Missing Mom

Grief support for all who have lost moms

Losing your mother can be traumatic at any age. Share your grief and talk with others who are coping with the loss of their mothers.

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Permalink Reply by Belinda Rhodes on April 26, 2010 at 10:11pm

Barbara, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. It breaks my heart you and your sister had to experience the pain the cancer was causing your mom. The decisions you made should never be second guessed, you never know how many hours, days, weeks, or months your mom needed to hang on, before she was set free, from the pain the accompanies this horrible disease. I am at a loss for words, or second guessing, why the staff could not get her pain under control. You and your sister are so brave to have hung in there with your mom, and let her know you were helpless with the pain management, but if love could take the pain away, you two sisters are a witness to all the world, even though you were not quite ready to loose a second parent in such a short time, but to have been there, offering her love and support...that if you could take any of the discomfort away, or a magic wand to stop the agony, you did the best you knew what to do, simply hold her and love. Keep in touch....Belinda

Belinda Rhodes said:

Barbara said:
My mom just died April 15, 2010. She was in terrible pain from cancer throughout her body and at times would scream from it. It was a blessing for her but it has left me devastated. The family all stayed overnight in the nursing home with her so she would not be alone when she passed away. She died in my sister and my arms at 4:00 a.m. I am now feeling pangs of guilt besides missing her. A week ago they said we needed to have a central line put in to keep her nourished and hydrated as she wasn't eating or drinking and they couldnt get IV's to stay in. I said no as I knew it was what she wanted but now I am wondering if it made her death even more horrible and led to her suffering more. My dad passed away 2 years ago and I know she never got over it and longed to be with him yet if I had the line put in she would still be breathing and perhaps they could have managed her pain level better. Anyway, I want my mom back and cannot bear that she is not sitting in her chair when I go in her house and I can never talk to her or see her. How do I get over this when 2 years later I still miss my dad.

Permalink Reply by white dove on April 27, 2010 at 8:49am

Dear Favorite daughter :) I too sat by, slept next to, my mom while she was in the middle of the living room in a hospital bed. I think it was for around a month and 3 weeks. I promised her i would be holding her hand if she should go... well!! I was near my end... stressed, extremely tired, just exhausted one Friday night. So i told my mom (while she was in a coma) that i was sorry but i was going to put on tv and watch my fav show. I threw a pillow down on the floor at the foot end of her bed and within a few minutes i was OUT! My daughter was in our apartment next door. While she was on the computer.. it shut down! Then she tried to call me on my cell and it hung up on her! As she walked thru our living room she felt as if she had just walked THRU an Angel ~ then 2 blinds fell of our window! That was it! She came over to gramma's fearing the worst. All i can remember was: she came in the door and whispered to me.. not to shock me.. MaMa- Gramma isnt breathing anymore! So, my feelings are, our loved ones pick their time to go on their journey home... Could i have held my moms body here by being by her side for so long? I sure hope Not because she fought quite the battle to stay.... I also was very sad, that i didn't stay at her bedside holding her hand as i promised. But i got my last chance... while waiting (it seemed forever) for the folks to come for her.. her hand was warm all that time while i held it!!! And that was about 3 hours...... Our moms are whole now, no more pain, suffering... we are the ones that must work thru our grief journey.. until we are with our beloved moms once again * My prayers are said nightly for all of us!

Favorite Daughter said:

