Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Christy on November 16, 2010 at 1:54pm

"How do you cope and stop being sad and crying" Gosh Margie, I wish I knew the answer to that. We are dealing with the shock of losing our life partner when we are so used to them always being with us. It just doesn't seem possible that they are gone. My mind can't grasp it. I worked w/ my husband also. I can't be around anyone for more than a few minutes & I can barely talk without losing it. Tears just pour. I can sleep at night because I read & pray just before going to bed which gives me peace, but I awake in a panic every morning and cry & get sick to my stomach. Then I have to gather myself... it's a nightmare. I am sure you are doing yourself a favor by working & staying busy w/ church & friends though. I hope in time we will be able to live productive, peaceful lives & smile more instead of cry when we think of them. Hugs & best wishes to you each day- Christy

Permalink Reply by Ellen Brant on November 16, 2010 at 2:52pm

Margie, My heartfelt sadness on the loss of your husband. I wish I could share some words of wisdom on how to cope and stop crying and being lonely and sad. I lost my husband and soulmate a bit over 6 weeks ago and I feel like I am deeper in sadness and loneliness somedays. I haven't any family and am somewhat handicapped physically so I feel so lost. What I can share is what helps me is to stay in the moment. Finding this site of such support and a wealth of strength is encouraging as well. A safe place to vent, share, cry and be there for others sadly going through pains much like we are. HUGS. Hugs help us grow spiritually.

Permalink Reply by Barbara Roth on November 16, 2010 at 6:12pm

Hi Margie, I wished there was some miracle cure to help us all. I lost my husband Oct.21, 2010. We were married for 38 yrs. Last Dec. he was diagnosed with stage 2 lung cancer. In Jan. they removed his left lung. Needless to say, they didn't get it all. In June they removed a mass at the base of his spine. More chemo, radiation, hospital stays. Only to find out that the cancer had spred to his other lung, liver, and bones.I just went back to work after being off most of the year taking care of Jim. I have 2 daughters and 2 grandaughters, plus 2 dogs. Does that help? Maybe, but I miss Jim so much. This group helps Margie. You will meet some very nice and very understanding people here. Come here and talk, cry etc. Take care.

Permalink Reply by Sharon on November 16, 2010 at 6:17pm

I feel your pain Margie and my heart aches for you and your recent loss. I too wish I could tell you it goes away as time goes by, but I have not found that to be true after almost 14 months. I pray a lot and try to accept the past, leave the future in God's hands and make the most of the time God gives me each day. Each day that passes I figure is one day closer to my husband. Keep posting on this site which can help you get it out. People on this site do care and want to share. Lean on friends and family when you can, they want to help you but most typically will leave it up to you to determine when and how much. When you are too weary to even lift your head, bow it and ask God for strength, he will give it to you. Hugs Sharon

Permalink Reply by margie sexton on November 16, 2010 at 6:37pm

Sharon said:

I feel your pain Margie and my heart aches for you and your recent loss. I too wish I could tell you it goes away as time goes by, but I have not found that to be true after almost 14 months. I pray a lot and try to accept the past, leave the future in God's hands and make the most of the time God gives me each day. Each day that passes I figure is one day closer to my husband. Keep posting on this site which can help you get it out. People on this site do care and want to share. Lean on friends and family when you can, they want to help you but most typically will leave it up to you to determine when and how much. When you are too weary to even lift your head, bow it and ask God for strength, he will give it to you. Hugs Sharon

Permalink Reply by margie sexton on November 16, 2010 at 6:47pm

Thank you all who has responded to my comments, it means alot to me. I hate to burden my family and friends each and everyday with my grief. I lost my mom 11/30/09 and my husband 8/8/10 and I feel guilty that I did not morn my mom as I am doing my husband. I miss her but my life feels useless without my husband. My son has been wonderful and caring but I feel bad bringing him down when I am sad so I keep things inside me until I am alone. I am thinking about getting a kitten or cat because I am so lonely especially now that it gets dark at 5:00. I am in Michigan and am looking for a support group in the Macomb County area to attend does anyone attend any groups or is it just this site. I have had a bad 10 days 11/8 his birthday and he loved to deer hunt and yesterday was opening day I remember he would get in the blind and call me and whisper he was bored had not seen anything and I would just laugh at him. I used to get excited that I was going to have 2 or 3 days just for me when he was gone but now I would give anything for those days back with him. My church is very supportive and my friends are always there for me but it does not seem like enough for me not to be lonely.Thank you all for listening to me. I feel better knowing that I am not alone and what I am going through is normal. Margie

