Lost my husband

Hi everyone, my name is Mary, I just joined, not sure how this works but trying to figure it out, I lost my husband, my world 7 weeks ago, iam trying to be strong as everyone keeps telling me but I don't feel very strong, hoping to talk with others who have been through this or going through this I am over whelmed and heartbroken, Thankyou all Mary

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Permalink Reply by Deb S on August 28, 2016 at 2:18pm

Good to know. I didn't want to add more stress to your life. I'm glad it is already on your "to-do" list. Debbie

Permalink Reply by Mary Clough on August 28, 2016 at 2:22pm

Debbie Thankyou for caring, my to do list is long lol. Thankyou so much

Permalink Reply by Mary Clough on August 28, 2016 at 2:53pm

Debbie I hope that didn't come out as snotty, did not mean it that way, if it did iam so very sorry, mary

Permalink Reply by Deb S on August 28, 2016 at 3:10pm

Mary, I know what you mean. My to-do lists had their own to-do lists. lol Slowly, I am accomplishing things and the to-do lists have become more manageable.

No need to apologize as I did not take your post the wrong way. It's all good.

Debbie

Permalink Reply by DJ on August 28, 2016 at 1:27pm

Debbie, banks invariably offer/push mortgage insurance; does your latest mortgage statement show the breakdown of your payments ("PITI" - principle, interest, taxes, insurance)?

Permalink Reply by Deb S on August 28, 2016 at 2:07pm

D.J., My husband and I discussed obtaining mortgage insurance. For myriad reasons, we never made it happen. Fortunately, we purchased the house at a time when the mortgage rates were reasonable. I'm handling our finances well and feel comfortable with my decisions. I'm an attorney by training. I also took care of our personal finances and made the majority of our investment decisions. I no longer work as an attorney. Presently, I am documenting my income stream so that I can qualify for a mortgage at some point. We have an investment rental property that I would love to refinance. I pay the mortgage monthly but my lack of a proven income stream does not allow me to qualify for a refinance now. I'm hopeful that I'll be able to refinance in a year or two.

Thanks for your concern and post. You made my day! Debbie

Permalink Reply by DJ on August 28, 2016 at 3:46pm

We all try to help each other :-) I'm an engineer, so the challenge of learning the will/estate/probate processes grabbed my focus in between care-giving. I managed to write our wills, PoA, and Personal Directives - and get through probate unscathed. Our estate was very rudimentary. I would have traded everything to have defeated her cancer.

Permalink Reply by Deb S on August 28, 2016 at 4:11pm

D.J., Thanks again. If only we could trade anything to retrieve what has been lost. It breaks my heart to consider the thought. It has taken all of my strength to begin to accept that this is my reality. I just do the best that I can to get through it. Debbie

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on August 29, 2016 at 5:14am

Mary ... You are so welcome and the angels on here are all around you helping you out.

I'm Canadian and I do look up U.S. Law. I can suggest many things and thankfully Deb is picking up on it and being American can put it into perspective for you. The Jargon between Canadian Estate Law and your law is just a little different, but basically the same thing.

I know Mary how difficult it is pining and willing to give anything to have Bob hold your hand, just be there for you and life is what it was before. I still can have days I feel just like you do.

Sara left a wonderful post as well.

You mentioned not changing the cases on the pillows where Bob slept. I did the same thing and I also after 5 1/2 years still have Ernie's work jacket and baseball cap hanging in the hallways and I doubt I'll ever take it down. Sometimes I imagine he's just as work and will come up the driveway swinging his lunch pail with a smile on his face and then reality comes crashing in, but I will admit as much as I love him I have become stronger and the fog of grief has lifted so I can make better decisions. They say in grief counseling not to make any big decisions in the first year and I didn't.

I am so proud of you that you keep posting and it does help because there are so many on here that are either going through raw grief or have been through it that can help you. You truly are not alone my friend.

