Grief support: When someone you love is terminally ill, you may begin grieving in advance but that doesn't necessarily mean you grieve any less after the death. Find support and guidance from our online community to help you cope, and share your story to help others.

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I lost my beautiful mom in July to Pancreatic Cancer. I miss her terribly . I am hoping to get some support from this site and give support too. Jayne

It's funny the memories that we have.  I used to call my grandmother nightly to catch up.  Sometimes it would be a half hour conversation, sometimes ten minutes, it varied depending on time.  She would say now hold on, Hallie, let me get my wine.  She would put the phone down, go in the kitchen and get her old fashioned coke glass and fill it half way with zinfandael and then we would catch up on each other's day.  she used to love to hear my stories about the kids or my struggles and was always just such a voice of reason.  I still pick up the phone at times to call her and she's been gone five years.

I lost my 21 year old brother Adam to suicide May 20, 2012 due to a mental illness. There is not enough information and knowledge out there for people who suffer from a mental illness. NAMI is a great organization that helps spread awareness. My family and I are participating in the NAMI walk Oct 13 and would love to get more donations in my brother's honor. We want to be my brother's voice and tell people your not alone. We miss him everyday and this helps up stay close to him. Even if it's 5 dollars it make a difference. Please check it out

http://namiwalks.nami.org/TeamPage.aspx?Referrer=http%3a%2f%2fweb.m...

Thanks everyone and God Bless

Amber Jacobs

Dear Jayne ...

 

I am deeply sorry to hear about the loss of your mom to Pancreatic Cancer.  I too lost my dear husband Ernie to Pancreatic Cancer April 27, 2011.  I can certainly relate to your pain.  I don't think there is a more helpless feeling than seeing a loved one dying and it is completely out of your control.  We are left with 'why?' Unfortunately, there is no answer.

This site is a wonderful place to vent one's emotions without being ridiculed and, by coming here you will read that all of us are in the same boat although some have been grieving longer; some have gotten on with their lives and then sadly, there are new people who join that are reaching out for help.

Grief is different for everyone and at first it is shock. I know when my husband was in hospital dying I refused to believe it and prayed for a miracle, but of course like your mom it was not meant to be.  I was angry at first with God and everyone around me because I hurt so much inside.  In time (it does take time) I realized that I would never have wanted my husband to suffer from such a dreadful disease and that it was not my fault and this disease took his life, but I fought along beside him to try and beat it knowing the chances were slim at best. I also began to realize just how lucky I was to have had him in my life for as long as I did.  He is finally at peace just like your mom.  Grief is a process that we all have to go through so cry when you want to; lean on family and friends and choose one or two people you can just sit down and express the raw emotions you have about the loss of your mom.  Sometimes you will feel as if you have gotten over the completion of grief only to fall back a little because you miss your mom, but, she's there with you and the long and short of it is eventually all of us will carry their torch (the memories and wisdom they left us with; the laughter and tears we shared) and get on with our own lives.

There isn't much anyone can say to take the pain away from you right now as you have to grieve in your own fashion, but we are here to let you lean on us and get you through the rough times.

 

Good Bless & Big Hugs

Marcy   
 
Jayne said:

I lost my beautiful mom in July to Pancreatic Cancer. I miss her terribly . I am hoping to get some support from this site and give support too. Jayne

I think in some ways it is harder to lose someone after an illness.  I have lost those suddenly and unexpectedly and lost those to an illness and whereas you get to say good-bye, watching them suffer or be in pain is horrible and leaves you feeling helpless.  I do think that God is listening - always.  I think sometimes we just aren't hearing.  Death isn't fair - to those that leave too soon and to those that are left behind.  I have to believe in my heart that someday we understand the whys and the how comes.  So sorry for your losses.

I agree ....  Watching your loved one suffer is just horrible and I am going through this right now.  Sometimes I feel that I will feel relieved when God takes him, but then there will be that terrible emptiness. I try hard to believe there is a reason for everything and we are in the place we are supposed to be, but I have to admit sometimes I wonder.

Watching a loved one suffer is extremely difficult.  Since my Ernie passed away April, 2011 I have been on a search to get answers to all the questions I have.  WHY?  My faith was shaken and I felt like I would jump out of my skin if one more person said, 'God has his reasons.'  To me, that was not good enough.  Still, there are reasons why they passed on (I like to believe that God sent our loved ones to us because they were so special and then took them back because their life's work was done.)  I know ... I know, this does not help those left behind.  I have come to the realization that no questions will be answered regarding the death of our loved one, but, we have two choices; give up or go on in their memory because our loved one has touched our lives in so many special ways and made us who we are today.  Thus, we need to move forward with our lives never forgetting the wonderful life's lessons we learned from them and they learned from us.  One day, I do believe we will be reunited with our loved ones and until then we have to hang on tight; lean on those that are going through the same pain we are such as this forum and either cry together; smile; tell a joke or offer advice.

