Missing Mom

Grief support for all who have lost moms

Losing your mother can be traumatic at any age. Share your grief and talk with others who are coping with the loss of their mothers.

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Permalink Reply by Marilyn on October 6, 2009 at 12:29am

Thank you Paula and Jennifer. It feels good to be able to share some of this. I have a wonderful support system that tries to be there for me, but nothing can take the place of calling my mother on commercial breaks inbetween TV programs or in the early morning when we would talk and gossip, or just picking up the phone or stopping by her house and sharing the wonderful nothings of life. I so loved her company and basked in her unconditional love for me. I guess that's why I pretend she's with me and find myself talking to her. At least I know I'm not crazy. I do think I am in shock. The last few months were a horror as I forced myself out of denial and watched her slowly die. She was so ready to go but remained for me. I know that. We so loved each other. I may look for a grief support group.

Permalink Reply by Jennifer on October 6, 2009 at 3:32am

I just started a group, however,helpful, to a point. Most of the participants have lost a spouse. I know a loss.. is a loss.. is a loss, but Mom's,... I think it is an extraordinary,HUGE whole in your heart, beyond words. Give it a try, it can't hurt. Keep me posted.

Marilyn said:

Thank you Paula and Jennifer. It feels good to be able to share some of this. I have a wonderful support system that tries to be there for me, but nothing can take the place of calling my mother on commercial breaks inbetween TV programs or in the early morning when we would talk and gossip, or just picking up the phone or stopping by her house and sharing the wonderful nothings of life. I so loved her company and basked in her unconditional love for me. I guess that's why I pretend she's with me and find myself talking to her. At least I know I'm not crazy. I do think I am in shock. The last few months were a horror as I forced myself out of denial and watched her slowly die. She was so ready to go but remained for me. I know that. We so loved each other. I may look for a grief support group.

Permalink Reply by white dove on October 6, 2009 at 7:10am

Jennifer said:

I just started a group, however,helpful, to a point. Most of the participants have lost a spouse. I know a loss.. is a loss.. is a loss, but Mom's,... I think it is an extraordinary,HUGE whole in your heart, beyond words. Give it a try, it can't hurt. Keep me posted.

Marilyn said:
Thank you Paula and Jennifer. It feels good to be able to share some of this. I have a wonderful support system that tries to be there for me, but nothing can take the place of calling my mother on commercial breaks inbetween TV programs or in the early morning when we would talk and gossip, or just picking up the phone or stopping by her house and sharing the wonderful nothings of life. I so loved her company and basked in her unconditional love for me. I guess that's why I pretend she's with me and find myself talking to her. At least I know I'm not crazy. I do think I am in shock. The last few months were a horror as I forced myself out of denial and watched her slowly die. She was so ready to go but remained for me. I know that. We so loved each other. I may look for a grief support group.

Permalink Reply by white dove on October 6, 2009 at 7:25am

This is strange.. i typed out a message and it wouldn't come up! well, i hope i'm not repeating myself here but i will try again. I noticed a few of us took care of our moms. I would like to share one journey with my mom. It was while she was comatose. My sister and daughter ran some errands. And asked me if i was o.k. being alone with mom. I said Of Course! I love being alone with mom. this being our special time. I held her very soft and warm hand and we drifted off together.. My mom showed me amazing beautiful purple flowers.. from bud form to full bloom! Fields and fields of them!! The most spectaculiar show ive ever seen. I can compair this to a type of meditation. Me floating with her.... out into the universe. I will never forget this time. After my moms passing, i decorated the Church basement in purples.... bought lilacs for each table also. And this being the day after Easter Sunday, it was most appropriate for various reasons...
So each time my daughter and i saw purple flowers... and believe me there were so many this year.. we knew who was partially responsible for our constant reminders:) I have been and still remain open for any message from my mom. Of course the ultimate would be to see her but no go. Even with some "not of this world" messages, I miss her terribly. We did have many difficulties thru the years with our relationship, however in taking care of her, she made ALL RIGHT. Of which i will be eternally grateful~~~

Paula Schneider (white dove) said:

Jennifer said:
I just started a group, however,helpful, to a point. Most of the participants have lost a spouse. I know a loss.. is a loss.. is a loss, but Mom's,... I think it is an extraordinary,HUGE whole in your heart, beyond words. Give it a try, it can't hurt. Keep me posted.

