Missing Mom

Grief support for all who have lost moms

Losing your mother can be traumatic at any age. Share your grief and talk with others who are coping with the loss of their mothers.

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Permalink Reply by Jenny on February 12, 2011 at 1:56pm

Linda,

Thank youso much. I'm 46 and at times cry like a 2 year old.. It helps to know what this pain will be like in time. I too, know that everyday she and my dad will always be in my thoughts as if they were still here. I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. Your words are more powerful than perhaps you realize. God Bless You.

Jennifer
Linda said:

Jenny..I am so sorry about your mom..There really are no words. My mom went unexpectedly also but I was just 10 yrs old then..I know your pain but can only imagine how deep yours runs. I still miss her every day, at times thinking about all the things you want your mom there for and she wasn't and yes I will still cry, wishing she was here and it will be 44 yrs on Feb 20th. The pain is there but its more of a dull pain, (once in a while a sharp jab), probably because I did not get the chance to have my mother for that long. Keeping you in my thoughts..Linda, Jennifer's mom

Permalink Reply by michael a henderson on February 15, 2011 at 6:35am

hi dana, i had just lost my mother on feb 4 ,2011 and i lost my father 1 1/2 yrs ago on aug 9 2009.for the last 6 yrs i was their cargiver all by myself.i do have a brother 3 yrs older then me but has not helped me in doing anything with their burial or contacting everybody that you have after a person pass'es away.when i lost my dad i did all the arrangements for his cremation and burial at the national cementary and never had time to greive because i had to take care of my mother for the next 1 1/2 yrs full time and just like you said there were times that i did'nt have time to do something or i would get angry and would lash out at my mother then feel bad and go to her and say i was sorry and i loved herthan go on with what ever i had to do to make things easier on her.so now that she had just passed i miss her very much and wish she was still here with me.but i know that her and my father are together in a pleasant place with my younger brother now.i feel that they needed to be together now because they had their 54th wedding annversary and they had been reunited with my brother who commited suicide in 1998 and my mother and father never got any closier.so deep in my heart i feel they are all in a better place and are very happy now and just waiting for me and my other brother.if you or anyone else have any comments or suggestions on how to survive my loss'es or where to go for any type of help feel free to write me
Dana said:

I lost my mom November 1st, 2008. She had emphseyma, and her death was expected...but it still has been so very hard. I was her caretaker for as long as I can remember. She never drove..so any Dr appts, or groc store needs or anything.it was always me. And I know I didnt appreciate it as I should have. I have a journal that I wrote in every day after she passed, it did truly help with my grief. We are believers in Jesus Christ and I know where she is now, and that she is happy and whole, and so much better. But oh what I wouldnt give to have to go to the store for her again..or get on the phone and talk about silly mindless things that at the moment I thought I just didnt have time for. I still have her suitcase, with the things she brought over from her last visit, as if she has never left. Her tennis shoes on top of the suitcase, with her clothes neatly packed. I just can not bring myself to throw them out. I know I need to, but its like my last connection to her. I still have a voicemail that she left me while she was still in the hospital. Im heartbroken my mom is gone, but I will see her again and thats my comfort. OH, but do I miss her. I miss talking with her, I miss praying with her, I miss seeing her. I just miss her. thanks for taking the time to read this, and if you still have your mom, call her, go see her, HUG her and tell her you love her!

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on February 15, 2011 at 7:23am

Having to put on a brave face . As many probably will or have had to do which is take care of the business aspects of your loved ones after they have passed . This I find now coming into the tax season of all time the year to try to shut down my feelings so to be able to handle what I need to , The depth of this pain from grief has on many days kept me frozen not able to move yet in this I have to, having to go and talk to someone about my dear Mother and her taxes with out crying . Something I so able to do in the beginning but now well I seem to have lost the shut off valve. Yet in having to appear at least some what able and apt to take care of this for her I need to just really do not know yet how I am able to since also I am walking in with my Sisters papers who also just passed away . I have not been brave through any of this rather I feel shame and guilt for all that I feel . The time time thing everyone talks about must be a secret or I have yet been able to hear the answer of when or if it all stops . I dont think so myself . My love for my Mother though I do not remember started probably the first day she held me or even before . Something that just is . As she somehow was able love me . Going to the tax man should be the least I can do , I goodness I was somehow able to walk through all the other things one needs to do , yet then , my Sister was there taking care of all as we tried to our best for our Mother after she passed away . Never thinking a few short months my Sister too would pass . Gathering all of their papers as the feelings seem to tear inside wishing they were here . Not so that they would have to go to do the taxes , but you know even that we could make a fun day out of it . I know strange and funny as that may sound but goodness how else if not to laugh about it . No one now to laugh with , or ever to cry with . The empty room now filled with bank statements etc . and why ? Still I can not explain or give a reason for why they both passed or even that my Father not long before them . This is as difficult to answer ,as now trying to shut down my feelings. This all seems to make it so official though I already know it is true . Why in this ? As put all of the papers in a folder , marked with my Mothers and my Sisters name ,I will sure to grab that box of Kleenex I have spoke of before , hopefully I will find that brave jacket in my closet to wear for I fear he first mention of her her name will come the first tear .

