Missing Mom

Grief support for all who have lost moms

Losing your mother can be traumatic at any age. Share your grief and talk with others who are coping with the loss of their mothers.

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Permalink Reply by Tracy Shiffer on May 4, 2009 at 2:29pm

I lost my mom on Christmas Eve 2008. She had gone in for an operation on 12/2 and we were visiting. Everything was fine and we left on the 7th. By the 17th she was back in the hospital and on the 23rd we left to go see her - by the time we got there she was on life support - I had to make the gut wrenching decision to disconnect her. My dad was inconsolable. I stayed for another week, came home for a couple of days and went back for another week. I am an only child so he was relying on me heavily. I found him a place to buy here in Illinois, set up the moving company, got everything arranged and got him moved. When he got to Illinois I was in the middle of moving due to a divorce and wasn't able to help out all the much - there was other family helping though. Within 1 week of moving here I had been disowned and told not to come back. So within 4 months time I had lost my mother, my husband and my dad. Also 4 years ago I lost my best friend to cancer - it was a long 4 year struggle.

Can anyone tell me how I am supposed to cope with all this loss? I have lost all my support and don't know where to turn or who to talk to.

Permalink Reply by Sally Bagwell on November 13, 2010 at 6:42pm

Hi Tracy,I'm very sorry your Mother passed. My Mom passed 2 yrs ago on Oct 1 st she had Lung cancer so I do know how aweful you feel. I can tell you this, it does get better to cope with it just take's time to learn how to live without them. I stayed in my bedroom for 9 wks! I'm thankful I didn't have a small child to care for when I didn't care if I lived or died. I think what brought me around was I was in such denial and I had to face it, embrace it and get up. I'm a Mom, wife & sister and a good friend. I know my mom wanted me to keep living but it's so very hard. So my breaking loose was standing in the mirror looking like crap, I got dressed and went to the Cemetary and asked her if she could please give me some strength to keep living. After being there for a hour I went back home, and I began to feel better! It's so hard to explain, I had a really good day and it felt wonderful to feel like my old self. After a few weeks passed I was having a few day's a week where I was just me. I'm still a mess but I have made it! Her death changed me a part of me died with her. I hate it when people tell me that after 2 yrs I should be over it & of corse this person's mom is alive so I told her just like it was! We will make it, it's one day at a time! It's okay to cry, it's okay if you need your own space, but be good to yourself it's really important! Take care & stay in-touch, God Bless you Friend!

Tracy Shiffer said:

I lost my mom on Christmas Eve 2008. She had gone in for an operation on 12/2 and we were visiting. Everything was fine and we left on the 7th. By the 17th she was back in the hospital and on the 23rd we left to go see her - by the time we got there she was on life support - I had to make the gut wrenching decision to disconnect her. My dad was inconsolable. I stayed for another week, came home for a couple of days and went back for another week. I am an only child so he was relying on me heavily. I found him a place to buy here in Illinois, set up the moving company, got everything arranged and got him moved. When he got to Illinois I was in the middle of moving due to a divorce and wasn't able to help out all the much - there was other family helping though. Within 1 week of moving here I had been disowned and told not to come back. So within 4 months time I had lost my mother, my husband and my dad. Also 4 years ago I lost my best friend to cancer - it was a long 4 year struggle. Can anyone tell me how I am supposed to cope with all this loss? I have lost all my support and don't know where to turn or who to talk to.

Permalink Reply by Ady on January 1, 2011 at 9:15pm

Do not stand at my grave and weep i am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn's rain. When you awake in the morning's hush, i am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry, i am not there. I did not die.

