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Barbara said:My mom just died April 15, 2010. She was in terrible pain from cancer throughout her body and at times would scream from it. It was a blessing for her but it has left me devastated. The family all stayed overnight in the nursing home with her so she would not be alone when she passed away. She died in my sister and my arms at 4:00 a.m. I am now feeling pangs of guilt besides missing her. A week ago they said we needed to have a central line put in to keep her nourished and hydrated as she wasn't eating or drinking and they couldnt get IV's to stay in. I said no as I knew it was what she wanted but now I am wondering if it made her death even more horrible and led to her suffering more. My dad passed away 2 years ago and I know she never got over it and longed to be with him yet if I had the line put in she would still be breathing and perhaps they could have managed her pain level better. Anyway, I want my mom back and cannot bear that she is not sitting in her chair when I go in her house and I can never talk to her or see her. How do I get over this when 2 years later I still miss my dad.
Belinda, your email has been a comforting balm to me. My dearest mother and best friend died in February due to, I think, the final mini-stroke out of many she suffered over the past month of her life. She was 89 years old and had been in relatively good health and of sounder mind that anyone I know until she suffered a stroke last May. We were told she would be "fine" and we believed that. However, she lost her ability to walk so we set up our living room as a bedroom for her; she started getting delusional and mean. We had hospice for the last 9 months of her life. I am an only child and have pretty much been my mother's whole life since my dad died when I was in my mid 20's. We were best friends, traveling companions, and towards the end, I became her mother...This was the most difficult time in my life. I always thought my mother would be just "go to sleep" on night (don't we all wish for that!) because she has had so many "nine lives." She progressively got worse, ate less and less, and began sleeping most of the time. When I asked the hospice nurse if we were nearing the end and should I be preparing to walk with my mom on her final journey home, she kept telling me "no, my mother's vitals were good." We had a horrible Feburary -- snow, snow and MORE snow. My aide was snowed in and couldn't make it to my house, my husband couldn't get home on time in the morning (he worked nights to stay home during the day with my mother), I was missing work, my mom was getting too difficult to lift and was sleeping most of the time and was angry and beligerent the rest of the time. We were stressed to the max. We lost our electricity one Friday night and we had to take my mom to the hospice facilty, where she stayed for 5 days until the snow stopped falling (she HATED it there and told me I was a terrible daughter). All of my mom's life I have stayed with her in hospitals, in rehabs, the first night of her hospice stay...but I couldn't get out to her the other nights because of the snow. The finally brought her home the following Thursday night. She had a catheter and was sleeping. She slept all day Friday and when she woke on Saturday morning she told me she was thirsty. I gave her some water and told her that when our aid came I was going to the store to get some food in the house and that I would bring her a prize. She went back to sleep. I was not gone an hour when a friend came to find me. My mother had died and I had missed being with her by 20 minutes (my husband and our aide were with her, so she was not alone) but my pain and guilt of not being there has been unbearable. I believe if hospice had come sooner to examine her they would have known that my mother's time was near and I would never have left her (they are supposed to come to the house the night a patient returns home, but they did not come that night, they did not come the next day and they did not show up until later in the afternoon on the day she died). Everyone tells me that she didn't want me there when she died, but I don't believe that -- my mother wanted me with her ALL THE TIME and it kills me that I wasn't there with her for the most important journey of all... I know that I did all I could over the years to take care of her and love her and I know that I did what she wanted -- I kept her out of a nursing home...but I am so sad and miss her so much. I am hoping that she went so fast that she didn't even realize I wasn't there and that she isn't made at me for not being with her, but who knows... Anyway, for some reason reading your post has made me feel better and I thank you very much for that.