To all of you please take care .

Permalink Reply by Linda on February 20, 2011 at 11:11am

Today, Feb 20th, marks 44 years that my mom has been gone. There is still some sadness, will always be, now I just hope she and my daughter, Jennifer, found each other. I love and miss you mom so much but never as much as I have since Jennie went to be with you. (I just wanted my "mommy" to hold me and tell me it's ok and I still want her for that.)

Permalink Reply by River of Tears on February 22, 2011 at 5:22am

Dear Linda , As I read what you shared my heart sank , for you . If only I can say my thoughts are with you . As many may not understand that the sadness may be with us not matter how long or how close it has been since our loved one has passed away . As I am just facing the struggle now these first since Sisters passed away and just before not long before my Mother and Father . With in a year or so I am sitting now alone, wondering how this can be . Yet when I read what you shared with such deep emotion , it is so telling that love never ends nor does the missing of our loved ones . Though the world many walk on or our friend and even family may just have carried on it still is something we will hold in our hearts no matter how long it is . There is once again the stop watch that comes along with grief and pain . At least I do not for see it . I am so sorry that you listed both your Mother and your Daughter , only imagining the pain and anguish this has been for you . The hope you have that they will be together is one I so hope for too . This I think is the only thing that I can hold on to at this point if not for that then I can not find reason what they all passed away all at the same time . Maybe it was to be there for one another or that Gods Angels came and touched our lives and needed needed to return to heaven . I am not sure . Though what you shared the LOVE is the one thing that was as many express that is so tangible that it brings me to tears. . All I wish for you is any comfort that you may need if only for someone close to you to hug you , as you so want to hug your Mother and Daughter . If I were to hug my Mother Father and Sister now I could not let them go , this is something I wish I knew before so that time and they would not have slipped away .

May you and all find comfort and may that hug that you may need too .

Please take care .

Linda said:

Today, Feb 20th, marks 44 years that my mom has been gone. There is still some sadness, will always be, now I just hope she and my daughter, Jennifer, found each other. I love and miss you mom so much but never as much as I have since Jennie went to be with you. (I just wanted my "mommy" to hold me and tell me it's ok and I still want her for that.)

