I've Lost Him

Today is a very bad day. I've looked for him everywhere, but my husband isn't in his old coats, he isn't in the clothes he used to wear and he isn't in his car or my truck. He's not at his piano or hiding in the sheet music. He's not at his computer or in his cds, X-box or Wii. I've looked inside and outside, and through all the photos. I see traces of him and sometimes I hear a whisper or smell something familiar, but when I breath or move, it's gone. Sometimes I think that if I keep searching enough I'll find him. He wouldn't hide from me on purpose and he knows how worried I get about things. But I've looked and looked and I still can't find him.

Colleen

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Permalink Reply by Virginia on August 16, 2010 at 9:52pm

Jerry, I think most of us here put on a different face while we are out, and at times have a good time but comming home to the empty house and for me it's a house now not a home and to the lonelyness that the evening bring then IF we sleep waking to another sad depressing day, at one point when i would wake up in the morning i would say dam i woke up again because that is how bad i don't want to be here but know i must wait my turn, hugs

Permalink Reply by Marlena on August 16, 2010 at 11:07pm

Jerry,

Out of the mouth of babes...how awesome is it that she feels her Noni's presence.

I understand the outside you versus the "real" you. I think we all have the outside face we plaster on so the world thinks we are coping...if they only knew the truth. But...then they would avoid us like the plague.

It's been 17 months and I have not wanted to get rid of any of Tom's things...still keep his toothbrush right where he left it and all his clothes are still where they should be. I just have no desire to pack him away yet. I think I'll where my wedding rings (and his) forever.

We all just do what we have to to get through this journey. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It's all about us and what works for us.

Hang on tight to those grandbabies...they will keep you focused.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

Jerry said:

I still have all Karens stuff in the bathroom and all her clothes in the closet. Not sure if I will ever be able to get rid of them. On the outside most people that see me would say I am doing OK, but I am hurting inside. I am lucky I have 3 grandchildren to keep me busy. The middle one,a girl 4 1/2 years old,who was with her Noni[grandma] a few hours before she passed,still wants us to set a plate for here at dinner time and tells here Mom she feels Karens presence.

Permalink Reply by Sandy on August 17, 2010 at 12:03am

Colleen,Jerry and to all of you I'm so sorry for your pain. I am just so grateful you all are here and are so open to share truly how you feel. I to feel Bob and God are with me all the time together. I have so many of Bobs things that smell like Bob and I pick them up and smell them everyday. His aftershave. I know he has passed and won't be back physically. But when I take naps so many times I have dreams of him and when I wake I am so happy that I saw him in my dreams but when I first wake up I am so sad that it was only a dream and but still I feel good I got to see him and talk to him. Thank-you for being here. Sandy from Wyo

Permalink Reply by Jerry on August 17, 2010 at 9:02am

I agree that dreams of our departed ones are a great comfort. It seems to make the next day a little easier for me when I do have dreams with my wife or Dad in them.

Permalink Reply by Fernandohulya on August 17, 2010 at 9:17am

Collen, what ever I do he is always forever in my heart, in my thougths with every step or breath i think of him feeling the pain so real I want to scream "Why did you leave me in this (please excuse what I am about to say) God for saken life without you! This world does not mean anything anymore since my Happy future has been taken away from my Baby and me.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on August 17, 2010 at 2:32pm

Hi All, I just wanted to add my 2 cents, I was taught that when you have a dream of someone who has passed,they are actually there visiting you watching over you. We were also taught you had to touch the decesed if you didn't you would have nightmares lol such great ole wives tales, so thiats my story and i'm sticken to it lol hugs to all

Permalink Reply by Virginia on August 17, 2010 at 2:32pm

Permalink Reply by Kim on August 17, 2010 at 4:18pm

Virgina,
I agree 100%...my house is no longer a home without my husband. It is too quiet and lonely. There is no more laughter in it, just the sound of my tears.
Virginia said:

Jerry, I think most of us here put on a different face while we are out, and at times have a good time but comming home to the empty house and for me it's a house now not a home and to the lonelyness that the evening bring then IF we sleep waking to another sad depressing day, at one point when i would wake up in the morning i would say dam i woke up again because that is how bad i don't want to be here but know i must wait my turn, hugs

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on August 17, 2010 at 4:29pm

Virginia and Kim and to all, I agree the house is not a home anymore. Empty days and lonely nights. Just waiting also, for my turn. Hugs to all.Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Edith R on September 16, 2010 at 7:49pm

Colleen said:

Thank you for your advice each and every one of you. Gary passed away 2-22-10 and sometimes I still think it can't be real. I know that it is, but I don't want to believe it down to my very core. I do have pictures of him all through the house and I have a certain belief in the afterlife, but that doesn't seem to help me right now. It's only been six months since he left, but I'm just not convinced that it's going to get better with time.
He was the funny side of me, the kind side, the musical side. I miss him, and I miss "us". It's tough being the one left behind.
Colleen

Permalink Reply by Edith R on September 16, 2010 at 8:21pm

Collean, I understand what u are going through. My husband passed Sept 28, 2009 it's going on a year he has been gone. He was my backbone he keep me in line. I didn't think I could go on living with out him. I had nights that I felt my husband kiss me in my sleep it felt so real, I really believe it. It's still hard for me, I had to have a lot of prayer, because I knew I couldn't do it alone. Sometimes it seeem like he here with me and helping me make decisions. I have a book that I write in of anything that comes to my mine about him or us, the things he use to say before I forget them. We were married for 43 years and we had our ups and downs. I hope I helped you a little, everything is going to be alright he is with you in your mind and heart. I haven't changed things very much it's going to take me a little more time.

Permalink Reply by Nancy Satterthwaite on September 16, 2010 at 9:16pm

Hi Colleen,

Please believe there is a heaven, and our love ones are enjoying peace and joy without pain and suffering any longer. I know this to be true. I witness a miracle when my Father died over twenty years ago. After that event, I never feared death again. I miss my husband so much I can't express the pain and sadness that I feel. But never have I doubted that he is in a better place and is happy. It's like the song says, " God only cries for the living, because the living are so far from home." My father had Kidney and bone cancer that lasted for two years. Two weeks before he died he was in a semi-cosmotos state because of moraphine and drugs. We put him in the hospital the last two weeks so he could have a IV and die without a painful death. The evening of his death, all my brothers and sisters and their spouses were there at the hospital, and like I said, he was in a semi-coma state and never opened his eyes or spoke for two weeks. All of a sudden, he sat up in bed, looked at my Mother and said, " It is time for me to go Mom, they are coming for me, I am happy, tell everyone I love them." And then he died. I believe he saw his love ones as they came to cross him over into heaven. When my Mother died, she was in a nursing home for ten years with Alzheimers. My three sisters and I drove to the home which was an hour away. When we all got there, we joined hands and said the Lords Prayer, when we got to the "Amen" she took her last breath. Coincidence? Maybe,,but I choose to believe it was her letting us know she was ok.

Take a day at a time, and a step at a time. It will get a little easier in time. Unfortunately your life will never be the way it was with your husband, but it can still be good and rewarding.
May God Bless and keep you,
Nancy