Missing Mom

Grief support for all who have lost moms

Losing your mother can be traumatic at any age. Share your grief and talk with others who are coping with the loss of their mothers.

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Permalink Reply by Gail Dix on December 16, 2009 at 10:40pm

Even though it's only been a couple of months...
It's hard to let go of your mother, we we're best friends, enemies, we laughed together and cried... She knew my every thought and the reasons for my every day. We'd travel a lot together and just laugh until the tears came. and share our deepest thoughts. We had fun just being together! I miss her and it's always going to be a big miss!
But not having her here seems so unreal and sometimes I want to go to sleep and wake up from a dream that's not true.
I'll always have my memories of my mother and no one can take that from me... the night before she went into the hospital for surgery I spent the night with her and we slept in the same bed she kept her arm around me the whole night, I can still feel her.

Permalink Reply by white dove on December 17, 2009 at 6:19am

awww i can relate in still feeling my mom's sweet little butterfly kisses on my cheek!

Gail Dix said:

Even though it's only been a couple of months...
It's hard to let go of your mother, we we're best friends, enemies, we laughed together and cried... She knew my every thought and the reasons for my every day. We'd travel a lot together and just laugh until the tears came. and share our deepest thoughts. We had fun just being together! I miss her and it's always going to be a big miss!
But not having her here seems so unreal and sometimes I want to go to sleep and wake up from a dream that's not true.
I'll always have my memories of my mother and no one can take that from me... the night before she went into the hospital for surgery I spent the night with her and we slept in the same bed she kept her arm around me the whole night, I can still feel her.

Permalink Reply by manuela smith on December 18, 2009 at 4:35pm

Tracy Shiffer said:

I lost my mom on Christmas Eve 2008. She had gone in for an operation on 12/2 and we were visiting. Everything was fine and we left on the 7th. By the 17th she was back in the hospital and on the 23rd we left to go see her - by the time we got there she was on life support - I had to make the gut wrenching decision to disconnect her. My dad was inconsolable. I stayed for another week, came home for a couple of days and went back for another week. I am an only child so he was relying on me heavily. I found him a place to buy here in Illinois, set up the moving company, got everything arranged and got him moved. When he got to Illinois I was in the middle of moving due to a divorce and wasn't able to help out all the much - there was other family helping though. Within 1 week of moving here I had been disowned and told not to come back. So within 4 months time I had lost my mother, my husband and my dad. Also 4 years ago I lost my best friend to cancer - it was a long 4 year struggle.

Can anyone tell me how I am supposed to cope with all this loss? I have lost all my support and don't know where to turn or who to talk to.

Permalink Reply by manuela smith on December 18, 2009 at 4:37pm

Tracy Shiffer said:

I lost my mom on Christmas Eve 2008. She had gone in for an operation on 12/2 and we were visiting. Everything was fine and we left on the 7th. By the 17th she was back in the hospital and on the 23rd we left to go see her - by the time we got there she was on life support - I had to make the gut wrenching decision to disconnect her. My dad was inconsolable. I stayed for another week, came home for a couple of days and went back for another week. I am an only child so he was relying on me heavily. I found him a place to buy here in Illinois, set up the moving company, got everything arranged and got him moved. When he got to Illinois I was in the middle of moving due to a divorce and wasn't able to help out all the much - there was other family helping though. Within 1 week of moving here I had been disowned and told not to come back. So within 4 months time I had lost my mother, my husband and my dad. Also 4 years ago I lost my best friend to cancer - it was a long 4 year struggle.

Can anyone tell me how I am supposed to cope with all this loss? I have lost all my support and don't know where to turn or who to talk to.

Permalink Reply by manuela smith on December 18, 2009 at 4:37pm

manuela smith said:

Tracy Shiffer said:
I lost my mom on Christmas Eve 2008. She had gone in for an operation on 12/2 and we were visiting. Everything was fine and we left on the 7th. By the 17th she was back in the hospital and on the 23rd we left to go see her - by the time we got there she was on life support - I had to make the gut wrenching decision to disconnect her. My dad was inconsolable. I stayed for another week, came home for a couple of days and went back for another week. I am an only child so he was relying on me heavily. I found him a place to buy here in Illinois, set up the moving company, got everything arranged and got him moved. When he got to Illinois I was in the middle of moving due to a divorce and wasn't able to help out all the much - there was other family helping though. Within 1 week of moving here I had been disowned and told not to come back. So within 4 months time I had lost my mother, my husband and my dad. Also 4 years ago I lost my best friend to cancer - it was a long 4 year struggle.

Can anyone tell me how I am supposed to cope with all this loss? I have lost all my support and don't know where to turn or who to talk to.

