Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Mary Haimowitz on January 12, 2012 at 1:42pm

I know how you feel, I lost my husband November 19, but he was sick so I knew what happened. I don't know if that makes it easier, nothing makes it easier. I also was with him all my life. I'm 56 and we were married 35 years. I've never been without him my whole adult life, like you. My sons are 26 and 23, grown men, but he was still their dad. I miss him so much too. Everyone tells me it will get better for us in time, but I think I miss him more now than when he first passed??? Good luck to us both; we're part of a club neither one of us wanted to join.

Permalink Reply by Sue on January 12, 2012 at 2:40pm

I feel your loss.  This isn't some place we want to be.  I lost my husband of 47 years Oct. 26 and I feel worse today than the day he passed.  Sometimes my days are better than others, but not today.  I am praying grief share helps me through it and the psychologist I am going to.  The pain is unbearable.  Do join a group or talk to someone.  It will help.  I feel a little better some days, but it's going to take a long time for me.  Today is bad, but hopefully tomorrow I will get some relief.  That is something to look forward to.  My 22 G-son and I tried CPR too on my husband, but it didn't work, but  the Medics brought him back and then he went on to a journey that I would never have let him go on if I had known they were going to put him on.  Eleven months of nothing but hospitals, meds, changing him and he would never have wanted that.  I know he is at peace now and that is the only thing that keeps me going.  It seems this week that slightly better than last, but then some of the pain for this week is worse.  Don't know how to describe it any differently.  Since my husbands passing I have came to realize he gave up the will to live.  I told him to let go at the hospital when he was dying and that gave me peace.  It's hard.  This is something I never in my life could have thought would happen and yet I knew we all died sooner or later, but I just never thought I'd be the one left behind. 

Again, I am sorry, I'll pray you get some peace soon.  Sue

Permalink Reply by Shannon on January 12, 2012 at 2:55pm

Thank you so much, I never thought I would be scared in my own home. I don't want neighbors to know he's gone. I will go back to work on Monday thank heavens I have a very supportive boss, my son is scared that it might happen to him, so to ease his mind I took him to the doctors and they ran tests it will be about a week before we get the results, the doctor offered him an antidepressant and I'm afraid to give it to him he has never had more than a advil. He has anxiety right now which I explained he needs to try an breath through it. I just don't know what to do to help him. I pray almost all day anymore that Christ gives us the strength to get through another day. I am so sorry for everyone's loss this is not a group anyone should be in.

Permalink Reply by Sue on January 12, 2012 at 2:59pm

Again think about contacting someone.  I''ve joinned "Grief Share" and I found a psychologist that accepts my insurance.  It's already started to give me some relief.  I have my second visit to Grief Share tonight and I am looking forward to it.  I need the peace.  It gives me some, even if it's a tiny bit, it helps.  Good Luck

Permalink Reply by Mary Haimowitz on January 12, 2012 at 3:22pm

Shannon,

Going back to work helped me. It was someplace I never was with him so it didn't seem strange to be there alone. I, luckily, also have a very supportive boss and co-workers and they have helped me get through so far. I can tell you the weekends are hard and then your co-workers naturally ask you how your weekend was, of course, it was terrible and sad, but they don't want to hear that, so you find yourself saying it was OK, they mean well, but it's hard to hear about their weekends with their spouses. Well, we can only do the best we can.

Permalink Reply by Shannon on January 12, 2012 at 3:38pm

I am so glad I found this site by accident or maybe not, what brings me peace right now is the fact that our last day together was perfect. I would always tell him how did I get so lucky and his reply was I'm the lucky one. I guess I should feel blessed that I got to enjoy 23 years with him. I talk to him everyday I listen to his voicemails which seems to help a bit. An when I look at our son ahhh it's like looking at him. He told me on new years that 2012 is going to be the best year an at 11:20 pm everything changed. I feel like my heart has been shattered, the emptiness, the silence and our hearts are broken. I forget to eat and my stomach growls I lost 17 lbs in 11 days which is crazy cause that was my goal we were working toward and he didn't even get to see it. I will check into the greif share and I know the hospital has something to. I know we need to take it day by day that's all we can do no one is guaranteed tomorrow. God Bless each and everyone of you.

