May 22, 2011

When I used to say my morning prayers I exulted when thanking God for all the seasons, the exquisite array of living things, the beautiful flowers, the grass, the trees as well as all the natural wonders, the waterfalls, the rainbows, the snowfall, the rythmic splash of rainfall against my windows, and the bountiful brilliant colors of the Autumn trees, the pastel colors of the evening time when the moon shone brightly in the sky and in the morning sunrise, the rolling waves against the shore of the beaches. That was before when Dan was still with me. When I listened to all kinds of music, there was a lilt in my soul and a smile on my face when the beat of all types of genres of music matched the beating of my heart. I absolutely loved all the notes of those whose voices lifted me spiritually and emotionally. That was before when Dan was still with me. When I had tasks that I voluntarily performed on my computer I had to wait for the cursor that turned into a timepiece and my screensaver would pop open of all my pictures that I use of wondrous sea scenes, and blue skies with a few puffy clouds and I particularly was extremely fond of gazing lovingly upon my loved ones, Danny, our two sons, their children in various family settings, Dan and I were grinning from ear to ear. Little did I know that these would be the last pictures during the summer of 2008 when his sister took us to the beach and we were as giddy as small children. That was before when Dan was still with me. Now, that it's the 22nd of May, it's been 16 months since he passed away. Now, when I thank God when I say my morning prayers, life is quite different, even though I am still thankful for the beauty of the earth that God made, I am not as exultant about what I once loved so much. Now, that Dan is not here with me, music is like the sharpness of a dagger if I should hear the melodious chants that happens to come close to my listening senses, I cringe inside with heartache for I wouldn't deliberately listen to music now. Now, when these pictures that I was once so fond of happen to open up on the PC I have a very different and difficult time and if my life depended on it, it is an impossibility to muster up any kind of pleasure, in fact it hurts my senses with physical pain. As an observer of myself, I don't smile much any more. I have temporary distractions of talk and smiles and laughter when my 2 adult sons and 'our' grandchildren are with me. But, at the end of the day I always go home alone, go to bed alone, and awaken the next day alone. Danny, if you can hear me, I still love and miss you more each day. I still wonder if you can hear me or not, but I hope you know that you were everything to me. These tears I cry can attest to that. Some may think I am wallowing in self-pity but I know that I am not. Life is not the same without you and I am just so much in love with you. I am hurting and the only thing that motivates me to go through the daily motions of life is knowing that at least you are not hurting any more. Thank you, God, for that.

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Permalink Reply by Chicago Beard on May 22, 2011 at 11:30am

Amen. Could not have said it better myself.

Permalink Reply by Pete Bronson on May 22, 2011 at 12:36pm

<sobs>

Truer words have never been spoken!

Permalink Reply by Linda G. on May 22, 2011 at 1:48pm

Ditto to everything you said! You said everything I have been thinking.

Permalink Reply by Edler Sterling Broussard on May 22, 2011 at 1:54pm

Beautifully put Suzanne, the old saying " don't take things for granite", life's too short", if only I'd paid attention at times. Hugs, Ed.

Permalink Reply by Debbie Treadway on May 22, 2011 at 9:53pm

I agree 100% with everything you said. I feel exactly the same way.

Permalink Reply by Tereca Megee on May 23, 2011 at 9:00pm

I lost the love of my life on October 17, 2010. Some days the pain iis fresh and raw, but that's when in some way he let's me know I will be ok. I too had a cifficult time being with our son and grandchildren. He will miss so much. But I feel him watching over us, as does my sone and even the baby. Some days she gets out the bells he gave her just before he died and walks around saying "Papaw. Papaw." as she rings the bells. This from a babe of 14 m onths when he passed over. Some days "our" song breaks my heart, other days it brings great comfort His last few weeks he kept telling me to be happy again, whatever it took. I am trying for him mostly, but at least I am trying. We started dating when we were 15, married at 18, and he died of a rare cancer at 54. If I can move forward, I have faith that the rest of you can too. Some days is really hard, other days are better, and there is never a day I don't miss him. But I know he will be waiting for me when it is my time to "Go Home". May our Lord bring you all some peace, as He has me.

Permalink Reply by Tereca Megee on May 23, 2011 at 9:00pm

Permalink Reply by Carol Kayser on May 23, 2011 at 10:38pm

Suzanne, how beautiful and heart wrenching at the same time. I believe with all my heart that our loved ones can hear us, so keep talking with him and telling him you love him, I tell my beloved sweetheart Jack that every day. I know he walks with me, and it gives me such comfort. The knowledge that they aren't hurting and they are in a loving place, that brings me peace, may it bring you peace also.

