Grief support for all who have lost moms

Losing your mother can be traumatic at any age. Share your grief and talk with others who are coping with the loss of their mothers.

 

 

 

 

 

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Dear Shanta,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom just on November 1st. However hearing the part about the hospital makes me so angry for you. When you are up to it I would talk to the higher ups at the hopspital and tell them what happened to you. If it happened to you it may have happened to other families. My situation in regards to that was as great as it could have been. My mom was at a hospice and they did everything to make her comfortable. There was family and friends all around her when she passed. They also pumped soothing music in the room. My brother was videotaping a memorial service of a colleagues mother who died of breast cancer, ironic because that is what my mom passed from, and he wasn't at the hospice when she passed. The funeral home was already at the hospice and wanted to take her and we said they had to wait until my brother got there which they did. We all went inside the room with him to say goodbye again it has been the hardest couple months of my life. I'm not only dealing with the loss of my mother but other issues as well. When we left the hospice and was out in the parking lot I saw them bring her outside to the hearse and that was horrible for me. The only person who knows about that is my boyfriend. I hope to get that picture out of my head soon. If you would like help with what to say to the hospital I would gladly help you. Let me know through hear. Again believe me when I say I know what you are going through

shanta said:
i lost my mom dec,13,2009 thats the day my life ended i don't know how to go on withmy mom,me and my mom did everything togather i was with my mom every single day i did'nt do anything without my mom,now she's gone i don't know what to do.my mom had lung cancer since 2002 my mom had been doing so good until about july 2009,it makes me so mad that i prayed for so many years for my mom to pull thru this,an she did'nt.i just feel so sorry for my mom,we had been going back and forth to the hospital for my dad he was in a coma for 2or 3 weeks and they said he was not going to make it,they told my mom to call all the kids up there to say there goodbyes.they wanted my mom to pull the plug on my dad,but she said no she not giving up on him,my mom started having a hard breathing so i took her to the er in july, they said she had fluid behind her heart,they drained it, they tested it to see if it was the cancer that was making the fluid come,and it was cancer cells in the fluid,my mom got to go home days later,my dad came home,a couple day later my mom had to go back to the hospital, my mom was geting sicker,but she would hide alot of the pain she was in.when my mom was in the hospital,they said she would have to go on the vent to help her breathe,a couple days later they said they was trying to see if it was the cancer that was couseing all the sickness,they said it was and that she was not going to make it but i still had hope,my some passed away dec,13,2009,i went carzy crying when they came out and said her heart stoped,i felt so nomb,they kick me and my sisters out the hospital (osu)because we were crying to loud,so we did not get to see my mom for the last time,we ask them please just let us see my mom one more time,they said see her at the funeral.i think they were the most coldhearted pepole in the world,for them to take that moment from us...............
Lori, i can imagine the vision in your mind. My daughter and i joined a grief support group.... only problem was.. it was at a Hospice place. After a brief group session we went outside and talked to a couple folks, well.. here came the tinted windowed van.. which is what many use here... and the gurney was pulled out and wheeled into the center. We high tailed it QUICKLY to our car and left! I then asked the counselor if there were other options in seeking counseling because we did NOT ever want to go there again. So yes i surely can appreciate the "feeling". Blessings to ALL. IN that we can slowly let those memories go.. and bring in the days of their smiles.

Lori said:
Dear Shanta,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom just on November 1st. However hearing the part about the hospital makes me so angry for you. When you are up to it I would talk to the higher ups at the hopspital and tell them what happened to you. If it happened to you it may have happened to other families. My situation in regards to that was as great as it could have been. My mom was at a hospice and they did everything to make her comfortable. There was family and friends all around her when she passed. They also pumped soothing music in the room. My brother was videotaping a memorial service of a colleagues mother who died of breast cancer, ironic because that is what my mom passed from, and he wasn't at the hospice when she passed. The funeral home was already at the hospice and wanted to take her and we said they had to wait until my brother got there which they did. We all went inside the room with him to say goodbye again it has been the hardest couple months of my life. I'm not only dealing with the loss of my mother but other issues as well. When we left the hospice and was out in the parking lot I saw them bring her outside to the hearse and that was horrible for me. The only person who knows about that is my boyfriend. I hope to get that picture out of my head soon. If you would like help with what to say to the hospital I would gladly help you. Let me know through hear. Again believe me when I say I know what you are going through

