Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by white dove on April 8, 2010 at 6:36pm

So true. all of what you wrote. I have all of my mom's "life" around me.. in every room. I am still on this up- down see-saw in life... and i sure wonder WHY no one ever told me it would be this way...... I sure hope my daughter has someone in her life when my time comes.!

Angie Ivey - Owens said:

It has almost been a year. I am still not able to deal with the fact that my mom is even gone muchless that my Mom hAS BEEN GONE A YEAR. lAST YEAR THIS TIME RIGHT BEFORE SHE PASSED AWAY WE PLANTED tomatoe plants....it is time to do that again and I do not know how to bring myself to even dig up the soil. i refuse to allow anyone to even touch the dead stalk from last year or even remove the stake in the ground. A part of that being untouched is the only thing that has not changed ............ the only thing that is in the same safe place. No one has rippe dit away yet, no one has told me to move past it, remove it, visit it, cherish it, remember it. I pray for a breeze to send her scent, a cloud to display a message - some one anyone who can no the agony I feel. I could barely do the Holidays - I thought if only I can get thru November and December then If I could get thru New Years and Valentines around came March my birthday - she never ever missed, ever ..... Easter has come and gone and if I can get thru May may is the month ... MAY 26TH the day a Tuesday I will never forget . The very life and the way I knew it will never be again .... This world is so less with out her. I am so much more because of her but some days no one - no one can imagine looking in the mirror to see her eyes in mine to hear her voice to beg the mercy on my heart so it may heal yet I am so afraid now for my own son my only child to some day loose me and I will not be here to heal his pain.

Angie Ivey - Owens said:

Angie Ivey - Owens said:

Belinda

Thanks for taking the time to read my feeling

Ang

Permalink Reply by Angie Ivey - Owens on April 8, 2010 at 8:07pm

Abby
My Mom was my partner in crime too, we used to have a task or a plan or something to take care of that only WE knew about and we'd call it OUR MISSION or if my sister and I needed her help or we were out as teenagers, we could always call our Mom to tell her we were on a mission - and she'd say do you need a ride home ? I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, I may never , ever meet you but there is a person a daughter ( ME ) WHO has lost a Mom too, best buddie, a secret keeper, a best friend - everything and then some - FIND SOMETHING YOU BOTH HAD IN common - My mom never left my sis or I or never gave us a card or anything written on without saying the words " Love You Forever and A Day " I never put much thought into that until a few days befor she died from a heart attack that was from the result of several ministrokes and a huge stroke that left her semi-paralized at only 56 with no warning - SHE said Love You Forver And A Day and when that day comes I'll love you more she never said that before and never sadi that again THAT FORESAKEN DAY HAS COME AND GONE and I know she loves me. My sis and I went two weeks ago and each got that phrase tattooed on our right foot so we can walk together in our mom's path with her words - Do SOMETHING for you and her something between the two of you only. Keep that bond with you and strong !! I too feel alone and helpless and I finally found a local counsler who deals with grief I have gone twice as soon as I sat down I said ( mY mOM died it has been nearly a year and , the lady had a look on her face that replied empathy and sympathy finally on last week a saw far enough into someone eyes to see then looking back at my pain I have 3 more appts set up You may not find the first one to be right for you do not give up !!!! She is in Newport News, VA lcsw, Keitha Austin. across from Mary Immaculate Hospital look in the yellow pages if you live in this area.

Forever and a day, girl an hour at a time

Angie abby vanessa gonzales sai:

i lost my mother on February 03,2010 i guess you can say today is her two anniversary i miss her like i never missed anyone in my life, and I think I'm slowly going crazy.my mom meant the world to me,since the day she past all i do is think of her all the time there's not a minute that goes by that she not on my mind or in my thoughts,i lost my mom due to heart failure,doctors say she was a miracle because she had four strokes and one major heart attack and she was still breathing,but each one of those strokes took something away and she became bed ridden,which slowly to her away from me. since day one me and my mother have been the best of friends she was my partner in crime you can say we did things that no one could believe we were doing we had fun with life now that she's gone i feel so empty,alone,afraid, like a little kid again.I'm lost and i don't know what to do ,what is my purpose for being here now,i know that people say that it's going to get better and to me i feel like things are getting worse for me,I've never felt like this before in my life.i just don't want to be here any more,not with out her.