Permalink Reply by Audrey on November 16, 2010 at 7:40pm

How do you stop being sad and crying? I also wish I knew. For me the waves come and go, some big and some smaller. Just keep the tissues handy and let them come. I do pretty good until I get tired or have to tell someone who hasn't heard. My husband of almost 29 years died 9-30-10. I was thinking the other day that years ago widows stayed in the house, wore nothing but black, were allowed time to grieve, were expected to be sad. I'm not sure that more of that wouldn't be a big help to this day. Society, my company, some people I thought were friends, seems to think that a couple of weeks and I should be bouncing around like a happy camper. Thank goodness for this site where we are all in similar situations.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on November 16, 2010 at 9:13pm

MARGIE, I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY FEB 26TH 2010 FROM LUNG CANCER THAT HAD MATASIZED TO THE BRAIN. HE WENT WITHIN THREE MONTH OF BEING DIAGNOISED.I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT HOSPICE HAS A SUPPORT GROUP THAT YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK INTO. ALSO THEIR ARE GRIEF SUPPORT GROUPS THAT YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK INTO, JUST ASK AROUND OR CHECK WITH LOCAL CHURCHES. I FOUND MINE THROUGH A CHURCH. THESE GROUPS CAN BE HELPFUL.I AM STILL NOT COPEING VERY WELL AND FOR ME I THINK THAT REALITY HAS JUST STARTED SETTING IN. I HAVE TRIED TWO DIFFERENT GRIEF GROUPS AND ALSO A COUPLE HOSPICE GROUPS.I RECENTLY DECIEDED THAT I NEED TO TRY AND SEE A THERAPIST. I JUST FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO ONE TO REALLY TALK WITH AND PERHAPS IF I COULD TRY AND TALK WITH SOMEONE I COULD FEEL BETTER. I DONT KNOW I AM ACTUALLY JUST GRASPING AT STRAWS BUT I JUST WANT TO TRY AND DO SOMETHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY HELP ME. SO FAR I HAVENT REALLY HAD ALOT OF LUCK.THIS IS A GOOD SITE TO COME TOO, BECAUSE PEOPLE HERE WILL UNDERSTAND AND GIVE YOU SUPPORT. I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS. THIS ISNT AN EASY THING TO GO THROUGH FOR ANY OF US.

Permalink Reply by Christy on November 17, 2010 at 6:44am

Sharon,
I read your post to Margie & your advice to bow your head & pray when you're too weary to lift it really was wonderful-thank you. I needed to hear that.

Sharon said:

I feel your pain Margie and my heart aches for you and your recent loss. I too wish I could tell you it goes away as time goes by, but I have not found that to be true after almost 14 months. I pray a lot and try to accept the past, leave the future in God's hands and make the most of the time God gives me each day. Each day that passes I figure is one day closer to my husband. Keep posting on this site which can help you get it out. People on this site do care and want to share. Lean on friends and family when you can, they want to help you but most typically will leave it up to you to determine when and how much. When you are too weary to even lift your head, bow it and ask God for strength, he will give it to you. Hugs Sharon

Permalink Reply by Debbie Treadway on November 17, 2010 at 7:33am

Margie, I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on 8/23/10. He had heart problems and lung problems and was disabled for many years. One of the hardest things I have found is not having him to take care of anymore. My daughter and son-in-law live with me so I am so blessed that I am not alone, but I still miss him every minute of every day. Some nights all I do is cry and others seem not quite so bad. I do know that when you need to cry it is best to let it out. The only thing that seems to bring me any comfort is knowing that his last few months here were a miserable time for him and he said many times that he was ready to go be with the Lord. It still doesn't stop my heart from breaking but at least he is at peace now and i am the one suffering. I don't think I will ever quit being sad but I am trying to go on because I know that is what he would want for me. I also went online and ordered a couple of books written by grieving spouses that seem to help me understand why I have some of these feelings. I know this is not much help, but finding this site and asking God for strength has helped me more than anything. Hugs to you.