I recently buried my mom this month. She was 79 and she suddenly went down due to long term complications from alzheimers. I felt at peace when this photo was taken because I knew I had done all that I could to help her. So where do I go now? I am attempting to continue with my life but there is such a void. I really can't imagine how some people go thru life and never speak or talk to their mom. All I can think about now are my memories. But a part of me is still wondering what if I had done this or what about that. tough times for me and I am still missing my mom.
i lost my mom last may 2009, and it was the most devastating thing that has ever happenned to me(along with losing my father in 2004, she went in for an operation and should have been in the hospitol only 3-5 days and wound up never coming home, she passed 5-17-2009. she was 86 years old, didn't look at all like her age and never acted it, she traveled with me,shopped,walked every day etc. it was total neglect from the hospitol. i can not except her passing, i cry and cry all the time and miss her so so much, i talk to her everyday wishing she would answer me or touch me to let me know she is with me at all time, we were best friends,together all the time.to make matters worse i had to make a decsion of taking her off life support which she never wanted but i tried for 4 days and she only got worse,i can not believe she is really gone and with mothers day coming up and her birthday and the anniversary day she passed, i can not really take this time of year since it is her first year,everyone says it will get easier but, it is actually getting harder for me.
Barbara, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. It breaks my heart you and your sister had to experience the pain the cancer was causing your mom. The decisions you made should never be second guessed, you never know how many hours, days, weeks, or months your mom needed to hang on, before she was set free, from the pain the accompanies this horrible disease. I am at a loss for words, or second guessing, why the staff could not get her pain under control. You and your sister are so brave to have hung in there with your mom, and let her know you were helpless with the pain management, but if love could take the pain away, you two sisters are a witness to all the world, even though you were not quite ready to loose a second parent in such a short time, but to have been there, offering her love and support...that if you could take any of the discomfort away, or a magic wand to stop the agony, you did the best you knew what to do, simply hold her and love. Keep in touch....Belinda
Belinda Rhodes said:Barbara said:My mom just died April 15, 2010. She was in terrible pain from cancer throughout her body and at times would scream from it. It was a blessing for her but it has left me devastated. The family all stayed overnight in the nursing home with her so she would not be alone when she passed away. She died in my sister and my arms at 4:00 a.m. I am now feeling pangs of guilt besides missing her. A week ago they said we needed to have a central line put in to keep her nourished and hydrated as she wasn't eating or drinking and they couldnt get IV's to stay in. I said no as I knew it was what she wanted but now I am wondering if it made her death even more horrible and led to her suffering more. My dad passed away 2 years ago and I know she never got over it and longed to be with him yet if I had the line put in she would still be breathing and perhaps they could have managed her pain level better. Anyway, I want my mom back and cannot bear that she is not sitting in her chair when I go in her house and I can never talk to her or see her. How do I get over this when 2 years later I still miss my dad.
Belinda Rhodes said:Barbara, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. It breaks my heart you and your sister had to experience the pain the cancer was causing your mom. The decisions you made should never be second guessed, you never know how many hours, days, weeks, or months your mom needed to hang on, before she was set free, from the pain the accompanies this horrible disease. I am at a loss for words, or second guessing, why the staff could not get her pain under control. You and your sister are so brave to have hung in there with your mom, and let her know you were helpless with the pain management, but if love could take the pain away, you two sisters are a witness to all the world, even though you were not quite ready to loose a second parent in such a short time, but to have been there, offering her love and support...that if you could take any of the discomfort away, or a magic wand to stop the agony, you did the best you knew what to do, simply hold her and love. Keep in touch....Belinda
Belinda Rhodes said:Barbara said:My mom just died April 15, 2010. She was in terrible pain from cancer throughout her body and at times would scream from it. It was a blessing for her but it has left me devastated. The family all stayed overnight in the nursing home with her so she would not be alone when she passed away. She died in my sister and my arms at 4:00 a.m. I am now feeling pangs of guilt besides missing her. A week ago they said we needed to have a central line put in to keep her nourished and hydrated as she wasn't eating or drinking and they couldnt get IV's to stay in. I said no as I knew it was what she wanted but now I am wondering if it made her death even more horrible and led to her suffering more. My dad passed away 2 years ago and I know she never got over it and longed to be with him yet if I had the line put in she would still be breathing and perhaps they could have managed her pain level better. Anyway, I want my mom back and cannot bear that she is not sitting in her chair when I go in her house and I can never talk to her or see her. How do I get over this when 2 years later I still miss my dad.
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