Marilyn said:
Thank you Paula and Jennifer. It feels good to be able to share some of this. I have a wonderful support system that tries to be there for me, but nothing can take the place of calling my mother on commercial breaks inbetween TV programs or in the early morning when we would talk and gossip, or just picking up the phone or stopping by her house and sharing the wonderful nothings of life. I so loved her company and basked in her unconditional love for me. I guess that's why I pretend she's with me and find myself talking to her. At least I know I'm not crazy. I do think I am in shock. The last few months were a horror as I forced myself out of denial and watched her slowly die. She was so ready to go but remained for me. I know that. We so loved each other. I may look for a grief support group.

Permalink Reply by white dove on October 7, 2009 at 9:50am

I am wondering, Does anyone have "bad days" when its raining out? Oh... yesterday was a dooozey for us~~ I think the weather traps us in the house, and the memories come flooding back. These days have become fewer (Thank God), but, geeez when they come, i am paralyzed! My mind gets stuck on the worst times during my mom's illness.... and her last days... all i can do is lay, and not communicate with anyone. I thank GOD for this site, cuz i don't know what i'd do if i couldn't bounce this off someone... I pray for those who never found direction or a sounding board during these times. Thanks and prayers for ALL!

Paula (white dove) said:

This is strange.. i typed out a message and it wouldn't come up! well, i hope i'm not repeating myself here but i will try again. I noticed a few of us took care of our moms. I would like to share one journey with my mom. It was while she was comatose. My sister and daughter ran some errands. And asked me if i was o.k. being alone with mom. I said Of Course! I love being alone with mom. this being our special time. I held her very soft and warm hand and we drifted off together.. My mom showed me amazing beautiful purple flowers.. from bud form to full bloom! Fields and fields of them!! The most spectaculiar show ive ever seen. I can compair this to a type of meditation. Me floating with her.... out into the universe. I will never forget this time. After my moms passing, i decorated the Church basement in purples.... bought lilacs for each table also. And this being the day after Easter Sunday, it was most appropriate for various reasons...
So each time my daughter and i saw purple flowers... and believe me there were so many this year.. we knew who was partially responsible for our constant reminders:) I have been and still remain open for any message from my mom. Of course the ultimate would be to see her but no go. Even with some "not of this world" messages, I miss her terribly. We did have many difficulties thru the years with our relationship, however in taking care of her, she made ALL RIGHT. Of which i will be eternally grateful~~~

Paula Schneider (white dove) said:
Jennifer said:
I just started a group, however,helpful, to a point. Most of the participants have lost a spouse. I know a loss.. is a loss.. is a loss, but Mom's,... I think it is an extraordinary,HUGE whole in your heart, beyond words. Give it a try, it can't hurt. Keep me posted.

Marilyn said:
Thank you Paula and Jennifer. It feels good to be able to share some of this. I have a wonderful support system that tries to be there for me, but nothing can take the place of calling my mother on commercial breaks inbetween TV programs or in the early morning when we would talk and gossip, or just picking up the phone or stopping by her house and sharing the wonderful nothings of life. I so loved her company and basked in her unconditional love for me. I guess that's why I pretend she's with me and find myself talking to her. At least I know I'm not crazy. I do think I am in shock. The last few months were a horror as I forced myself out of denial and watched her slowly die. She was so ready to go but remained for me. I know that. We so loved each other. I may look for a grief support group.

Permalink Reply by Deanna Gibbons on October 10, 2009 at 7:27pm

It is very traumatic to lose your mother Im 38 my mom was only 63 I miss her sooo much She passed away 9/9/09 of COPD after being in the hospital for a month. I didnt see her for a year and soon as I brought her from Tenn. She went into the Hosp. She was my best friend I could tell her anything&everything.She is the only person that stuck by me and didnt judge me after years of drug abuse. I love her so much. It is remarkable how I was in so much denial I didnt allow myself to think that She would Die.And now that she is gone.I hurt my heart is broken. I miss you so much mom and I love you.