shanta said:
i lost my mom dec,13,2009 thats the day my life ended i don't know how to go on withmy mom,me and my mom did everything togather i was with my mom every single day i did'nt do anything without my mom,now she's gone i don't know what to do.my mom had lung cancer since 2002 my mom had been doing so good until about july 2009,it makes me so mad that i prayed for so many years for my mom to pull thru this,an she did'nt.i just feel so sorry for my mom,we had been going back and forth to the hospital for my dad he was in a coma for 2or 3 weeks and they said he was not going to make it,they told my mom to call all the kids up there to say there goodbyes.they wanted my mom to pull the plug on my dad,but she said no she not giving up on him,my mom started having a hard breathing so i took her to the er in july, they said she had fluid behind her heart,they drained it, they tested it to see if it was the cancer that was making the fluid come,and it was cancer cells in the fluid,my mom got to go home days later,my dad came home,a couple day later my mom had to go back to the hospital, my mom was geting sicker,but she would hide alot of the pain she was in.when my mom was in the hospital,they said she would have to go on the vent to help her breathe,a couple days later they said they was trying to see if it was the cancer that was couseing all the sickness,they said it was and that she was not going to make it but i still had hope,my some passed away dec,13,2009,i went carzy crying when they came out and said her heart stoped,i felt so nomb,they kick me and my sisters out the hospital (osu)because we were crying to loud,so we did not get to see my mom for the last time,we ask them please just let us see my mom one more time,they said see her at the funeral.i think they were the most coldhearted pepole in the world,for them to take that moment from us...............
hi, Starr, how are u today? my prayer-thoughts are with you. xx

(white dove) said:
Dear Starr, you have come to the right place! We have all faced loss at different and same times. And in reading about those who have lost a beloved, i can reflect on the days that were so foggy back then for me. Shock is more the appropriate word! And it may just be coming to you now.. I was actually told by a Medical organization that they won't even see someone that is grieving (for counseling) for at least a month after their loss...because of their shock factor, well, my question to him was: "Then what in the heck do we do while we are totally unfunctional and half out of our minds.. isn't this when we need someone most"??? I then proceded to search for a different facility with much more understanding grief counselors. Found one who came all the way into our small town just for us!! in comparison to a group session. So dear, say what ever u want to here. We don't judge and we have ALL been in your shoes and many of us still are but have found some avenues including this one to just sound it out. God Bless You during this terrible time.

Starr said:
I lost both of my parent in 2006. My father in March and my Mother 10 days before my birthday in December. I havent grieved in 3 years. And now i cant even function around people. I am on medical leave because i have a hard time dealing with everyday life. I feel lost and i dont know how to deal with not having them around. I just turned 37 years old a couple of weeks ago. And a lot of my friends dont understand what i am going through and think I should just get on with things. I dont know what to say to make them understand. I am stuck. I have a 15 year old son who is my reason for everything and i take very good care of. But leaving my house is a struggle every day. Doing normal things is a struggle for me. I feel alone and lost. I have a strong faith in GOD. But dealing with this on my own is not the easiest thing I have ever had to do.
I tell people this all the time . Love your MOMMY while you have her. because you only get one . continue to
PRAY

Dana said:
I lost my mom November 1st, 2008. She had emphseyma, and her death was expected...but it still has been so very hard. I was her caretaker for as long as I can remember. She never drove..so any Dr appts, or groc store needs or anything.it was always me. And I know I didnt appreciate it as I should have. I have a journal that I wrote in every day after she passed, it did truly help with my grief. We are believers in Jesus Christ and I know where she is now, and that she is happy and whole, and so much better. But oh what I wouldnt give to have to go to the store for her again..or get on the phone and talk about silly mindless things that at the moment I thought I just didnt have time for. I still have her suitcase, with the things she brought over from her last visit, as if she has never left. Her tennis shoes on top of the suitcase, with her clothes neatly packed. I just can not bring myself to throw them out. I know I need to, but its like my last connection to her. I still have a voicemail that she left me while she was still in the hospital. Im heartbroken my mom is gone, but I will see her again and thats my comfort. OH, but do I miss her. I miss talking with her, I miss praying with her, I miss seeing her. I just miss her. thanks for taking the time to read this, and if you still have your mom, call her, go see her, HUG her and tell her you love her!
I have found, that I had absolutely No idea on all the emotions that would come after my mom passed. All i knew at the ending time~ was she was in terrible pain and i prayed for it to stop. And i see this with my friends also. It doesnt seem to matter the age or situations that took our beloveds away. Kaboom, they just come. Hopefully if there is to be any positive, it could be in OUR loved ones watching us and all the steps we are going thru, maybe they can go through them with MUCH more knowledge than us and their journey of grief may be a little kinder on them. For this I pray.