Permalink Reply by Angie Ivey - Owens on April 8, 2010 at 8:16pm

Abby girl I know this deep pan please surround yourself with a friend a close family member or keep coming here for our support we can help you know you are not alone in this grief you will be angry you will be lonely you will be in pain no one can tell you how or when or if you will feel better - but you will instictivly find a way to cope - YOU WILL use your Moms will the WILL POWER she had to pull thru those strokes and still hang in there with you a little more pull your strength from the fun you had, the memories you got and the determination your Mother had to hold on You have to be here !!!!!!!!!!! you are meant to be here YOU ARE HERE because you are her child she was meant to have you and you are here to show what a beautiful, darling, wonderful creation came from her being and what a legacy you can carry on by telling folks of her miracle of four mini strokes and hanging on use her strentgh as your purpose girl DO IT YOU CAN SHE'LL BE PROUD OF YOU - she rasied you and made you stronger than you think you are atleast half of her here on earth.

Angie Ivey - Owens said:

Abby
My Mom was my partner in crime too, we used to have a task or a plan or something to take care of that only WE knew about and we'd call it OUR MISSION or if my sister and I needed her help or we were out as teenagers, we could always call our Mom to tell her we were on a mission - and she'd say do you need a ride home ? I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, I may never , ever meet you but there is a person a daughter ( ME ) WHO has lost a Mom too, best buddie, a secret keeper, a best friend - everything and then some - FIND SOMETHING YOU BOTH HAD IN common - My mom never left my sis or I or never gave us a card or anything written on without saying the words " Love You Forever and A Day " I never put much thought into that until a few days befor she died from a heart attack that was from the result of several ministrokes and a huge stroke that left her semi-paralized at only 56 with no warning - SHE said Love You Forver And A Day and when that day comes I'll love you more she never said that before and never sadi that again THAT FORESAKEN DAY HAS COME AND GONE and I know she loves me. My sis and I went two weeks ago and each got that phrase tattooed on our right foot so we can walk together in our mom's path with her words - Do SOMETHING for you and her something between the two of you only. Keep that bond with you and strong !! I too feel alone and helpless and I finally found a local counsler who deals with grief I have gone twice as soon as I sat down I said ( mY mOM died it has been nearly a year and , the lady had a look on her face that replied empathy and sympathy finally on last week a saw far enough into someone eyes to see then looking back at my pain I have 3 more appts set up You may not find the first one to be right for you do not give up !!!! She is in Newport News, VA lcsw, Keitha Austin. across from Mary Immaculate Hospital look in the yellow pages if you live in this area.

Forever and a day, girl an hour at a time

Angie abby vanessa gonzales sai:

i lost my mother on February 03,2010 i guess you can say today is her two anniversary i miss her like i never missed anyone in my life, and I think I'm slowly going crazy.my mom meant the world to me,since the day she past all i do is think of her all the time there's not a minute that goes by that she not on my mind or in my thoughts,i lost my mom due to heart failure,doctors say she was a miracle because she had four strokes and one major heart attack and she was still breathing,but each one of those strokes took something away and she became bed ridden,which slowly to her away from me. since day one me and my mother have been the best of friends she was my partner in crime you can say we did things that no one could believe we were doing we had fun with life now that she's gone i feel so empty,alone,afraid, like a little kid again.I'm lost and i don't know what to do ,what is my purpose for being here now,i know that people say that it's going to get better and to me i feel like things are getting worse for me,I've never felt like this before in my life.i just don't want to be here any more,not with out her.

Permalink Reply by Angie Ivey - Owens on April 8, 2010 at 8:22pm

Gosh BeLinda - you seem like the Legecy Mom I have read your posting to us gals and you mentioned your boys and their ages. I feel like I want a hug from you or that if I feel to my knees weeping you would be able to take my face and know my pain. LIKE A MOM

aNGIE

(white dove) said:

My mom will be gone~ one year tomorrow. I am not sure what i will feel.. or really what im going to do other than visit a tree we planted in her memory. I have read alot of articles, and now know that i will do something calming and quiet.. so that i may feel comfortable in letting out my emotions. This is to you MOM, we miss you so very much, it seems like just yesterday we were laughing, but in other ways of our hearts breaking, time has stood still. I would give anything to have you with us again. I pray that God has filled your heart totally up with love so that you could not want for anything more. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo's your baby and grandbaby.

