be hard on yourself and stay strong.