Permalink Reply by Dottie's Daughter on February 28, 2011 at 3:01pm

I sit here this morning looking at the clock finding it hard to believe my Mom passed away exactly 5 months ago a few minutes before 8am. Exactly 5 months ago I was sitting on the side of her hospital bed holding her hand that morning while watching her take her last breaths unable to believe what I was seeing. Leaning down with my cheek to her cheek…crying & crying…unable to stop myself from saying over and over again… “Mom…mom…mom….like she would suddenly open her eyes and say its okay…I’m alright honey.” My disbelief that the nurse was saying she was leaving us…I couldn’t believe it then and now when I think about it…it still feels like a bad dream. Turning around to see my husband standing at the foot of the bed crying with me…seeing and knowing what was coming but not wanting to accept it. How I've hated that day! Now I understand how much I didn’t know that morning. How much I didn’t comprehend how the beginning of the end was her injury 5 months before which would change all of our lives. How I took everything for granted day by day before she fell…not getting it could all be gone with one little stumble. How my thoughts at the time were always that she would get better. I should have listened to my niece the RN who told me that first night in the ER that life had changed! I should have understood but I had the belief Mom would get through all this and come home to her little apartment and things would be like they always had been. Now in hindsight I realize there was nothing I could do to change the outcome. Life was changing and all the “if only” times when I begged God to make Mom better, the “if only” we could go back in time to the days before she broke her pelvis…the “if only” times I wanted it to be the way it had always been. Now I know there was nothing I do…how her health had declined over the years…how frail she really was…how much she must have missed my stepfather who had died 2 yrs before…how it was just her time to go Sept 28th 2010. Now I try to think how lucky I was…how I got to spend 55 yrs with her…how lucky I was to have a Mom who had 80 good years on this earth! The selfish part of me misses her so much and wants her back…the realist in me knows how lucky I was to have had her so long in my life. I know in my heart she is in a better place now, no pain, no sadness, with loved ones forever especially her Grandaughter she missed so much! But the hole in my heart won’t heal anytime soon! I miss her so much! I get through each day somehow but time hasn’t made it any easier. How I still miss the everyday stuff that made our lives what they were…the shopping trips…talking on the phone everyday…the time spent together…the day to day humdrum of our lives I miss so much! I’m getting through the days and weeks & months but I don’t know how I am….somehow they just go by. I am happy… I am sad…I am miserable without her…I’m grateful for the years we had…I’m all of these things and more. I believe I will see her again someday and that is what sustains me. That is my hope… that is what gets me through the sad times! How can it really be 5 months since I've seen and hugged her? How can time seem to go by so quickly and I never noticed it before? Five long months.....feels like forever right now.....I miss you Mom! Does anyone else find it hard to believe time passes so fast when you miss someone or is it just me?

Permalink Reply by DEBBIE SYMONS-NETZLER on February 28, 2011 at 5:56pm

Dottie's Daughter said:

I sit here this morning looking at the clock finding it hard to believe my Mom passed away exactly 5 months ago a few minutes before 8am. Exactly 5 months ago I was sitting on the side of her hospital bed holding her hand that morning while watching her take her last breaths unable to believe what I was seeing. Leaning down with my cheek to her cheek…crying & crying…unable to stop myself from saying over and over again… “Mom…mom…mom….like she would suddenly open her eyes and say its okay…I’m alright honey.” My disbelief that the nurse was saying she was leaving us…I couldn’t believe it then and now when I think about it…it still feels like a bad dream. Turning around to see my husband standing at the foot of the bed crying with me…seeing and knowing what was coming but not wanting to accept it. How I've hated that day! Now I understand how much I didn’t know that morning. How much I didn’t comprehend how the beginning of the end was her injury 5 months before which would change all of our lives. How I took everything for granted day by day before she fell…not getting it could all be gone with one little stumble. How my thoughts at the time were always that she would get better. I should have listened to my niece the RN who told me that first night in the ER that life had changed! I should have understood but I had the belief Mom would get through all this and come home to her little apartment and things would be like they always had been. Now in hindsight I realize there was nothing I could do to change the outcome. Life was changing and all the “if only” times when I begged God to make Mom better, the “if only” we could go back in time to the days before she broke her pelvis…the “if only” times I wanted it to be the way it had always been. Now I know there was nothing I do…how her health had declined over the years…how frail she really was…how much she must have missed my stepfather who had died 2 yrs before…how it was just her time to go Sept 28th 2010. Now I try to think how lucky I was…how I got to spend 55 yrs with her…how lucky I was to have a Mom who had 80 good years on this earth! The selfish part of me misses her so much and wants her back…the realist in me knows how lucky I was to have had her so long in my life. I know in my heart she is in a better place now, no pain, no sadness, with loved ones forever especially her Grandaughter she missed so much! But the hole in my heart won’t heal anytime soon! I miss her so much! I get through each day somehow but time hasn’t made it any easier. How I still miss the everyday stuff that made our lives what they were…the shopping trips…talking on the phone everyday…the time spent together…the day to day humdrum of our lives I miss so much! I’m getting through the days and weeks & months but I don’t know how I am….somehow they just go by. I am happy… I am sad…I am miserable without her…I’m grateful for the years we had…I’m all of these things and more. I believe I will see her again someday and that is what sustains me. That is my hope… that is what gets me through the sad times! How can it really be 5 months since I've seen and hugged her? How can time seem to go by so quickly and I never noticed it before? Five long months.....feels like forever right now.....I miss you Mom! Does anyone else find it hard to believe time passes so fast when you miss someone or is it just me?

