I lost my brother exactly two weeks ago by suicide.  He hung himself.  He was my little brother.  I am 10 years older than him.  I do have my why's and what if's, but I know those won't ever be answered.  I don't blame myself either.  I am just hurt, lost, empty...I feel like I was his big sister, I told him he could always come to me.  Why didn't he come to me?  I wonder if there is anything I could have done differently?  I feel like in some way I failed him.  We were pretty close despite our age difference.

 

I feel like no one understands unless they have been through it.  People expect to go on or talk about it with them, but what is there to say to them?  They don't understand.  My life will never be the same.

 

I just miss him so much...

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Erica L said:

Debbie,

 

How are you holding up? 

 

I actually had a really good weekend.  My mom came over on Saturday and we swam, went to the movies, and talked about my brother.  We did do some wondering out loud, but it was nothing to bring us down.  Although my brother was not physically there, it was such a beautiful and sunny day, it felt somehow peaceful. 

 

It was strange at first, though, I won't lie.  I live right outside of Chicago. I'm in the Northern Suburbs and my family lives in the South Suburbs.  It's usually an hour drive to see my family, but my brother wasn't experienced driving on the expressway.  He took a train into the city, and would take the subway into the suburbs, and I'd pick him up at the train station.  Well, my mom isn't comfortable driving either, so she is the one who took the train.  Usually when she came up, she would always be with my brother.  She never came up alone, and so right before I picked her up I had a small moment; otherwise it was a great day.

 

Sunday wasn't too bad either, but tonight I went out to dinner with my hubby.  I pulled out my planner to check something, and I ended up browsing through it and got very emotional when I came across my brothers birthday.  I can't imagine not being with him on his birthday.  I can't imagine never seeing him again.  It hurts and makes me so sad that I never will.  He was such a big part of my life I never imagined it without him.

 

I can't put into words what I am feeling.  I am in pain.  I am sad.  I sometimes just feel all the anguish inside me.  I do get upset sometimes and just want to say what the hell were you thinking?  I wish he was here so I can shake him and ask him why didn't he come to me? I just miss him.  He will never meet my children when I have them. I feel bad that I didn't take him to Washington to visit our other brother last November......we went together for the past few years.  This year was tough because of his school and work schedule, plus financially...I would do anything to change that.

 

Oh, Debbie. I don't know.  This is just hard.  I know I will have good days and a bright future, but its hard to think of the future without him...

 

I don't know if any of this makes sense....

 

Please let me know how you are doing.  I am here if you need me.

 

Erica

 

P.S.

 

My brother loved the Family Guy, South Park, and King of the Hill.  I thought they were (are) the dumbest shows ever, but he would always watch Family Guy at my place.  He would crack up...and then crack jokes about me or just say the silliest things.  Our brothers had something in common.

 

He was a jokester, and tried to get me to laugh...he would especially crack me up and crack up himself by tickling my feet...I miss it.

 

It sounds like over all the weekend went well.  What your saying is what I've been having a hard time putting into words and yes it does make sense.  Over the weekend I got together with family and it was so odd.  All I could think about was my little brother.  It was a touph one.  My brother loved cook outs and clowning around.  His birthday is comming up on the 28th and I have to figure out what I'm going to do for it.  I don't know if I want to organize a party or just go out to the lake and spend the day.  I have to figure that out soon though.  I don't know I still feel like my heart, my heart has a huge hole in it.  Every day my kids ask "Mommy where is uncle Shawn?"  I always tell them "Uncle Shawn earned his wings and is up in the clouds.  Hes in heaven now."  I still cry when they ask me.  My kids are 4 and 6 so they don't quite understand the concept of death.  My 4yr old looks like my brothers twin.  We always joked and called him Shawn Jr so when ever I look at my little guy and he is making a funny face or says something funny I get all teary eyed.  It sucks :*(

 

Erica, I have been fortunate to have a lot of my son's friends contact me from the military, college, and fellow foreign exchange students.  They learn of his death through Facebook.  It has been good therapy for me to talk with them about their history with Charles, and I am able to express some of the things on my heart.  My main confidant, though, is my daughter, because this has been very difficult on her also.  And Charles' grandma on his father's side as well.  I am able to feel a measure of comfort talking to them because of our love and grief over Charles that we share in common.  I'm very thankful for the supports that I have.  And I get a lot of comfort just reading everybody else's comments to each other on this site.  Then I know what is to be expected at each stage I experience, which makes me feel 'normal' in this wretched grieving process, and then I know from reading some of the entries by people who have been at it longer that I will get there too.  I know, though, that I will always be painfully aware of his absence.  I look forward to the time when I can enjoy my memories of Charles, and not have them make me sad, remind me that he isn't here anymore.  You sound like you are progressing well, having some good days now.  I'm glad to hear it.  I just finished reading a good book, called "Survivors of Suicide" by Rita Robinson, that helped me quite a lot over the last several weeks, that might interest you.  Take care.  Theresa


Erica L said:

Jacqueline and Theresa,

When I read your message, Jacqueline,  I was having a good day.  Thank you.  Tonight is a bit of a struggle, but coming on here helps a bit.  I really can't believe how many people are dealing with this type of loss.  It's hard talking to my friends or even some of my family because I feel they do not understand.  NO one really can unless they have experienced it.  Thank you for reaching out and letting me know there really is a light at the end of the tunnel, and letting me know I have a place to reach out to when I need it.