Permalink Reply by margie sexton on November 17, 2010 at 8:40am

I think the hardest part is being alone, we did everything together and he was my life. On July 8th,2010 we left with our son, his fiancee and our 13 year old grandson for a trip to the Grand Canyon, he should have never went but nothing was going to stop him he said "I am going with you or without you" well you know what my answer was to that. My son drove all the way to Phoenix it took us 8 days but they were great, there are alot of things he could not do because of the altitude but we just did what we could. My sister is in Phoenix so my son and his fiancee fly back on the 17th and my brother-in-law took over the driving by that time my husband was not feeling great but he wanted to go to Vegas and so we did just drove thru but he could say he was there, we arrived home on Thursday July 22 and went from our motorhome to the hospital he was there for 8 days. Had been to his cardiologist on 8/5 had chemo on that day also and on the 8th he was gone. He had lost alot of weight but I thought it was fluids from the trip. He had stopped eating that Monday just picked at his food. Before he went to bed that Saturday nite he told me tomorrow he was going to be better so I really think he knew. I loved him so much and miss him so much. I am so glad to hear from others that are suffering as I am it is a real comfort to know I am not alone and not crazy as sometimes I think I am. Thanks to all for listening. Hugs from me to you. Margie

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on November 17, 2010 at 10:24pm

Margie,
I know just what you are feeling. My husband was diagnosed with cancer June 25, 2009 and Died June 18, 2010. The entire year was filled with hospitals, surgery, chemo and me taking care of him everyday. He used to call me his private nurse. We used to joke about the long hours we spent together in those chemo cubicles that it was the most time we spent alone since we had our kids. Now that he is gone I have a million things to do yet I dont know what to do with myself. My days arent terrible because I am running doing things for my kids but nights are terrible. I cry myself to sleep most nights and try not to burden my kids with my grief. I cry at the drop of a hat and hate that about myself because my kids try to talk to me and I cant hold back the tears. I want to be strong but it is so hard. When Frank saw an old couple holding hands he used to say that was going to be us. He was the best dad...very hands on took my girls to every father daugher dance at school. My middle child is 15 and this past Saturday was the first father daughter dance she missed since Kindergarten. Her best friend has an alcoholic abusive father who she wishes dead everyday. Where is the logic??? My daughter says to me that her friend doesnt want her father, I wanted mine and hes gone. How do I answer her? Im not angry at god...Im really not I just dont know why. I do believe in god and know 100% that when I go Frank will be the first person I see even if that means he will push everyone out of the way to get to me but I also know he didnt want to leave me and I worry that he is sad. I know he doesnt want to see me cry but I also know no matter what paradise he is in he still wants to be here and thats why I cant accept this. I know I have to but I cant. I go to his grave everyday and tend to it. I know all the caretakers in the cemetery on a first name basis.. they know not to touch his grave. I brought high grade soil and seed and raked and fertilized and now mow the plush grass I have grown. This makes me feel like im still taking care of him. I had to have my picture etched on the stone with his. It makes me feel better because we are in stone and I feel like no one can take that away and I feel like hes not alone there because part of me is there. Maybe im nuts....I dont know. I met Frank at work and we worked together for several years so I know what it is like being together 24/7. I wish I could answer how to stop crying...I dont know. If you figure that one out let me know. Just know when you cry yourself to sleep I am right there with you crying myself to sleep also. We are part of a very sucky alumni "The real widows club". Take some comfort that he went peacefully and in his own bed. Frank died gasping for breath in a hospital bed. Not 5 minutes after he died the vulchers at Sloan Kettering wanted to cut him open and take his tumor for research. I didnt let them touch him. I firmly believe there are cures for cancer but there is too much money to be made. I used to tease Frank he was going to be the "million dollar man". We were almost up to a million dollars in medical claims when he died. Tomorrow is 5 months and most days I think its getting harder not easier. I take things a moment at a time. Im glad we have each other to cry with. No one else understands. Hang in there. Im here if you want to talk.

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