Tracy Shiffer said:

I lost my mom on Christmas Eve 2008. She had gone in for an operation on 12/2 and we were visiting. Everything was fine and we left on the 7th. By the 17th she was back in the hospital and on the 23rd we left to go see her - by the time we got there she was on life support - I had to make the gut wrenching decision to disconnect her. My dad was inconsolable. I stayed for another week, came home for a couple of days and went back for another week. I am an only child so he was relying on me heavily. I found him a place to buy here in Illinois, set up the moving company, got everything arranged and got him moved. When he got to Illinois I was in the middle of moving due to a divorce and wasn't able to help out all the much - there was other family helping though. Within 1 week of moving here I had been disowned and told not to come back. So within 4 months time I had lost my mother, my husband and my dad. Also 4 years ago I lost my best friend to cancer - it was a long 4 year struggle. Can anyone tell me how I am supposed to cope with all this loss? I have lost all my support and don't know where to turn or who to talk to.

Permalink Reply by Diamond on October 21, 2016 at 1:26pm

Tracy, I was just going through the discussion board and ran across your post. How are you doing now? How are things with you and have things calmed down any for you. Life is full of so much beauty and treasures that we can all enjoy. I am hoping that you have found the peace needed and that your smile is what starts your day. Remember, we all have Our Heavenly Father to comfort us.

Permalink Reply by sue on May 5, 2009 at 8:47am

You mean your dad disowned you? I don't understand? Remember he is grieving and part of that is anger and maybe he feels like you made the wrong decision. He is thinking of himself and not how much you were dealing with. Someone once told me to just say, I'm sorry I hurt you, please forgive me" even if you don't feel you were at fault but just do it for love and you don't want to give up your dad. He may have cooled off by now and is too stubborn to call you since he must know he hurt you. Might be worth a try. It is hard to disown your child and pride and control has to be the problem in my mind. Ask the lord to go before you and give you the words to heal this relationship. Time is too short.
Once when I was upset with my Mom and holding out and wouldn't talk to her (years ago), she just showed up at my door and I can still remember her getting out of the car with that determined mom look on her face. When she saw me she said, "I came here to talk to you and you might not welcome me but I am going to talk anyway". My heart melted and that was the end of that. I guess her showing up and taking the challenge and reminding me that I was loved and she was loved, melted my angry heart. Just a thought.
My beautiful mother passed 4/15/07 and I miss her so much. The first mother's day was so hard. Everywhere there were signs saying "don't forget your mother", as if I could. The mother is the root of the tree and when she passes it just feels like the tree struggles terribly until the roots start to form again. My mom was so wise. I still talk to her. She is with me since she is just such a part of who I have become. Good luck. Suep

Permalink Reply by Dana on May 5, 2009 at 4:20pm

I lost my mom November 1st, 2008. She had emphseyma, and her death was expected...but it still has been so very hard. I was her caretaker for as long as I can remember. She never drove..so any Dr appts, or groc store needs or anything.it was always me. And I know I didnt appreciate it as I should have. I have a journal that I wrote in every day after she passed, it did truly help with my grief. We are believers in Jesus Christ and I know where she is now, and that she is happy and whole, and so much better. But oh what I wouldnt give to have to go to the store for her again..or get on the phone and talk about silly mindless things that at the moment I thought I just didnt have time for. I still have her suitcase, with the things she brought over from her last visit, as if she has never left. Her tennis shoes on top of the suitcase, with her clothes neatly packed. I just can not bring myself to throw them out. I know I need to, but its like my last connection to her. I still have a voicemail that she left me while she was still in the hospital. Im heartbroken my mom is gone, but I will see her again and thats my comfort. OH, but do I miss her. I miss talking with her, I miss praying with her, I miss seeing her. I just miss her. thanks for taking the time to read this, and if you still have your mom, call her, go see her, HUG her and tell her you love her!