 

Erica

 

I thought I was getting my grip with things... My brothers 22nd Birthday is on Thursday and it is getting hard all over again.  All I can say is I hope every year isn't going to be like this.  : /

Debbie, have you formulated any particular plans to celebrate your brother's birthday?  I know you were kicking the idea around about doing something.  I just reread your post and realize that you two must have been very close.  I'm sorry for your pain.  I hope you do have something special lined up, and that it somehow brings a spot of joy into your heart.  Huggs to you, Theresa

Debbie Callahan said:

I thought I was getting my grip with things... My brothers 22nd Birthday is on Thursday and it is getting hard all over again.  All I can say is I hope every year isn't going to be like this.  : /

Theresa thank you for responding.  My brother and I were close.  My family is getting together this evening and I was just considering bailing on everyone but I think I will go.  I am going to go look for the possitive for some kind of joy :)  I need to be with my family even though sometimes I don't want to lol.  Thank You :)

 

Hi my name is Jerica and i too feel empty inside. I recently lost my brother as well. We were a 1 1/2 year apart. He die back in May of this year. The pain that i feel is still soo raw. I ask myself the same questions as well, y couldnt he come to me or any other of my siblings? sometimes i think that he didnt even thought of how we was gonna leave us feeling. i still cry at night and in my sleep. At Erika  i too wanted to see him before his body was taken away but i didnt make it on time, but my middle sister did n i found comfort on that. But it was hard on her because she was the one that had to identify my brother. :(  But i know my brother wouldnt want me or any of my other bro n sis to grieve for him, but to remember him in good times.

I don't know if you visit here anymore but if so I'm checking into to say hey and see how you are holding up??

 

Debbie,

I hope you will get this. How are you doing? I am doing ok. This Thanksgiving was tough. I found my self being a little jealous and angry when I saw my cousins interacting with their siblings, then I had to snap out of it because they are my family and this isnt their fault. I try not think about him, even though he crosses my mind everyday. It will be six months on Dec 16, and its all still unreal to me. Because I try not to think about it, I almost feel like Im still in denial and havent accepted yet. I am trying to prepare for xmas and his bday in Jan. I will probably be a basket case. How did youh handle Thanksgiving? How are you holding up? Are you working again?

Ah the Holidays yes....  Let's see Thanksgiving I drove to VT to visit the in laws and cried periodically all the way there.  Thought I was the only one having a hard time but my sister was too we chatted a couple of times on the phone that day.  I think about my brother every day.  For a while I would sit and just look at pictures and cry but now I'm to the point where I can't even take the pictures out because I feel like crap.  I don't know if I'm in denial or just tired.  I write on my brothers Face Book wall on a regular basis.  As far as Christmas we are staying in NY for Christmas.  This will be the first holiday I will spend with my family since my brothers death.  I know it's going to be hard and I don't even know where to start when it comes to prepairing.  Although my family is just so odd that I don't ever know how to prepair lol.  On a serious note it's going to be a hard one. 

 I am so sorry for the new members  on  here.  I am so grateful for this site.  It will be a yr. Dec.22 that my wonderful son Chuck committed suicide. Not a day goes by   that I don't think of him.  I rest in the peace that I believe he is in heaven with his father and finally  at peace.  It  will never  be the same at holidays.   Blessings  to  everyone.   Love  JackieRowles

You are right - NO ONE understands the pain of losing a loved one by their own choice.  It is such a selfish decision when one decides they can no longer deal with life.  All the loved ones left behind with all their questions particularly "when you never saw it coming"!  I knew my son was ANGRY - and that is what he used to hide his depression and hurts.  He was in anger management therapy - but that was NOT the help he needed.  I remember the angry phone calls where he was so angry with his ex, his children and current love of his life.  He was such a fighter all his life as he was fearless even as a child.  Now its too late to help him?  I never saw it coming.  Neither did any of his close friends.  He took his life March 6th of this year.  I as mom have his entire estate to deal with - his ex and children who have not made anything easy for me.  While I am mourning, I find myself defending him - his last wishes.  First off it should NOT be my job - but it is the last thing I can do for him on this earth...so I am NOT complaining -- with Christmas around the corner - I want to just cancel it for this year.  I just miss my son so much.....

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