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It has almost been a year. I am still not able to deal with the fact that my mom is even gone muchless that my Mom hAS BEEN GONE A YEAR. lAST YEAR THIS TIME RIGHT BEFORE SHE PASSED AWAY WE PLANTED tomatoe plants....it is time to do that again and I do not know how to bring myself to even dig up the soil. i refuse to allow anyone to even touch the dead stalk from last year or even remove the stake in the ground. A part of that being untouched is the only thing that has not changed ............ the only thing that is in the same safe place. No one has rippe dit away yet, no one has told me to move past it, remove it, visit it, cherish it, remember it. I pray for a breeze to send her scent, a cloud to display a message - some one anyone who can no the agony I feel. I could barely do the Holidays - I thought if only I can get thru November and December then If I could get thru New Years and Valentines around came March my birthday - she never ever missed, ever ..... Easter has come and gone and if I can get thru May may is the month ... MAY 26TH the day a Tuesday I will never forget . The very life and the way I knew it will never be again .... This world is so less with out her. I am so much more because of her but some days no one - no one can imagine looking in the mirror to see her eyes in mine to hear her voice to beg the mercy on my heart so it may heal yet I am so afraid now for my own son my only child to some day loose me and I will not be here to heal his pain.
Angie Ivey - Owens said:Angie Ivey - Owens said:Belinda
Thanks for taking the time to read my feeling
Ang
i lost my mother on February 03,2010 i guess you can say today is her two anniversary i miss her like i never missed anyone in my life, and I think I'm slowly going crazy.my mom meant the world to me,since the day she past all i do is think of her all the time there's not a minute that goes by that she not on my mind or in my thoughts,i lost my mom due to heart failure,doctors say she was a miracle because she had four strokes and one major heart attack and she was still breathing,but each one of those strokes took something away and she became bed ridden,which slowly to her away from me. since day one me and my mother have been the best of friends she was my partner in crime you can say we did things that no one could believe we were doing we had fun with life now that she's gone i feel so empty,alone,afraid, like a little kid again.I'm lost and i don't know what to do ,what is my purpose for being here now,i know that people say that it's going to get better and to me i feel like things are getting worse for me,I've never felt like this before in my life.i just don't want to be here any more,not with out her.
Abby
My Mom was my partner in crime too, we used to have a task or a plan or something to take care of that only WE knew about and we'd call it OUR MISSION or if my sister and I needed her help or we were out as teenagers, we could always call our Mom to tell her we were on a mission - and she'd say do you need a ride home ? I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, I may never , ever meet you but there is a person a daughter ( ME ) WHO has lost a Mom too, best buddie, a secret keeper, a best friend - everything and then some - FIND SOMETHING YOU BOTH HAD IN common - My mom never left my sis or I or never gave us a card or anything written on without saying the words " Love You Forever and A Day " I never put much thought into that until a few days befor she died from a heart attack that was from the result of several ministrokes and a huge stroke that left her semi-paralized at only 56 with no warning - SHE said Love You Forver And A Day and when that day comes I'll love you more she never said that before and never sadi that again THAT FORESAKEN DAY HAS COME AND GONE and I know she loves me. My sis and I went two weeks ago and each got that phrase tattooed on our right foot so we can walk together in our mom's path with her words - Do SOMETHING for you and her something between the two of you only. Keep that bond with you and strong !! I too feel alone and helpless and I finally found a local counsler who deals with grief I have gone twice as soon as I sat down I said ( mY mOM died it has been nearly a year and , the lady had a look on her face that replied empathy and sympathy finally on last week a saw far enough into someone eyes to see then looking back at my pain I have 3 more appts set up You may not find the first one to be right for you do not give up !!!! She is in Newport News, VA lcsw, Keitha Austin. across from Mary Immaculate Hospital look in the yellow pages if you live in this area.