Permalink Reply by manuela smith on December 18, 2009 at 4:44pm

dear tracy iam so sorry about all you have to go thru i undestand your pain if you like i can be there for you in any case dont give up and know you done nothing wrongits sad how thinks can turn wen you allready down but you r not alone its hard to undestand why pplakt like that but sometimes but you can get thru all this day by day god bless you tracy

Tracy Shiffer said:

I lost my mom on Christmas Eve 2008. She had gone in for an operation on 12/2 and we were visiting. Everything was fine and we left on the 7th. By the 17th she was back in the hospital and on the 23rd we left to go see her - by the time we got there she was on life support - I had to make the gut wrenching decision to disconnect her. My dad was inconsolable. I stayed for another week, came home for a couple of days and went back for another week. I am an only child so he was relying on me heavily. I found him a place to buy here in Illinois, set up the moving company, got everything arranged and got him moved. When he got to Illinois I was in the middle of moving due to a divorce and wasn't able to help out all the much - there was other family helping though. Within 1 week of moving here I had been disowned and told not to come back. So within 4 months time I had lost my mother, my husband and my dad. Also 4 years ago I lost my best friend to cancer - it was a long 4 year struggle.

Can anyone tell me how I am supposed to cope with all this loss? I have lost all my support and don't know where to turn or who to talk to.

Permalink Reply by manuela smith on December 18, 2009 at 5:00pm

i have lost allmost everyone to but my beloved mom brocke my heart i was not able to go and see her so i calledevery day in the hospital while she was in the coma iam shure i drove the poor nurses crazy but i need it to hear her even if it was only her breathing iam so full of greave that i hardly feel anything anymore
bless you all for listening

P K said:

My mom passed away in 1997, yet there is never a day that goes by that I don't thank her for the love she and my dad gave us. My dad passed away in 1983--funny, but when he died Mom was still here...so I had the sense that everything was still okay...after she died, I sort of felt like an orphan *(even though I had brothers).

Now I know beyond a shadow of doubt that they are my "guardian angels" and I sense their nearness and remain vigilant and "open" towards the signs of their presence daily in my life. I'm still thanking them each and every day & feel their magnificent love around me!

Blessings to all of you who must mourn loved-ones, yet know they are still here with us forever.

hugs to you all !
Pam

Permalink Reply by Nancy Fed on December 18, 2009 at 7:59pm

I love my mom Dec.28,2005 and still can't seem to move on ... i miss her so much.. She wasn't ill.... My niece was going to take her and look at Christmas lights ( she loved lights ) and that is when my niece found my mom in the bathtub. What a horrible memory I have seeing her lying there is the tub with her hand folded. She laid there for 1 full day. I miss her sooooooooooo much.
I love you mom.

Permalink Reply by white dove on December 20, 2009 at 9:27am

I am so sorry for everyone's losses. A poem that was sent to us from this site was inspirring tho. And oh so true. We must not lay down and give up! This Christmas i will be visiting my mom at her Memorial tree we planted. We will not be alone. I continue to buy her cards for the Holidays and presents :) and i feel that in following our traditions, this helps a bit. I'm not into all the loud, stressing out Holiday chatter this year (first one without my mom), for i am going to be with my mom in spirit. Im sure next year will be different, but for now, this is my comfort zone. And we are also doing our best in bringing in the good, funny memories in exchange for the others... at some point, i do feel this is a great healing thing to do. Holiday Blessings to ALL!

manuela smith said:

manuela smith said:
Tracy Shiffer said:
I lost my mom on Christmas Eve 2008. She had gone in for an operation on 12/2 and we were visiting. Everything was fine and we left on the 7th. By the 17th she was back in the hospital and on the 23rd we left to go see her - by the time we got there she was on life support - I had to make the gut wrenching decision to disconnect her. My dad was inconsolable. I stayed for another week, came home for a couple of days and went back for another week. I am an only child so he was relying on me heavily. I found him a place to buy here in Illinois, set up the moving company, got everything arranged and got him moved. When he got to Illinois I was in the middle of moving due to a divorce and wasn't able to help out all the much - there was other family helping though. Within 1 week of moving here I had been disowned and told not to come back. So within 4 months time I had lost my mother, my husband and my dad. Also 4 years ago I lost my best friend to cancer - it was a long 4 year struggle.

Can anyone tell me how I am supposed to cope with all this loss? I have lost all my support and don't know where to turn or who to talk to.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on December 20, 2009 at 1:41pm

Dear all, Thank you for sharing your coping strategies and your stories. I've been feeling that perhaps I was abnormal in some way or having a nervous breakdown in the depths of this grief but now I know many others have been sharing the same sentiments.
I admit I am so very envious of those who were able to be with their Mom during their final hours of life. I was working outside of the country and so this was not possible at all for me and I also imagined that somehow I would be able to be with Mom throughout the night during Christmas Eve last year. It just didn't work out that way tho'. At that point Mom was in a ward intended for 4 beds and accommodating 5. Every patient had visitors at that time and there was no place for anyone to sit and Mom was not mobile enough to relocate to another space (if one had been available). So, our time with her on Christmas Eve was so much more brief than I would have liked. How I wish I could have brought her home if only for Christmas; how I wish I had simply tried to sleep in the hospital chapel if only to be closer to her for a little longer. So many things I would change if I had the power. It was the most difficult thing to explain to Mom that the day after New Year's I would have to return to my job overseas. However, once more we ended that visit with an exchange of "Remember I love You". During previous trips home, when I would leave for the airport, Mom would say "Don't forget, at my age you have to be prepared for almost anything -- and what-will-be-will-be". At one point about two months after her passing, while I was living in a small european country, I had an especially blue Sunday. I had been thinking how much I missed my Sunday phone calls with Mom and the tears began to flow as I reminded myself there would be no such phone calls again. Until that point I had a local radio station playing in the background and suddenly I realised that the song playing was Doris Day's "Que Sera Sera (What Will Be Will Be)" and it felt like Mom was reminding me of her advice and reaching out to put her arm around me. What I wouldn't give for one more hug from her.
I know that somehow I will get through this Christmas,and for the sake of my brother and father will try to continue with some of the traditions as best I can -- but there will be a lot of tears.
Blessings to all of you as you remember your own Mom's during this season.