Permalink Reply by DEBBIE SYMONS-NETZLER on February 28, 2011 at 6:03pm

TO DOTTIES DAUGHTER ,, IT DOES NOT GET ANY EASIER AND I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. THE DAYS JUST GO BY WITHOUT REALIZING WHAT DAY IT IS. I ALSO HAD MY MOTHER FOR 55 YEARS. SHE WAS 81 JUST SHORT OF HER 82ND BIRTHDAY AND OH THE PLANS WE HAD . SHE KEPT SAYING SHE WOULDNT SEE IT AND SHE DIDNT. IT BROKE MY HEART EVERYDAY TO WATCH HER DYING AND NOT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.THEY SAY WITH TIME IT WITH GET BETTER BUT ITS BEEN 8 MONTHS . SHE PASSED ON JUNE 23,2010 AND EVERYDAY FEELS LIKE THE DAY SHE LEFT US. A PIECE OF ME WENT WITH HER WHEN SHE LEFT. I MAY BE SELFISH CAUSE I KNOW SHES IN A BETTER PLACE AND NO MORE SUFFERING BUT I REALLY REALLY MISS HER AND VISITING HER AND CALLING HER 10 TIMES A DAY.SHE ALWAYS LISTENED WITH A OPEN MIND AND WAS NEVER JUDGEMENTAL. SHE WAS LEGALLY BLINDED BUT THAT DIDNT STOP HER FROM DOING ANYTHING. SHE HAD A HEART OF GOLD. MAYBE JUST TALKING TO PEOPLE HELPS THAN KEEPING IT BOTTLED UP INSIDE. SO HANG IN THAT AND GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY .

Permalink Reply by Dottie's Daughter on March 2, 2011 at 1:57pm

Thanks Debbie..I feel so much like you do. A piece of me died the day my Mom died too.The last two months of my Mom's life were horrible. She had contracted Viral Encephalitis somehow and that is what she died of in Sept. After her injury of a broken pelvis in May 2010 she spent 30 days in a rehab and was well enough to come home, walking & doing great. She started behaving as if she had dementia while there. I kept telling her Dr's she never behaved like this before her injury but they felt she was elderly and had dementia. Finally a Neurologist who did all the testing necessary was able to find out what was wrong in the end. I have so many regrets and still blame myself for not getting her to him sooner. After months of begging & threatening her Insurance Co they finally referred us to a Neurologist who told me she would have recovered if he had given her treatment 3 months earlier. But by the time her Ins approved these tests she was too far gone from a brain infection. I have so many regrets and tell Mom everyday how sorry I am. She died exactly 2 wks before her 81st birthday and I try to be grateful for her long life but I feel her Dr's & Ins had a huge part in her death. I only hope in the end she knew how hard I tried to help her and how much I loved her. I miss her so much everyday, the phone calls, hanging out together..everything! You are right. Talking helps but I think these feelings will always be in my heart! You hang in there too...God bless and Hugs to you.

Permalink Reply by DEBBIE SYMONS-NETZLER on March 2, 2011 at 6:30pm

TO DOTTIES DAUGHTER. THANKS FOR ANSWERING ME. IT DOES HELP TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THROUGH. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. I HAVE MANY REGRETS, WHAT IF, WHEN IF BUT MY MOM WAS ON THIS EARTH FOR 81 YEARS SHY OF 82 AND THAT WILL ALWAYS BE THE HAPPY MEMORIES AND ALL THE WONDERFUL TIMES AND THE LAUGHTER WE HAD. TRY TO KEEP IN MIND THE GOOD TIMES . WE ALL FEEL GUILT THAT WE SHOULD HAVE DID MORE. MY WAS IF ONLY I HAD MOM COME LIVE WITH ME. THE FIRST TIME SHE CAME OUT OF THE HOSPITAL SHE NEVER WANTED TO GO TO REHAB BUT THEY TOLD HER SHE HAD TO SINCE SHE LIVED ON HER OWN. WE HAD HER HOME FOR ONE DAY AFTER A WEEK IN REHAB AND SHE ENDED BACK IN THE NURSING FACILITY. NEVER CAME HOME AFTER THAT. ITS SO HARD TO WATCH SOMEONE DIE AND NOT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. WHEN THEY TOLD US WE SHOULD HAVE HOSPICE COME IN I KNEW IN MY HEART SHE NEARING THE END BUT I DIDNT WANT TO BELIEVE IT. EVERYDAY I WENT TO SEE HER 4 TIMES A DAY AND SAT THINKING ON NO SHE WILL BE ALRIGHT. I DIDNT WANT TO FACE THE TRUTH. I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME SLEEPING I STILL SEE HER IN HER LAST MOMENTS. MY HUSBAND KEEPS TELLING ME I AM BEING SELFISH SHES IN A BETTER PLACE AND I KNOW HES RIGHT BUT I WANT HER BACK HERE TO TALK TO. SO I UNDERSTAND AND CAN RELATE TO YOU. HANG IN THERE. GOD BLESS AND CHERISH THE WARM MEMORIES IN YOUR HEART ALWAYS. THANK YOU FOR LISTENING . I REALLY NEED THIS.