Love ya back

Marsha

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on August 29, 2016 at 5:30am

Dear Deb .... I hope you don't think I'm trying to cut in to another post, but just wanted to say how sorry I am you went through such hell with your Bob and what he had to go through. My husband Ernie was ill at the beginning and he was 6' 6" tall and 220 lbs. He suddenly felt very weak and not himself and then suddenly he was having constant diarrhea and the weight dropped off him in a matter of weeks and he went down to 156 lbs. He was in tears and I couldn't afford to let him see me in tears as I had to fight our medical system to put him in hospital instead of hydrating him every 3 days and then send him home. I took him into ER one night as he was incoherent and I went nose to nose with the Head Nurse and you bet I won. I threatened to go to the media and then call our lawyer knowing full well this particular hospital couldn't take another hit in the media for the lack of beds. I got him in that night after 4 1/2 hours and got him settled. I then told him I was going home so they couldn't send him home and I sat up all night and was on the phone to our doctor and demanded Ernie be admitted. The short version is after testing him for 2 days he had Celiac Disease which should have been diagnosed much sooner as it's not that uncommon. After a week in the hospital he was home again and fit as fiddle and his weigh zoomed up to 225 lbs. and he felt great. He always trusted me to get things rolling so I thought we were going to be OK. The beginning of the next year I noticed his weight loss and the long and short of it was he had pancreatic cancer and the way he was treated in hospital was disgusting. I had to be there almost 24/7 or if at home phoning doctors to see what was going on and to be sure Ernie was given the best of care and pain medication. The surgeon that was going to do the whipple surgery suddenly told us that the cancer was too invasive and two days later the Oncologist said Ernie wasn't strong enough for chemo and had two weeks to live. I have never forgotten the look on my beloved's face when through tears he said, 'Mar, I am only going to live two weeks!' Of course I told him we'd beat this just like his Celiac, but deep in my heart I already knew what was to come. The saddest part that still haunts me is the surgeon refused to release Ernie to come home where I would have had nursing care and felt he would be much calmer being at home with me and his beloved dogs. I finally fought enough to get him into Hospice at least on September 26, 2011 and he was in a great deal of pain. He did not want me to stay the night, but agreed I could stay the next night. I knew then and there he had chosen his own way to leave this world. I sat up all night and at 6:00 AM I received a call from Hospice that he was dying and to come quickly. I couldn't move for about 15 minutes and through a fog phoned my girlfriend t drive me there. Just as we were going out the door Hospice called again and said that he had passed away at 6:30 AM. I did have time with him and laid with him, held his hand and told him how much I loved him, but it has left me feeling somewhat guilty that I wasn't there when he was passing. Perhaps it was what he wanted, but I felt cheated as we were such a close couple. Just wanted to share that with you and Mary.

Hugs

Marsha

Permalink Reply by Deb S on August 30, 2016 at 9:32am

Marsha, I am so sorry! I cannot imagine a doctor telling my husband or anyone I love that they only had two weeks to live. That seems so cruel. Thank you for sharing as I know how difficult it is to relive these difficult memories. I can understand how you would feel guilty that you were not with him when he passed away. Both of my parents died in a hospice facility. The angels who care for them shared that many patients choose to pass when loved ones are not present. Perhaps this is what happened with Ernie. I believe that you were by his side. Hope that helps, Debbie

Permalink Reply by Sara Murphy on August 30, 2016 at 9:32am

I'm surprised at how similar all of our experiences with the death of our loved ones have been. Ken foo ultimately passed of an infection that could not be cleared no matter how hard his doctor's tried. He was at Mass General in Boston which is the #1 or 2 hospital in the country. He had the kidney transplant in September but developed a hematoma as a result. I believe it's from that hematoma that the bacteria grew. He spent the next 3 1/2 months fighting infection. He would be in the hospital and when his white cell count was down to normal range they would send him home on oral antibiotics and eventually IV antibiotics. Each trip back to the hospital his count was higher, at one point over 40 which landed him in intensive care. They finally discovered that the bacteria was Klebsiella which is resistant to antibiotics. His doctors tried everything to locate the source so they could cut it out of him. I think he had a CAT scan daily for the last 6 days of his life. By this point his liver was taking quite a hit and was failing. Even with all of this, his doctors never gave up hope. They never came to us and said he only had X amount of time left. I think that's a blessing and a curse. In one way, I'm glad he didn't have to suffer the absolute knowledge that he wouldn't survive. For those of you who did have this happen you know why. But on the other hand, I never got to have an actual goodbye with him. That's one of the many do-overs I wish I could have.

It's from these shared similar experiences that allow us to understand each other in a way that our family and friends cannot. Sure, they all know of the circumstances of our spouses passing but they don't know the feelings behind them.