Belinda, your email has been a comforting balm to me. My dearest mother and best friend died in February due to, I think, the final mini-stroke out of many she suffered over the past month of her life. She was 89 years old and had been in relatively good health and of sounder mind that anyone I know until she suffered a stroke last May. We were told she would be "fine" and we believed that. However, she lost her ability to walk so we set up our living room as a bedroom for her; she started getting delusional and mean. We had hospice for the last 9 months of her life. I am an only child and have pretty much been my mother's whole life since my dad died when I was in my mid 20's. We were best friends, traveling companions, and towards the end, I became her mother...This was the most difficult time in my life. I always thought my mother would be just "go to sleep" on night (don't we all wish for that!) because she has had so many "nine lives." She progressively got worse, ate less and less, and began sleeping most of the time. When I asked the hospice nurse if we were nearing the end and should I be preparing to walk with my mom on her final journey home, she kept telling me "no, my mother's vitals were good." We had a horrible Feburary -- snow, snow and MORE snow. My aide was snowed in and couldn't make it to my house, my husband couldn't get home on time in the morning (he worked nights to stay home during the day with my mother), I was missing work, my mom was getting too difficult to lift and was sleeping most of the time and was angry and beligerent the rest of the time. We were stressed to the max. We lost our electricity one Friday night and we had to take my mom to the hospice facilty, where she stayed for 5 days until the snow stopped falling (she HATED it there and told me I was a terrible daughter). All of my mom's life I have stayed with her in hospitals, in rehabs, the first night of her hospice stay...but I couldn't get out to her the other nights because of the snow. The finally brought her home the following Thursday night. She had a catheter and was sleeping. She slept all day Friday and when she woke on Saturday morning she told me she was thirsty. I gave her some water and told her that when our aid came I was going to the store to get some food in the house and that I would bring her a prize. She went back to sleep. I was not gone an hour when a friend came to find me. My mother had died and I had missed being with her by 20 minutes (my husband and our aide were with her, so she was not alone) but my pain and guilt of not being there has been unbearable. I believe if hospice had come sooner to examine her they would have known that my mother's time was near and I would never have left her (they are supposed to come to the house the night a patient returns home, but they did not come that night, they did not come the next day and they did not show up until later in the afternoon on the day she died). Everyone tells me that she didn't want me there when she died, but I don't believe that -- my mother wanted me with her ALL THE TIME and it kills me that I wasn't there with her for the most important journey of all... I know that I did all I could over the years to take care of her and love her and I know that I did what she wanted -- I kept her out of a nursing home...but I am so sad and miss her so much. I am hoping that she went so fast that she didn't even realize I wasn't there and that she isn't made at me for not being with her, but who knows... Anyway, for some reason reading your post has made me feel better and I thank you very much for that.

Permalink Reply by wd on April 27, 2010 at 9:21pm

I recently buried my mom this month. She was 79 and she suddenly went down due to long term complications from alzheimers. I felt at peace when this photo was taken because I knew I had done all that I could to help her. So where do I go now? I am attempting to continue with my life but there is such a void. I really can't imagine how some people go thru life and never speak or talk to their mom. All I can think about now are my memories. But a part of me is still wondering what if I had done this or what about that. tough times for me and I am still missing my mom.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on April 27, 2010 at 11:45pm

wd, I am so sorry for your less and the very raw feelings you must be experiencing. I am sure everyone in this forum would tell you we are all very familiar with that void you refer to. When we find ourselves thinking "I must tell Mom about this" or when you notice something in a shop which you know your mother would love and just before you reach for it you remember you can't shop for her anymore. I think one of the worst moments for me is when I notice an elderly lady in a wheelchair or walker trying to get her shopping done -- and I remember how my mother always felt so embarrassed to need the wheelchair in her later years. So when I notice one of those ladies I try to help them a little (without spooking the poor dears). I also know what you mean about unfortunate folks who have no relationship with their mothers; I know of a few such people and because their mothers are still alive I am encouraging them to reconnect somehow because, as we know, when their time in this life is over, they are gone a long time. I think in various ways we all have regrets of one sort or another. My personal sadness is that I could not have been with my mother when she passed, that I was working outside the country. However I also know that my mother was a very pragmatic lady about things like that and I believe very much the comment that our loved ones often choose their time. My mother slipped away in her sleep, without warning and my father and brother had to be notified by the hospital. It saddens me that she was alone when she passed, but if I had been the only one who could not be with her I would have been so much more devastated...and she knew that.
As to where you go from here, I hope you will fill your heart and mind with memories of the wonderful times you shared with your mother before Alzheimers affected her. Your mom is surely near you for I believe they never really leave us; so talk to her every night if it helps you, or write her a letter each day in a "journal" if you like..and as the days slip by you will find yourself remembering more of the love and more of the happy times. These may help mellow the memories of her illness.
Above all else, remember you are not alone - to one extent or another everyone here knows your grief.
Blessings to all!

wd said:

I recently buried my mom this month. She was 79 and she suddenly went down due to long term complications from alzheimers. I felt at peace when this photo was taken because I knew I had done all that I could to help her. So where do I go now? I am attempting to continue with my life but there is such a void. I really can't imagine how some people go thru life and never speak or talk to their mom. All I can think about now are my memories. But a part of me is still wondering what if I had done this or what about that. tough times for me and I am still missing my mom.