Permalink Reply by Crab Apple on March 7, 2011 at 8:25pm

I lost my mom on February 7, 2011. She was sick for 4 months with a blood infection that they could not cure. I have read up on grief and the stages that you go through yet nothing could compare the pain I feel inside now. I was strong through the memorial and made it through the whole ordeal. It was difficult because my mother lived in Florida and I lived in New England. When she first got sick, I flew down there for 2 weeks. She was in a coma for 8 days and came out of it. A few days later, I had to return home to go back to work. She got better for a while but then started to decline. What was so frustrating is the second hand news that I was getting about her condition - I felt helpless. I knew inside that she probably wouldn't pull through this and she didn't. She died a month ago today and I went back to Florida again. After returning home, for the past few weeks, I feel as if someone punched me in the stomach. I feel as if I just want to curl up and wallow in my sorrow. In spite of this, I pick myself up everyday and go to work and pretend that I can function. I am hurting a real pain that won't go away. I can't believe I will never see my mom again. I will be 50 in a few months and I feel like a child. Why does God put people in your life only to take them away?

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on March 7, 2011 at 10:58pm

Dear C.A.,

My heartfelt sympathy to you on the loss of your Mom. Your reaction to her passing sounds so much like what I went through, and I was also some distance from my mother when she passed away in hospital. Everything you described had such a familiar ring to it. Even your reference to trying to pretend you were coping with the loss. I, too, did my best to pretend and found I was doing so much of my crying in my sleep. I would wake up in the morning feeling exhausted, my eyes filled with tears, my pillow soaked. Try as I might, it was becoming increasingly difficult to pretend that everything was fine and months later I dared to see a doctor about my grief. He told me I should have come to see him much sooner but you don't think about these things while you are deep in grief. Eventually I found some comfort in communicating with some of my mother's closest friends and relatives. Yes, there were tears in these conversations, but we would share our memories of my mother and cry together. In doing so, I felt as tho my Mom had reached out to put her arm around my shoulder and comfort me. I also found it helpful to keep a daily journal and use it as a way to "communicate" with my Mom
. Every day I would set down my thoughts and feelings for the day as tho I were writing her a letter. Some days I might only write a paragraph, other days I would write pages. It was just rather therapeutic to put my feelings into words at that time.

My mother passed away just over two years ago but there are days when it still feels so raw and I still miss her so very much. As someone else told me not long ago "You never get over the loss of your mother, you only get through it."

I hope C.A. that you will find a close friend or relative of your mother's and spend some time exchanging your memories of your mother with them. You might come to discoer that it will do both of you a world of good to have such a conversation.

In the meantime, C.A. if you feel you may be slipping into a depression in your grief, do not wait as long as I did before consulting your family doctor.

Blessings to you at this sad time,

Yvonne
Crab Apple said:

I lost my mom on February 7, 2011. She was sick for 4 months with a blood infection that they could not cure. I have read up on grief and the stages that you go through yet nothing could compare the pain I feel inside now. I was strong through the memorial and made it through the whole ordeal. It was difficult because my mother lived in Florida and I lived in New England. When she first got sick, I flew down there for 2 weeks. She was in a coma for 8 days and came out of it. A few days later, I had to return home to go back to work. She got better for a while but then started to decline. What was so frustrating is the second hand news that I was getting about her condition - I felt helpless. I knew inside that she probably wouldn't pull through this and she didn't. She died a month ago today and I went back to Florida again. After returning home, for the past few weeks, I feel as if someone punched me in the stomach. I feel as if I just want to curl up and wallow in my sorrow. In spite of this, I pick myself up everyday and go to work and pretend that I can function. I am hurting a real pain that won't go away. I can't believe I will never see my mom again. I will be 50 in a few months and I feel like a child. Why does God put people in your life only to take them away?