Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lisa on April 13, 2010 at 1:29pm

Thank you for you kind words. I was lucky enough to be with my mother when she died, it took her three days. Minutes before she took her last breath, I had this overwhelming feeling that she was not in her body anymore, but rather behind me, consoling me, telling me that it was ok and that I had done a good job of keeping her company. Then I pictured her walking into heaven where my dad was waiting for her. It did console me. I have no doubt about where she is now. I just cant shake this feeling of nothingness. Of emptiness. Does it get better?

Permalink Reply by white dove on April 14, 2010 at 10:11am

Hi everyone. Is anyone else having problems trying to log into this site? I have since yesterday.. just by a fluke i got on today. Thanks, and prayers for all

Lisa said:

Hi everyone,
I lost my mother on March 30th, 2010, on the same date as my Dad, twelve years later. She died of a severe infection after having been in a ventilator nursing home for 5 months. She was 84 years old. She suffered a subdural hematoma in October 2009 after having fallen out of her bed. She was brain damaged, couldn't walk, she had a feeding tube but she was awake. The last 5 months have been horrible for my family. I hated her being in a nursing home but couldn't take her home because of the ventilator. They actually managed to wean her off 2 weeks before she died. I prayed so much for her suffering to end but now that she is gone, the pain is immense and hard to put into words as many of you know. I know her suffering has ended, but I can't help but think aboutall those months she laid in bed and wonder what was going through her mind. I was with her every day with the exception of 5 days when I had strep throat. I advocated for her and made sure, as best I could that she was comfortable. Now, I don't know what to do with myself. My husband, daughter and myself moved into her coop complex 5 yrs. ago so we could be closer to her and take care of her. We were very close and spent alot of time together. I feel empty inside and can't beleive she is gone. Wll, i don't know what else to say. I feel like no one else understands what I am feeling; people keep telling me I have to deal and go on, but right now, I feel so sad and alone. Like I am an orphan. Thank you for listening.
My best to everyone.

Permalink Reply by Julie G Wilbur on April 14, 2010 at 4:15pm

Yes, it is traumatic,Mom passed March 25, and it was unexpected she is missed so much. I saw something the other day for the kitchen I was considering buying for her and it brought tears to my eyes. I cant do it now. Do all you can every day for others...always.esp family.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on April 14, 2010 at 10:29pm

Dear Maggie,
I have tried a few times to reply to your heartbreaking note, but was so overwhelmed by my reaction I found it difficult to set the words down.
My deepest condolences to you for the loss of your dear mother and for the poor treatment you received from your siblings. As has been said before you can pick your friends but not your family; and its very true that your brother is to be pitied for the lack of compassion he demonstrated and for his disregard for the woman who gave him life. The man he sees in the mirror every day is one he will have to learn to live with and there is not a lot he can do to make up for his actions.

Meanwhile I hope you will somehow remain connected with that hospice volunteer for she is obviously an angel who has come into your life when you needed to hear from her. The fact that your mother was her best friend is a relationship you can probably relate to. Perhaps, in time, you and the volunteer can arrange for a special private ceremony to commemorate your mother's life and what she meant to you for I do believe you both might need some way of honouring this special person.

Obviously your brother's callous actions denied you an opportunity to be part of any sort of service he may have organised, but you and your Mom's friend could perhaps arrange a small memorial, or even a small gathering of friends to share memories of your mom, share photos and memories of her and following a favourite song or poem or prayer, you could each release balloons (in her favourite colour) with small memories attached to them. Another popular way of honouring a loved ones' memory seems to be having a tree planted in a special location with a small plaque identifying the honoured person. Our neighbours had done this in memory of their father and had a tree planted in a local park. There is a small stone commemorating the planting and it serves as a place they can visit in lieu of a cemetery marker. I've also heard of others having a park bench installed in a park their loved one favoured and they visit that bench when they feel like talking to their mother.

I believe that in spite of your siblings cruelty you still feel a need to honour your Mom and that t his need will grow stronger with the approach of Mothers Day. Do stay in contact with the hospice volunteer as she must surely miss your mother too. And know that our mother's never really leave us; they will live forever in our hearts and if we listen closely in our quiet moments we can feel them reaching out to us.

May God send you more angels, Maggie, to help you through this difficult time.
((Hugs))
Yvonne


Maggie De-Faria said:

I am originally from Dorchester, but I now live in San Diego California. My mother resided in the Parkwell Nursing Home in Hyde Park.

My brother and 2 sisters are not close and the situation is strained. But this Easter Sunday I had a strange feeling inside of me. That my mother had passed away. That feeling lasted all day then went away.

Friday I received a card from a hospice volunteer. She said my mother was her best friend. That she took the card I sent my mother and read it to her and it put a smile on her face, even though she was pretty sick. Then she wrote, your mother looked up to the ceiling and took her last breath. It was beautifully written, but I was in total shock.
I didn't know this woman, yet she took the time to call me to tell me my mother had passed away. She had died April 5th.