SAHWN said:
I tell people this all the time . Love your MOMMY while you have her. because you only get one . continue to
PRAY

Dana said:
I lost my mom November 1st, 2008. She had emphseyma, and her death was expected...but it still has been so very hard. I was her caretaker for as long as I can remember. She never drove..so any Dr appts, or groc store needs or anything.it was always me. And I know I didnt appreciate it as I should have. I have a journal that I wrote in every day after she passed, it did truly help with my grief. We are believers in Jesus Christ and I know where she is now, and that she is happy and whole, and so much better. But oh what I wouldnt give to have to go to the store for her again..or get on the phone and talk about silly mindless things that at the moment I thought I just didnt have time for. I still have her suitcase, with the things she brought over from her last visit, as if she has never left. Her tennis shoes on top of the suitcase, with her clothes neatly packed. I just can not bring myself to throw them out. I know I need to, but its like my last connection to her. I still have a voicemail that she left me while she was still in the hospital. Im heartbroken my mom is gone, but I will see her again and thats my comfort. OH, but do I miss her. I miss talking with her, I miss praying with her, I miss seeing her. I just miss her. thanks for taking the time to read this, and if you still have your mom, call her, go see her, HUG her and tell her you love her!
I lost my mom 11/12/08. I've never been the same since, truly. The light at the end of the tunnel that keeps me going is my precious 4 year old. 6 months after my mother passed away, I went through a divorce. My father (who had been remarried for years) didn't want to see me at Christmas because his wifes family was there...."it would be better if we waited until after the holidays." Unbelievable. Getting through the holidays this year was extremely difficult. Being that I'm divorced now, Christmas Eve and Day had to be "shared." For most of the day Christmas, I sat alone. It was awful. I've never felt so alone in all my life!

Someone posted earlier that they didn't grieve right after their parents passing. I didn't either. I honestly probably cried about 6 times in the first year. Since the "anniversary"...I sob, not cry, SOB on almost a daily basis. This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life. My mom was my best friend. She used to call me about 7 times a day...lol and I use to complain!!! I would give ANYTHING for her to be alive and burning up my phone.

My heart goes out to EVERYONE who has lost a loved one, but especially the loss of a mother. No one can replace her, ever....
Hi Lisa,

I couldn't agree with you more. It has only been 73 days since my mom passed. Not only am I having to deal with that but other issues as well. To top it off my dad is now becoming a "companion" to another woman who has been a widow for 7 years. I'm living at home because I had issues myself and I was being there for my mom. I'm starting to get back on my feet but nothing seems to be going right. I know that my dad has to do what he has to do and he knows how I feel about the whole thing. Everybody tells me that he has to do what he has to do but it doesn't take away from the fact that it hurts. Plus he is all gung ho about losing weight he walked on the treadmill yesterday and is going to go to a gym to get healthier. Never mind the fact that mom begged him to lose weight and he didn't do anything. I just can't get over the fact that she did everything right and she is gone and he is here. It just isn't fair. By all means don't think I want anything to happen to him. I'm talking to a bereavement person along with my own psychologist but it just sucks. I'm sorry to have vented like this but If I keep it in anymore I was going to explode. I also have the burden of knowing that as of April 9th I'm going to be the only cousin not married or have kids. I wanted to be married and have kids. I've been with a wonderful man now for 2 years. So we will see. It just hurts that I couldn't give my mom a grandchild or a wedding before she passed away.

Lisa S. said:
I lost my mom 11/12/08. I've never been the same since, truly. The light at the end of the tunnel that keeps me going is my precious 4 year old. 6 months after my mother passed away, I went through a divorce. My father (who had been remarried for years) didn't want to see me at Christmas because his wifes family was there...."it would be better if we waited until after the holidays." Unbelievable. Getting through the holidays this year was extremely difficult. Being that I'm divorced now, Christmas Eve and Day had to be "shared." For most of the day Christmas, I sat alone. It was awful. I've never felt so alone in all my life!

Someone posted earlier that they didn't grieve right after their parents passing. I didn't either. I honestly probably cried about 6 times in the first year. Since the "anniversary"...I sob, not cry, SOB on almost a daily basis. This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life. My mom was my best friend. She used to call me about 7 times a day...lol and I use to complain!!! I would give ANYTHING for her to be alive and burning up my phone.