Forever and a day, girl an hour at a time
Angie abby vanessa gonzales sai:i lost my mother on February 03,2010 i guess you can say today is her two anniversary i miss her like i never missed anyone in my life, and I think I'm slowly going crazy.my mom meant the world to me,since the day she past all i do is think of her all the time there's not a minute that goes by that she not on my mind or in my thoughts,i lost my mom due to heart failure,doctors say she was a miracle because she had four strokes and one major heart attack and she was still breathing,but each one of those strokes took something away and she became bed ridden,which slowly to her away from me. since day one me and my mother have been the best of friends she was my partner in crime you can say we did things that no one could believe we were doing we had fun with life now that she's gone i feel so empty,alone,afraid, like a little kid again.I'm lost and i don't know what to do ,what is my purpose for being here now,i know that people say that it's going to get better and to me i feel like things are getting worse for me,I've never felt like this before in my life.i just don't want to be here any more,not with out her.
My mom will be gone~ one year tomorrow. I am not sure what i will feel.. or really what im going to do other than visit a tree we planted in her memory. I have read alot of articles, and now know that i will do something calming and quiet.. so that i may feel comfortable in letting out my emotions. This is to you MOM, we miss you so very much, it seems like just yesterday we were laughing, but in other ways of our hearts breaking, time has stood still. I would give anything to have you with us again. I pray that God has filled your heart totally up with love so that you could not want for anything more. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo's your baby and grandbaby.
Stacie Jones said:i am 25 she would be 55 tomorrow and i really dnt know how to deal with it
Belinda you are right people say just anything with little or no meaning or the effects it may have. My Mom was the absolute only person ever in this life who did not and would not judge me... she loved me no matter what , she cared about me.... she was the absolute only person who could even deal with me when I was sick I mean even a cold - my own husband would call her to come get me .. she never ever let me down. she made this eveil , tuff world right, nothing seems stable at all. my eyes do not see the same bright colors, my ears to not hear laughter the same way- spirit is missing mom's spirit is not with me a piece of me is gone literially.
all my prayers and all a mothers love can offer is with all of you , my new supportive friends.
Angie
Angie Ivey - Owens said:Belinda
Thanks for taking the time to read my feeling
Ang
I just wanted to say also that on top of losing my mom a year ago, I also lost my dad a month ago. He was always saying how much he missed her, and that he wanted to be with her.
Jerr,
I am so sorry for you to have lost your father as well in so short a time. Sadly, this seems to be something that happens far too often; where the surviving spouse is so lost without their partner that they seem to lose interest in life themselves. I know that you would not have recovered from your mother's loss -- for it seems there is no recovery from losing someone who is such a part of us.
You also have my sympathy for the regrets you harbour about the circumstances during your mother's last Christmas. I, too, have experienced some of this for my mother spent her last Christmas in the hospital and every day since her passing I have asked myself "why didn't I stay the night with her in her room on Christmas Eve; she would have done that for me". At the time I believed, hoped and prayed my mother would recover from her hospital stay and be allowed to go home...I did not know, when I last saw Mom on New Years Day of 2009 and returned to work overseas, that I would lose her at month end. Ever since then I have asked myself, why couldn't I have made more of an effort to hug her before I left. But I know the answer is that the tubes and wires and IVs were in the way. Most of all I wish I could have had that one last hug to hold in my heart. And as I returned to my job overseas, I was struck by a chilling thought when I boarded my flight. Mom has always expected me to call home once I reached my destination and suddenly I realised there was no one waiting for that call.
However, Jerr, perhaps it is of some comfort to all of us who so deeply miss our moms, that apparently the "other side" is all about love, that our mothers will still love us in spite of our regrets and will surely be waiting for us when our time comes to pass on. I have also been advised by friends that if you are open to "signs" from your Mom you might find special communications coming your way to let you know she is with you. Some people have said they find such signs in the arrival of a special animal or bird, even a song on the radio. My mother had a certain phrase she was fond of using at times; a phrase my brother and I had never heard anyone else use. Well, not long ago we happened to hear a war-time song on the radio, a song we had never heard before, which contained that very phrase. I immediately turned to my brother and said "That's Mom saying Hello, I'm with you"...and whenever something like that happens I tell myself the same thing.