Stacie Jones said:

i am 25 she would be 55 tomorrow and i really dnt know how to deal with it

Permalink Reply by Belinda Rhodes on April 8, 2010 at 8:38pm

I tend to be wordy, but I would love to be your friend....I regret though it is through our circumstances, but I am a rookie.....Thank you, Belinda carrugs@aol.com

Angie Ivey - Owens said:

Belinda you are right people say just anything with little or no meaning or the effects it may have. My Mom was the absolute only person ever in this life who did not and would not judge me... she loved me no matter what , she cared about me.... she was the absolute only person who could even deal with me when I was sick I mean even a cold - my own husband would call her to come get me .. she never ever let me down. she made this eveil , tuff world right, nothing seems stable at all. my eyes do not see the same bright colors, my ears to not hear laughter the same way- spirit is missing mom's spirit is not with me a piece of me is gone literially.

all my prayers and all a mothers love can offer is with all of you , my new supportive friends.
Angie

Angie Ivey - Owens said:

Belinda

Thanks for taking the time to read my feeling

Ang

Permalink Reply by Jerr on April 8, 2010 at 8:43pm

Today has been one year since my mom died too. She had a massive stroke and we slowly watched wither away in a nursing home. She started to get better in the beginning, she was doing phys. therapy and was trying so hard to get better. What made it so hard was that we were kind of on bad terms before her stroke. I didn't get to spend her last christmas with us because she wouldn't let my husband come. We started talking again a couple months before she got sick. On Jan 1 of 2008 I told her we were having a baby. She was happy... then the stroke came Jan 29. It felt as if I had just fallen off a cliff. We didn't know if she could make it. As months went by she got better with the therapy, then another stroke set her back. What I saw each time I saw here was just her shell..she looked so bad. She couldn't talk anymore and was on a feeding tube. I finally took my newborn son to her and she just stared at him. I didn't think she could comprehend that this was her last grandchild. Later I brought pictures of his birth in the hospital, and when she saw them, she cried. That was her first communication for a month with us. It tore me apart...I can't describe how heartbroken we were that she couldn't hold him. I think she knew then. I can't stop thinking if only i said I was sorry..if only i went to see her that last christmas. It breaks my heart that my baby will never know his grandmother.

Permalink Reply by Jerr on April 8, 2010 at 8:55pm

I just wanted to say also that on top of losing my mom a year ago, I also lost my dad a month ago. He was always saying how much he missed her, and that he wanted to be with her.

Permalink Reply by Belinda Rhodes on April 8, 2010 at 9:08pm

I know hindsight is 50-50...why do we judge, why do we allow the breakdown of communication....Please know I can't believe I am 54, and this may seem cruel, sometimes a spouse cannot bear life without the other............I am thinking how much my mom loved babies. Last Christmas I bought her a baby doll for Christmas, not knowing why, but it came from a gut...she had Alzheimers for going on 8 years, she named the baby Joy, and that was because for a couple of months that doll, seemed and felt so real to her, Joy was the best gift I could of given her, she raised 7 girls...but she did not ever give up her passion for babies...I do not know if that makes any sense to you, but I dread going home next month. My #1 son, who got his heart broken, and yet he survived two open heart surgeries. I was thankful she did not remember that wedding, because she loved all of us so much....I am trying to coach my sister through her first son get married, and mom won't be there....I have three weeks to Practice not to cry, but I weep as I type the story.....I promise to help you, and I hope you can help me....Thank you, Belinda

Jerr said:

I just wanted to say also that on top of losing my mom a year ago, I also lost my dad a month ago. He was always saying how much he missed her, and that he wanted to be with her.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on April 8, 2010 at 9:33pm

