Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Janine on December 22, 2009 at 8:36pm

Hello All, well it's a few days before Christmas and I can't believe my Mom isn't with us this year. The last few years were difficult as she was in a residence for Alzheimer and dementia patients and we would visit her there at Christmas. It was sad, but at least she was still with us. But this year she is truly gone.... it still breaks my heart to know I can't just visit her and see her. My Mom died this past June and the pain is still pretty fresh. I think about her often and how wonderful Christmas was when we were young and Mom was still in good health. She made amazing food which I regrettably cannot duplicate. At least I have my memories of Christmases past.....I miss my Mom so much..........

Permalink Reply by Lori on December 22, 2009 at 9:28pm

Hi Donna,

I can totally understand what you are referring to. I have been working a retail job since October, all I say all day is happy holidays and come back soon. Inside myself it hurts each time because my ma won't be there. We always go to a family friends on christmas day, we are all going to be there except ma which is going to be really hard. Luckily my 5 year old nephew will be there as well as my boyfriend who is my rock. What is going to be even worse is New Year's Day. That is the holiday that my parents always invited family friends over. This year it is not happening. I don't think my dad could handle it. Luckily I've gotten those 2 days off of work. On New Year's Eve I will be with my boyfriend and New Years Day I will be with my dad and we will try to come up with something to do. I knew I couldn't work because I would be worried about him all day. My employer has been really great through everything. How am I supposed to deal with people telling me Happy New Year when this is the first year without her??? Not to mention the fact that it will be only 2 months exactly since she has passed.
Lori

Permalink Reply by manuela smith on December 23, 2009 at 6:26pm

dear all i read so much about everyone i believed i will feel better but it is still very painfull i think iam not normal sometimes wen i go to wahlmart i see a lil lady she looks like mom i get so sad and think why can i have my sweetest friend back then i feel ashamed knoing thats not right being selfisch but also iam married and have a son a sister and one brother everyon else left iam so alone my sister said the other day you need to let go you ar to long in this greave well if i knew how to do that i would like to but i can not after my mom spassingc6 month later my other brother passt i can not really speek about him its like i forgott everything you see i was not able to go home the would not let me say goodby my sister sayd she was afryad i could not take that one well i cantconsumed whis what ever that is but also very upsed not undestanding my self anymore on christmas eve i will go to a cemetary to lay roses down for all my loved ones becouse i can not go home to do that stupid is it not but i feel lost and sad this maybe the only thing i got but it is myne and no one can put me away becouse iam anoing thenk you all i wish all of you peacefull christmas and my biggest hope you will not be so very sad god bless you all
\

Permalink Reply by Melissa Chetty on December 24, 2009 at 2:03am

Im 25 years old and my mum tragically passed away in September. I miss her dearly. I wish i could see her one more time and tell her how much i love her and miss her. I cant imagine my life without her. I have never been away from my mum for more than a day and now i have to go the rest of my life without her. This will be my first christmas without her. Im going to her grave on christmas day to plant flowers for her since i cant be with her. I miss her so so much. I want my mummy back but thats never going to happen. How do i stop myself from almost crying when i think about her or talk about her. I just wish i could get her back.

Permalink Reply by Donna Luttrell on December 26, 2009 at 9:56am

Tracy,,your story is almost the same as mine,my mom died in april,some family members left me in May and November my divorce was final I had to move and my two kids moved into there own places,sometimes I am so overwhelmed with so many losses that I want to just crawl into bed and stay there,,but I pick my self up and dust myself off and move on I do it for my kids..grief and change are so hard to deal with,,but every day is a healing day,,I didnt think I would make it through the holidays they were hard enough with my Dad passing the day befor Thanksgiving many years ago,,I am happy they are over and with Gods help it will be somewhat easier next year.We have to go on,,we have to make the best of every day.Every day look for something to make you smile,,,,and know when god closes a window he opens a door...peace to you

Tracy Shiffer said:

I lost my mom on Christmas Eve 2008. She had gone in for an operation on 12/2 and we were visiting. Everything was fine and we left on the 7th. By the 17th she was back in the hospital and on the 23rd we left to go see her - by the time we got there she was on life support - I had to make the gut wrenching decision to disconnect her. My dad was inconsolable. I stayed for another week, came home for a couple of days and went back for another week. I am an only child so he was relying on me heavily. I found him a place to buy here in Illinois, set up the moving company, got everything arranged and got him moved. When he got to Illinois I was in the middle of moving due to a divorce and wasn't able to help out all the much - there was other family helping though. Within 1 week of moving here I had been disowned and told not to come back. So within 4 months time I had lost my mother, my husband and my dad. Also 4 years ago I lost my best friend to cancer - it was a long 4 year struggle.

Can anyone tell me how I am supposed to cope with all this loss? I have lost all my support and don't know where to turn or who to talk to.