I agree with all your words, from the music to the smiling to the moments of aloneness, and I think the way you express your feelings is remarkable and truthful and thank you for that.

God Bless,

Carol

Permalink Reply by Connie on May 23, 2011 at 10:45pm

Suzanne, You write a story of my life. I am having a really difficult time still. It will be 19 months on June 9th. I feel worse now than I did in the beginning. I guess I was in shock initially and, although my heart was broken. I was able to go through the motions of preparing for his funeral and, of course, had a house full of company to keep my mind on other things. Once the funeral is over and everyone leaves, reality sets in. I still look for Phil when I wake up in the morning. You would think after all this time, I would know that he is not there and not going to be there. Suzanne, he is on my mind constantly. I think of him all of the time. No matter what I am doing, I am thinking of times we had together and how happy we were and the fun we had just being together. Nothing is the same - nothing, nothing, nothing. Our daughter's graduation day, although it was beautiful, was so sad for me. I cried when she went up for her diploma. The same thing happened at our grandaughter's 1st Holy Communion. I try so hard not to let the kids see me crying. Suzanne, I am so tired of making believe that I am doing okay. I tell everyone that I am doing okay because they really don't want to hear how I am and I don't care to tell them. I wish that I could have my husband back for just one day so that I could tell him how much I love him and that I don't want to live without him. Again, this is not possible but that is what it would take to make me feel better. He was sedated for 5 weeks before he passed. The nurses said that he could hear us and that his mind was "just in the minute". He would forget as soon as he heard it. I sat and rubbed him and told him that I love him and always will love him. I don't know if he knew what I was saying. If only I could know that he did know that I love him, maybe I could feel better. I did not have the opportunity to hold him and reassure him when he passed. Why did that nurse not give him something to bring his heart rate up until I could get there. All these things are still bothering me. I can't rest not knowing the answers to these. Suzanne, I hope to talk to you soon. Are you home during the day? I think I wrote your phone number down the last time you called. I have had my niece staying with me for a while and we were gettting ready for our graduation and Communion. I do want to sit down when I have no one around and talk to you. God Bless

Permalink Reply by Deb on May 24, 2011 at 12:03am

Double Amen -- my feelings exactly, Suzanne! Tomorrow, 5/24/2011, would be my Junior's 70th birthday. I still love and miss him as much as I did just after his passing in June 2009. Your post above put my exact feelings into words that could not have been written better. God bless you, everyone, and hugs to all! Thank you for your post!

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on May 24, 2011 at 10:53am

suzanne: dan is looking over you you have to beleive this i to go home to a empty house i find myself going to sleep really early because i have no one to talk to except myself )smile) i guess as long as i do not answer myself i am ok. my heart goes out to you because of the way your husband suffered. george went fast he was talking to me one minute and then fell before i knew it, i can said at least i told him i loved him and he told me the same think i still question george as to why he left me but i know i will not get any answer i have to beleive he is looking over me i still talk to him sometimes when i hear a song that he used to sing to me (trying to sing to me) i sing it real loud one on the songs was funny face country western suzanne take care of yourself and beleive dan is watching over you just think you had to move and now you do not that should tell you something just think about your son he will be ok the outcome will be a good one god bless and danny is in my prayers as well as you

Permalink Reply by Connie on May 24, 2011 at 4:58pm

Kathy, I have been thinking about you but I don't have your phone number. Give me a call when you have a chance. Kathy, you can call me in the evening when you are alone. I would be happy to have someone to talk to. Being home alone really stinks. That is why I hate to go out. I have to come home to an empty house. Hope to hear from you soon.

kathy obiedzinski said:

suzanne: dan is looking over you you have to beleive this i to go home to a empty house i find myself going to sleep really early because i have no one to talk to except myself )smile) i guess as long as i do not answer myself i am ok. my heart goes out to you because of the way your husband suffered. george went fast he was talking to me one minute and then fell before i knew it, i can said at least i told him i loved him and he told me the same think i still question george as to why he left me but i know i will not get any answer i have to beleive he is looking over me i still talk to him sometimes when i hear a song that he used to sing to me (trying to sing to me) i sing it real loud one on the songs was funny face country western suzanne take care of yourself and beleive dan is watching over you just think you had to move and now you do not that should tell you something just think about your son he will be ok the outcome will be a good one god bless and danny is in my prayers as well as you