I don't' know what hurts more; the loss of your mother and the expectation that you must endure this pain somehow, or turning to a close friend for support, only to have him tell you they don't want to hear from you. I would not wish that feeling on anyone -- even now the memory of that takes my breath away. And through all that I had to pretend "everything was fine" while I was at work, but I would lock the door to my apartment on the weekend and not have to face the world again until Monday. It seemed I shed most of my tears at night for I constantly woke up with tear filled eyes and had seriously stained my down-filled pillows with those tears. Like several others here have said, I felt I was losing my mind as the sorrow continued week after week. I could not deal with large social situations because it meant pretending a normal life again...and all the wh ile I would look around me and ask myself how the world around me could continue when I had lost my Mom.
One thing which has helped get through that horrible first year, is this forum. It allows me to realise I am not losing my mind and to try to remember my Mom would want me to live the best life I could.
Blessings to all of you, especially to those who are experiencing that "year of firsts". You will need to be strong but take some comfort in knowing this is a road much travelled. If you have a spouse to lean on, I hope he or she is as supportive as you need them to be. Hugs, Yvonne
Yvonne said:Jerr,
I am so sorry for you to have lost your father as well in so short a time. Sadly, this seems to be something that happens far too often; where the surviving spouse is so lost without their partner that they seem to lose interest in life themselves. I know that you would not have recovered from your mother's loss -- for it seems there is no recovery from losing someone who is such a part of us.
You also have my sympathy for the regrets you harbour about the circumstances during your mother's last Christmas. I, too, have experienced some of this for my mother spent her last Christmas in the hospital and every day since her passing I have asked myself "why didn't I stay the night with her in her room on Christmas Eve; she would have done that for me". At the time I believed, hoped and prayed my mother would recover from her hospital stay and be allowed to go home...I did not know, when I last saw Mom on New Years Day of 2009 and returned to work overseas, that I would lose her at month end. Ever since then I have asked myself, why couldn't I have made more of an effort to hug her before I left. But I know the answer is that the tubes and wires and IVs were in the way. Most of all I wish I could have had that one last hug to hold in my heart. And as I returned to my job overseas, I was struck by a chilling thought when I boarded my flight. Mom has always expected me to call home once I reached my destination and suddenly I realised there was no one waiting for that call.
However, Jerr, perhaps it is of some comfort to all of us who so deeply miss our moms, that apparently the "other side" is all about love, that our mothers will still love us in spite of our regrets and will surely be waiting for us when our time comes to pass on. I have also been advised by friends that if you are open to "signs" from your Mom you might find special communications coming your way to let you know she is with you. Some people have said they find such signs in the arrival of a special animal or bird, even a song on the radio. My mother had a certain phrase she was fond of using at times; a phrase my brother and I had never heard anyone else use. Well, not long ago we happened to hear a war-time song on the radio, a song we had never heard before, which contained that very phrase. I immediately turned to my brother and said "That's Mom saying Hello, I'm with you"...and whenever something like that happens I tell myself the same thing.
I don't' know what hurts more; the loss of your mother and the expectation that you must endure this pain somehow, or turning to a close friend for support, only to have him tell you they don't want to hear from you. I would not wish that feeling on anyone -- even now the memory of that takes my breath away. And through all that I had to pretend "everything was fine" while I was at work, but I would lock the door to my apartment on the weekend and not have to face the world again until Monday. It seemed I shed most of my tears at night for I constantly woke up with tear filled eyes and had seriously stained my down-filled pillows with those tears. Like several others here have said, I felt I was losing my mind as the sorrow continued week after week. I could not deal with large social situations because it meant pretending a normal life again...and all the wh ile I would look around me and ask myself how the world around me could continue when I had lost my Mom.
One thing which has helped get through that horrible first year, is this forum. It allows me to realise I am not losing my mind and to try to remember my Mom would want me to live the best life I could.
Blessings to all of you, especially to those who are experiencing that "year of firsts". You will need to be strong but take some comfort in knowing this is a road much travelled. If you have a spouse to lean on, I hope he or she is as supportive as you need them to be. Hugs, Yvonne
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