Permalink Reply by beverly on April 28, 2010 at 8:00pm

i lost my mom last may 2009, and it was the most devastating thing that has ever happenned to me(along with losing my father in 2004, she went in for an operation and should have been in the hospitol only 3-5 days and wound up never coming home, she passed 5-17-2009. she was 86 years old, didn't look at all like her age and never acted it, she traveled with me,shopped,walked every day etc. it was total neglect from the hospitol. i can not except her passing, i cry and cry all the time and miss her so so much, i talk to her everyday wishing she would answer me or touch me to let me know she is with me at all time, we were best friends,together all the time.to make matters worse i had to make a decsion of taking her off life support which she never wanted but i tried for 4 days and she only got worse,i can not believe she is really gone and with mothers day coming up and her birthday and the anniversary day she passed, i can not really take this time of year since it is her first year,everyone says it will get easier but, it is actually getting harder for me.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on April 29, 2010 at 6:11am

Dear Beverly,
My condolences to you during this very difficult period.
Having just gone through that "year of firsts", I can't say it does get any easier. Even friends who lost their mother 25 years ago tell me they still miss them.
Like you, my mom was my closest friend and whenever I was home on leave we would plan shopping trips and just spend all kinds of time together. She, too, entered into hospital "for a few days", but I believe it was the experience there that ended her life. (10 days in the ER, infections of one sort or another, etc.) When I would visit her at the hospital she would often look at me, with tears in her eyes and say "Just take me home and we'll go shopping." How I wish that had been possible. We were so hopeful she would be coming home in time for Christmas and I still have the clothes set aside for her return trip from the hospital -- can't quite give them away just yet.
Without a doubt, with Mothers Day approaching everyone on this forum will be missing their moms with great sorrow. No doubt we have all been bombarded on the internet with commercial promotions for floral arrangements and gifts. I think these only heighten our sense of loss.
If you have a chance to connect in some way with your Mom's friends or siblings this might help as they are sure to be missing her as well. You may find some comfort in sharing happy memories of times with your mom in your conversations with them. For Mother's Day this year I plan to reach out to one of my mother's oldest and dearest friends, who has known me since I was a baby and who had no children of her own. I will also call a close relative of hers who is estranged from her own daughter. Perhaps these small gestures will help me get through a painful day...I hope God may guide you to find a similar way to get through this month ahead.
Blessings, Yvonne

beverly said:

i lost my mom last may 2009, and it was the most devastating thing that has ever happenned to me(along with losing my father in 2004, she went in for an operation and should have been in the hospitol only 3-5 days and wound up never coming home, she passed 5-17-2009. she was 86 years old, didn't look at all like her age and never acted it, she traveled with me,shopped,walked every day etc. it was total neglect from the hospitol. i can not except her passing, i cry and cry all the time and miss her so so much, i talk to her everyday wishing she would answer me or touch me to let me know she is with me at all time, we were best friends,together all the time.to make matters worse i had to make a decsion of taking her off life support which she never wanted but i tried for 4 days and she only got worse,i can not believe she is really gone and with mothers day coming up and her birthday and the anniversary day she passed, i can not really take this time of year since it is her first year,everyone says it will get easier but, it is actually getting harder for me.

Permalink Reply by beverly on April 29, 2010 at 7:35am

Belinda Rhodes said:

Barbara, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. It breaks my heart you and your sister had to experience the pain the cancer was causing your mom. The decisions you made should never be second guessed, you never know how many hours, days, weeks, or months your mom needed to hang on, before she was set free, from the pain the accompanies this horrible disease. I am at a loss for words, or second guessing, why the staff could not get her pain under control. You and your sister are so brave to have hung in there with your mom, and let her know you were helpless with the pain management, but if love could take the pain away, you two sisters are a witness to all the world, even though you were not quite ready to loose a second parent in such a short time, but to have been there, offering her love and support...that if you could take any of the discomfort away, or a magic wand to stop the agony, you did the best you knew what to do, simply hold her and love. Keep in touch....Belinda

Belinda Rhodes said:
Barbara said:
My mom just died April 15, 2010. She was in terrible pain from cancer throughout her body and at times would scream from it. It was a blessing for her but it has left me devastated. The family all stayed overnight in the nursing home with her so she would not be alone when she passed away. She died in my sister and my arms at 4:00 a.m. I am now feeling pangs of guilt besides missing her. A week ago they said we needed to have a central line put in to keep her nourished and hydrated as she wasn't eating or drinking and they couldnt get IV's to stay in. I said no as I knew it was what she wanted but now I am wondering if it made her death even more horrible and led to her suffering more. My dad passed away 2 years ago and I know she never got over it and longed to be with him yet if I had the line put in she would still be breathing and perhaps they could have managed her pain level better. Anyway, I want my mom back and cannot bear that she is not sitting in her chair when I go in her house and I can never talk to her or see her. How do I get over this when 2 years later I still miss my dad.