Permalink Reply by cloftus on December 27, 2009 at 12:16pm

I lost my mom on June 24-2009, she was only 69 years old from Germany. We celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve and it was the worst Christmas Eve I've had. I'm so use to going to her house with all kinds of German food. Last Christmas Eve, I think she knew it would be her last, cause I look at the pictures of my children with her and you can see the sadness in her. I was looking forward of her getting better, but her cancer had spread all over her body. I was with her all the time, you really don't realize how much you love a person intil they are gone. My son and her went to Germany last year and the family over there knew something was wrong as she didn't seem like her own self. She went to her mothers grave and stayed there for awhile, I think she was telling her mom that she was gone to be with her soon. I love you Mom so much and miss you more everyday that passes, but I know you are out of misery and home with your mom and family. I just wanted to say I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SO MUCH.

Permalink Reply by Elaine on December 28, 2009 at 6:53pm

I lost my Mother on July 5, 2002 to Alzheimer's she was 60 years old. My Mother was my best friend, my rock and the center of my life. I have a lot of guilt because I did not spend the night of July 4th with her at the hospital and I never had the chance to say goodbye to her. I have all the what if's and the could have's to deal with seven years later. This morning at 4:00 I woke up suddenly and felt that if I were to go into her bedroom she would be there, all day I have been crying and feeling like it was the 5th of July all over again. I would just like some direction in my life and would love to know that at some point it will be a little less painful. I hate the fact that I think was she looking for me did she think that I had left her and that I didn't care. My Mother "Lessie" lived with me and I with her for my entire life. It's been seven years and I still don't know how to live without her.
Elaine

Permalink Reply by Harvey A. Depew Jr. on December 30, 2009 at 9:53pm

I lost my mom on 11-22-2009, she had c.o.p.d. and emphasema she had fought this for years and was on oxygen 24-7. she was and still is an amazing Mother, i know when i talk to her she hears everything i say, something that i have done to help me through this time in my life is to write down how i feel, this christmas eve i set down and wrote 2 and 1/2 pages of feelings on paper, and i am not the type of person to set down and write letters. But for some reason in my heart this seems to help me. Also i myself have smoked for 26 yrs. and i just recently quit smoking on 12-22-2009 a month to the date when mom passed. I know that there are times that i just want to drop to my knees and cry like a baby, believe me i have many times when my heart weighs heavy and i do fall apart. This is part of life and there is nothing wrong with anyone having these emotions because to me it is like a roller coaster somedays i cry and other days i get mad and all of these emotions are normal human nature. But i will say this to anyone who sees this if you have both parents or you just have your mom or your dad enjoy them and love them and let them know how they are a big part of your life, love them always! I do not have either parent anymore and it is a void in my life that will never be filled. To all of you who has lost a parent or both of them God bless you and you are in my prayers.

Harvey Depew Jr.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on January 1, 2010 at 10:49am

Dear Harvey,
I am so sorry for the recent loss of your mother and that you had to watch her battle her illness for so long. The pain must still be so very fresh for you. I commend you for choosing to quit smoking and I have this feeling this would be what your mother would want for you. She would never wish to have her son endure what she had experienced with c.o.p.d. Surely she would want you to live the best life you possibly can.
A few months after my own mother's passing I was struggling to get a handle on my emotions and all the guilt I was carrying for not doing things differently or better during Mom's last Christmas with us. We held on to the belief she would recover and would be leaving hospital but if we had known we would be losing her so soon, I would surely have done things differently.
Your advice to those who still have their parents, or only even one, is so true. They should never miss an opportunity to share time with them, to do something special for them or to tell them they love them and appreciate all they have done for them. The one thing that helps me a bit is that in recent years when I would phone or visit Mom, our time together never ended without both of us saying "Remember, I love you".
I may never get rid of the guilt of those final weeks in hospital, but someone suggested I try writing in a journal each day to record my thoughts and feelings and perhaps even as a daily "letter to Mom". The first several days worth of entries were full of tears and sorrow, but I have since begun to focus on my memories of happier times I would share with my mother. As someone pointed out to me, her last few months in hospital were difficult and painful for all of us, BUT in the context of the 86 years she was on this earth, those weeks were but a blip in time. She gave us many more pleasant memories to cling to. And so, as I work my way through the journal I will recall memories of our mutually quirky sense of humour, trips we were able to share together, recipes she taught me, her love of animals and generosity towards those less fortunate, etc., etc.
I am also very familiar with that overwhelming need to weep which sneaks up so unexpectedly at times. So many, days at work I would have to retreat to an empty corner somewhere to deal with the tears so that my colleagues would not think I had lost my mind.
Your experience is very normal, Harvey. I wish there was a way someone could "abbreviate" the mourning period for all of us, but what I am reading here and hearing from others is that the pain may lessen somewhat but it never goes away.
In spite of the pain we must learn to live with, I still feel deeply sorry for those folks who will say things like "I haven't seen my mother or spoken to her in years", or "My mother and I aren't friends by any means". To those people I can only say they should pick up the phone and mend that fence, because when they are gone, they are a long time gone...and its so much more painful to speak to them while standing at a gravestone.
Harvey, I hope you will continue to write your letters to your mother and that your many happier memories will bring you some comfort. And good luck with your efforts to quit smoking.