Jerr,
I am so sorry for you to have lost your father as well in so short a time. Sadly, this seems to be something that happens far too often; where the surviving spouse is so lost without their partner that they seem to lose interest in life themselves. I know that you would not have recovered from your mother's loss -- for it seems there is no recovery from losing someone who is such a part of us.
You also have my sympathy for the regrets you harbour about the circumstances during your mother's last Christmas. I, too, have experienced some of this for my mother spent her last Christmas in the hospital and every day since her passing I have asked myself "why didn't I stay the night with her in her room on Christmas Eve; she would have done that for me". At the time I believed, hoped and prayed my mother would recover from her hospital stay and be allowed to go home...I did not know, when I last saw Mom on New Years Day of 2009 and returned to work overseas, that I would lose her at month end. Ever since then I have asked myself, why couldn't I have made more of an effort to hug her before I left. But I know the answer is that the tubes and wires and IVs were in the way. Most of all I wish I could have had that one last hug to hold in my heart. And as I returned to my job overseas, I was struck by a chilling thought when I boarded my flight. Mom has always expected me to call home once I reached my destination and suddenly I realised there was no one waiting for that call.
However, Jerr, perhaps it is of some comfort to all of us who so deeply miss our moms, that apparently the "other side" is all about love, that our mothers will still love us in spite of our regrets and will surely be waiting for us when our time comes to pass on. I have also been advised by friends that if you are open to "signs" from your Mom you might find special communications coming your way to let you know she is with you. Some people have said they find such signs in the arrival of a special animal or bird, even a song on the radio. My mother had a certain phrase she was fond of using at times; a phrase my brother and I had never heard anyone else use. Well, not long ago we happened to hear a war-time song on the radio, a song we had never heard before, which contained that very phrase. I immediately turned to my brother and said "That's Mom saying Hello, I'm with you"...and whenever something like that happens I tell myself the same thing.
I don't' know what hurts more; the loss of your mother and the expectation that you must endure this pain somehow, or turning to a close friend for support, only to have him tell you they don't want to hear from you. I would not wish that feeling on anyone -- even now the memory of that takes my breath away. And through all that I had to pretend "everything was fine" while I was at work, but I would lock the door to my apartment on the weekend and not have to face the world again until Monday. It seemed I shed most of my tears at night for I constantly woke up with tear filled eyes and had seriously stained my down-filled pillows with those tears. Like several others here have said, I felt I was losing my mind as the sorrow continued week after week. I could not deal with large social situations because it meant pretending a normal life again...and all the wh ile I would look around me and ask myself how the world around me could continue when I had lost my Mom.
One thing which has helped get through that horrible first year, is this forum. It allows me to realise I am not losing my mind and to try to remember my Mom would want me to live the best life I could.
Blessings to all of you, especially to those who are experiencing that "year of firsts". You will need to be strong but take some comfort in knowing this is a road much travelled. If you have a spouse to lean on, I hope he or she is as supportive as you need them to be. Hugs, Yvonne

Permalink Reply by Jerr on April 8, 2010 at 9:48pm

Yvonne said:

Jerr,
I am so sorry for you to have lost your father as well in so short a time. Sadly, this seems to be something that happens far too often; where the surviving spouse is so lost without their partner that they seem to lose interest in life themselves. I know that you would not have recovered from your mother's loss -- for it seems there is no recovery from losing someone who is such a part of us.
You also have my sympathy for the regrets you harbour about the circumstances during your mother's last Christmas. I, too, have experienced some of this for my mother spent her last Christmas in the hospital and every day since her passing I have asked myself "why didn't I stay the night with her in her room on Christmas Eve; she would have done that for me". At the time I believed, hoped and prayed my mother would recover from her hospital stay and be allowed to go home...I did not know, when I last saw Mom on New Years Day of 2009 and returned to work overseas, that I would lose her at month end. Ever since then I have asked myself, why couldn't I have made more of an effort to hug her before I left. But I know the answer is that the tubes and wires and IVs were in the way. Most of all I wish I could have had that one last hug to hold in my heart. And as I returned to my job overseas, I was struck by a chilling thought when I boarded my flight. Mom has always expected me to call home once I reached my destination and suddenly I realised there was no one waiting for that call.
However, Jerr, perhaps it is of some comfort to all of us who so deeply miss our moms, that apparently the "other side" is all about love, that our mothers will still love us in spite of our regrets and will surely be waiting for us when our time comes to pass on. I have also been advised by friends that if you are open to "signs" from your Mom you might find special communications coming your way to let you know she is with you. Some people have said they find such signs in the arrival of a special animal or bird, even a song on the radio. My mother had a certain phrase she was fond of using at times; a phrase my brother and I had never heard anyone else use. Well, not long ago we happened to hear a war-time song on the radio, a song we had never heard before, which contained that very phrase. I immediately turned to my brother and said "That's Mom saying Hello, I'm with you"...and whenever something like that happens I tell myself the same thing.
I don't' know what hurts more; the loss of your mother and the expectation that you must endure this pain somehow, or turning to a close friend for support, only to have him tell you they don't want to hear from you. I would not wish that feeling on anyone -- even now the memory of that takes my breath away. And through all that I had to pretend "everything was fine" while I was at work, but I would lock the door to my apartment on the weekend and not have to face the world again until Monday. It seemed I shed most of my tears at night for I constantly woke up with tear filled eyes and had seriously stained my down-filled pillows with those tears. Like several others here have said, I felt I was losing my mind as the sorrow continued week after week. I could not deal with large social situations because it meant pretending a normal life again...and all the wh ile I would look around me and ask myself how the world around me could continue when I had lost my Mom.
One thing which has helped get through that horrible first year, is this forum. It allows me to realise I am not losing my mind and to try to remember my Mom would want me to live the best life I could.
Blessings to all of you, especially to those who are experiencing that "year of firsts". You will need to be strong but take some comfort in knowing this is a road much travelled. If you have a spouse to lean on, I hope he or she is as supportive as you need them to be. Hugs, Yvonne