Permalink Reply by white dove on April 29, 2010 at 12:39pm

I feel that as time goes by our extreme moments are fewer.. just me talking here, but even after our "firsts" i continue to have my days. This forum helps me to voice my not so good days.. of which i am very grateful for..for all of you! Today is one of those roller coaster down ones. Praying hard today!
Due to my ptsd caused by experiences in caring for my mama... i havent been ready to get back into the work force yet~ now it has terribly caught up. As old as i am.. i still need my mom. Please if anyone would care to, prayers would be much appreciated today for us. Thank u and God bless.

beverly said:

Belinda Rhodes said:
Barbara, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. It breaks my heart you and your sister had to experience the pain the cancer was causing your mom. The decisions you made should never be second guessed, you never know how many hours, days, weeks, or months your mom needed to hang on, before she was set free, from the pain the accompanies this horrible disease. I am at a loss for words, or second guessing, why the staff could not get her pain under control. You and your sister are so brave to have hung in there with your mom, and let her know you were helpless with the pain management, but if love could take the pain away, you two sisters are a witness to all the world, even though you were not quite ready to loose a second parent in such a short time, but to have been there, offering her love and support...that if you could take any of the discomfort away, or a magic wand to stop the agony, you did the best you knew what to do, simply hold her and love. Keep in touch....Belinda

Belinda Rhodes said:
Barbara said:
My mom just died April 15, 2010. She was in terrible pain from cancer throughout her body and at times would scream from it. It was a blessing for her but it has left me devastated. The family all stayed overnight in the nursing home with her so she would not be alone when she passed away. She died in my sister and my arms at 4:00 a.m. I am now feeling pangs of guilt besides missing her. A week ago they said we needed to have a central line put in to keep her nourished and hydrated as she wasn't eating or drinking and they couldnt get IV's to stay in. I said no as I knew it was what she wanted but now I am wondering if it made her death even more horrible and led to her suffering more. My dad passed away 2 years ago and I know she never got over it and longed to be with him yet if I had the line put in she would still be breathing and perhaps they could have managed her pain level better. Anyway, I want my mom back and cannot bear that she is not sitting in her chair when I go in her house and I can never talk to her or see her. How do I get over this when 2 years later I still miss my dad.

Permalink Reply by beverly on April 29, 2010 at 1:11pm

dear julie,
i feel the same way as you, i go out somewhere and think to myself i have to tell mom when i get home,and then think,no i can't, i am so alone with out her.typing this note to you i am crying,i wish she could answer me when i talk to her, it is not getting any easier for me ,it's getting worse.

Permalink Reply by Barbara on April 29, 2010 at 9:40pm

Belinda, Thank you so much for your kind words. Today was an especially hard day. It was exactly two weeks ago my mom slipped away. My husband and I went to the cemetary today. The grave is a mess at the moment with the dirt just piled there and dead flowers from the service. We tried to fix it as best we could but I guess it will be awhile before it is back in good order. It made me unbearably sad to see that hugh mound and know that she is there instead of home where she belongs.
I still keep remembering my mom's last day. I took a long early lunch to sit with her for a few hours. When I had to get back to work I leaned over to tell her I was leaving and her last words to me were "where are you going?" I told her I had to get back to work (I chose my job over staying and talking to her not knowing it was my last chance) I told her "Im going back to work mama but Trish is here" My sister came to stay while I went back to work. My mother would always yell at me to not leave work to stay with her and yet that day she seemed to not want me to leave. Fifteen hours later she was gone and I will never talk to her again. Two months ago she was fine. I took her out for dinner to her favorite pizza place and then took her to a friend's bar for a drink. We had such a nice night. Little did I know that just a short time later it would all be gone. As bad as I feel it is great to have this place where I can let my feelings out and know there are so many of you that understand how I feel.

Permalink Reply by wd on April 29, 2010 at 10:58pm

To Yvonne thank you for your kind words. I take a piece of my soul with me in my mom's spirit. I KEEP THINKING well what DO I do? Another thing that I feel every day is like I'm drowning. I mean when mom died I had just gone home for a few hours to get some sleep. My dad was with her and when she died he went home and later called me. It was about an hour after her death. I just felt so angry, he left before I could go back to the hospital. Am I being unfair?? I don't know what to do. I haven't asked him why did he leave before I could go back to the hospital, mainly because if he says something wrong it will be harder for me to cope with. I am in so much pain

Permalink Reply by Jalopy on April 29, 2010 at 11:47pm

My heart hears the pain each writer expresses. It is so hard to keep going when one so dear is no longer present in our daily lives. Regardless of our relationship to our Mothers, we all experience anguish over the incompleteness of our lives once our Moms have left us behind.
My most beloved Mom left behind a pain ravaged body on August 16th, 2007. Diabetes stole the life of a beautiful, loving woman. First through loss of her eyesight, then kidney failure which resulted in over 10 years of painful, but life sustaining dialysis treatments and ultimately, the battle was lost to the pain of dry gangrene, that I believe with all that is in me, was induced by dehydration by overzealous dialysis treatment.
I feel such guilt for not protecting my Mom when her dialysis treatments began inducing such pain that she would