When I called down to the Parkwell Nursing home, they would not give me any information. Told me the couldn't that I wasn't on the "LIST." My brother barred me from ever seeing her or knowing anything further about her. Regardless I did send things and I did write.

I called my sister, she was shocked I knew and demanded to know who told me. It upset me, through anger I told them, how long were all of you going to keep this a secret? No answer.

My brother cremated her on Wednesday and threw her urn into the garbage. I'm sick to hear this and no type of memorial, no where to go, nothing. I don't know who the funeral home was, nothing. I feel sick and guilty and horrible. I cannot stop crying.

My mom was all I had, she didn't deserve this cruelty. I will live with this guilt until I die. I had to write someone somewhere. I want to scream why? I want to punch someone, but the pillow does the justice. Why so cruel ...Why?

Permalink Reply by audrey reyna on April 18, 2010 at 4:46am

oh sweetie it had nothing to do with you! your brother will pay to a higher power in this life or another...My mom was buried 48hrs ago and she was my best friend,my dad is also dying soon and siblings worthless!!! Scream,cry ,yell...get the anger out of your system becuase it will cause you to be bitter to the ones you really love.....Audrey Austin,TX

Permalink Reply by Dignity Memorial NC on April 19, 2010 at 4:04pm

Losing a parent is hard -- regardless of age. We've found that the best way to cope with this loss is to focus on the memories you've shared. Keep heeding the advice they've given you, even once they're gone, and you'll both honor and preserve their memories. http://bit.ly/9Bwzow

Permalink Reply by Barbara on April 20, 2010 at 10:17pm

My mom just died April 15, 2010. She was in terrible pain from cancer throughout her body and at times would scream from it. It was a blessing for her but it has left me devastated. The family all stayed overnight in the nursing home with her so she would not be alone when she passed away. She died in my sister and my arms at 4:00 a.m. I am now feeling pangs of guilt besides missing her. A week ago they said we needed to have a central line put in to keep her nourished and hydrated as she wasn't eating or drinking and they couldnt get IV's to stay in. I said no as I knew it was what she wanted but now I am wondering if it made her death even more horrible and led to her suffering more. My dad passed away 2 years ago and I know she never got over it and longed to be with him yet if I had the line put in she would still be breathing and perhaps they could have managed her pain level better. Anyway, I want my mom back and cannot bear that she is not sitting in her chair when I go in her house and I can never talk to her or see her. How do I get over this when 2 years later I still miss my dad.

Permalink Reply by Lynda on April 20, 2010 at 10:33pm

I lost my mom on January 28, 2010. She had copd and emphysema. She went in to a coma and then when I went to give her, her medication she looked at me and passed away in my arms. I am devasted, I cry at the drop of a hat, im depressed, loney, basically miserable. I am married and have one teenage son still at home, one just moved out. I never went a day of my 42 years without talking to my mother, never lived more than 10 minutes from her, the last year she was on hospice and lived with me and died in my home. I cant stand to be here. I have anxiety attacks all the time. She was taken to the hospital a week before she passed away and they wanted her to stay on a breathing device, like a sleep apnea machine, she promised me if I brought her home she would, and then she fought me to do it. Im angry at her for not wearing it and angry at myself for not making her. She knew it was coming, she told me we could prolong it but in the end I think she was just so tired. But I have a huge void to fill in my life she was always the center of it, I dont know how to live without her. I went to a grief counseler and she suggested getting put on medication, I just want to stay in bed. If taking street drugs takes pain like this away no wonder there are drug addicts. I just want something to make me feel nothing, not happy not sad, just here.

Permalink Reply by white dove on April 20, 2010 at 10:52pm

To both Lynda and Barbara, My very sincere condolences to you now~ those of us who have been on this site from beginning to now recognize your thoughts and feelings at this time in your lives... it is very hard. Yes, anxiety, and depression, and feelings of possibly losing your mind. Many of us have felt all of these horrible feelings. Funny how some doctors want to put us on Meds immediately. I would just like to tell u that all u are feeling is completely "normal" for us in mourning.. Please don't try to mask it, you can work through this and your lives will be different YES... but things will improve. I will never go back to my past life (me) as it (I) was... and am still learning how to adjust. Just the way it is. Peace, Love and Prayers for you!

Lynda said:

I lost my mom on January 28, 2010. She had copd and emphysema. She went in to a coma and then when I went to give her, her medication she looked at me and passed away in my arms. I am devasted, I cry at the drop of a hat, im depressed, loney, basically miserable. I am married and have one teenage son still at home, one just moved out. I never went a day of my 42 years without talking to my mother, never lived more than 10 minutes from her, the last year she was on hospice and lived with me and died in my home. I cant stand to be here. I have anxiety attacks all the time. She was taken to the hospital a week before she passed away and they wanted her to stay on a breathing device, like a sleep apnea machine, she promised me if I brought her home she would, and then she fought me to do it. Im angry at her for not wearing it and angry at myself for not making her. She knew it was coming, she told me we could prolong it but in the end I think she was just so tired. But I have a huge void to fill in my life she was always the center of it, I dont know how to live without her. I went to a grief counseler and she suggested getting put on medication, I just want to stay in bed. If taking street drugs takes pain like this away no wonder there are drug addicts. I just want something to make me feel nothing, not happy not sad, just here.