Permalink Reply by Gary on January 3, 2010 at 12:10am

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At 6:15am on December 31st, 2009, Gary said…
I lost my mother on December 18th, after watching her get weaker because she couldn't eat or drink anything for days before the inevitable end. Filled with anticipatory grief, I couldn't sit with her as the end approached without breaking down. I couldn't say the words, "I love you" because mere words didn't seem to cover the feeling. I couldn't say "good by" at the cemetery because I want to believe she'll always be with me. Then I cried through much of the memorial service. During the first week, I sat looking at her picture and cried--a lot. Last night at the grocery store, I almost broke down in one of the aisles, remembering that I was only shopping for one. I had dinner out, and felt very empty realizing that mother wasn't sitting on the other side of the table. I was her primary caregiver for the last four years--and miss her terribly--though I had some feelings of burnout near the end. Mother's death left me feeling a great emptiness, as the biggest part of my life had been ripped away; also with a sense of huge loss, and some relief from a huge burden. Now, I have to pull the pieces together and start building a new life. I'm not sure how to do it. Delete Comment



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Permalink Reply by white dove on January 3, 2010 at 10:39am

Hi Gary. I am sorry you lost your mom. I reflect back alot, and it has been 9 months already since my mom left. I so remember the stage of shock so swiftly afterwards... I was very burnt out from caring for mom 24-7 and still can't believe i made it thru all those weeks... hours.. minutes of very intense caregiving. The emotions ran so high. All i can say is i was on pure adreniline and i crashed hard when i finally took a breath. Cry Cry Cry, locked myself in, because i just couldn't understand how the rest of the world could so easily go on... my mom was So involved in our lives so much so.. i can hardly remember a holiday or birthday where i didnt pick her up for a week. Pictures galore. I guess one could say my mom lived on my shirtstrings, because i am adventurous, and she was not. so for this i am thankful. She was lots of times negative, and paranoid. And these two traits infuriated me. I have some guilt. Now, i have no balance. I would counter act her bizarre statements with a up event or just a crazy get away from it... Now what do i do? I am so out of balance! So difficult when we "think" we know who we are, then our foundation leaves and we are floundering like a fish out of water. Well at least i feel this way. I really don't know how to get the part of me back that left with my mom. I now have a look of grief in place of a smile. It is etched in my face.
such simple things can turn on my wave of tears still..... last night i made some brocolli. My mom knew i loved the way she made it with her little chopper devise.. she would chop it so tiny and i loved it that way. She made dishes for me after i moved her in our apartment building. Well, while bringing out HER metal chopper i got all choked up. It was so difficult to use her tool.... and then the chopping process (which i never did) again.. opened the flood gates, cuz i could just see my little frail mom doing this for ME..... Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh to just get thru all these firsts... But i swear, she had her frail hand on my shoulder thru out. Thanks for letting me share, today has brought a Huge wave.


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At 6:15am on December 31st, 2009, Gary said…
I lost my mother on December 18th, after watching her get weaker because she couldn't eat or drink anything for days before the inevitable end. Filled with anticipatory grief, I couldn't sit with her as the end approached without breaking down. I couldn't say the words, "I love you" because mere words didn't seem to cover the feeling. I couldn't say "good by" at the cemetery because I want to believe she'll always be with me. Then I cried through much of the memorial service. During the first week, I sat looking at her picture and cried--a lot. Last night at the grocery store, I almost broke down in one of the aisles, remembering that I was only shopping for one. I had dinner out, and felt very empty realizing that mother wasn't sitting on the other side of the table. I was her primary caregiver for the last four years--and miss her terribly--though I had some feelings of burnout near the end. Mother's death left me feeling a great emptiness, as the biggest part of my life had been ripped away; also with a sense of huge loss, and some relief from a huge burden. Now, I have to pull the pieces together and start building a new life. I'm not sure how to do it. Delete Comment



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Permalink Reply by HEIDI L. COLE on January 3, 2010 at 12:38pm

I lost my Mom on july 14th 1988, the same day my son was born. My son is now 21 and I still feel like it was just yesterday that she paseed. Mom had a heart attack. I did get to see her that day, I was on bed rest for bleeding and she came to visit me. We had a wonderful visit and she could tell how uncomfortable I was. Mom rubbed my belly, rubbed the babys' crib sheet, as the room was already and waiting for his arrival. When she hugged me goodbye she said I love you and you will deliver a baby boy tommorrow(we did not know the sex of the baby). I hugged and kissed my mother and we both said I love you to each other, it was weird I felt like she was saying goodbye to me forever. When my husband came home from work I told him how I felt, he told me not to worry and rubbed my belly. Three hours later as we were getting ready for bed my brother called and talked to my husband and said to come to the hospital. Mom was gone when I got there. I went into labor 4 hours later and had the little boy she rubbed. She would have loved my son, he has so much of her in him. I miss her all the time so who ever said time heals was so so wrong. Would love some feed back!

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