Permalink Reply by janeo on January 12, 2012 at 5:03pm

I so sorry for yours and sons lost. You will be in my prayers tonight

Permalink Reply by janeo on January 12, 2012 at 6:05pm

I agree with you its been two years for me but I miss him more now than when he passed .
Mary Haimowitz said:

I know how you feel, I lost my husband November 19, but he was sick so I knew what happened. I don't know if that makes it easier, nothing makes it easier. I also was with him all my life. I'm 56 and we were married 35 years. I've never been without him my whole adult life, like you. My sons are 26 and 23, grown men, but he was still their dad. I miss him so much too. Everyone tells me it will get better for us in time, but I think I miss him more now than when he first passed??? Good luck to us both; we're part of a club neither one of us wanted to join.

Permalink Reply by Shannon on January 12, 2012 at 6:36pm

Thank you we need God to hear them all. God bless you.

Jane Favara said:

I so sorry for yours and sons lost. You will be in my prayers tonight

Permalink Reply by Peter on January 12, 2012 at 10:36pm

Shannon,

   I can feel your pain and I know it hurts. I've been there 4 times now. I lost 2 sons a grand daughter and then my wife of 31 years. That doesn't change the fact of what you are going through now. I can only say to just keep reassuring your son that you love him and that will help him tremendously. I can also say that it helps me to remember all the happy times I shared with my lost loved ones rather than the one day I lost them. That may sound hard right now but keep that thought and you will understand later. You are blessed to have a son where you can see a part of your husband in him every moment you spend with him. I am here to help in any way I can if even only to listen. I wish I could tell everyone on here that there is a book with the answer on page 7 to it all but I have learned that the answer lies within us. I found a spirituality within myself that showed me that you just need to close your eyes in order to see. He will always be right there with you inside. Memories are a gift that we take for granted until we understand how precious they can be. I know the wound is deep and it weighs heavy on your heart being so soon. Let your emotions flow out in whatever way they appear and don't worry about what others may think, they belong to you and no one else. I hope you can find that inner peace inside. God bless you and your son...

                                                                          Pete

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on January 13, 2012 at 5:04am

Dear Shannon ... I am so sorry for your loss and my prayers go out to you and your son.  My husband Ernie of 38 years of marriage and knowing him 45 years passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and there was absolutely nothing I could do to help him so I do how you feel.  You and your son are still in shock and will grieve differently.  Seek grief counselling for both of you as it does help and everyone here is most supportive.  Like you I too was shocked that my Ernie passed away as he was a tall man and basically always healthy.  I am almost 4 years older than he was so I thought stupidly I would go first.  Anything you do in memory of your husband or that gives you peace is not stupid at all.  I bought an Anniversary card; Christmas card and a Valentine's Day card for the love of my life and put each one on top of the box where his ashes are (he wanted our ashes strewn together.)  Grieving is a painful process and we all grieve differently, but we can all relate to each other.  Grieving is actually good for people even though it feels like your heart is being torn out of your chest and it is certainly frightening for your son.  It is highly possible that he is not only grieving over the loss of his father, but also frightened that if his father can pass away so quickly and unexpectedly that you could and he is also facing his own mortality.  See a minister; priest, etc., for comfort and when you are ready please try the grief groups that are out there.

 

You'll be in my prayers to help you both be strong until the pain lessens.

 

Marcy

Permalink Reply by Shannon on January 13, 2012 at 10:54am

Thank you so much for your kind words, I am sorry for your loss as well. No one should ever have to feel this pain. I tried to go to work lasted an hour. I talked to my boss and bless his heart he said not to worry he will help anyway he can, he is a physician and his wife is a pediatrician so I will call her later to talk about my son. I am looking into greif support for us I sure hope that will help.

Peter said:

Shannon,

   I can feel your pain and I know it hurts. I've been there 4 times now. I lost 2 sons a grand daughter and then my wife of 31 years. That doesn't change the fact of what you are going through now. I can only say to just keep reassuring your son that you love him and that will help him tremendously. I can also say that it helps me to remember all the happy times I shared with my lost loved ones rather than the one day I lost them. That may sound hard right now but keep that thought and you will understand later. You are blessed to have a son where you can see a part of your husband in him every moment you spend with him. I am here to help in any way I can if even only to listen. I wish I could tell everyone on here that there is a book with the answer on page 7 to it all but I have learned that the answer lies within us. I found a spirituality within myself that showed me that you just need to close your eyes in order to see. He will always be right there with you inside. Memories are a gift that we take for granted until we understand how precious they can be. I know the wound is deep and it weighs heavy on your heart being so soon. Let your emotions flow out in whatever way they appear and don't worry about what others may think, they belong to you and no one else. I hope you can find that inner peace inside. God bless you and your son...

                                                                          Pete

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