Permalink Reply by Deanna Gibbons on October 10, 2009 at 9:04pm

My mom died of COPD too on 9/9/09. I know how you are feeling my mom at times was difffucult.So there were times that I was short with her.I miss her soo much.What I wouldnt do to let her know how dear she was too me & too make sure she knew how much she was loved.One day in the hospital she seemed great I thought she was going to be able to come home & the next day she was on life support and heavily sedated which she stayed that way for a month until she passed away. So I didnt have the chance to say goodbye.And to make sure she knew she was appreciated& loved and severely missed.I miss all the phone calls. I still have her # on my cell phone.

Lisa Parker said:

I read your story and can't believe how much I can relate. My mom had COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder) for almost 15 years. She was on ogygen 24X7 for that entire time. I took care of her every need. I was at her house at least 4 times a week - often times more. I called her 3 times a day. She demanded a lot of my time and sometimes forgot how hard it was for me to juggle her needs along with those of my family and work. I sometimes got short with her or frustrated that she didn't think about how difficult things soemtimes got for me. Now that she's gone I feel so empty and long for the feeling of being overwhelmed with taking care of her. I miss her so much. I know exactly what you're talking about because the goofy things she would talk about over the phone I half listened to at times and now would give anything to have. My mom lost her battle just two days ago and I am so sad I can't stop crying.

Permalink Reply by white dove on October 10, 2009 at 9:39pm

I can relate also, to an up and down relationship with my mom! Many who know "us" probably wonder why i mourn her so much! Seeing as how we surely had our problems through the years. But as people say, no one can replace our moms and that is so true. My mom was terribly ill for about 2 and a half months. but prior i moved her next door to us so we could care for her more easily..(alzheimers copd emphasema and a perferated bowel that sent her to the hospital) but she was usually a negative pole :) not seeing much positive in life. Nor could we hug or touch her to show our love, (result of prior abuse from dear old dad)... this wore on us. I was constantly trying to correct her way of thinking. However, during the intense caring for her as we did, she changed! I like to say She made ALL good! dont get me wrong, there were some extreme times (they called it terminal restlessness), where her demands were so overwhelming i did snap a couple times... even considered taking a little break and take her to a center for a week, but i changed my mind knowing it was not something she would have wanted.. and i definately would have felt very bad after. but in the realm of things i know she Now understands! She sees, and knows all truth. I find myself missing her in Every shape and form now too. Especially her saying of: "Everything is going to be alright". There is no one in my life that tells me this anymore. I too would give anything for those little "irritants" or so i thought........

Deanna Gibbons said:

My mom died of COPD too on 9/9/09. I know how you are feeling my mom at times was difffucult.So there were times that I was short with her.I miss her soo much.What I wouldnt do to let her know how dear she was too me & too make sure she knew how much she was loved.One day in the hospital she seemed great I thought she was going to be able to come home & the next day she was on life support and heavily sedated which she stayed that way for a month until she passed away. So I didnt have the chance to say goodbye.And to make sure she knew she was appreciated& loved and severely missed.I miss all the phone calls. I still have her # on my cell phone.

Lisa Parker said:
I read your story and can't believe how much I can relate. My mom had COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder) for almost 15 years. She was on ogygen 24X7 for that entire time. I took care of her every need. I was at her house at least 4 times a week - often times more. I called her 3 times a day. She demanded a lot of my time and sometimes forgot how hard it was for me to juggle her needs along with those of my family and work. I sometimes got short with her or frustrated that she didn't think about how difficult things soemtimes got for me. Now that she's gone I feel so empty and long for the feeling of being overwhelmed with taking care of her. I miss her so much. I know exactly what you're talking about because the goofy things she would talk about over the phone I half listened to at times and now would give anything to have. My mom lost her battle just two days ago and I am so sad I can't stop crying.

