Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Hallie on September 30, 2012 at 5:54pm

I am a big believer in having some sort of memorial from which to remember our loved ones.  They have beautiful parent jewelry that holds some cremated ashes or another tribute to your parent ( a few strands of hair, etc.) and I actually have an angel pendant that holds some of my grandmother's ashes.  I treasure it..  I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom and hope that things have gotten better with time.  Hope this helps!

parent ash jewelry

Permalink Reply by Cross on January 1, 2013 at 7:45pm

My parents have been deceased for 6 years now and this is the first Xmas that I felt they were truly gone. I felt alone.  I prayed to God and turned my thoughts about this over to God and God made it better.  The aloneness went away.  God can do wonders.  If you have faith, turn to God.  If not, Turn to God anyway.  Give it shot.  Nobody will know except you and God. 

Permalink Reply by sonya mcknight on October 1, 2013 at 8:45am

Hi I lost my Mum in January 2012 and it is not easing for me at all.

The inside is in pain and heartache over losing my mum. I miss everything about my mum and that is what I am struggling with through it all.

I miss my mum not being around anymore.

My mum was not well for 3 years when she got diagnosed with a couple of things but did not think I was going to lose my mum so soon. My mum was only 62 years old.   

Permalink Reply by Jennifer Wilkins on November 15, 2013 at 11:40am

Sonya. I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Death is an enemy to us all.
There is a promise in the Bible I learned about in which death will be no more. Jehovah God promises that our loved one will live again and we have the prospect to see them again. Not in this world which is full of suffering, but on a paradise earth. Please look at the link below for more information.

http://www.jw.org/en/publications/books/dead-live-again-tract/dead-...

My deepest sympathies, and I hope this provides you with some comfort,
Jennifer

Permalink Reply by Louise Pecevich on November 15, 2013 at 10:48pm

My mother passed just two years ago.  Our relationship was not the closest for many years, due to lots of family dysfunction, which many people out there can relate to.  She had outlived my father for 20 years.  It was crushing to have them both gone, and I struggled with some way to heal.  I realized that to validate someone's life, to acknowledge some of what they hoped for during the happier times of life you have to see only the good, only the bright, only the love.  That is the only sustainable energy that you can take from someone's life experience.  It may seem to be an exercise in some imaginary world, but I only see them as smiling and happy and young and loving in my mind's eye.  I cannot acknowledge or relive anything negative.  I have started a personal tradition by having a memorial service for both my parents every year, around the time of their anniversaries, and have found that it helped a bit with healing from their loss, and for a few minutes, they're back with us there in church.  I could almost feel them standing behind me.  I like to think they'd be happy to see it all.   Maybe it's just all an illusion and pretense on my part, because when it's all said and done, I just want them to come back.

Permalink Reply by Baby-daughter on January 21, 2014 at 9:12am

Mama I'm sorry for not writing sooner. I have not forgot you. I want to wish you a belated Merry Christmas and Happy new year. I'm alone and I still cry every day for you. I want to be with you. I have tried several times to come to you but I failed. I just wrote to Ray he (I hope) should be letting you know I miss you and Ray (older brother) and love you so much. Mama I know you have been gone since 7-30-2010 but I dont know how to go on without you. Tears. Are daily non stop. I am getting sick and eat about 4-5 times a week. I have a scholarship next month maybe I won't live thru it. I need probably 2-3 more sx's more chances to come to you. Im going thru the sx's alone. Brenda still refuses to let me see my grandchildren, Anthony and Brooklyn. Mama you know I was always there for everyone who wanted or needed me for any reason. I hope to see you soon.

I love and miss you.
Your Baby Daughter

Permalink Reply by Janelle on January 30, 2014 at 9:03pm

It's been so hard to carry on,, I hope you know I love you mom. My hearts been broken since that day, I held your hand as you slipped away. Grief has stopped me in my tracks, is it selfish I want my mother back?

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on February 1, 2014 at 1:35pm

Dear Jenelle,

I can assure you that what you are feeling is a common response to the loss of one of the most important people in our lives.  For many of us our mother is also the person we have been closest to and that loss hits especially hard.  You were fortunate to have been present to hold your mother's hand when she passed away.  I was on the other side of the world and could not have known I would lose her that day. I wish I could have been at her side when the time came.

  I know what it is when Grief disrupts your life and I encourage you not to let it take over completely.  It is a slippery slope into depression and I encourage you to seek a local bereavement group if you find yourself sliding in that direction.  It can sometimes be a great help to be around people who understand what you are dealing with.  In my case I waited too long to see someone about the grief I could not manage...4 months after my mother's death, I found myself well into depression.  I would go to work and pretend that everything was fine, while seeking out quiet areas where I would cry.  At the end of the day, I would close the door to my apartment and remain hidden --often through entire weekends -- until I returned to work again.  It took me two years to crawl out of the abyss.

 Five years after her passing there are still days when I miss her terribly but I believe she continues to live in my heart.  I have also had the experience where she will visit me in my dreams -- either a phone call I dream about, or her arrival at my home with one of her wonderful hugs and her assurance that "it will be okay".  Whenever I have been blessed with one of those dreams I always awake with a tremendous feeling of peace.  My brother tells me he has also had that experience.

It is not at all selfish for you to want your mother back, Jenelle, but I do hope you will not allow your grief to lead you into depression.