Permalink Reply by Sally Bagwell on October 28, 2010 at 10:50am

I so know how you feel! Im now in my 2nd year of the loss of my Mom too. I feel like a big part of me died too. It help's to be on this site! I have learned that its ok to be mad, it's okay if I don't want to go place's, it's ok to grieve and the people in our life's need to let us do what it is to heal from all this. It's getting better for me, Mom told me to live my life and keep living & that she will alway's be with me. So one day I was in very bad shape, I got down on my knee's & said, "Mom, I'm nothing without you! Your my best friend I ever had & I can't do this! I can't get out of bed so please help me because I'm going crazy! So I got back up and within 15 minutes I felt better than I felt in a long time! Some how she lifted me up & it turned out to be a good day. So try it, I do it about 1-2 times aweek & I'm starting to live again, I'm not the same but I'm learning to live without her it just takes time. So what your going thur is your own personal grief, embrace it you'll get thur this it's very hard & our Loved one's want us to keep living our life's it just take's awhile! We are here to support you! Take care

Dana said:

I lost my mom November 1st, 2008. She had emphseyma, and her death was expected...but it still has been so very hard. I was her caretaker for as long as I can remember. She never drove..so any Dr appts, or groc store needs or anything.it was always me. And I know I didnt appreciate it as I should have. I have a journal that I wrote in every day after she passed, it did truly help with my grief. We are believers in Jesus Christ and I know where she is now, and that she is happy and whole, and so much better. But oh what I wouldnt give to have to go to the store for her again..or get on the phone and talk about silly mindless things that at the moment I thought I just didnt have time for. I still have her suitcase, with the things she brought over from her last visit, as if she has never left. Her tennis shoes on top of the suitcase, with her clothes neatly packed. I just can not bring myself to throw them out. I know I need to, but its like my last connection to her. I still have a voicemail that she left me while she was still in the hospital. Im heartbroken my mom is gone, but I will see her again and thats my comfort. OH, but do I miss her. I miss talking with her, I miss praying with her, I miss seeing her. I just miss her. thanks for taking the time to read this, and if you still have your mom, call her, go see her, HUG her and tell her you love her!

Permalink Reply by Sally Bagwell on October 28, 2010 at 10:51am

I lost my mom November 1st, 2008. She had emphseyma, and her death was expected...but it still has been so very hard. I was her caretaker for as long as I can remember. She never drove..so any Dr appts, or groc store needs or anything.it was always me. And I know I didnt appreciate it as I should have. I have a journal that I wrote in every day after she passed, it did truly help with my grief. We are believers in Jesus Christ and I know where she is now, and that she is happy and whole, and so much better. But oh what I wouldnt give to have to go to the store for her again..or get on the phone and talk about silly mindless things that at the moment I thought I just didnt have time for. I still have her suitcase, with the things she brought over from her last visit, as if she has never left. Her tennis shoes on top of the suitcase, with her clothes neatly packed. I just can not bring myself to throw them out. I know I need to, but its like my last connection to her. I still have a voicemail that she left me while she was still in the hospital. Im heartbroken my mom is gone, but I will see her again and thats my comfort. OH, but do I miss her. I miss talking with her, I miss praying with her, I miss seeing her. I just miss her. thanks for taking the time to read this, and if you still have your mom, call her, go see her, HUG her and tell her you love her!

Permalink Reply by Lori Sue Bowser on May 5, 2009 at 8:43pm

I lost my Mom on Saturday May 2nd.I am devastated.What do I do????
Dana said:

I lost my mom November 1st, 2008. She had emphseyma, and her death was expected...but it still has been so very hard. I was her caretaker for as long as I can remember. She never drove..so any Dr appts, or groc store needs or anything.it was always me. And I know I didnt appreciate it as I should have. I have a journal that I wrote in every day after she passed, it did truly help with my grief. We are believers in Jesus Christ and I know where she is now, and that she is happy and whole, and so much better. But oh what I wouldnt give to have to go to the store for her again..or get on the phone and talk about silly mindless things that at the moment I thought I just didnt have time for. I still have her suitcase, with the things she brought over from her last visit, as if she has never left. Her tennis shoes on top of the suitcase, with her clothes neatly packed. I just can not bring myself to throw them out. I know I need to, but its like my last connection to her. I still have a voicemail that she left me while she was still in the hospital. Im heartbroken my mom is gone, but I will see her again and thats my comfort. OH, but do I miss her. I miss talking with her, I miss praying with her, I miss seeing her. I just miss her. thanks for taking the time to read this, and if you still have your mom, call her, go see her, HUG her and tell her you love her!