My heart goes out to EVERYONE who has lost a loved one, but especially the loss of a mother. No one can replace her, ever....
Lori - May the good Lord above forgive me but....MEN CAN NOT LIVE ALONE!!! LOL My husband remarried 6 WEEKS after our divorce. My father? Two weeks after he was separated from my mom he started speaking about his now, wife. Hang in there! If you ever want to chat, please send me a message or you (or anyone) can email me at sweetgirl33301@yahoo.com. XO

Lori said:
Hi Lisa,

I couldn't agree with you more. It has only been 73 days since my mom passed. Not only am I having to deal with that but other issues as well. To top it off my dad is now becoming a "companion" to another woman who has been a widow for 7 years. I'm living at home because I had issues myself and I was being there for my mom. I'm starting to get back on my feet but nothing seems to be going right. I know that my dad has to do what he has to do and he knows how I feel about the whole thing. Everybody tells me that he has to do what he has to do but it doesn't take away from the fact that it hurts. Plus he is all gung ho about losing weight he walked on the treadmill yesterday and is going to go to a gym to get healthier. Never mind the fact that mom begged him to lose weight and he didn't do anything. I just can't get over the fact that she did everything right and she is gone and he is here. It just isn't fair. By all means don't think I want anything to happen to him. I'm talking to a bereavement person along with my own psychologist but it just sucks. I'm sorry to have vented like this but If I keep it in anymore I was going to explode. I also have the burden of knowing that as of April 9th I'm going to be the only cousin not married or have kids. I wanted to be married and have kids. I've been with a wonderful man now for 2 years. So we will see. It just hurts that I couldn't give my mom a grandchild or a wedding before she passed away.

Lisa S. said:
I lost my mom 11/12/08. I've never been the same since, truly. The light at the end of the tunnel that keeps me going is my precious 4 year old. 6 months after my mother passed away, I went through a divorce. My father (who had been remarried for years) didn't want to see me at Christmas because his wifes family was there...."it would be better if we waited until after the holidays." Unbelievable. Getting through the holidays this year was extremely difficult. Being that I'm divorced now, Christmas Eve and Day had to be "shared." For most of the day Christmas, I sat alone. It was awful. I've never felt so alone in all my life!

Someone posted earlier that they didn't grieve right after their parents passing. I didn't either. I honestly probably cried about 6 times in the first year. Since the "anniversary"...I sob, not cry, SOB on almost a daily basis. This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life. My mom was my best friend. She used to call me about 7 times a day...lol and I use to complain!!! I would give ANYTHING for her to be alive and burning up my phone.

My heart goes out to EVERYONE who has lost a loved one, but especially the loss of a mother. No one can replace her, ever....
My daughter and I are going through our "firsts" still.... and just as i feel ive made it over one hurdle, here comes the next. Reliving everything, the feelings of shock, despair, grief, last words spoken, running over and over again in my head. My moms Birthday is coming next and i fully intend on spending that day with her. While she was in and out of a coma, one day she just started to sing Happy Birthday~!!!! And i know she was doing this for ALL of the rest of our Birthdays in our lives. She was always with us during our and her Birthdays... how could i not be with her? So many don't understand.... only us in this heart wrenching "club" do. May God Bless everyone here, one day at a time.

Lisa S. said:
Lori - May the good Lord above forgive me but....MEN CAN NOT LIVE ALONE!!! LOL My husband remarried 6 WEEKS after our divorce. My father? Two weeks after he was separated from my mom he started speaking about his now, wife. Hang in there! If you ever want to chat, please send me a message or you (or anyone) can email me at sweetgirl33301@yahoo.com. XO

Lori said:
Hi Lisa,

I couldn't agree with you more. It has only been 73 days since my mom passed. Not only am I having to deal with that but other issues as well. To top it off my dad is now becoming a "companion" to another woman who has been a widow for 7 years. I'm living at home because I had issues myself and I was being there for my mom. I'm starting to get back on my feet but nothing seems to be going right. I know that my dad has to do what he has to do and he knows how I feel about the whole thing. Everybody tells me that he has to do what he has to do but it doesn't take away from the fact that it hurts. Plus he is all gung ho about losing weight he walked on the treadmill yesterday and is going to go to a gym to get healthier. Never mind the fact that mom begged him to lose weight and he didn't do anything. I just can't get over the fact that she did everything right and she is gone and he is here. It just isn't fair. By all means don't think I want anything to happen to him. I'm talking to a bereavement person along with my own psychologist but it just sucks. I'm sorry to have vented like this but If I keep it in anymore I was going to explode. I also have the burden of knowing that as of April 9th I'm going to be the only cousin not married or have kids. I wanted to be married and have kids. I've been with a wonderful man now for 2 years. So we will see. It just hurts that I couldn't give my mom a grandchild or a wedding before she passed away.

