Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Barbara on May 7, 2010 at 9:32pm

I know just how you feel Nancy. I lost my mom 3 weeks ago Thursday. I walk into her house and her chair is empty and the house has a different feel to it now that she isnt there. I keep thinking it is just a bad nightmare I will wake up from but I dont. Mother's Day will be so hard. It makes me cry just typing this. I too hope mom and dad are now together as she never got over losing him and I know she would be happy and at peace if she is with him. I hope your mom and dad are together as well. At least there is this to talk about our feelings to those that understand since our friends cannot truly know what we are feeling unless they have gone through it as well.

nancy dormady said:

it will be 3 weeks this sat my mom passed away i still dont believe she is not here anymore to visit i guess she is in heaven with my dad whom she missed alot

Permalink Reply by Jalopy on May 8, 2010 at 2:13am

MARCI said:

I lost my Mom to pancreatic cancer oct 9,2007.middle of 5 kids I was their caretaker all my life. I will be 60 on Dec 1st. I am disabled but I left my home to care for Mom and Daddy,who is blind and disabled. 4 hours after her death, Daddy was grieving the loss of Mom's wedding rings not her. She gave them to me in june after the diagnosis. 4 days later Daddy says get out,stay out,don't come back.I did. Then wonders why I don't do all the things I used to???? then I get sued by Daddy(aka evil sister,drunk brother) I can;t type any more, but there are many like us. Mom knows, that is all I can say, My mother knows and loves me.

Permalink Reply by Jalopy on May 8, 2010 at 2:26am

Dear Marci,

I am sorry for the loss of your dear Mom and the lousy treatment from your family.

I also thought my family would share in my pain, but have learned that there are those of us who made choices that kept us closer to our Moms than our siblings. They don't "get it" that our loss isn't only the devastation of losing a parent, but doubly hard, since we have also lost our best friends. The emptiness is beyond expression. They really don't get it.... That is their loss and a challenge for us.

My family doesn't talk about anything and we can fight over nothing.

I am sorry that this seems to be your experience as well.

Just know that you are not alone - but look for your support in others if your family doesn't have the will or the capacity to understand YOUR loss.

I believe all who are posting here truly KNOW your loss - it is a mutual pain that we share and that we can help one another bear. Only do the next thing - breathe, eat as healthy as possible and get plenty of rest. These self-care things will help you walk through the hard times and believe it or not, there is hope. You will come through this with a new appreciation for life.

May you find peace in these challenging circumstances.

God Bless,
Jalopy

Permalink Reply by white dove on May 9, 2010 at 9:27am

God's Blessings to all of our beloved Mom's today! Even tho we aren't together on this Earth.. i believe we are in spirit, until the Day when we will see each other again.. Happy Mother's Day Mom! We continue to love and miss you so very much... xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo's!

Jalopy said:

Dear Marci,

I am sorry for the loss of your dear Mom and the lousy treatment from your family.

I also thought my family would share in my pain, but have learned that there are those of us who made choices that kept us closer to our Moms than our siblings. They don't "get it" that our loss isn't only the devastation of losing a parent, but doubly hard, since we have also lost our best friends. The emptiness is beyond expression. They really don't get it.... That is their loss and a challenge for us.

My family doesn't talk about anything and we can fight over nothing.

I am sorry that this seems to be your experience as well.

Just know that you are not alone - but look for your support in others if your family doesn't have the will or the capacity to understand YOUR loss.

I believe all who are posting here truly KNOW your loss - it is a mutual pain that we share and that we can help one another bear. Only do the next thing - breathe, eat as healthy as possible and get plenty of rest. These self-care things will help you walk through the hard times and believe it or not, there is hope. You will come through this with a new appreciation for life.

May you find peace in these challenging circumstances.

God Bless,
Jalopy

Permalink Reply by Bill Wallace on May 9, 2010 at 2:28pm

Yvonne said:

Tracy,
I am so sorry to learn of your multiple losses. Its possible that the move happened too soon for your father, who is also mourning your mother. I lost my mother at the end of January, so I can relate to the depths of your grief. However one bit of advice I received as I continue to adjust to the shock of it all was "Make no major decisions for at least a year - for everything will be clouded by your grief." This would apply to the move your father made...however this is now done and may not be easily reversed. There is also something I have observed when friends have had to make a decision to move their parents into other senior's accommodations...it seems that for at least about 6 weeks the parents resent the person who made that decision for them. After all, our parents will always want to be the ones who make the decisions and they must find it very difficult to have someone acting on their behalf. It is important tho' that you try to mend this rift with your father if only by showing up and telling him that you still love him, he will always be your father and you still want him in your life. Do not let this fester. You need each other and the stress of the loss, etc could take a toll on his health too.