Permalink Reply by Donna Rowe on December 22, 2009 at 6:03pm

Hi Everyone,

I've been reading your thoughts and feelings on the loss of your Mums, my sympathies go out to all of you, especially at this time of year.
My Mum (who was the centre of my world) passed away on the 16th September 2009 at 9.10pm aged 69yrs after a 2yr battle with lung cancer (she never smoked).
Because she was deep in her faith, her journey for the most part was positive, she accepted that as much as she would like to be healed from cancer that this may not be God's plan for her life, saying that "God will take me through whatever".
Towards the end she prepared for her departing, myself and her planned the entire funeral (which was a blessing as it reduced the stress), hymns, scripture readings, place of service, flower arrangements (colours and all!!) pall bearers, reception, where she wanted to be buried, what she would wear along with me and my sister.
As she deteriorated she spent time with almost everyone saying goodbye and leaving words of wisdom for everyone and things for everyone to be getting on with or achieving in her absence (even sent messages with family members to friends and relatives who were not present).
On the day she died she chose not to have any more oxygen (she was only taking 5mgs of morphine). The Pastor came, her room was filled with family and friends, we sang hymns, prayed, read scriptures, cried whilst she winked and waved goodbye, she said that she was at peace and we watched her life float away as her pulse weakened, her consciousness disappeared and finally the last 3 deep breaths; gone. It was ironic that her breathing was so smooth towards the end as she'd been oxygen dependent and battling to breathe in the months leading up to her death as the cancer spread throughout her lungs (the cancer was only ever in her lungs).
Mum's death was inspirational, watching her die with courage so peacefully and faithfully, I was strong and positive throughout although I was a mess at the graveside (I cried from the pit of my soul, from a place so deep and so raw, my heart ripped to nothingness, I couldn't move being held up by family and friends, I wanted to pass out but couldn't, just wailed and cried whilst a part of me died), I can still see the dirt being shovelled on to her coffin..........
The grief has been up and down, even though I researched grief prior to Mum passing (and understood and experienced anticipatory grief) and started counselling 4 months before she died, it's still very hard..... I feel numb, bored, lack lustre, uninterested, tired, forgetful and ill, ended up in hospital with an absess in the back of my throat for the first time at the age of 35yrs. There are 4 of us in our immediate family, Mum and me were closest, my sister bless her even though she's 37yrs I'm classed as the oldest as she has learning difficulties. My Dad was amazing in caring for Mum towards the end of her illness when she became fully dependent, and whilst we get on it's hard interacting with him as I was always closer to Mum. I find myself getting annoyed when he calls (everyday) and the conversation ends with take care instead of,"here's your Mum" as I'd talk to him first then Mum.
The first Xmas without her is agonising, and it's not even Xmas Day yet!! It's awful the loneliness and numbness I feel, watching everyone around me prepare for Xmas with their families whilst I dread going home, Mum was sociable and outgoing, funny, busy, caring and giving to everyone in the family and community, now it's all gone (my Dad is the opposite to her), feels like there's nothing to look forward to or to get excited about...... But the worse part is that everyone keeps wishing me all the best for a great Xmas, this cuts like a knife as they are well aware of the circumstances but all I can do is say thank you, and cry :-(

Permalink Reply by manuela smith on December 22, 2009 at 6:55pm

dear mammas biggest fans i thank all of you for being so very kind and to share your wonderfull moms as much as i am sad and heart brocken about my beloved mom there is on thing i believe god and mom did wen she past i did not get any sleep bevor her passing becouse i could not go home i called 2 times a dayalso she has been in a coma4 long weeks i was hoping and praying she will come back to us but then i told her mamma is ok to let go we will be ok and our brothers are wayting for you a day later she went home well i was numb and i lost my joy in everything i was so tired but could not sleep but for some reason 3 days befor i went home to germany i must have gone to sleep and there was my beloved mom you see she only called me ela all my live but this time she sayd as sweet as my mom is child why are you crying iam not dead i yust went home you will see me again please dont think iam mad i do believe that she came to comfort me and this is a bit of heaven and a big gift to me my hope is you wil find that bit of comfort i also go every yeahr to sent birthday baloons to her and every time is going strait up it never rains never cloudy so yes at that time i do smile thamk all of you for listening to me and your patience for my bad typing but iam trying to learn lots of hugs and gods grace manuela