I lost my brother exactly two weeks ago by suicide. He hung himself. He was my little brother. I am 10 years older than him. I do have my why's and what if's, but I know those won't ever be answered. I don't blame myself either. I am just hurt, lost, empty...I feel like I was his big sister, I told him he could always come to me. Why didn't he come to me? I wonder if there is anything I could have done differently? I feel like in some way I failed him. We were pretty close despite our age difference.
I feel like no one understands unless they have been through it. People expect to go on or talk about it with them, but what is there to say to them? They don't understand. My life will never be the same.
I just miss him so much...
Carol Shilhavy Dallmann said:
You are right - NO ONE understands the pain of losing a loved one by their own choice. It is such a selfish decision when one decides they can no longer deal with life. All the loved ones left behind with all their questions particularly "when you never saw it coming"! I knew my son was ANGRY - and that is what he used to hide his depression and hurts. He was in anger management therapy - but that was NOT the help he needed. I remember the angry phone calls where he was so angry with his ex, his children and current love of his life. He was such a fighter all his life as he was fearless even as a child. Now its too late to help him? I never saw it coming. Neither did any of his close friends. He took his life March 6th of this year. I as mom have his entire estate to deal with - his ex and children who have not made anything easy for me. While I am mourning, I find myself defending him - his last wishes. First off it should NOT be my job - but it is the last thing I can do for him on this earth...so I am NOT complaining -- with Christmas around the corner - I want to just cancel it for this year. I just miss my son so much.....
Erica ~ I understand. I know how your feeling. I lost my little brother in 2004. He hung himself in my parents front yard, in the tree. Honey, please know that you did the best that you could. Please know that your brother did the best that he could. Its so hard to love someone so much and yet not be happy with them for what they did. My boyfriend of seven years also committed suicide in 2009. I've been thru this twice. You are right that your life will never be the same, but, it will go on. Your probably going thru so many emotions, try and be strong for your family members. Your brother is okay..you did nothing wrong. I am here for you if you want to talk more. Life goes on sweetie even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Your going to be okay...I promise..
I will pray for your family. It is hard but i suggest you surround yourself with people you love. You can continue being a great big sister..his spirit lives on through you and so many people who shared the great times with him. I lost my brother Miles in 2009 and it is still difficult but i am learning to live without him which i didnt imagine i could do so. I also recommend you stay open to talk, i love speaking about my Miles although sometimes it hurt, my brother lives on.
My most sincere condolences on your loss. Its gonna get better. Fortunately, time is a great softner of the cutting edges of our grief. I have suffered from suicidal inclinations myself people just don't understand the physical pain and anguish one suffers, how you just want the hurt to stop. My strong faith in the God of comfort and his Word keeps me going. I believe as his Word says that the dead are as asleep and unconscious. So they are not in pain and not alone in some in-between world just outside of our touch. Ecclesiastes 9:5,6 & 10 "the dead are conscious of NOTHING" .." "they have no love, no hate" thus according to the Bible they can't help us or hurt us. They Rest In Peace. Which is good when you think about it from the deceased viewpoint. Otherwise they would be imprisoned in an afterworld looking in but not being able to partake of life. The living are left to suffer the loss but it will get better. You do as one commenter said 'work at recovering' you cannot be passive. Just take baby steps and one day you'll look back and you will have journeyed a thousand miles.
Hi to all on this site. Haven't posted in quite awhile.My son's birthday is coming up soon, JUne 8 andmy one daughter and I are trying to plan a get together to let off balloons as we did last yr. My son CHuck committed suicide Dec. 22, 2010. IT just seems that his friends are busy and I understand that. I guess it would be okay to admit that I am hurt that everyone has put him in the past. I don't mean that to sound nasty. When Chuck was alive we used to go to Laurel Lake and he loved it as we all did. My sympathy and love to all who are on this site.
I've had the same problem; all you can say is how shocked you feel. I'm a little sister who lost her big brother; losing a sibling through an accident is one thing but add in a suicide and life feels like it will never be the same. Like the world should be ending, but it keeps going. He was a huge part of me, my hero.