May there soon be peace for everyone here and joy in your lives.

God Bless

Marcy

I agree with Gloria in that the stages of grief are different for all of us.  For whatever reason, there are triggers that seem to hit home on some days more so than others.  And I do think there are days when accepting the loss simply can't be done - it's just too hard.  Take each good day that you can and on the bad days, it's okay to cry and remember.

Hi Marcy, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.  It touched me that you are looking for answers to the question "why".  I don't agree with the answer "God has his reasons" either, especially since Jehovah (God's name) God is love. I thought why would a God of love take our loved ones from us?  From my study of the Bible I found out why we lose our loved ones in death and that we can see them again, not with the threat of losing them in death again, but on a paradise earth that God promised and death will be destroyed. Isaiah 25:8.  This promise has helped me cope with the loss of my grandmother, who raised me.  Knowing that I will be reunited with her again took away a lot, not all, of my sadness.  Jehovah will always be there for you if you search for the real truth about Him. John 17:3; Psalms 34:18.  All your other questions you have can be answered from the Bible also.

Marcy Dawn Maday said:

Watching a loved one suffer is extremely difficult.  Since my Ernie passed away April, 2011 I have been on a search to get answers to all the questions I have.  WHY?  My faith was shaken and I felt like I would jump out of my skin if one more person said, 'God has his reasons.'  To me, that was not good enough.  Still, there are reasons why they passed on (I like to believe that God sent our loved ones to us because they were so special and then took them back because their life's work was done.)  I know ... I know, this does not help those left behind.  I have come to the realization that no questions will be answered regarding the death of our loved one, but, we have two choices; give up or go on in their memory because our loved one has touched our lives in so many special ways and made us who we are today.  Thus, we need to move forward with our lives never forgetting the wonderful life's lessons we learned from them and they learned from us.  One day, I do believe we will be reunited with our loved ones and until then we have to hang on tight; lean on those that are going through the same pain we are such as this forum and either cry together; smile; tell a joke or offer advice.

May there soon be peace for everyone here and joy in your lives.

God Bless

Marcy

Nancy, I am happy that you had such a positive experience with Hospice, I have to say that our experience was horriffic. My daughter was diagnosed with cancer and when it became clear that chemo and other treatments needed to be discontinues, she agreed to enroll with hospice. She had a husband and young son and wanted to be at home. It was a disaster from the outset and got worse. Never the same nurse, when we called the answering service number we were given, they never knew her name and could never get a live person on the phone. I could go on and on. Thankfully, she had an extraordinary palliative care physician who affirmatively managed her nutrition, lab work, fluids, and most of all her pain. She never saw a hospice doctor. My daughter died 4 months ago and I am still so angry that it hurts.

Jennifer ... thank you for your encouraging words.  Sometimes I believe, sometimes I do not (depending on the day I am having.)  I have been a Christian since I was old enough to go to Sunday school; went to 'High C' in my teens; strayed from the church in my early 20s because of spreading my wings of youth and now have considered going back to church.  At this point in my grief I can't even read a normal book never mind the Bible.  I do pray, but prayers are more often not answered than they are and for that reason I wonder why God is called a forgiving God or, he will help take our burden away whatever religious values we have.  It's OK in grieve; to be angry with God for giving us so much pain from the loss of our loved ones.  I do understand grieving is necessary, but do not understand why it has to be for\so long if God has His reasons for leaving us behind. 

God Bless

Marcy

Hi again Marcy, your welcome :) I hoped it helped a little

I can understand your confusion and feelings of abandonment by God. The term "god" is so vauge.  So we assume that all the passages in the Bible refer to one being, because that is what many are taught, but is not true.  When we learn about "God" we learn he's IS love but on the other hand we go through alot of suffering from the moment we are born then we die.  That's not love, that's torture and actually a little confusing.  The Bible names the "god" of this system, it's Satan the devil, 1 John 5:19; 2 Corthians 4:4; John 12:31 he's behind all this suffering and death, not Jehovah God who is going to get rid of him soon along with death and suffering.  Death is our enemy, and Jehovah and his son Jesus are going to put an end to our suffering.  If you need someone to talk to, I'd love to continute our conversation my email is jenniko78@aol.

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