Permalink Reply by Jerr on April 8, 2010 at 9:49pm

Jerr said:

Yvonne said:

Jerr,
I am so sorry for you to have lost your father as well in so short a time. Sadly, this seems to be something that happens far too often; where the surviving spouse is so lost without their partner that they seem to lose interest in life themselves. I know that you would not have recovered from your mother's loss -- for it seems there is no recovery from losing someone who is such a part of us.
You also have my sympathy for the regrets you harbour about the circumstances during your mother's last Christmas. I, too, have experienced some of this for my mother spent her last Christmas in the hospital and every day since her passing I have asked myself "why didn't I stay the night with her in her room on Christmas Eve; she would have done that for me". At the time I believed, hoped and prayed my mother would recover from her hospital stay and be allowed to go home...I did not know, when I last saw Mom on New Years Day of 2009 and returned to work overseas, that I would lose her at month end. Ever since then I have asked myself, why couldn't I have made more of an effort to hug her before I left. But I know the answer is that the tubes and wires and IVs were in the way. Most of all I wish I could have had that one last hug to hold in my heart. And as I returned to my job overseas, I was struck by a chilling thought when I boarded my flight. Mom has always expected me to call home once I reached my destination and suddenly I realised there was no one waiting for that call.
However, Jerr, perhaps it is of some comfort to all of us who so deeply miss our moms, that apparently the "other side" is all about love, that our mothers will still love us in spite of our regrets and will surely be waiting for us when our time comes to pass on. I have also been advised by friends that if you are open to "signs" from your Mom you might find special communications coming your way to let you know she is with you. Some people have said they find such signs in the arrival of a special animal or bird, even a song on the radio. My mother had a certain phrase she was fond of using at times; a phrase my brother and I had never heard anyone else use. Well, not long ago we happened to hear a war-time song on the radio, a song we had never heard before, which contained that very phrase. I immediately turned to my brother and said "That's Mom saying Hello, I'm with you"...and whenever something like that happens I tell myself the same thing.
I don't' know what hurts more; the loss of your mother and the expectation that you must endure this pain somehow, or turning to a close friend for support, only to have him tell you they don't want to hear from you. I would not wish that feeling on anyone -- even now the memory of that takes my breath away. And through all that I had to pretend "everything was fine" while I was at work, but I would lock the door to my apartment on the weekend and not have to face the world again until Monday. It seemed I shed most of my tears at night for I constantly woke up with tear filled eyes and had seriously stained my down-filled pillows with those tears. Like several others here have said, I felt I was losing my mind as the sorrow continued week after week. I could not deal with large social situations because it meant pretending a normal life again...and all the wh ile I would look around me and ask myself how the world around me could continue when I had lost my Mom.
One thing which has helped get through that horrible first year, is this forum. It allows me to realise I am not losing my mind and to try to remember my Mom would want me to live the best life I could.
Blessings to all of you, especially to those who are experiencing that "year of firsts". You will need to be strong but take some comfort in knowing this is a road much travelled. If you have a spouse to lean on, I hope he or she is as supportive as you need them to be. Hugs, Yvonne

Permalink Reply by Jerr on April 8, 2010 at 10:02pm

Dear Yvonne,
Thanks for listening to my story. It's great that there are people who can sympathize with me. I think i just needed to get my thoughts down, instead of burdening my family. what i mean is that it seems that every conversation i have with my husband or children always brings up their "lola or pappy". I know this sounds weird, but I feel almost shy now about talking about my parents to even my husband, I don't want him to be burdened or brought down with my grief so I just keep it sometimes to myself. He asked me "why do you always have to be busy all the time" the other day. I didn't want to tell him that if I stop then the thoughts start creeping in. Yvonne, I can relate to what you say about signs from them. My mom and my daughter were very close. Two days after she passed, my daughter had a dream. She said "Lola came to me and she wasn't sick." She was smiling and everything was bright. She said that my mother took her hand and told her to be strong, then she had a feeling that they were going up. My husband and I cried as she told us this story from the backseat of the car. We were on our way to her viewing. Some people have told me that my mother was telling my daughter something, that children are so innocent that they perceive things like this. I feel some closure about my mom because of my daughter's dream.

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