Lisa S. said:
I lost my mom 11/12/08. I've never been the same since, truly. The light at the end of the tunnel that keeps me going is my precious 4 year old. 6 months after my mother passed away, I went through a divorce. My father (who had been remarried for years) didn't want to see me at Christmas because his wifes family was there...."it would be better if we waited until after the holidays." Unbelievable. Getting through the holidays this year was extremely difficult. Being that I'm divorced now, Christmas Eve and Day had to be "shared." For most of the day Christmas, I sat alone. It was awful. I've never felt so alone in all my life!

Someone posted earlier that they didn't grieve right after their parents passing. I didn't either. I honestly probably cried about 6 times in the first year. Since the "anniversary"...I sob, not cry, SOB on almost a daily basis. This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life. My mom was my best friend. She used to call me about 7 times a day...lol and I use to complain!!! I would give ANYTHING for her to be alive and burning up my phone.

My heart goes out to EVERYONE who has lost a loved one, but especially the loss of a mother. No one can replace her, ever....
Hi White Dove,

I can understand what you mean by going through all the firsts. Ma Died on Nov 1. So we have already gone through our firsts of: Thanksgiving, Anniversary Dec 2nd, Hannukah, Christmas, New Years(That day was horrible considering it was exactly 2 months and it was the holiday my parents hosted for all their family friends. Our next first is going to be her birthday in March, then my brothers bday, then my dad's and then mine, then 3 months after mine will be the 1st anniversary of her passing and we will have a dedication of the headstone marker at the cemetery. I really don't wish this club for anyone. However I do like having a place to come to and write about it.

(white dove) said:
My daughter and I are going through our "firsts" still.... and just as i feel ive made it over one hurdle, here comes the next. Reliving everything, the feelings of shock, despair, grief, last words spoken, running over and over again in my head. My moms Birthday is coming next and i fully intend on spending that day with her. While she was in and out of a coma, one day she just started to sing Happy Birthday~!!!! And i know she was doing this for ALL of the rest of our Birthdays in our lives. She was always with us during our and her Birthdays... how could i not be with her? So many don't understand.... only us in this heart wrenching "club" do. May God Bless everyone here, one day at a time.

Lisa S. said:
Lori - May the good Lord above forgive me but....MEN CAN NOT LIVE ALONE!!! LOL My husband remarried 6 WEEKS after our divorce. My father? Two weeks after he was separated from my mom he started speaking about his now, wife. Hang in there! If you ever want to chat, please send me a message or you (or anyone) can email me at sweetgirl33301@yahoo.com. XO

Lori said:
Hi Lisa,

I couldn't agree with you more. It has only been 73 days since my mom passed. Not only am I having to deal with that but other issues as well. To top it off my dad is now becoming a "companion" to another woman who has been a widow for 7 years. I'm living at home because I had issues myself and I was being there for my mom. I'm starting to get back on my feet but nothing seems to be going right. I know that my dad has to do what he has to do and he knows how I feel about the whole thing. Everybody tells me that he has to do what he has to do but it doesn't take away from the fact that it hurts. Plus he is all gung ho about losing weight he walked on the treadmill yesterday and is going to go to a gym to get healthier. Never mind the fact that mom begged him to lose weight and he didn't do anything. I just can't get over the fact that she did everything right and she is gone and he is here. It just isn't fair. By all means don't think I want anything to happen to him. I'm talking to a bereavement person along with my own psychologist but it just sucks. I'm sorry to have vented like this but If I keep it in anymore I was going to explode. I also have the burden of knowing that as of April 9th I'm going to be the only cousin not married or have kids. I wanted to be married and have kids. I've been with a wonderful man now for 2 years. So we will see. It just hurts that I couldn't give my mom a grandchild or a wedding before she passed away.