Permalink Reply by Sheila on October 12, 2009 at 5:43pm

Hi there I can relate to your story as I also lost my mom to cancer on Fed 4 2007 , Like you I am from a family of six kids and I also lived in another state, I traveled back and forth to help take care of my mom, and to spend some time with her, It was truely hard to see her die. I will never get that image out of my mind, I am greatful for all of the memories and the time I was able to spend with her, My mom also was a single mother most of her life working two or three jobs to make ends meet, Our father didnt come around until much untll later in our lives. I really miss talking to our mom as I talked to her everyday, It is hard not to pickup the phone and say did you see that on tv, Or to always say I love you.Holidays are still hard as is mothers day and her birthday. It was really hard my first birthday not getting a card or that phone call from her, One thing I am glad that my stepdad has kept for us kids is her greeting on the answer machine, So when I need to hear her voice I call and listen, Hopefully as the years go by it will get easier, But I miss her more than anything , My mother was my Hero always and forever,Some days are harder than others still , I hear a song or just anything and I start crying all over again, My mom was not just my mom she was my best freind also

Permalink Reply by Sheila on October 12, 2009 at 5:54pm

Why does it seem they only talk about brest cancer , when there are so many more cancers taking our loved ones and friends

Permalink Reply by white dove on October 12, 2009 at 6:21pm

Yes, i notice this too. My mom was thought to have "a" cancer but it was undiagnosed. There are so many others...

Sheila said:

Why does it seem they only talk about brest cancer , when there are so many more cancers taking our loved ones and friends

Permalink Reply by GailM. on October 18, 2009 at 8:26am

Jennifer said:

Paul,
Thanks for your reply and kind words. It's nice to know that others experience the same type of "craziness' as I. It makes one, at least me, believe even stronger,that my mom and dad are together and happy. I too, had a thought that perhaps I was prolonging my Mom's rest due to my mourning. I know I will never get over this, and in all honesty don't want to, however, I do think I have an inkling of what your talking about when you say one leg is out...!! I have maybe a toe or two out!! LOL!! God bless and keep the encouragement coming if you have time. I appreciate you taking the time to respond more than you know!! Thanks again.

Paula Schneider (white dove) said:
Hi Jennifer, Dont feel as if your crazy. I do know this is how we feel... it is all part of our grieving... and OMG yes, the anxiety/depression is life stopping at times! I wonder where is empathy in others? There are those in life that haven't been in "our shoes" and they can be as rude as well... i won't say... I think to myself, sure hope they don't have to experience what i did.. Still we never know the battles in life that others may be going through. I surely didn't know until now! I feel orphaned. And at my age, ive been told thats silly, but it's so true.
Our "go to" person is not here any longer.. i continue to talk to my mom, and even know her answers! I grieved SO HARD, that i felt i stopped my moms journey to Heaven.. Just last week i prayed for her to go where she needed to go.
She was so concerned for me, that she wanted to take me with her.. and because of that, my mourning really was "pulling on me". Prayer helps. Six months later, i finally feel as if my leg has been pulled out of the ground. sounds strange i know, but i felt half dead. Don't get me wrong, i continue to mourn, but in a different way now. What does scare me is: Those who are so unfeeling~ using me as their own personal whipping post. I dont know if it's human nature and dont understand why some kick those who are down. But At this time, i am doing my best at controlling my own rage. But i swear, one more kick and they may have to feel my, until now, controlled anger afterwards! Some days i just want to stay home, not answer the phone or step one foot outdoors. How does one merge back into such a violent public atmosphere?

Jennifer said:
Thank you all for writing and thank God I found this site. I too, lost my Mom, best friend,as well as my job and to boot I had to move out of our house where I cared for my mom for the past 5 years so we could have strangers go through everything and put a price on it, throw items away that are meaning less to them and I guess I'm suppose to be happy?? OMG, at times I think I'm crazy. The memories,the cloths, the hospital bag, everything I've read, I too,have done or am doing. It is awful. I lost my dad 13 years ago,love him as much as my mom, however this has kicked my behind something awful. AND... the panic/anxiety attacks are debilitating. I am so lonely and miss her terribly. As someone mentioned,((forgive me for not recalling the name) I am 45 and April 21,2009 I became the biggest baby ever. I want my mom!!! I have a sweater she wore and put in a ziploc bag so hopefully it will always smell like her. Crazy huh?? Looking at her cloths,going to the grocery store,or anywhere, IMPOSSIBLE!! eat, forget it!! I will write daily if anyone needs to talk, I think you definately have to have lost your mom to truly "get it"?? Thanks for reading this and I'll check back soon.