(( Hugs ))

Yvonne 

Permalink Reply by Janelle on February 2, 2014 at 10:38am

Thank you for your encouraging words. The hospice offered bereavement therapy, but my sadness has been so all encompassing, that I've pulled away from everyone and everything . I took care of her, in my home, I fed her, I visited with her, she told me stories of " the olden days" we'd pray together, I was always by her side and she mine. She slept in the big bed in my room, and she died in the big bed in my room. I tried so very hard to get her well, I feel I failed her ,and it tears me up inside. I've seen a doctor for depression, but I'm not depressed , I'm grieving, I'm lost, I'm literally stunned. I had to administer liquid morphine to keep her out of pain, I had the hospice nurse there, in and out, telling me what to do and how, I know she needed palliative care, I just somewhere have it in my head that I euthanized her . I know that sounds horrible, I just feel I betrayed her, perhaps I shouldn't of given her the prescribed medicine, but then she'd of been in horrendous pain, and her passing would of been a living nightmare, not the peaceful, dignified, reverent loving way, that she specifically wanted to die. So why am I feeling so guilty? Why am I second guessing everything I did? I loved her so very much. Nothing's the same. I'm trying to move on, it's just so hard,,,,,,, I need my mom.

Permalink Reply by Cathy Starnes on March 10, 2014 at 10:29am

It's been 7 weeks since I lost my mom.  I was crying less and having more cheerful moments, even laughing some, but I guess I've taken some steps back.  I have cried every day since she passed away.  Some days much more than others.  Since Thursday, I've cried quite a bit.  This weekend I went through a number of boxes of her stuff that I kept when my sister and I packed up all of her things.  This isn't my first time to do this.  I can only work on it so long.  Unfortunately I have to make room for the things I wanted to keep.  So until I do that it sits in boxes stacked in the way.  I just miss her so much.  Fridays were the day we spent together.  I am off on Fridays.  So when I'm driving home from work on Thursdays, emotions just overwhelm me and the crying starts.  I wouldn't want her back suffereing, but all I can think is I was not ready to lose her and I wanted to spend more time with her.  All that stuff you think, how you wanted to do this or that.  It's a mental thing that won't stop.  I was so disappointed recently, I guess I shouldn't be hard on my friend.  I got together with her and had hoped to talk about my mom and everything.  She lost her Mom too, but it's been several years.  We ended up talking (her almostly totally) about her job and her family.  I know that is so selfish of me, but I feel like I need to talk and there's no one to talk to.  If I try to call my sister and talk but I just cry.  Has anyone else had this experience where they feel they need to talk but have no one to talk to?  I know it's so selfish on my part becuse I'm sure no one wants to hear what I have to say or listen to all the sad things I feel i need to say.  I don't know what to do.  I thought about going to a counselor.  Any Ideas anyone?

Permalink Reply by Baby-daughter on March 10, 2014 at 11:35am

I love and miss you. ♡♥♡♥♡♥

Permalink Reply by Cathy Starnes on March 10, 2014 at 2:03pm

Janelle - I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you having had her with you.  My Mom didn't live with me, but she depended on me in many ways.  Transportation for everything for one.  We would spend Fridays together going to eat, shopping, etc.  We had so much fun.  I miss her too.  I, too, feel lost.  I spent so much time with her and helping her, especially the last six months of her life.  I was busy with her for the last 15 years really, during my "off time" from work.  I feel that lost feeling.  I don't know what to do with myself.  Before I would say "some day when I have time, I'll work on this (like quilting) or that."  Now that I have the time, I don't want to think about "oh now I have all this extra time".  It's like a knife in my heart thinking that.  I'd rather be with my Mom.  I'm married and hope my husband and I can start doing more things together since he has had to take a backseat to the needs of my Mom and stepmom too (she has dementia and I'm her medical POA and main helper).    I too wrestled with the feelings of my Mom being euthanized.  She did very poorly after a heart procedure and had to be intubated, which she wanted off of.  She survived for a week, on morphine.  She was so unstable, they kept her in the hospital, where my sister and I lived with her until her passing.  I have thought about the decisions we made a million times still not 100% sure we did the right thing.  My heart goes out to you.  Hugs...I'll pray for you.

Janelle said:

Thank you for your encouraging words. The hospice offered bereavement therapy, but my sadness has been so all encompassing, that I've pulled away from everyone and everything . I took care of her, in my home, I fed her, I visited with her, she told me stories of " the olden days" we'd pray together, I was always by her side and she mine. She slept in the big bed in my room, and she died in the big bed in my room. I tried so very hard to get her well, I feel I failed her ,and it tears me up inside. I've seen a doctor for depression, but I'm not depressed , I'm grieving, I'm lost, I'm literally stunned. I had to administer liquid morphine to keep her out of pain, I had the hospice nurse there, in and out, telling me what to do and how, I know she needed palliative care, I just somewhere have it in my head that I euthanized her . I know that sounds horrible, I just feel I betrayed her, perhaps I shouldn't of given her the prescribed medicine, but then she'd of been in horrendous pain, and her passing would of been a living nightmare, not the peaceful, dignified, reverent loving way, that she specifically wanted to die. So why am I feeling so guilty? Why am I second guessing everything I did? I loved her so very much. Nothing's the same. I'm trying to move on, it's just so hard,,,,,,, I need my mom.

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