Lost My Sister

I lost my sister the beginning of October. She was 37. And we don't know what happened. There are so many questions surrounding her death, but no one cares. At least the people who should be helping us. They basically put if off as an accidental drowning. And that isn't even the official cause of death. We are still waiting. My mom had to fight for an autopsy. My sister couldn't have made it to where she was found on her own. I'm doing my best to be there for my mom and her kids but I'm barely functioning. I struggle with depression and anxiety already and it's just skyrocketed. I miss her so much. I think about her constantly. And the holidays...oi. We're doing our best but it's going to be tough.

I've been through loss before. But the ones I was close to...we knew it was coming. I got to say goodbye. Prepared for it. But having one of my sisters ripped away suddenly....Nearly 2 months later I'm still having trouble believing it....

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Permalink Reply by Caryn Hersh on January 8, 2014 at 4:56pm

I am so sorry for your niece! Hopefully she will seek the therapy she will need to overcome such a tragedy. What a horrible way to start her marriage. My brother married a wonderful woman and had a son, he is now 2 and the love of my life. His depression had really seemed to be under control while he was with his wife,( she had never seen any signs of it) until the baby was born, the stress of not sleeping and having a baby seemed to bring it on. Which is one of the reasons we think it may have been bipolar. His temper came out and came on strong. I knew his temper but my sister in law had never seen it. We in hind sight think my brother may have seen himself turning into our father. I believe the fear of harming his own child got the best of him, even more that the depression. I think he was trying (in his own screwed up way) to break the cycle. It's funny how the mind works. After his suicide I decided to go to a psychiatrist and work on my demons. I actually thank my brother for giving me the strength to make myself whole. I haven't spoken to my parents in over 6 months, I tried but they said its the past get over it, we aren't discussing it & it looked like my dad was going to freak out. So I just said "Okay, we are done here, I need to move on with my life, I deserve to be happy, Mike never was, I am not going down that road, Goodbye". I couldn't believe I did it, neither could my partner. I am finding the good in a horribly tragic situation.

Permalink Reply by Sandra on January 8, 2014 at 6:02pm

My niece is a nurse at the Mental Health and Addictions Hospital in Toronto and her new husband is a physician so luckily she has wonderful support. It's horrible that your parents are not there to support you and help find some answers so this damage can maybe heal. Your sister in law must be having a very difficult time and it's so sad that his son will never really know his Dad. I HATE this disease!

Permalink Reply by Caryn Hersh on January 8, 2014 at 10:27pm

My sister in law is actually doing pretty well. She is a very strong woman and has a great support system. Unfortunately my parents blame her for my brother's suicide. They were separated at the time and my parents feel that was the"reason"he killed himself. My parents refused to let her be involved with any of the funeral arrangements. At the funeral they actually called her a murderer. It was like a bad movie. Needless to say my parents haven't been able to see their grandson. It has been so much drama just adding to the pain.

I am glad to hear that your niece has support but how about you?

Permalink Reply by Sandra on January 9, 2014 at 8:27am

OMG Caryn thats horrible of your parents, your brother clearly struggled before he met his wife and how unfair to blame her. I had planned on moving to the city my sister lives in before she died because I thought being closer to her would help and I didn't like her being alone all day while her husband worked. I told her I was going to be on her doorstep forcing her back to yoga (she was an instructor at one time), sometimes I wonder if I put too much pressure on her. She did everything she could to talk me out of moving. By the time she took her life I had quit my part time job and rented a new place so last weekend I moved back to the city we were raised in. It's bittersweet because she's not here. Her husband and I talk a lot, he is planning on selling their large house in the spring and will need my help. I am also closer to her daughter who I talk to every day, I can never replace her Mom but I will try to help her through this pain. My mother died when I was 25 of cancer and I know how hard it is to not have your mother around when you have children etc. It confuses me because Debbie and I hated that we lost our Mother so young but that didn't stop her from doing this to her daughter, she was so sick.

Do you have support through this?

Permalink Reply by Caryn Hersh on January 9, 2014 at 8:36am

I do have a great partner, she has been my rock through all of this and great friends. I have recently started with the Grief Recovery program it's an internationally known program that deals with grief(of any type, death, loss of job, divorce) in a totally different way, it's more like a 12 step program, dispelling most of the myths we were all brought up to believe, like time heals, grieve alone, etc. It is working so much better than anything else. I realized I am grieving the loss of my parents, which is what I am working on. My brother's loss I have accepted. I know he is in a better place and out of his pain.

Permalink Reply by Sandra on January 9, 2014 at 10:34am

Good for you! I need to find a group un this city. my niece and her Dad have met with my sisters therapist and found he really helped explain what was going on in her mind and that she honestly believed she was becoming a burden to us and that we would be ok without her.

Permalink Reply by Caryn Hersh on January 9, 2014 at 11:17am

It actually is freeing once you can accept you will be okay with out them. It hurts but it is freeing.