My dear mother passed when I was not ready to let her go; although she did her best to warn me with comments such as "At my age you have to expect anything" and "what will be will be". I think she knew how hard it would be for me to lose her but I had somehow expected there might be a period of palliative care, a warning of some sort. Instead her heart simply stopped in her sleep so there was no chance to say goodbye. However, with every visit and every phone call we always concluded our time together by saying "I love you".
My problem is that as I try to cope with this loss, a man I had believed to be my closest friend, simply abandoned me when I needed his support. In fact in the depths of my grief he chose to end our friendship so I am essentially mourning the loss of too important people. I have never known such pain.

Permalink Reply by Kelley Williams on May 9, 2010 at 2:37pm

I lost my beautiful Mom to COPD at the age of 62. She died December 23rd 2009 and this was the hardest day of my life. I miss her dearly and don't think there will ever be a day that i don't. We were very close, talked every day and sometimes more than once a day.
After a 3 week battle in the hospital, in and out of the critical care untit, 2 heart attacks later and off and on life support, we had to make the terrible decision to take her off life support. These were her wishes which she had always made well known to all of us. She never wanted to live on machines if there was no hope of getting better and leading a normal life.
On December 23rd we removed life support and made sure the hospital staff gave her enough medicine to keep her comfortable and sedated. After 3 hours, she went to heaven peacefully at 7pm, surrounded by family, including her 90 year old mother. I held her hand until she had passed and will never, ever forget that day.



I love you Mom.

Permalink Reply by Kelley Williams on May 9, 2010 at 2:46pm

Nancy and Barbara, I can relate...It still feels like a bad dream to me also. My beautiful mom passed on Dec 23rd 2009 at age 62 and I cannot believe she is gone. I often still pick up the phone to call her and cry when i realize that I can never physically talk to her again. It helps me to often visit her grave and talk to her there.

Barbara said:

I know just how you feel Nancy. I lost my mom 3 weeks ago Thursday. I walk into her house and her chair is empty and the house has a different feel to it now that she isnt there. I keep thinking it is just a bad nightmare I will wake up from but I dont. Mother's Day will be so hard. It makes me cry just typing this. I too hope mom and dad are now together as she never got over losing him and I know she would be happy and at peace if she is with him. I hope your mom and dad are together as well. At least there is this to talk about our feelings to those that understand since our friends cannot truly know what we are feeling unless they have gone through it as well.

nancy dormady said:

it will be 3 weeks this sat my mom passed away i still dont believe she is not here anymore to visit i guess she is in heaven with my dad whom she missed alot

Permalink Reply by stillsad on May 9, 2010 at 5:24pm

In response to lisa's post. I lost my Mom on May 9th 2009. Today Mother's Day 2010 and one year has passed. My Mom died from COPD and congestive heart failure. I have two sisters, but I was her main caregiver and took care of her, for as long as I could remember.
I think this journey of grief would be so much easier if I had the support of my sisters, my mom's sister (my Aunt) and the rest of the family. I have done this on my own. I've been to two grief groups in the last year and am seeing a counsellor. I have found it's not about just loosing my Mom but also grieving the loss of family. I guess deep down I thought someone would call, but no they didn't I have learned so much about myself this year through the heartache and pain. I wanted to put a memorial tribute to Mom in the paper instead I entered the following in a contest for Mother's Day. I wanted to share it with you.

Why My Mom Was the Best

Last year, my Mother fell ill and needed me to take care of her. On May 9th, she quietly died, and everything came crashing down like thunder on my heart.
This year on Mother’s Day, it’s been a year since I lost her. I couldn’t think of a better way to honour her memory than to enter this contest.
I can’t begin to tell you how important my Mom has been to me in my life.
My Mom changed things about me just from her presence. I knew that I always had her love and friendship and that I will hold that in my heart forever. I will always remember her encouraging words and will not forget the patience and commitment she showed me when I was wrong or when I was down on myself or taking the wrong path.
She was the best part of who I am. She always inspired in me to shoot for the stars. Her arms were always open when I needed a hug. Her heart understood when I needed a friend. Her gentle eyes were stern when I needed a lesson. Her strength and love has guided me and given me wings to fly.

Permalink Reply by Janine on May 9, 2010 at 8:58pm

Today is my first Mother's Day without my Mom. I broke down several times this weekend. I am going through a lot of sad emotions these days and celebrating Mother's Day today was not easy.

My beautiful almost 18-year-old daughter and my husband both remembered me today on Mother's Day with what I usually enjoy, cards and gifts. But I always spent part of Mother's Day with my own Mother and this is the first year I could not hug and kiss her but visit her grave. It was heartbreaking. It was a pretty cold day today and I stood there looking at my parents' gravestone and cried. My Dad passed away in November 1991 and my Mom in June 2009. She missed him terribly since he died and the only comfort I feel is knowing that they are together again. I find people do not understand how I feel unless they too have lost their mother. I guess the first year is the hardest and I know I am not over the grieving. I am starting to feel that I need to get some professional help in helping me deal with my loss. It still hurts too much. I want to wish my Mom a Happy Mother's Day, Mom, I love you and miss you so much.

