Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on January 23, 2010 at 6:02am

Dear Rebecca,
I am so sorry for your loss and, like many others in this forum, can totally relate to your feelings just now. May God give you strength at this time.
The one year anniversary of my mother's death is approaching shortly and in many ways I still cannot believe my best friend is gone. Like you, I didn't feel the loss had fully hit me for it seemed I did not break down during the funeral or while I was among family and friends and I was concerned that perhaps I was not fully mourning my dear mother. However, I soon noticed that every morning I was waking up with tears in my eyes and a damp pillow, so it seemed I was doing much of my crying in my sleep.
You are fortunate to have a number of siblings and I hope you will be able to support each other through the pain you must all be experiencing. However, I also know that in some families this doesn't come together, so another way of managing the depth of your feelings is to start a daily journal.
Each day, enter a "letter to your mother" and write about your feelings, or anything you might normally have told her about your day. The first several entries may well be about your pain at losing her, but I hope that you will also eventually be able to include your many memories of happier times shared with your mother.
I found my own journal of "letters to mom" helped a great deal as bereavement counselling was not available in the foreign country where I was living. At first the entries were all about my sense of loss and regret for all the extra time I could have spent with her while she was in hospital, and my one wish for just one more hug. Eventually I was reminded by my brother that Mom's life was about so much more than those last sad weeks she spent in hospital, and so I have started to use my journal to recall the many things she did with me when I was little, the Christmasses she made so special, her quirky sense of humour, our trips together and all the many things she meant to me. Its a process which may not work for everyone, but it certainly helped me, even though I will continue to miss her everyday of my life.
Now as the anniversary of our loss approaches I have been reminding myself that my mother would want me to live the best life I could, to watch over my Dad and remain close to my brother. I am doing my best to follow all that but I still find myself wishing for one more hug.
God bless you in this journey, Rebecca. Its not one any of us chooses, but it does help to have friends and a forum such as this.
With deepest sympathy,
Yvonne

Permalink Reply by Donna on January 25, 2010 at 2:43am

I lost my mom 2 weeks ago (1/10/10). It was unexpected. I did not know she was going in for surgery as we had a major disagreement a while back and have not been in contact. Not being in contact with my mom was difficult for me. We spoke everyday prior to this disagreement. Mom did not drive so it was me and/or my signficant other that took here wherever she needed to go. The disagreement hurt us both deeply - I thought we had time to get through the hurt and I needed time to deal with health issues of my own. I thought I had left mom in the capable hands of my brother - but now I see differently.

During the time that we had not spoken my family moved due to medical reasons. My son called his grandmother and he did tell her we moved but she didn't ask for the new address or phone number - so I left well enough alone - she wasn't ready to mend any bridges. If my cousin had not contacted me on Facebook, I would never have found out that my mom passed the night before the email from my cousin - and all his email said was that his mom was trying to reach mine and had no luck - my significant other and I drove passed her house that night and saw my brother carrying things out of her apartment. I knew from that - and I lost it right there in the car - my significant other went back later that night and talked with my brother and he confirmed that my mom passed the day before.

I feel so much guilt right now - she always said that I was not just her daughter - but her best friend - and I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most. My brother claims he couldn't find us - he said he even tried the police dept. - which I find very interesting - since my current address was on file at DMV.

I thought I was able to take some time to recoup my body and soul and have my brother take care of mom for a bit - but he wasn't able to do it - all those years I took her to doctor appts and double checked her meds and talked on the phone over all kinds of things - she was alive and happy. Needless to say, my brother constantly tells me that I broke my mom's heart - add that to the guilt I already have!!!

When we lost our stepfather, I took care of everything cause mom couldn't handle it - when we lost our oldest brother, I took care of everything cause mom couldn't - now we have lost our mother and my brother is taking care of everything - and making me feel like the ugly stepchild. Needless to say, all my mother's belongings went to his house - with her "last wishes" as he put it - so all the directions she had given me in the past don't count anymore -

I miss my mom, but I think the fact that we hadn't spoken for some time has somehow blocked a lot of my feelings. I just feel like I haven't cried enough........

Permalink Reply by white dove on January 26, 2010 at 8:28am

Dear Siona, may i ask what this project is for? Is it personal for you? Because this forum is Very personal. Some of us have some "unfinished business" and may not want to open up in the way that u ask. Thank u for your reply with more description.

Siona said:

Hello all, and I hope you'll forgive this interruption; I don't mean to intrude.

I'm working on a book proposal about grief and loss, and am just now collecting stories and experiences of those who've suffered the death of someone close to them. If you'd be willing to offer your own voice, or open to being interviewed about your mother, I would be deeply grateful. I promise complete confidentiality.

You can email me at listen@listeningtoloss.com for more. (And if you've seen this elsewhere on the forums, I do apologize. I just hope to get as many voices and experiences as possible, and I wasn't sure where to begin.)