Permalink Reply by Danielle McEwen on January 10, 2014 at 9:32am

Hello Kimberly,

I too know the frustration of not knowing exactly what happened to cause the death of my little sister. My sister was killed in a head on collision on August 22, 2013. She was 21 years old and just married 19 days earlier, She was on her way home from work. The other vehicle involved was driven by a 17 year old girl who came out of the crash with minor injuries. To this day, we do not have answers. Investigations into how the crash happened are "inconclusive" and although on the day of the accident, the other driver had been adament that the accident was her fault, she has since recanted her story and moved half way accross the country as she is unable to handle the stress of the situation. Meanwhile, my family is stuck dealing with the grief of losing her entirely too soon.

At this point, I do not know if we will ever get the answers that we want, but even if we do, I don't know if they will even matter because regardless, she is still gone. My main goal has been not to become bitter and resentful towards the other driver, but from the information that we have received to date, it has pointed to texting and driving as the cause of the accident (although not confirmed) and my sister did not own a cell phone.

It will be 5 months in just under 2 weeks since she was taken from us, and I still struggle with believing that she is gone. There is a gap in my life that will forever be void of her physical presence. But I can say, although the pain is still there 5 months in, it does dull little by little. At 2 months in I never thought that I would be able to get through the day without being wracked with grief, but I am. I have good and bad days, but the bad days come less and less often.

I pray that you find peace in knowing that you are not alone in your journey through grief, and that although no know knows exactly what you are feeling and thinking in your experiance, you have a group here to vent to and who will understand as we are all sharing in similar grif ourselves.

Sincerely

Danielle

Permalink Reply by Sandra on January 10, 2014 at 9:43am

Thank you Danielle, how horrible to loose your sister so young. I am so grateful for all the wonderful times I had with my sister (she was 59), I've lost loved ones to accidents and illness but loosing someone to suicide is so hard. I pray you find peace and I think in order to heal you must somehow forgive the other driver.

Sandra

Permalink Reply by Kimberly on January 12, 2014 at 1:32pm

Thanks, Danielle. I'm so sorry you lost your sister at such a young age.

We got the results back and we just have more questions really. The official COD is drowning. Though because of drugs in her system they assume she caused her own death. Though there is nothing to prove or disprove it. But where she was found suggests otherwise, not to mention her physical limitations. Plus there are a couple people who are not being honest about that night. We know they know something more, but nobody is talking. Her case is now considered cold just because there isn't information to go on.

I miss my sister so very much but the struggles she was dealing with...It just reminds me I don't want to be stuck in this depression. I feel like I've been in this cloud and my sister's death has just made it worse. 2013 was a difficult year. On top of my bf and I have to live apart temporarily (we're nearing 8 years together), then losing my sister. My goal is to be a happier healthier person and just live my life. Honor my sister by living. Off to kind of a rough start but having been through loss before...I know it's a long healing journey.

I ordered my urn necklace for her today. I ended up going with a colorful one that's a butterfly flying through the air. My sister loved butterflies and when I see them flying I think of her and imagine her happy and free.

Permalink Reply by Isa on January 16, 2014 at 6:16pm

I lost my sister in May 17,2013. The father of her 2 kids beat her up to death(she was in a comma for a few hours to then be diagnosed to be brain dead) there's 5 witnesses to the case but they just watched part of it and the 5th witness is her "bff" who is on the side of the killer!!! There are many questions without answers! He denies killing her! As if that wasn't enough he has been out on bail since a month after killing her!! Until proven that he did it he will be back.

It kills me to know that she was only 20, she was disable, she gave so much to that man... I just can't believe it!! I feel so guilty because I am the oldest one out of the girls and as the older sister I am I could've avoided this if I was closer, maybe if I wasn't so busy with my life and own problems I would've been there for her more maybe if I was there none of this would've happened and it's killing me!!! I wish I showed her how much I love her I wish I told her how much I love her I wish I was a better sister! I feel like I fail as the big sister that I am! I just feel so guilty!! I feel so lost I am trying to be strong and support my mother but I can only pretend to be strong for so long. I have a daughter of my own and I know is selfish but at times I wish to die and the reason why I'm still here is cause of my daughter, my sister'a kids and my mother and of course my other family members. My life feels so pointless and meaningless, I feel like giving up!

Permalink Reply by Kimberly on January 21, 2014 at 11:13am

Oh Isa, I am so sorry. That is horrible. <hugs> But please, stop blaming yourself. I know feeling guilty is normal, believe me, but it's not going to help. Your life is definitely not meaningless. There are days I just want to say to hell with it all...but we can't. We can't give up. Our sisters lost their lives way too soon. We need to live our lives to honor them.

I hope there is justice served for your sister. We don't know what happened to my sister. Her COD is drowning...and considering where she was found, it's so improbable that she got there on her own that we suspect someone put her there. She had a seizure disorder so someone could have though she was gone... We don't know. We probably never will know. So I understand questions without answers. My sister had some problems so we really didn't talk much. I kind of stopped trying because she made it so difficult. I feel so guilty about that now. I loved her dearly. I just wanted her to get the help she needed.

Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk or just vent. :( It's so hard losing a sister and so many people just don't get it.