Lisa S. said:
I lost my mom 11/12/08. I've never been the same since, truly. The light at the end of the tunnel that keeps me going is my precious 4 year old. 6 months after my mother passed away, I went through a divorce. My father (who had been remarried for years) didn't want to see me at Christmas because his wifes family was there...."it would be better if we waited until after the holidays." Unbelievable. Getting through the holidays this year was extremely difficult. Being that I'm divorced now, Christmas Eve and Day had to be "shared." For most of the day Christmas, I sat alone. It was awful. I've never felt so alone in all my life!

Someone posted earlier that they didn't grieve right after their parents passing. I didn't either. I honestly probably cried about 6 times in the first year. Since the "anniversary"...I sob, not cry, SOB on almost a daily basis. This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life. My mom was my best friend. She used to call me about 7 times a day...lol and I use to complain!!! I would give ANYTHING for her to be alive and burning up my phone.

My heart goes out to EVERYONE who has lost a loved one, but especially the loss of a mother. No one can replace her, ever....
My mom died suddenly on November 6, 2009 and the last 2 months have just been hell. She got up November 4 to go to the bathroom and had a massive stroke and heart attack. She fell in to the laundry basket in the bathroom. My father, who has his own health problems didn't find her till 3 that afternoon. By then her body was dehydrated, sending her blood sugar through the roof and destroying her kidneys. Even so, she didn't die till early the morning of November 6. She was the glue that held my family together and we didn't even realize it. we are all devastated. In the ER she was moving around trying to get comfortable though she was in a coma. We had to hold her arms down so she wouldn't pull the tubes out of her arm. Her eyes were wide open and she was looking at me, but I could tell she was not seeing me. I guess that is part of my anguish because I still see her blue eyes staring at me, but not seeing and I keep wanting to know what she was seeing and how is it possible to be looking at me but not seeing me? To make it worse, my father has started slipping in to dementia since she died. A month after she died, I had to have him committed. Then I had to go to court for guardianship and have him put in to a nursing home. Right now I am still in the process of packing up their things, closing their apartment, and tying up all the loose ends of all the paperwork and everything that goes along with all of this. In a way I feel like I've lost my own life too because it seems like all this has completely taken over my life. I know once everything is done, It won't be like that-but right now is so hard. I feel like I have not been able to truly grieve for her. I look at her picture and it still feels like its not possible she is gone. How can she be gone and the world just goes on like it does as if she never even existed. It feels like the world should just stop, you know? Thanksgiving, her birthday, and Christmas came so close after her death that I just couldn't deal with them and God knows how I will get through Mother's Day this year. I'm thinking of getting a notebook and writing letters to her, but I just don't know. I feel stuck in overdrive.
Jac,

Believe me when I say I know how you feel. Getting a notebook would be a great idea to write her letters. I understand everything you feel. I too believe that my mom was the glue that held everything together and I miss her everyday. Now that people on here understand. Feel free to email me at tchse@aol.com if you need to vent.

Lori

jac said:
My mom died suddenly on November 6, 2009 and the last 2 months have just been hell. She got up November 4 to go to the bathroom and had a massive stroke and heart attack. She fell in to the laundry basket in the bathroom. My father, who has his own health problems didn't find her till 3 that afternoon. By then her body was dehydrated, sending her blood sugar through the roof and destroying her kidneys. Even so, she didn't die till early the morning of November 6. She was the glue that held my family together and we didn't even realize it. we are all devastated. In the ER she was moving around trying to get comfortable though she was in a coma. We had to hold her arms down so she wouldn't pull the tubes out of her arm. Her eyes were wide open and she was looking at me, but I could tell she was not seeing me. I guess that is part of my anguish because I still see her blue eyes staring at me, but not seeing and I keep wanting to know what she was seeing and how is it possible to be looking at me but not seeing me? To make it worse, my father has started slipping in to dementia since she died. A month after she died, I had to have him committed. Then I had to go to court for guardianship and have him put in to a nursing home. Right now I am still in the process of packing up their things, closing their apartment, and tying up all the loose ends of all the paperwork and everything that goes along with all of this. In a way I feel like I've lost my own life too because it seems like all this has completely taken over my life. I know once everything is done, It won't be like that-but right now is so hard. I feel like I have not been able to truly grieve for her. I look at her picture and it still feels like its not possible she is gone. How can she be gone and the world just goes on like it does as if she never even existed. It feels like the world should just stop, you know? Thanksgiving, her birthday, and Christmas came so close after her death that I just couldn't deal with them and God knows how I will get through Mother's Day this year. I'm thinking of getting a notebook and writing letters to her, but I just don't know. I feel stuck in overdrive.

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