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on May 6, 2009 at 3:31pm

Tracy,
I am so sorry to learn of your multiple losses. Its possible that the move happened too soon for your father, who is also mourning your mother. I lost my mother at the end of January, so I can relate to the depths of your grief. However one bit of advice I received as I continue to adjust to the shock of it all was "Make no major decisions for at least a year - for everything will be clouded by your grief." This would apply to the move your father made...however this is now done and may not be easily reversed. There is also something I have observed when friends have had to make a decision to move their parents into other senior's accommodations...it seems that for at least about 6 weeks the parents resent the person who made that decision for them. After all, our parents will always want to be the ones who make the decisions and they must find it very difficult to have someone acting on their behalf. It is important tho' that you try to mend this rift with your father if only by showing up and telling him that you still love him, he will always be your father and you still want him in your life. Do not let this fester. You need each other and the stress of the loss, etc could take a toll on his health too.

My dear mother passed when I was not ready to let her go; although she did her best to warn me with comments such as "At my age you have to expect anything" and "what will be will be". I think she knew how hard it would be for me to lose her but I had somehow expected there might be a period of palliative care, a warning of some sort. Instead her heart simply stopped in her sleep so there was no chance to say goodbye. However, with every visit and every phone call we always concluded our time together by saying "I love you".
My problem is that as I try to cope with this loss, a man I had believed to be my closest friend, simply abandoned me when I needed his support. In fact in the depths of my grief he chose to end our friendship so I am essentially mourning the loss of too important people. I have never known such pain.

Permalink Reply by brownladylove on May 8, 2009 at 6:57pm

I lost my Mom on 9/26/2008,she died of cancer in the gall badder,small intestine and lung. She never smoked or had a drink. She didn't allow smoking around her. It's hard on me and my brothers and sisters. My older brother and next to the youngest sister. Won't visit the website that I dedicated in her memory. I was very close to my mom, we talked all hours on the day. I mean from 4 in the morning until late at night everyday. My job works me all hours of the day and night. My mom was the one that kept me going. I cry everyday for my mom. My boyfriend don't understand his mom is still here. And my mom isn't I have an empty place in my heart for my mom.I smelled her scarf and broke down and cried. My boyfriend she's in a better place and she wouldn't want me to cry and be depressed like I am. But he don't understand I losted someone very dear to my heart. The one person I could tell anything to, and get the best advice. I still don't understand why she's gone, my heart can't accept the lost and pain. Everyone she's in time it will get easlier. I can't she how that is possible, and now Mother's Day in approaching. Thanksgiving and Christmas was very hard. Me and my sister's messed up both dinners. How do we cope with the lost of our mother without feeling the pain and hurt of knowing that we can't see and talk to her again. The house is so cold and plain that we don't even go by there anymore. She was our mother and father we losted both when we losted her.
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/ethelmcdaniel/homepage.aspx

Permalink Reply by sue on May 9, 2009 at 10:15am

You made me consider my own children's pain when I pass over some day. I too was both mother and father and we are so close. I know how much pain my own mother's passing 4/15/07 caused me and I can't stand to think of putting my children there when I go. Maybe that helps me to also understand my own mother's passing. I know she would want me to go on and find happiness but life will never be the same without Mom. My youngest niece is getting married today and I think of Mother. I can see that beautiful smile and I know she will be there in spirit. She loved her children so much that I know she has to come back for a visit at times like these. Heaven couldn't be heaven without being able to see the faces of her children at times like this. I get a sweet loving feeling just thinking how she would say, "now, that is a beautiful bride". Momma, you are the best!!! Suep