Thank you, each and all, so very much, and I hope you'll write. I would be honored to include you.

Permalink Reply by Priceless on January 26, 2010 at 9:57am

To Siona, I had read a book that was written by a facilitator of a grief support group. The book was written as if I could read and be in that same support group myself. I found it immensely helpful since there were things I would not say in an actual support group, since it was very personal and dear to my heart. I was not going to take the chance of someone not understanding and being made fun of(&yes adults do this yet) or being critized. Personally, it was not important to me where the author lived or got his information from, in fact I could care less. God gave this talent to this person and by him writing the book, and it being in the public library, I benefited. He had been a facilitator of grief support groups for years.

Permalink Reply by ANGEL W on January 27, 2010 at 7:01am

I lost my mother and father two months apart. It is hard to cope along with family drama. We have a brother who lies on the family and act like he was the only one available for mom and dad-him and his wife creates extra drama the family does not deserve or need. He is talking about sending the family disownership papers-he was worried about how the family looked for moms funeral because his employer was coming, this is selfish because it did not look like he was concerned about the death! We never know what goes on in peoples minds; all I can say is everyone grieves differently, some have guilt, some selfish, some people glorify thereself. I learned to free yourself by telling people you love them anyway and then that is off of you and' it gives you a peace and your mind is free. Its hard, when family don't stick together; but sometimes you have to say I love you and move on. There is a reason for everything in life; a purpose . Years ago i lost a sister, newphew and ex -brother-in-law. Lean and depend on God for your strength. Also surround yourself with true friends that mean you well, not negative people or those who like drama. Take time for yourself, its about rediscovering who you are. I am also reading one of the best books ever-written by Richard Exley (When you lose someone you love) a different book-he writes letters to you and then bibical versus at the end of each one-awesome! Most books have the same thing in all of them-this one is different.

Permalink Reply by C. Powell on January 27, 2010 at 3:29pm

I lost my mother almost 10 years ago...
(It amazes me that it has been that long.)
My mother was diagnosed with Lupus, shortly after I was born and in March '00, she died from complications stemming from an experimental treatment. She passed away two months before I graduated from high school...
To this day, talking about her brings tears to my eyes. She was my best friend and one of the most wonderful people I've ever known.
I don't talk about her death or my continued grief...
(I keep things to myself and I don't like to be vulnerable.)
I think it has also taken me this long, to finally want to find a place to talk about the grief.

I also lost my father to non Hodgkin's lymphoma two years after the passing of my mother. (Almost two years exactly.)
I am an only child, so it has been very difficult...
Thankfully, I do have a wonderful husband that has always been there for me.

Permalink Reply by white dove on January 28, 2010 at 9:52am

I myself wonder when and where that bridge is to try to keep out the painful thoughts. I have this undercurrant of anger, re my mom's passing in re to a "mistake" made by a huge organization. We can't bring our loved ones back, but possibly help others in our experiences. All that i can add is: this is a safe site to vent, no one judges, and if we ever have an ill loved one in our futures lets be there for them 24-7 so no more mistakes happen to them!!

C. Powell said:

I lost my mother almost 10 years ago...
(It amazes me that it has been that long.)
My mother was diagnosed with Lupus, shortly after I was born and in March '00, she died from complications stemming from an experimental treatment. She passed away two months before I graduated from high school...
To this day, talking about her brings tears to my eyes. She was my best friend and one of the most wonderful people I've ever known.
I don't talk about her death or my continued grief...
(I keep things to myself and I don't like to be vulnerable.)
I think it has also taken me this long, to finally want to find a place to talk about the grief.

I also lost my father to non Hodgkin's lymphoma two years after the passing of my mother. (Almost two years exactly.)
I am an only child, so it has been very difficult...
Thankfully, I do have a wonderful husband that has always been there for me.

Permalink Reply by Brenda C. on January 29, 2010 at 2:34pm

Oh Kathy, I so feel your pain. I loss my mom last month right before Christmas and it's like my whole world has ended. I don't know what to do and who to talk to, sometimes you feel so all alone, lost, and other times you do feel like talking to someone to try and understand your continue pain. My mom was my best friend and like a sister to me because I had no sisters just four brothers and I am the youngest. I wish so badly that she was still here to hold me and tell me that it's going to be okay one day. With the sudden death like she had and no clue of an illness just makes me sick to my stomach. I moved her home into mines and I don't want to put anything away (just yet). It's so very, very, very hard for me, at first I had people checking on me everyday now they've gone back to their lives and I'm still left with a void in my heart. It's so hard to explain this pain. To you I say continue praying and I will pray for you as well. Ask God to give you the continue strength that you'll need and Faith that however long you need to try to get thru.

mommasgirl said:

I can really relate to EVERYTHING you wrote. Some days are harder than others. I think it is great that you are in grief counseling. It just takes time for the pain to subside. Having lost both parents in so short a time makes it doubly difficult. When I lost my mom, my children realized that if my mother could die, so could theirs. It has made us even closer than before. They have been so supportive and they are grieving right alongside me. Not wanting them to suffer the same way has made me have conversations with them about what to do when I die. I am their only remaining parent so they will have to take care of everything. I have a will but I also wrote out EXACTLY what they will need to do. I went over it with them and put the paper in a place they will be able to access it. For Mother's Day my daughter bought a frame that holds three pictures and put in pictures of my mom, me and her. It is a lovely tribute to my mom and her legacy.