Permalink Reply by Lori on April 21, 2010 at 8:32am

To Lynda and Barbara my condolences to you as well. I lost my mom to breast cancer this past November. All of what you are feeling is normal. I still have days that I feel like "I'm going crazy" The hospice where my mom was a brief patient offers free counseling for a year. I have found it very helpful. I went to a parental loss group for 6 weeks and it had helped. I'm going to another workshop in a couple of weeks. I have also found this group very helpful as well.

(white dove) said:

To both Lynda and Barbara, My very sincere condolences to you now~ those of us who have been on this site from beginning to now recognize your thoughts and feelings at this time in your lives... it is very hard. Yes, anxiety, and depression, and feelings of possibly losing your mind. Many of us have felt all of these horrible feelings. Funny how some doctors want to put us on Meds immediately. I would just like to tell u that all u are feeling is completely "normal" for us in mourning.. Please don't try to mask it, you can work through this and your lives will be different YES... but things will improve. I will never go back to my past life (me) as it (I) was... and am still learning how to adjust. Just the way it is. Peace, Love and Prayers for you!

Lynda said:

I lost my mom on January 28, 2010. She had copd and emphysema. She went in to a coma and then when I went to give her, her medication she looked at me and passed away in my arms. I am devasted, I cry at the drop of a hat, im depressed, loney, basically miserable. I am married and have one teenage son still at home, one just moved out. I never went a day of my 42 years without talking to my mother, never lived more than 10 minutes from her, the last year she was on hospice and lived with me and died in my home. I cant stand to be here. I have anxiety attacks all the time. She was taken to the hospital a week before she passed away and they wanted her to stay on a breathing device, like a sleep apnea machine, she promised me if I brought her home she would, and then she fought me to do it. Im angry at her for not wearing it and angry at myself for not making her. She knew it was coming, she told me we could prolong it but in the end I think she was just so tired. But I have a huge void to fill in my life she was always the center of it, I dont know how to live without her. I went to a grief counseler and she suggested getting put on medication, I just want to stay in bed. If taking street drugs takes pain like this away no wonder there are drug addicts. I just want something to make me feel nothing, not happy not sad, just here.

Permalink Reply by Jerr on April 21, 2010 at 10:18am

(white dove) said:

To both Lynda and Barbara, My very sincere condolences to you now~ those of us who have been on this site from beginning to now recognize your thoughts and feelings at this time in your lives... it is very hard. Yes, anxiety, and depression, and feelings of possibly losing your mind. Many of us have felt all of these horrible feelings. Funny how some doctors want to put us on Meds immediately. I would just like to tell u that all u are feeling is completely "normal" for us in mourning.. Please don't try to mask it, you can work through this and your lives will be different YES... but things will improve. I will never go back to my past life (me) as it (I) was... and am still learning how to adjust. Just the way it is. Peace, Love and Prayers for you!

Lynda said:

I lost my mom on January 28, 2010. She had copd and emphysema. She went in to a coma and then when I went to give her, her medication she looked at me and passed away in my arms. I am devasted, I cry at the drop of a hat, im depressed, loney, basically miserable. I am married and have one teenage son still at home, one just moved out. I never went a day of my 42 years without talking to my mother, never lived more than 10 minutes from her, the last year she was on hospice and lived with me and died in my home. I cant stand to be here. I have anxiety attacks all the time. She was taken to the hospital a week before she passed away and they wanted her to stay on a breathing device, like a sleep apnea machine, she promised me if I brought her home she would, and then she fought me to do it. Im angry at her for not wearing it and angry at myself for not making her. She knew it was coming, she told me we could prolong it but in the end I think she was just so tired. But I have a huge void to fill in my life she was always the center of it, I dont know how to live without her. I went to a grief counseler and she suggested getting put on medication, I just want to stay in bed. If taking street drugs takes pain like this away no wonder there are drug addicts. I just want something to make me feel nothing, not happy not sad, just here.

Permalink Reply by Jerr on April 21, 2010 at 10:31am

It sounds very familiar to me. Lynda, I felt the same way too. After my mom died, it hadn't even been a year and my father got very sick. I was staying with him, making sure he took his meds. He would make all kinds of excuses for not taking them, and when they increased his dose, he sometimes wouldn't take it. I blame myself sometimes for his death. The last time he came home from the hospital, his heart was at 5-10%. The nurses from the agency kept telling him he needed to try to use his walker, drink water. But everytime they left I would battle with him. I felt that if he didn't listen to me, he would die. That's what they said, if he didn't try, something would happen. I would try every approach. His mind was never the same the last couple weeks. I didn't see the sweet person who raised me. It was as though I had been through war, trying to take care of my father, knowing it was critical, and listening to this man who I knew was my dad, but wasn't. Everyone told me that I was doing the very best I could and it still doesn't take back the fact that he and my mom are gone.

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