Permalink Reply by Barbara on May 9, 2010 at 9:47pm

I feel your pain Janine. I had a difficult day as well. My husband took me out for a nice dinner and tried to make me feel good but I was still sad. I visited my mom's grave also. SHe too never got over losing my dad. My mom was just buried 3 weeks ago yesterday and when I looked at the mound of dirt at the gravesite I just lost it. Next wednesday I am going to a grief counseling session and I hope that helps. The day is now almost over and at least we made it through.

Janine said:

Today is my first Mother's Day without my Mom. I broke down several times this weekend. I am going through a lot of sad emotions these days and celebrating Mother's Day today was not easy.

My beautiful almost 18-year-old daughter and my husband both remembered me today on Mother's Day with what I usually enjoy, cards and gifts. But I always spent part of Mother's Day with my own Mother and this is the first year I could not hug and kiss her but visit her grave. It was heartbreaking. It was a pretty cold day today and I stood there looking at my parents' gravestone and cried. My Dad passed away in November 1991 and my Mom in June 2009. She missed him terribly since he died and the only comfort I feel is knowing that they are together again. I find people do not understand how I feel unless they too have lost their mother. I guess the first year is the hardest and I know I am not over the grieving. I am starting to feel that I need to get some professional help in helping me deal with my loss. It still hurts too much. I want to wish my Mom a Happy Mother's Day, Mom, I love you and miss you so much.

Permalink Reply by white dove on May 9, 2010 at 9:52pm

Dear Stillsad, your writing is so beautiful.. thank u for sharing it with us.

stillsad said:

In response to lisa's post. I lost my Mom on May 9th 2009. Today Mother's Day 2010 and one year has passed. My Mom died from COPD and congestive heart failure. I have two sisters, but I was her main caregiver and took care of her, for as long as I could remember.
I think this journey of grief would be so much easier if I had the support of my sisters, my mom's sister (my Aunt) and the rest of the family. I have done this on my own. I've been to two grief groups in the last year and am seeing a counsellor. I have found it's not about just loosing my Mom but also grieving the loss of family. I guess deep down I thought someone would call, but no they didn't I have learned so much about myself this year through the heartache and pain. I wanted to put a memorial tribute to Mom in the paper instead I entered the following in a contest for Mother's Day. I wanted to share it with you.

Why My Mom Was the Best

Last year, my Mother fell ill and needed me to take care of her. On May 9th, she quietly died, and everything came crashing down like thunder on my heart.
This year on Mother’s Day, it’s been a year since I lost her. I couldn’t think of a better way to honour her memory than to enter this contest.
I can’t begin to tell you how important my Mom has been to me in my life.
My Mom changed things about me just from her presence. I knew that I always had her love and friendship and that I will hold that in my heart forever. I will always remember her encouraging words and will not forget the patience and commitment she showed me when I was wrong or when I was down on myself or taking the wrong path.
She was the best part of who I am. She always inspired in me to shoot for the stars. Her arms were always open when I needed a hug. Her heart understood when I needed a friend. Her gentle eyes were stern when I needed a lesson. Her strength and love has guided me and given me wings to fly.

Permalink Reply by Janine on May 9, 2010 at 11:59pm

Barbara, my sympathy on the recent loss of your dear mother. I can imagine how raw your feelings must be as you lost your Mom only three weeks ago. I remember how I felt last summer... the first month or so after I lost my Mom, I was like a zombie. I had several weeks off from work and I felt numb. My Mom had been ill for about a month before she passed away so it was not totally unexpected but it still hit me like a ton of bricks. It is hard when you have lost both of your parents. I guess this is a first of many Mother's Days without our mothers. We will have to learn how to get through them as best we can. I cry easily and often and it bothers some people, but I don't care. Sometimes I just need to let it out. Thanks for your kind words.

Barbara said:

I feel your pain Janine. I had a difficult day as well. My husband took me out for a nice dinner and tried to make me feel good but I was still sad. I visited my mom's grave also. SHe too never got over losing my dad. My mom was just buried 3 weeks ago yesterday and when I looked at the mound of dirt at the gravesite I just lost it. Next wednesday I am going to a grief counseling session and I hope that helps. The day is now almost over and at least we made it through.

Janine said:

Today is my first Mother's Day without my Mom. I broke down several times this weekend. I am going through a lot of sad emotions these days and celebrating Mother's Day today was not easy.

My beautiful almost 18-year-old daughter and my husband both remembered me today on Mother's Day with what I usually enjoy, cards and gifts. But I always spent part of Mother's Day with my own Mother and this is the first year I could not hug and kiss her but visit her grave. It was heartbreaking. It was a pretty cold day today and I stood there looking at my parents' gravestone and cried. My Dad passed away in November 1991 and my Mom in June 2009. She missed him terribly since he died and the only comfort I feel is knowing that they are together again. I find people do not understand how I feel unless they too have lost their mother. I guess the first year is the hardest and I know I am not over the grieving. I am starting to feel that I need to get some professional help in helping me deal with my loss. It still hurts too much. I want to wish my Mom a Happy Mother's Day, Mom, I love you and miss you so much.

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