Kathy Ledford said:

I lost my mother in August of 2008. This was the first Mother's Day without her and I had a very hard time. I cried all day and when I went to the cemetary to take her flowers it just broke my heart. I also put a note on a balloon and released it at the graveside. Now June is coming up and Father's Day. I lost my dad 43 days after my mom. I just pray that this time of year will be easier to cope with as time passes. I just wanted to see her and talk to her and hug her and tell her how much I love and miss her. That is what I did in my note that I sent up with the balloon. I don't think I have ever felt such heartache and grief. I don't know if I will ever be able to get over this. I know life has to go on but it hurts so much. I am going to grief counseling and it is helping some but there are just days that it is almost unbearable. There is no love like a mother's love and when that is gone it really does have an effect on everything in your life. I pray for God to give me the peace in my heart that I can go on with my life.. I have my children and grandchildren and it breaks my heart to know that one day they will have to suffer this pain. Please pray for me that I can grow to accept this loss and maybe if I can help someone else who has lost their mom or dad, that would help me deal with my loss.

Permalink Reply by Lori on February 1, 2010 at 12:20am

I'm so torn right now. My dad is seeing 2 people and is really hitting it off with one of them. He has started to work out and take care of himself. I'm grateful for that but mom begged him for years and he did nothing. Do to issues of my own I've been living back at home for about a year. I'm working now but not enough and doing everything I can to get a job with insurance. My dad is now saying he needs his privacy and I have to call if my plans change. Everything I do seems to be wrong. I've told him how I felt about the dating thing and it upsets me however he wants to tell someone and I'm here so he tells me. He can be so insensitive at times. He talks about his privacy yet he knocks on my door and then opens it and walks right in. I understand the dating thing and knew it would happen some time. I'd feel the same way whether it be 3 months since ma passed or a year. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Luckily I see my therapist tomorrow and the bereavement lady on thurs. The best part of the weekend was being with my boyfriend and seeing Bon Jovi play at the Grammy's. Sucks that they didn't win though. I've been wondering how my mom put up living with him for 42 years. Other than her being one tough lady.

Permalink Reply by Patsy on February 10, 2010 at 2:23am

Mom left me on Feb. 2nd, 2010. The Alzheimers had slowly been taking her piece by piece so there was plenty of time to say goodbye and learn to accept the inevitable but it didn't happen that way. When she stopped breathing I couldn't believe she was really gone. Everyone keeps saying that atleast she isn't suffering anymore and I know I should find some peace in that but I want her back so bad. I know that is selfish but I would give anything to have more time to hold her and tell her how much I love and need her. She is now just part of my past, a memory, and there is nothing I can do to change that. Her funeral is this Saturday and it is such an unbearable thought that I will have to say goodbye and walk away, then go on with my life. I am not sure that I know how to do that.

Permalink Reply by white dove on February 10, 2010 at 8:13am

The very beginning after our mom's leave us is very difficult~ I do believe i was still on the fight or flight mode during my mom's memorial service. Anything to get through it. But i am still trying to undo the tight knots i was tied up in during all. My condolences to you dear. I know how u are feeling.

Patsy said:

Mom left me on Feb. 2nd, 2010. The Alzheimers had slowly been taking her piece by piece so there was plenty of time to say goodbye and learn to accept the inevitable but it didn't happen that way. When she stopped breathing I couldn't believe she was really gone. Everyone keeps saying that atleast she isn't suffering anymore and I know I should find some peace in that but I want her back so bad. I know that is selfish but I would give anything to have more time to hold her and tell her how much I love and need her. She is now just part of my past, a memory, and there is nothing I can do to change that. Her funeral is this Saturday and it is such an unbearable thought that I will have to say goodbye and walk away, then go on with my life. I am not sure that I know how to do that.

Permalink Reply by Lori on February 10, 2010 at 9:32am

Hi Patsy,

I really understand where you are coming from. I buried my mom three months ago and I don't even remember how I was able to get through it. I felt like I was in a fog. I still feel like it sometimes. I know how hard it is I still feel like I want to go and tell her things. Everyone says it will get better with time. All I can say is take it all one day at a time. If you can become part of a bereavement group or benefit from some counseling it may help. It has helped me.

Lori

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